Ridiculous!

How ridiculous is it to be told by the Medical school office that they do not know how to do letters for student visa extensions!

It made my blood boil because once again, I'm thrown to and fro places to sort out this problem since NO ONE knows how to solve it...and ridiculously, it's THE UNIVERSITY!

It is frustrating enough to have to extend my visa, hence, resulting in me having to run between placements out of and into Cardiff between office hours, which anyone would know it's impossible unless I take days off and run the risk of getting into trouble with my Consultant. But what frustrates me isn't that much abt taking days off, but more about not actually getting things done quickly because this place's pace is worse than a snail! Plus, not to mention, having to pay 250 quid ($750) to extend it, which is a total rip off.

All I needed from the Uni is a simple letter stating the ending date for my university studies and because there's a gap of a few days between my end date and the start of the work permit I'll have to apply for close to graduation, I kindly requested for the uni staff to extend the end date for a week or so, just to make sure it overlaps with the start of the work permit and prevent me from running the risk of having to get out of UK for a few days and paying another 250 pounds just to stay if I have to.

A simple request and I got a "There's no way I can change the date." and there's no way I can get it done despite explaining. No means NO. FUCK!

I was told to go to the med sch (manz, whenever someone tells me to go there and get a problem solved, I know it's as good as telling me to DIY). And as expected, it was a NIGHTMARE!!!!!

Told them my problem, and got a "I don't know how to solve this problem." A joke isn't it? And just to push me away, the undergrad sent me to the postgrad centre, which I went to, and the staff in the postgrad centre told me they have nothing to do with this, and I should get it solved in the undergrad centre. Typical of UK. No doubt abt it.

It was funny how I actually blurted this out at the undergrad office.

Lady: Erm..maybe it's best if u speak to Martin...
Me: Martin? I'll speak to anyone except him.

(Martin is a guy who I think should be sacked from the med sch. I have no idea why he exists, and I have no idea what he does during office hours. He's meant to solve problems for med undergrads, but he's totally inefficient and useless. In fact, if I can have a go at sacking people from the med sch, he's first on my list.)

So anyway, I finally got to the supposedly-right person in charge, who also had no idea. Explained to her that all I ask for is extension of 1 week more after the end date, and all she did was ask someone in the office to type a letter to explain my difficulty. And that bloody letter made me wait 20 mins. It was only 4 lines, and it took the person 20 mins to type.

And they were so niao abt the dates. They gave me till 1st Aug 2007, and I just asked for the 5th just in case. A difference of 4 days, and still, the answer is NO.

Madness. These people have really fucked up minds.

Once again, it's one of those days I start whining abt my fugliness..hahahhaa...and no kidding...it's beginning to stress me more.

Nope, he hasn't been commenting badly abt me. I'm just self-conscious...probably over conscious.

I'm starting to envy girls who are tall, and dread my short legs. I don't look good in the pair of shorts I tried in Zara last week and the reason being my legs are short, hence, I look like a girl wearing primary school shorts. My hair's in a bad condition as well. Starting to get puffy, wavy and very very dry too. I definitely gotta do something about it during my return this time, but till now, I'm still in a dilemma of what I should do abt it. I'm most likely to head off to Beijing quite shortly after I return to Sg, and I don't really have time to"save" myself if I totally ruin my hair at the hairdresser's. Rebonding is the safest bet, but I look terribly fugly straight after rebond and it takes several weeks before it looks natural to me. Curls are nice, and my boy loves them, but those smooth curls are temporary..and it will never look that good if it's permanent. I'm so tempted to buy myself a straightening iron for my hair so that I can straighten my hair to neaten it in China, and if I'm gutsy enough, try curling my hair with it. It looks easy, but I haven't tried it before, and burning my hair is the last thing I ever want to do to myself.

Clothes...headache. Fell in love with this corset top in Warehouse last week. It was so pretty that my boy went "Try it! If it looks good on u, it's my present to u." I wished I had own it despite it being a freaking 55 quid for a top, but I couldn't fit into it at all. I only managed to squeeze myself into a size 10 (!!!!! since when did I upgrade from 6/8 to 10?!) and u know what? I couldn't even zip up the back! -.-

I want to wear a dress to the dinner with his parents. But argh...can't even find one that fits me well. I can't buy the clothes here too. Either the boob area is too tight/loose or the hip bit is too loose.

