How exhausting

***Warning: Confused entry...just typing nonsensically..so pardon me pls..***

I'm finally back in Cardiff, after a week's stay in Notts.

My feelings when I came back....hmmm....completely different and unexpected. The whole thing felt like a joke.

Just when I thought that I'm back in my comfy little nest, I found out that my house router's adapter got a problem, so here I am in the comp lab blogging cos I got nothing better to do..haha. Nahz..I should be off for dinner, but I seriously have no appetite. I'm very troubled, yet not troubled...how contradicting.

I'm still feeling very embarrassed about the whole situation. I don't know who to talk to about it, and what I should do next about it too. I just don't understand why I had to get myself involved in this rship. I don't regret I suppose, just felt that I was hurt for no reason...I didn't even do anything that made me deserve all that.

No matter what I say, things won't change. I know for a fact that it's OVER. There's nothing more that I can do now isn't it?

Why do I have to drag on when I know it's useless? I feel really exhausted having to consider how he feels each time I wanna do, or wanna say anything now. Then again, why do I have to consider? Who is he? Who is he to affect how I feel? Huh?!

I was wide awake in the bus, and again, thoughts went through my head continuously, and it's darn tiring!

I shouldn't have came back earlier. I shouldn't have let anyone into my "world". I should have just kept to the "No one's gonna ever hurt me again" policy. I shouldn't have accepted the rship so in the beginning, there wont be anything to begin with.

Reality's cruel isn't it? What have I done to deserve all that..can someone tell me..?

Sinful me...huo gai..

I did something so terribly sinful today. I went to invade someone's privacy, and got him really really really disappointed. For the first time, I actually saw him talking to me looking extremely serious and I knew it wasn't funny. And the worst thing was I was wrong for invading his privacy, but I actually got upset over what I found out.

I'm horrible hor? If I could turn back time, I wouldn't want to know.

Anyway, just in one day, I committed 2 serious offences. First was what I mentioned above, the other was using vulgarities. It was unintentional, but I didn't know he took it very seriously and got really offended, just that he didn't say anything.

At the end of the day, I'm just filled with guilt manz. Feels so terrible even till now....bbbbbaaaaahhhhhhhhh~~~~~~. Someone pls kill me...

I might still have a chance to save this rship, but now I think I've ruined it completely. Honestly speaking, I'm really not what I am..as in what I did today. But I don't think I can convince him..besides..how long does he know me? I guess to him, I'm just a girl who doesn't know what's respecting someone's privacy and a girl who scolds vulgarities often.

I feel damn bad using that word in his presence. If I had never used that word on Jason except once, why did I use it so easily on him? I never even said it to people I hate too, but why did I say it to him?! What's going on with me manz....argh...

I just wish this was all a nightmare...

If anything happens...I have myself to blame manz. I really hope he changes his impression of me soon...not gonna be easy though...sigh...

And....I do not agree with him...cannot agree too that I shouldn't go for a opinionated guy. I know firmly what I want. I'm sure he said that cos he doesnt know me in and out yet...

How come no one really understands how I'm really really like....? This is so exhausting....I wish I never set my mind to taking this one so seriously....my fall wouldnt be this bad then...I would probably take it very lightly...

Others say "Once bitten, twice shy". I was bitten once, and I should have been smart enuff to keep a distance to prevent myself from getting hurt, but I don't know why I haven't learnt my lesson.

Why am I like that?

Sorry people, I deleted the last entry cos of certain reasons.

By the way, it's been snowing for the past few days here in Nottingham. The ground is covered with snow now. It's really beautiful. Jon woke me up from sleep to get me to look out of the window. Yes, it made me smile for a second. It's a really romantic sight, but surprisingly, I had no interest to go out. Usually, I will just rush out of the room in my tee and shorts and have a great time hopping around in the snow, but not today. I didn't want to play in the snow and get all excited about it alone. Last winter, Cardiff was covered in thick snow too. I was hence given leave by my hospital consultants to go out and play, instead of staying in the hospital to see patients. Being so excited, I just took a train back to Cardiff, and got all geared up to go out to take tons of photos with my friends. But when I got home, I realised I was the only one being excited. I asked my housemates to go out and play with me, but nobody wanted. Hence, that day, I spent it alone until I bumped into 2 Singaporeans in the park while I was trying to take photos of the surroundings and finding people to do me a favour by taking pictures for me.