Shoes...muahaha...did I mention that I bought the pink sandals? It's 11cm high! Oh boy does it feel good having "grown" so much taller in it. But I'll face a huge problem in Sg. I've only got ONE pair of heels and it's old and quite dirty already. It's not a pretty pair as well. I just bought it just because it's black and I definitely had to find a replacement for my previous previous pair which snapped. Darn..I realise that most of the time, I'm going shopping and buying things ONLY because I desperately need "something" to replace a spoilt item now.

I can't wait for my placement to end now. I just wanna rush back to Sg and do some productive shopping (and again, shopping since I desperately need something decent enuff to wear to see his parents).

We got to watch "Fearless" aka "Huo Yuan Jia" on Friday after waiting for weeks for its screening. It was a typical Jet Li film, but we did enjoy it. Silly me didn't even know it's a real story until my boy told me so. How come Jay's song isn't in it huh?

Things are much better between us and I'm glad our relationship isn't strained. He's starting to show more notice and concern abt how I feel, and to me, that's a great improvement. I do appreciate it.

On Friday, I did become slightly paranoid when he went to meet a senior whom he has never met. His professor introduced him to her and wanted them to stay in touch as she will be of a great help to him since they both graduated from the same course, and she's very knowledgeable. Most importantly, communication between them wouldn't be a problem since they're both from the same country.

I wasn't thinking very much abt this meet up they had. In fact, I was pleased to know that he's well taken care of by his professor and this senior of his will be able to guide him and give him great advice. But when his meeting with her went on for many hours, there was this tinge of fear which set in, which I tried to get rid of.

I was glad when he rang me to tell me he's on his way home and misses me. His meeting with her went really well, since he was telling me lots of things which they talked about, including me. I wished I had listened carefully to everything he was telling me. My mind was distracted. I was happy for him because he learnt lots from her, but at the same time, I felt lousy abt myself, because...I know nothing about what he's doing, and there is nothing I can teach him, nothing I can do for him.

He topped his class for his Masters, but he still felt disappointed because they were below his expectations. And hence, not very confident in getting into his dream university for a PhD. It saddens me to see him being troubled over this, yet I do not know what to say to make him feel better. I know he's doing all these for me; wanting to be qualified enough to find a proper job in Singapore since there's no way I can live in China and he's willing to make this sacrifice for us.

He's been asking me for advice, and I have said quite a bit of my own opinion to him, but this evening when he mentioned about the advice his senior told him and that it does make a lot of sense, I felt lousy about myself again. It made me feel like as if what I've said didn't deserve his attention, but I'm sure he didn't mean to make me feel that way.

He's definitely going to stay here with me for another year, but what will happen after this year, I do not know. Will he continue being in UK or will he go home?

I started counting the years I will have to be separated from him. The number of years scares me. It's a long time. And should after waiting years for him that things don't work out the way we wish it will, I'll really be left on the shelf...lol..but that's not the point lah. I was just thinking abt how I'll have to make myself adapt to living life by myself all over again, even though I'm still wearing his ring on my finger. I have grown so accustomed to having him with me all the time, that it feels really weird whenever I'm alone now.

Oh well...shall try to leave this aside until the time comes. Still quite a while to go, and it's rather pointless brooding over this when nothing has been set yet.

Sheesh..watching him sleep so soundly on the bed now just tempts me to sleep as well. He promised to have dimsum with me later....makes me really excited when I think abt it...hehee..

Off to bed!

I won praises today!!!!!

Makes me feel really good :) And of course, made me feel much much better since I'm been so slack over the past 2 weeks, I felt like as if I am a walking idiot in a whitecoat in hospital.

Decided to go to A&E since I definitely gotta make myself clerk patients for my write up case study and woohoo..I got a patient immediately without having to wait.

Since the doctors have not seen her yet, I was the first to see her and hence, I have the honour (or rather I thought I'll do the doctor on call a favour) by doing all his/her clerking paperwork for him/her.

It's been a long time since I last gotta do proper adult medicine, and it did feel a bit odd having to examine adults from scratch. But I'm glad I haven't gone totally rusty yet.

It did scare me a little when the doctor on call finally came, took the necessary documents and was handed the paperwork I have already completed.

Doc: What? The patient has already been clerked? By who?!
Nurse: This medical student just came and went to see the patient.
Doc: *looks at me* Did you write these up? U're a medical student aren't u?
Me: Yes..
Doc: *looks at me and pause for a bit* Look...you're a star. Can you please stay with me the whole day? I'll be really happy to have u around to do my job.

Phew..I thought he was gonna tell me off and ask me to bugger off, or say I'm not licensed to do his job etc.

He praised my handwriting and said my clerking, diagnosis and management plan was almost flawless. He even queried if I got the Dean's list! Gosh!!! And when one of my coursemates came to clerk patients, he said "Your friend here is the best medical student I've seen. You really gotta work terribly hard to reach her level." That was a real ego booster. Anyway, it wouldn't be me who would qualify to go for a Dean's list viva. I wouldn't mind being chosen to go for it though...even if I fail to get it....lol. Passing is good enough for me. I shan't be toooo greedy despite day dreaming.

I was glad that I got the emergency procedures and management right, and it was really cool to watch the doctor carrying out the plan I had written up for the patient.

I had the chance to present it to the A&E Consultant too, and he did praise me for doing really well. It's such a pity that it isn't MY Consultant whom I'm presenting it to. I do wish that I could get some praises from him, since I couldn't answer some questions which he asked me for the past 2 weeks and it's making me worry a little if he thinks I'm dumb. He digs into all the physics like Ohm's law and pressure etc, and although those physic terms sound familiar, that dates to my days back in JC...which is like hello....6 yrs ago? And he goes on and on, and I'm always lost.

Alright, enuff boasting abt myself. Shall start to do some revision, but shit manz...very tired and sleepy....

I feel so guilty now.

Because I completely forgot abt Father's Day on Sunday. Hence, I just told my parents on MSN that I'm not calling home today without giving a reason, without saying "Happy Father's Day" and what's worse, I lost my temper online while chatting with them.

I was indeed in a very very very foul mood because my relationship could just end in a snap, anytime that day. I was crying my ass out like nobody's business and there's no way I want to let my parents know about it.

I did feel bad abt "yelling" at them on MSN after I have cooled down, but I still forgot that it was Father's Day until I read Etel's blog like a few minutes ago. I know Dad doesn't give shit abt Father's Day, but I suppose any parent will feel hurt to know that your little girl/boy has totally forgotten about it. To add to my sinful list, I actually forgot to wish my Mum "Happy Mother's Day" as well in May despite calling home and talking endlessly with her.

I should really do some soul-searching on myself and do something abt my bad memory. I forgot things very very easily now...friend's bday...important dates etc.

My days here at the moment are kinda unproductive. No mood to study at all, and I spend most of my spare time either watching youtube or sleeping. It's not being lazy, I'm basically having fatigue for no apparent reason, and once again, it has screwed up my biological clock.

A MAJOR quarrel happened between me and him a few days ago. But it was THAT, which made me realise my importance to him. I was apologetic for saying something terribly harsh to him. However, I did make known about what I was displeased abt all these months to him, and upon hearing everything which I had to say, he felt a deep sense of guilt. It was a nasty one that night, and I thought this was really the end now, until he gave me a good hug in the morning when I have dozed off in some odd corner of his bed.

It was quite shocking to wake up in his room a while ago, realising I'm alone. I guess I must have dozed off so soundly while studying that I didn't even know he went out. Now I do feel a bit shitty for letting him go out alone with his friend when he asked me along. Argh! I wonder where they are now, and what time he'll be back. I wanna continue watching the drama serial with him! I guess I shall do some reading and wait patiently for his return :)

I'm totally disappointed, but hey...this isn't the first time isn't it?