I must admit it felt pathetic. Being independent and able to survive alone, I do have my own fair share of lonely times too. That was one example. This was exactly how I felt about it over the past few days when it snowed. I was enjoying it myself, even though at times, I had someone around me. I stretched out my hands to let snow fall on them, smiling when I find my coat covered with snow, but I know I am alone. Yes, alone again this year. No one's to be blamed. It's nobody's fault that they don't enjoy it as much as I do. However, I wish someone would just feel my joy..would just see how happy I am seeing it...would just make the effort to play snow with me... It's only a simple request...a simple wish..but yet.... Enuff said.

Last night..nope..this morning at an unearthly hour of 4am, Jon and I had a talk. I am glad we had a peaceful talk, and I really hope he will put some thought to what I told him.

Honestly speaking, I am happy on one hand that I am able to tell him what I think about him and I explained and explained and explained, giving many examples to make him see what I mean. For once, I felt useful. For once, there was something I can do for him, without having it backfired.

Yet on the other hand, I have no idea why I am doing all this because it's not doing me any good. In fact, I am probably throwing myself at the concrete wall for being truthful. I made him see why his ex never did certain things for him, how his friends might feel towards him without stating things out, how the way he is is affecting me everyday.

He knows for a fact that I feel strongly towards him, but I guess he just didn't realise that his insensitivity is bringing me down (does he care about it? i really dunno). As I was telling him all that last night, I actually had the intention to letting him see how I...yes..I feel when he does certain things unknowingly which hurts me. I wanted him to know how helpless I am throughout my stay here, apart from doing his bed for him every morning. But I ended up bringing his ex into the picture. It felt as if I was gonna seal up the gap between them and by doing this, I might be causing risk to myself cos...what if...what if they got back together? And if ever does happen, I was the one who made it so..when I know that his ex is somewhat a threat to me (but I don't wish to let this 'threat' title screw up my judgement towards her). If I knew I was running the chances of hurting myself, why the hell am I doing it??!?!?!? Am I just insane or what?

We had a very serious discussion a few days ago, and we have already agreed (though I was unwilling) to keep our rship on hold cos he thinks it's moving too quickly. I didn't let want to publish it initially cos I felt very embarrassed about it. Seriously, I feel like burying my head into the ground each time I think about it. Yet, if I love him, can I say I don't respect his decision despite feeling hurt myself? Does he even know that I'm hurt about it, rather than seeing my tears as a sign of pressure? I doubt it, cos like what I told him yesterday, he's......... nvm.

BECAUSE..BECAUSE he's just a friend now, there are things which I cannot do for him. I felt useless seeing that others can do stuffs for him, while I can't. I feel crippled, even as a friend. Knowing that he couldnt get up in time for bfast, I slotted into his file 2 Kit Kats so that if he's hungry, he can eat them in lectures. Why did I do that? Friends don't slot Kit Kats into your file secretly while you're in the shower no? And the worse thing is, I didn't even know that this chocolate fan doesn't eat chocolates in the morning. Yup, it felt like one gun shot into my temple...simply cos I didn't know.

Then it came to the alarm clock. I wanted to set mine so that I could get up and wake him up just in case he dozes off. Also, it will enable me to get up and get changed to attend lectures with him. But even this simple thing, I couldnt do it at all. To him, it seemed like I'm challenging his competency. I didn't even had that intention. I felt very misunderstood, and it does not feel good at all. I felt very unappreciated, and just dumped my hp into the bag and went to snuggle into my bed. The thing that went through my head was, "Fine lah! SUA! Do it yourself...I had enough..", and I didn't bother to get out of bed to go to school with him. He's just a friend no? YES, he's JUST a friend...why should I go do all that for A FRIEND then? Despite knowing this, why am I still doing it then? WHY?! Why can't I just be more bo chup?

Does my experience this time sound familiar? I thought only I think so...but apparently not...

And the way he sees a rship...is like a country governed by the government. It's complex to understand, I know. But I do understand it perfectly. He doesn't know that a rship doesn't work that way. I don't blame him, and I'm trying to make him see my point. Yet, as I'm doing it, wanting him to realise that I'm saying this cos it's beneficial for me, I am aware that once he understands this, another girl will be in his arms, enjoying the fruits of my "labour". I will be damn pissed if that happens, but I love him....I can't bear to see him staying this way with the wrong mentality for dunno how long. Another reason is because it's torturing me. I'm not that noble lah...I admit that I do consider if I benefit from things I do, but it's not the main reason to why I am doing all that for him.

Anyway, despite telling him tons of things at 4am, I dont even know if he will bother to think over. Maybe he will just throw it aside. Maybe he will think of other things which concerns his rship with his friends and not me (even though I'm a friend now). That's how unwanted I feel. If that really happens....then I really dunno how long I can last being like that...