And the thing is...it's not even my fault. My semester dates aren't planned by me. My placement dates aren't planned by me. My holiday periods aren't planned by me either! I know u are pissed abt having to stay here in UK because of me. I appreciate the sacrifice u have made, but I'm regretting it. I regret asking u to be here with me after all our quarrels. I am beginning to wonder if it does make u happy being able to see me everyday here after all the effort I made travelling up and down, spending huge amounts of money for transport and sacrificing my sleep just to spend a few hours more with u.

I know u r upset abt not being able to go to Paris because visa application is "full". I am too. But is it my fault that things had to happen this way? I would skip weeks of placement if I can, but what can I do if my Consultants will only sign my forms on my last day of placement?

Do you know how badly it hurts me when you just ignore me during dinner, and turn your back against me to watch a soccer match? And once again, u just walked a distance away from me, crossing the road without even bothering abt me. I dread that, and u know it. U apologised numerous times about this, but it's repeated time and time again.

Now..I wonder....if u should stay one more year in Cardiff. Maybe u shouldn't. I don't want u regretting and making me feel as if it's all my fault.

Honestly speaking, I can't wait for placement to end, and I can't wait for my summer holidays to start. One good reason is because I wanna shoo back to Singapore, to my room with AIRCON!

Summer is here, and mad Cardiff was 42 degrees last Thurs. Melt manz! It just started raining quite a bit last night (thank goodness!) after a horrid week of sunshine, which angmos love, but apparently, sunshine's is something I avoid big time.

My room in Cardiff is boiling like a sauna as well because of the afternoon sun, so I end up spending most of my time in his room. It's only time I start moving my pillows to his room as well, since I can't even sleep in my room without getting my tee soaked at night. Am glad I'm moving to a new flat with him soon. Hopefully, everything will be perfect there :)

Can't wait to go to Paris now. I'm really proud of my boy who has so kindly volunteered to do all the planning for our trip. And it seems to be progressing well. But he's gotta pay 125 quid for the visa!!! What an extorbitant fee! He was so jealous when he realised I didn't need a visa since I'm Singaporean...hahahaha. Hope we'll get it all sorted and be able to start booking our tickets and hotel. I wanna see Paris so badly and of course, go to Disneyland. The last time I was in Disneyland was when I was 7 years old...haha..what a looooooong time ago..

We're also getting more and more excited about my trip to China. He's planning it as well, and we're probably gonna go to Sichuan for a tour with his cousin and friend. But I have quite a bit of preparations to do and it's definitely more than just a leisure trip there. Apparently, his dad is pretty concerned about a person's appearance, so that means, I'll have to make sure my clothes aren't as rotten as those I'm currently wearing and I'll have to get my hair cut, brows trimmed etc. Basically, total makeover. I was feeling troubled over this issue and had a chat with Mum abt it, but I'm glad she was pretty supportive about buying me some new clothes and groom me up a little before my trip since she thought it was high time I did something about myself. Sigh.

I've got the green light to buy a pair of pink heely sandals I saw in Ravel too. It's gorgeous to me, and CG loves it to bits, and most importantly, I do look like I'm 1.7m when I'm wearing it. Will share it with Mum (and she's most likely gonna wear it most of the time) since I'm pretty unwillingly to part with 35 quid on it even though I know it's all worth the $. Can't wait to shoo back to Cardiff now to buy it actually, but I've got teaching later on Radiology...argh! Hope it'll be something worthwhile though.

And...laptop...sigh. I'm facing laptop problems again. One of the fans is faulty now and my laptop isn't cooling itself as well as before, and the hot weather isn't the least helpful. Hence, my laptop just switches off by itself without warning, and as a result, I'm kinda hesitating to turn it on unless I really have to. It's a nightmare to have laptop/computer problems here because they end up in the workshop for MONTHS no matter how simple the problem is. And the repair fee is insane too. Fancy them wanting to charge me 50 quid just to collect my laptop and bringing it to the workshop with NO guarantee of getting it repaired. And repairing that fan might well cost me a good 100-200 pounds.

I'm so wanting to buy myself a small laptop..a 12 inch. But I'm not daring enough to ask for one..lol. It'll definitely come in handy since I'm always "on the run" and my current 15 inch is way too heavy to keep carrying around (it's not in the best condition now either)...but...the $$$!

Just reminded myself what a miser I am...

Congratulations to Yongkang & Linda!

I received the news from Hocksoon that the both of them are gonna get registered at ROM tmr!!! That's totally shocking for Tony and me when we heard abt it. I wonder when the dinner will be. It's such a pity that I can't attend their post-ROM gathering tmr evening since I'm still stuck here...grrr....

I can't believe that my good buddy in sec sch is getting married this quickly. I mean, it seems like yesterday when we were still in BVSS uniform calling each other names and talking in class. And now, my pal is getting married?! Oh my!

I'm kinda envious because for some strange reason, I do wish I get married now too...hahaha...

Me: AAAAAHHHH....so envious!
CG: Why? U wanna get married too?
Me: Yeah...CAN WE?
CG: No. Not now.

Ok lor. -.-

Anyway, our talk before bedtime wasn't really good. I know he's hurt abt several issues, and so am I. I know I have been irritating for asking him the usual lovey dovey questions several times a day and he's sick of answering them, but I still go on asking because I love to hear it from him. It reassures me more even though I know it.

And I think my boy knows that I haven't been the best gf I can be, or try to be. I've been pretty selfish by wanting the easiest way out for myself. I feel guilty actually. He didn't go home straight after exams because he wants to spend more time with me here and even volunteered to stay in UK for 1 more yr because he wants to stand by me and be by my side until I graduate, but I can't even keep him happy by volunteering to wait 4 hours in Heathrow just to go back home on the same day as him. Instead, I told him to get a flight which is more convenient for him regardless of whether he goes home earlier or later than me, when all he wanted was a "I'll wait 4 hours more in the airport for my flight then."

We were viewing friendster profiles yesterday and he said he wanted to see mine. I thought he never liked me putting up our photos in there, but I guess after seeing how others place their photos taken with their bf/gf in there, he felt disappointed about why I didn't do the same. I did try several times, but failed in uploading them..perhaps because the file was too big and I didn't download the software to resize them.

CG: I'm disappointed that our photo isn't in it.
Me: I tried to upload it...I really did..
CG: Yeah I know. I'm not doubting you, but I think after several attempts of failing to do so, u just decided to give up.
Me: *silent*
CG: Can't you resize them? Don't you have the software?
Me: *silent* (I can resize them, but I don't have the software after I reformatted the laptop..and I'm sorry for being lazy to upload the software again...it's no excuse I know..)
CG: Am I being childish for feeling disappointed about this matter?
Me: *silent* (No, I will feel disappointed if I were u too. I'm sorry I've hurt you..)

I seriously think I should do more for my relationship, and be more committed. But something I cannot describe is hindering this. There's no doubt about how I feel for him and there's no doubt about the amount of sacrifices he would do for me and that he does indeed deserve more from me. Is it because I need more time? Or is it because I'm gradually losing faith in how long we'll be together because of our differences?

It's his bday tmr and I didn't plan anything in advance at all. His only present was the LV pocket organiser. He doesn't really care abt whether there's any celebration, but I'm sure he'll feel really disappointed if I totally throw it out of my mind when I know it's his bday. And the worst thing is...I'm not even gonna be by his side tmr since I'm off for placement again.

Bought a pretty birthday cake for him and am hoping that he'll like it. Just planning to spring a surprise on him (since I look so bo chup abt his bday) after he comes back from dinner with his coursemates and lecturers tonight. Hopefully, he'll be back pretty early and won't be dragged by his friends to some club/pub.

Shopping in Harrods today was fun. In fact, my overall outing with him was great!

I was pretty tempted to buy myself something to reward myself for getting through my exams, and my boy thinks I should just get myself a wallet which I've always dreamt of. I was drooling over the wallets, and finally I really got down to buying something. A LV product!!!! The first! But..it's not for me...lol. I got it for him for his bday since he thinks that pocket organiser looks nice.

He wanted to buy me the LV wallet which I like, but because it was too expensive, I didn't want it. He must have felt really bad watching me walk out of Harrods, again with nothing.