I don't wish to be hurt again. Why can't he understand that ' gan qing yi dan fu chu le, jiu zai ye shou bu hui '?

He told me he doesnt want me to hurt him, and asked if I would. I told him if I ever did, it wasn't intentional, and if I knew it hurts, I would choose never to do it. On Saturday, I told him while watching a movie that I hope he won't hurt me. It was a hint. Does he know? I bet he doesn't. I hinted because I was already hurt...I saw it coming, and I was just hoping he can help me by putting a stop to it, but seems to me he didn't get it cos he happily continued watching the movie while I sat there wondering if he got it. Why hurt? Cos I was the one who held his hand, I was the one who hugged him. Hello? I'm a girl!!!!!! I'm not saying girls should not take the initiative, but why are the first times all initiated by me? Now that I know he sees everything as a challenge to his compentency, are those first moves an act of challenging his competency too? NO, BECAUSE I know if I don't hold his hand, if I don't hug him, he will NOT do it. Don't ask me why. I just had a gut feeling and I am so "proud" to know my gut feeling is right.

I also know something which he doesn't. If he ever reads this entry, he will know. I saw this blog address while I was surfing around. Out of curiosity, I went in to see since I love reading blogs. I had no idea who was the author. I read the entries. I had a feeling I knew who was the author, but I know I should not ask him cos what right have I got? I kept it in me. I remember something very clearly...one entry had something like this.."I wish my bf was more sensitive..". Then as I was talking to Jon about him not being sensitive, he said his ex said the same thing to him. At that instant, I had a stronger reason to believe who that blog author was. I didnt say anything at all. I have no right to stop him from reading her blog (which hasnt been updated since dunno when in 2004), because I'm only a friend. I don't have a reason to be jealous, yet I am. I am not a girl who gets jealous easily, but I felt a tinge of jealousy then. At that time, if I was spot on about the blog, then..looks like...it's not just me who looked back at my past rship. I already realised my mistake, admitted my mistake, promise to not do it again, and have made up my mind to put my entire heart and soul into this new rship...why did I find out that it's not just me who made this mistake? If I was right about my guess, I will not blame him. What he smsed me the last time when I admitted my fault will be the exact thing I will sms him cos I can fully understand why. But I'll be lying if I say I don't feel anything.

Am I reasonable enuff? Am I doing/feeling what any Man on a train would do/feel?

If he ever reads this entry, I hope he will not see it as a means to add pressure on him. I had no intention of doing so. It's just how I really feel deep down inside.

And I hope he knows that if I ever limit the things I do...or seem to be more bo chup....it's not because I am bo chup..but because I am giving him his space to breathe..to ponder about what he's done...to grow. I am doing this because I am serious when I said "I love you" to him....

Arrived in UK

It's been a terribly busy day for me in Cardiff. Surprisingly, I only slept an hour in the plane and another in the coach, and I'm still very energetic at the moment.

Hey, guess what?! My tears did not manage to flow out at all when I bid farewell to my family before entering the departure gate. What a miracle. I could feel it coming out soon when Dad and Mum hugged me though. Only a tear or two after I went in...but the thing is, my parents didn't get to see it. Hehe..

The flight was quite good, but I just couldn't get to sleep. I spent the time watching movies and listening to music. And always thinking about food, food and more food...bah. Oh yes, talking about food, I think SIA's meals for economy class is really good. I haven't had one that tasted terrible yet for the numerous flights I have taken over the years. Their service seems to suck at times though, but fortunately, the crew on this flight wasn't too bad.

There was a medical emergency during the flight. There was this very elderly man who went unconscious, and the crew had to ask if any doctor or medical personnel on board. I felt EXTREMELY helpless. I wish so much that I could go over and help. But I'm only a medical student. I can't handle situations as intense as this yet. The only help I could offer was to provide stethoscopes and other medical equipment which I've got in my hand luggage, which unfortunately was not needed cos the doctors who volunteered to help had a stethoscope. And you know what? It's a Littmann Cardio III steth. Sheesh...mine's the inferior Littmann II. I was then sitting on my seat, telling myself that one day, I'll be useful during such situations. I'm not gonna sit aside and feel helpless again.

I was very very happy when I saw Jon at Heathrow. He had gone to the airport all the way from Notts to help me with my luggage and accompany me to Cardiff! It was his plan since dunno when, and he did let me know his travel details. I'm sure he didn't sleep well on the coach and didn't have bfast, so I packed half my flight bfast for him :)

He didn't sleep well again on the coach from the airport to Cardiff, and did not rest at all after we arrived cos we went straight for lunch, to the housing agencies, and to the city to buy some necessities.