Anyway, I'm sure he had a great time shopping there. He bought 3 Lanvin ties for his family, and I chose them. Hopefully, his family will like it. Hahaha...should have seen the look on CG's face when the card swiped. Almost 200 pounds gone in a flash...hahahaaa.

Once again, in Harrods, I wish I had bought myself something, something I really like. Ok, I like many things, but I just refuse to part with my savings. But I'm really very envious of those I see who can just happily purchase things they want without thinking too much.

My boy suggested I buy myself a nice Apple laptop since mine seems a little unstable at the moment (grrrr....). I'm quite gian of doing so, but again, I don't wanna part with my money.

And I'm still thinking about the wallet I saw...

I got my results this evening. 5th year..here I come!

A relief and as promised, I'll go to London with my boy tmr (even though I'm quite sianz honestly). He was happier than me when I told him my grades and almost cried. I could really feel him feeling immensely happy for me from the way he hugged me.

After finding out that my boy is doing something for my brother because he doesn't want me to spend money, I blurted something out, which I shouldn't. I don't think he understood what I meant, and it makes me feel really bad because this issue has been kept in me for a long time.

Why is it that whenever I am wondering if he is someone I can live with for good, will he do something for me which will make me feel guilty for having such a thought?

Do couples try to accomodate each other or do they try to change the other into the person they want?

I do know the answer, but there are certain things I cannot accomodate, and it's impossible. I have plans to stay a long time with my boy, but at times, I do wonder if it's possible because I simply cannot accomodate.

I cannot stand some of his habits, and despite nagging, things are still the same. If I am not able to tolerate these, how am I going to live with him in future? And not to mention that I'm terribly picky abt certain things, and my temper is really bad, how can I not blow at things I cannot stand?

1. The kettle overflowing
2. Having melon seed shells all over my carpet
3. Having water on the floor in my toilet
4. Not placing my floor mat properly after using it to wipe away the water
5. Asking me to make supper in the wee hours of the night
6. Having to explain what's on the menu when u don't need bombastic english to understand it
7. Being squashed so badly when sleeping until I'm literally kissing the wall
8. Having to place my bath towel properly on the towel rack after he has used it
9. Getting me to do this and that when I'm freaking busy
10. Walking away to buy himself a drink in a club, leaving me all alone
11. Leaving me to roam the streets myself after quarreling with me

I have mentioned these things time and time again to him, but nothing ever changes and it's very mentally tiring. Does he actually know why I am telling him these things again and again? Does he know I am serious abt it all and I am trying to get him to rid these bad habits before I feel it's possible to live my life with him? And if he really comes to Sg in December and stay in my house, I definitely don't want my Mum to jump. She's a billion times more picky than me.

I still love my boy, and I do love him more than I first did, but I'm not sure about how it's progressing. These habits are holding me back. And I'm confident that with time, it will start eating into the relationship.

Another thing abt me is I get bored easily in a relationship. I like guys who can come up with ideas, and in this relationship, I'm definitely sick of thinking already. So sick that I'll just stay in my room and watch shows on youtube.com, when I'm sick of that actually. I'm just watching because there is nothing else I can think of.

Go travelling? I don't have very much time to move around, since my schedule is really tight, and whenever he's free, I'm occupied with something. And hence, we can only make near trips, but he's been to almost everywhere already, and he's just going because I haven't been there, which turns me off already. Besides, if we go to somewhere unfamiliar, I'm sure I'll probably be the one finding out information and hotels. It's frustrating being the one doing all the job, and only to hear grumbles if the hotel is not good enuff etc.

He's wanting so much to go to Paris, and so do I. But the moment I think about having to plan all that, I am thinking twice.

Actually, all I want is just a proper date, not the "What's in the cinema today? Any new films?" sorta date. I just want to go to a different restaurant for a good and quiet meal with him, but all I get is "I don't know where." I want surprises, even simple ones like "Let's go ice skating!", but I can forget abt it. And it seems like if I do want something, I have to make it "our programme for the day/night". I'm pissed and sick of doing it already.

I guess it has got to the extent that it's showing in my attitude already.

Gosh, when can this turn for the better?