Then now that we're finally back in my house, he knocked out immediately. I did my unpacking and clearing of my room while he's aslp. I bet he must be so tired cos I wasn't very quiet with my unpacking, and I can still see him sound aslp and snoring at times.

Haven't had dinner too. I'm feeling pretty hungry, but I just don't dare to wake him up. I think he might end up sleeping till the next morning. Intended to bring him to the Chinese restaurant where I used to work in for dinner tonight cos he wanted chinese food, however, maybe we might end up eating takeaway instead. Wonder what he prefers...I'm worried that if I go buy it myself, he might not like what I ordered.

*Dilemma for a while*

Ok, I think I shall wake him up in 15 mins' time... or else if he gets up in the middle of the night, he'll be famished and there's nothing that he can eat (I haven't gone to buy groceries yet).

Very excited about tomorrow manz! Gonna go shopping with him in the city..hehe..yay!!!! Might catch a movie and go to Chinatown for a nice dinner too...slurp! :D

This is my Gap Year

An unfortunate event resulted in me having to take a gap year. I don't feel good about having to take this option, because all my old classmates are all gonna be my seniors now. And when they graduate together, I still have 1 more year to go. But then again, perhaps it's better for me to be on a gap year.

I'm leaving today for cold boring UK. Before I leave, I thought it might be a good idea to recall back what I did for the past 6 months. I always have the impression that it isn't good, but who knows...maybe after I have jotted them down here, I might change my impression of my gap year.

(Everything is based on my memory, so I might get the months wrong for minor stuffs)

August
I arrived in Singapore on the 1st. Was welcomed by my family members and Jason. I felt relieved that I'm finally home. And more than happy to see Jason around because we were already having problems before I came back. Honestly, I was thinking everything will be fine after I come back, and I actually thought so when I got to see him more. And I'm definitely gonna make my 6 mths' stay a great memorable one for him. Then for some reason, got to see him lesser and lesser..

I planned our 3rd mth dinner, prepared a present, but it wasn't carried out because of...I can't remember why. August wasn't a good month...I think half of it was quite miserable.

September
I always wanted to continue doing Japanese, so I registered for Jap class at this terribly lousy Jap school. It was sheer torture to go for Jap class there, and I will NEVER go back there again. I felt so cheated cos what I experienced was not what the Principal had told me when I registered. And it wasn't cheap.

I had more unpleasant events during this month. It felt terrible cos I had no idea what went wrong, and because I didn't, I couldn't try to solve it. I wish he would just tell me and I started feeling more and more hurt and insecure. I did silly things for him, but I think my presence just brought him anger. I suppose..he just didn't like seeing me at all. Each time I left, I cried the moment I turned my face away from him.

My only relief was going for Jap class, meeting a few friends and new pals for some activities, spending time with my family. It was a different life for a while. I wasn't particularly happy, but I tried to be. I tried living a different life without him, thinking that perhaps I'll get adapted and not anger him again..hopefully, he'll be pleased.

I think it was also during this month that I really shouted at him. We did raise voices at each other before, but it'll all be solved soon. But that night, it was during Stacey's BBQ that I actually yelled on the hp. It kinda shocked her guests..duh. I regretted doing that completely when he slammed the phone on me, yet I knew my heart broke that day...and it hit my threshold already. I remember..I haven't seen or heard from him for weeks and weeks before I did that to him.

I lost myself that night. I didn't go back till wee hours. I hung out with Boon, had some alcohol (I drank quite a bit at Stacey's house already), went to KTV and sang and sang.

October
I think I hung out quite a lot with Joshua and Jonathan. Didn't do very much during this month..maybe I did, but I cant remember anything. Anyway, if I did go out with Joshua and Jonathan, I had fun each time. I think I started French class during this time also right?

If I'm not wrong, I stepped into the piano studio in Esplanade library for the first time. Joshua said he wanted to play the piano together with me, but being such a lousy pianist, I decided to let him play it himself, while I just at one corner and sing. I don't think the studio's sound proof, meaning those ppl sitting outside could hear me sing along with the piano!!! OH DEAR!

I went through a break up finally. Exactly 5 months ( was it all planned?). To him, it also marked the end of friendship between me and him. I was a stranger to him from then on. What happened at NTU that day...I have not forgotten. I regretted using vulgarities. I did something against my will..I did so because his eyes told me I didnt have a choice. It stays clearly in my head till now and I really hope one day I will just forget about it. I guess it will take a long time...

Watched an Andy Lau movie with Boon and Leng Gan at JP that day. I guess I must have looked terrible with my swollen eyes and pimple breakouts.

I packed all the stuffs and memories Jason and I had, passed them to my brother and told him to keep them for me for the time being. Memories stay, but the meaning of those things are lost. I told myself I shall try to let it go...and yes, it hurts A LOT!

This month also gave me hell with an insane woman. For all that she has done, I shall not hesitate to call her a bitch. And I still think she is till this very second. I have not forgiven her, never will either. I don't hate anyone easily, but she's that good to get herself to be 2nd in my list. Who's the 1st? Some pervert which I will not even drop a tear for if he ever gets run down by a car.

November
Went through a lot during this month. Nursing my wound, and of course, trying to start my life all anew again. Not much happenings...

Oh yes..there is one! I went to attend Joshua's concert at VCH. He played 'Romanze' for me. Although it didn't sound exactly the same as that in the Korean drama, I appreciated his effort for playing it cos it isn't a very easy piece..

I also met Diana for the first time :) Dinner with her, Josh and Jonathan at Swensens was great.

December
Took my JLPT exam. Also, had my placement test done at Ikoma Languge school cos I wanted to do my Jap Intermediate level there. I started my Intermediate straight after I finished my JLPT exam.

Went to Kor's wedding at Grand Hyatt as well. Also celebrated Joshua's bday and mine together at Sakae Sushi. Simple affair. Got this really cute white teddy from Joshua, Jonathan and Diana. It's happily sitting on my white cane arm chair now..hehe.

I made wishes during this month too.

I had a nice dinner at Haru with my family on my birthday. I received lovely flowers from Kor too, and some birthday cards.

Was it also during December that I met up with Priscilla? Or was it in November?

I also started making international penpals. Quite fun actually.. :)

January
I went for some makeup workshop which Mum registered me for. It was fun watching people put them on. Then met Clayton after my workshop. Chatted a lot.

I had my follow up session with Prof Kua as well. This time, I did not put up a front. Even though he refused to discharge me permanently, I am quite pleased that for once, I told him the truth.

I also met Christy, my jap class classmate. Went with her to choose stuffs for her house, and had a very delicious dinner at Plaza Singapura's food court...haha. Ok, I know the word 'food court' kinda ruined how 'delicious' the food was, but hey, the Indonesian stall serves really nice food. If you guys are in that area, go try it!

I made a pair of new spectacles and a new pair of contact lenses. DAMN FREAKING EXPENSIVE (since when making specs and contacts are cheap?). I didn't get to make a pair of frameless spectacles cos the lady said my degree is too high, and it will not look good on me if I made a frameless one. Yes, I was disappointed, and settled for another which I think isn't too bad too. At least I don't think I look terribly fugly in it. Of course, I would rather wear contacts..

For Dad's bday, it was a simple dinner at Crystal Jade. I bought him a green tea cake which he couldnt bear to eat..hahahaa. He claimed that it was too beautiful to be eaten.

January is also the month Jon and I are officially together :)

February
I met up with lovely Huishan and Ruoying for dinner at Billy Bomber's. Great meet up with these 2 angels. It's a pity I cant meet them another time before I leave. Will wait till I return. This time, we'll make sure Si'en meets up with us!

Met Janna, Jon's sister cos she wanted to pass me some stuffs which I volunteered to carry over to UK. Nice girl, but I actually got tongue tied. Yikes, what's with me manz?! And cos I was so terribly slack that day, Janna told Jon that I look very tired blah blah blah. Gosh, I feel like one big market auntie...so embarrassing..

CNY...2 days of being very very sianz. But it's also a great time for my family to spend some time together. Shopping for new clothes during this month was torturing. However, I do admit that it's fun putting make up and dressing nicely for the 2 days. Took quite a few self-obsessed photos as well!

Fred's bday celebration didn't end up feeling like it was for him..haha. I shall go back to UK and find a nice present for him. It was also at the dinner at Pan Pacific that I saw the craziest dressing alive. Yeah, that pinky bra and G string..yucks..

Vday was ordinary. I was given a surprise on 13th though, which I'm feeling happy nonetheless.

Busy going out to get my hair treatment done, buy necessary stuffs e.g. shoes, tons of clothes (it's time I change my wardrobe..shall gradually stop wearing tracks, tees and jeans..), VCD(didn't buy much this time though..), go gaga over Park Shin Yang, watched a few movies (yeah, I caught 'A Moment to Remember'..it's ok lah...), had nice dinners alone at Japanese restaurants, crazy chats with Jon (some r out of this world...*shakes head*), did my brows (which unfortunately is growing out again...aaaahhhhh), did a pedicure (it'll be soon I'll remove the colour I think..anyway, I can't wear open toed sandals in UK..too cold..) etc etc...

********

That concludes the end of my gap year (before I leave Sg). Hmm...after looking at what I did over the past few months, I must say..I really didn't do much! Unhappy memories are numerous, but can't deny the fact that I had happy ones too. I can't say I enjoyed myself completely, but I'm alright... I think I am.

Very extremely long entry this one is, so I shall stop here. Before I leave, I just want to say thanks to my friends who sent me smses just now, chatted with me over MSN to wish me bon voyage, those who gave me wonderful memories which I will bring to UK, offer to see me off at the airport etc. If it weren't for these people, I am sure I wouldn't have sufficient memories to make me smile while typing this out.

Hey ppl, stay happy and healthy yeah? I will miss u guys.. all the best for everything that u're doing, and remember to keep me updated via MSN okies? *hugz*

My Vday

Earlier this evening, I actually blogged about how pissed off I got because of conflicts and insane family members over dinner, but I'm all cooled down now. Thanks to Jon who rang me up and listen to my grumbles. I think he could sense my blood boiling cos he said I sound quite fierce..yikes.. Fortunately he wasn't around to watch me shout back at home. Hmm...I can get terribly fierce...don't try me..

Anyway, nothing much to write about my Vday. No celebration. Jon's too far away, but I think we'll work out a belated one. I wonder how it'll be like...

Despite being far far away from me, I was given a surprise! I LOVE SURPRISES!!!!! :D

This is it..

How it was presented...

My teddy and roses..plus card..

My 7 roses..mini bouquet..simple..but it still made me smile...

Why 7 ah? I heard that 7 means 'I am infatuated with you'. Is this true? Hmm..if it is, then..hmm...Jon should go for Floral lessons with a minor in Mathematics. That shall teach him what different number of roses means.

Red roses..one of my favourite. It's a very ordinary colour for roses, but somehow, I just like it. Of course, I do find some other kinds of flowers or other colours for roses pretty as well.

While I'm blogging, Jon's smsing me to tell me about one of his uni mates. Apparently, her bf of 5 yrs (or isit 7?) sent her hurting msges, and goodness..it's V day. What's wrong with this ass? And before all that, there was even once he asked for a time out. What the hell is going on? Just because she's studying in UK, means she's not worth loving anymore? I got really worked up when Jon smsed me about her. Sheesh...heard that she's sobbing..I hope she'll get over it as soon as she can. Damn..I wish I could kick her bf's (ex now?) balls, and castrate him alive.

Her pathetic bf's in NS. Hmm..isn't it just weird that a NS man can tell you he wants a time out? I thought guys will treasure their gfs like jewels when they're in NS? Why? Cos they are worried no one is there to spend their nights out with them, and no one's there to spend their weekends with them. And it feels extremely pathetic that their army pals are all out with their darlings, while he is all alone on a supposedly shiok Saturday. It probably boost their ego by telling their bunkmates that they are attached too. I only heard of girls jilting guys who are in NS ( NS guys jilt gfs..usually cos there's a 3rd party. All the 'I wanna concentrate on my NS' is pure rubbish!).

Then while the poor girls are waiting patiently for bloody 2.5 yrs (new batches are 2 yrs), and finally thinking that their bf will appreciate them and treasure them more than ever now that they are out of NS, a percentage of them will start jilting their gf. What kind of logic is this? They then start grumbling that their gf is this and that. Any lame excuse and reason you can think of, they can give it. I heard loads of it, and I'm extremely disgusted by it too. If their gf's such a shitty bitch from the start, then why didn't he ditch her when he's in NS? Why does he have to wait till ORD?

Another thing is LDR. Why?! Why do couples have to break up cos of this?! I'm not saying that there are none who went through this test, but the percentage's relatively small. Before the girl/guy goes abroad, the other half will sound optimistic, encouraging, giving hope to the other party, and then not long after (and I really mean NOT LONG AFTER), they are bound to break up. If you're not even confident of holding on, why in the first place give hope? Why give promises?

Just looking around me, how many actually broke up cos of this? Numerous! I'm no exception as well. BAH!

Then you have assholes who break up straight after graduation overseas. What the....!!!!!! Break up cos they are going back to their own respective countries? Then if they knew this would happen, why did they get together in the first place??!?!?! What's the explanation? Loneliness, sexual desire, or basically just for ego's sake that you're not left on the shelf since most of the people around u are attached or are getting attached?

I'm seriously wondering what is screwing up these people's minds...

Feeling lazy..

One should really look at my face now. I'm expressionless with small eyes. I think I look as if I've got a cranial nerve 7 palsy (Jon! What is the function of Cranial Nerve 7?).

Why? COS I'M SIANZ...

"Then why are u still here Mich? Go sleep lah!"...hmm..I know that's going through your head now.

But I can't..cos I feel guilty. I haven't been revising for the past dunno how many days, and I can feel myself getting more and more slacky, which is NOT the way to go. I was still wondering how long more I intend to slack, trying to find various excuses for my terrible ways, until Jon told me he's gonna study hard tonight. Made me even more guilty, and I have decided to do a bit of revision. However, the moment I opened up my book, I am pretty turned off and hence, I'm here blogging...BLEAH....

A very unproductive but tiring day. I slept when the sun rose again, and my sleep was disturbed by phone calls!!!! ARGH! First, it was a call from someone irritating and 2nd, it was from someone who claims to know me, but unfortunately, I can't remember which Kelvin it was..goodness me. I think that Kelvin must have got offended, therefore saying he got the wrong number. Then again, if he did, then how the hell he knows my name is Michelle?! *scratches head* I'm not gonna call back and ask....too lazy.

It's Fred's bday, and I think I've been a horrid sister. No presents, not even a card! I shall get him a nice one when I go back to UK. I'm currently toooooooo broke to afford anything.

My family and I went to Keiyaki at Pan Pacific Hotel last night for Teppanyaki. It's meant to be a celebration for Fred's bday. Dad brought one of his overseas pal along, so in the end, it seemed more like a dinner for entertainment purposes, rather than a bday celebration. OH YES! Talking about the dinner..I have to blog this down!!!!!

I saw someone quite gross yesterday :X It's about this asian..no..she looks like she belongs to some tribe. She was with her American husband. She's got a very healthy tan (too brown for me though...I have something against the sun). What caught my attention was her dressing. It's just extraordinary, but yucks. She wore this army green halter which is darn super low cut (half her boobs were exposed..and I could even see her bra!), and it's bare back. Who on earth would wear a PINK bra with the bra being exposed behind? And worse..her bra's the darn lacy sort...and her army green halter material is so thin..u can actually make out the pattern of her bra. Oh, by the way, her boobs look very fake..but that's not the point lah.. *ahem*

Just when I thought that was pretty turned off enough, guess what?! I realised she's wearing a white lace (there is no inner skirt lining) tight skirt. And she wore a G string. You don't need to be an expert to guess whether she wore one, cos u can see her underwear straight away through the holes of her lacy skirt. Wah liew...DAMN GROSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why didn't she just come into the restaurant with her lacy pinky bra and white G string? She can probably flaunt her tanned boobs and tanned sexy legs around in a more seductive manner. Oh..or maybe angmos like it this way...more mysterious hor? I'm not saying that ALL angmos are bad, but why are a substantial number of them so attracted to Asian women who dress that way? I thought only low class angmos do that, but then her husband doesn't look low class at all (should be quite financially stable if he can happily dine in expensive sashimi and ordering all kinds of expensive courses for the Teppanyaki). So weird..

I'm so touched

I went to bed with a smile this morning (again, I watched the sun rise...).

Jon finally came back after his hall formal. Before he went for it, he called to tell me he'll be back in a hour (a bit crazy cos 1 hr's quite short). I guess he was worried I'll feel left alone. Honestly speaking, I didn't feel that way at all. I wanted him to have his share of fun. I think he has spent a lot a lot of time on me, trying to build a strong base for our relationship..afterall, we've only just started out not long ago. And for all that he has done so far, I think it's only reasonable that I shouldn't restrict his freedom at all.

I was expecting to talk to him to call me to tell me about how fun his hall formal was..and was rather excited when he came back. But for a moment, I got disappointed when he asked if he could go to Republic (a restaurant pub) with his friends for more food (drinks perhaps?). Actually, I kinda expected that it wouldn't just solely be a dinner affair. But knowing the way he is, I did have slight thoughts that he would keep his word. Hence, probably that's why I got slightly disappointed. It made me feel like my wait's a waste of time and I should have jolly well went off to sleep (even though I might not be able to slp cos I was feeling too energetic).

I didn't stop him nevertheless. When his great buddy Zheng Yang asked me on the phone if he could borrow Jon for a night, I could sense how much they wanted him to go out with them. I guess my presence did pull Jon away from them to some extent. It would be very very selfish of me if I insisted that Jon stay with me 24/7. I don't wish to see him lose his friends as well.

So Jon went out with them, and I just got so sianz, I went to sleep. Couldn't sleep though. I felt something, which is unreasonable on my part. Was trying to throw my disappointment aside and wake up smiling again the next morning.

Then, something unexpected happened. My hp beeped. Sms from him. I didn't expect it at all, despite knowing that he's sure to drop me a msg after returning from Republic to say good night at least.

Could sense that he was bored and feeling very guilty about the issue. I'm glad we managed to say out truthfully about how we felt. I was also very touched that he knew I was disappointed, and was doing his best to take away that feeling by telling me many many things. I wasn't disappointed anymore. In fact, I was smiling.

Then something even more unexpected happened! He sent a msg over and said he's walking home now...told me to wait for his call! It shocked me, and I waited..but before I knew it, I dozed off..yikes..and got up in a shock when the phone rang.

Poor Jon. Can sense that he's totally exhausted. How can I ever be angry or disappointed with him? I really really appreciated his effort in calling me. Instead, I felt guilty manz! It must be all because of me that's why he didn't want to stay long at Republic. I'm sure his friends must have felt a little pissed with him just leaving. *guilty*

Anyway, what touched me the most was something he said to me yesterday. He told me he understand that it's important to hang out with others, to build rapport etc, but even so, he can't just cast me aside and ignore how I will feel. It's a very simple thing to say hor? But I don't remember anyone telling me that. Why ah?

I'm pleased to know I felt my importance.....and he doesn't think I'm some burden. I just hope in the near future, he will still think the same..

While waiting..

I know I have blogged a long entry earlier on, and now I'm here blogging again.

Crazy hour hor? I should be snoring soundly in bed, but cos I was so tired in the afternoon, I had a 4 hr nap. Hence, I'm feeling terribly awake now...and that Jon had to go for his hall formal! WTH! How can he leave me here alone while he happily dine in his hall in his Hugo Boss suit?! How about me?!?!?! I don't even have a chance to wear my evening gown!!!!! I wish I can spank him...%&^#...kidding lah..haha. I'm hoping he's having fun at his dinner :) Should be quite cool hor? Have a great time oogling at girls all dressed up...beats looking at slacky me who's now wearing a lousy kiam chai TJC tee and shorts. Sigh... *cheeky smile*

I have decided to be NICE by waiting for him to finish his dinner. I wonder what time he's gonna be back manz...I hope I will still be awake by then.

Anyway, since I'm sitting here having no wish to do anything, it's only natural that my mind starts wandering.

Thinking about what happened yesterday evening.

I did something wrong. It is a big mistake to me, and I felt terribly guilty. It was bugging me a lot the whole evening, and I decided to tell Jon about it. I had thoughts of hiding it, however, I know Jon is sure to know I'm being bugged by something (am I such a bad actress?). After much thought, I have decided to be honest and I was expecting him to ignore me for a while.

Sent smses over, and to my surprise, he didn't ignore me at all. Instead, he sent me replies to tell me how he felt. Although his replies sounded as if he's not hurt, but I know he is. Who wouldn't? If I were in his shoes, I would definitely.

I feel damn guilty about it, and I was apologising non stop. Now as I'm sitting down and recalling the replies he gave me, I feel even more guilty despite feeling relieved. I don't think he thinks it's very much a big deal, but somehow, to me, it seem major.

I'm wondering if it would be better if he scolded me yesterday. Will I feel better? Why is he just so tolerant? Why is he just so understanding? Why doesn't he have a temper? Is it because this is just a beginning? Sometimes, I wonder if I'm dreaming. How can such a person exist..huh?

Jon told me something which I have been thinking since last night...

"Do you know what 'Ai Qing' is? You need 'Ai' to start a relationship..and 'Qing' to make it last. What you are going through now is because the 'Qing' is still there. I'm not expecting you to have none of it left now, because if that's so, u would have been heartless. If u can be so towards another person, you would be so towards me too.."

Honestly, I don't know if I fully agree with what 'Ai' and 'Qing' means for a relationship. How can it last without 'Ai'? Can 'Qing' make 2 people stay together for good? Is a lasting relationship about unconditional love and concern? Or is it just a matter of getting so used to each other's presence that the rest doesn't matter much anymore?

Mum once told me despite so many couples around (married and dating), finding a pair which are truly in love with each other is extremely rare. Is this true?

I have always been wondering for years about what Mum said. It's really pathetic if couples are together just because they are used to having the other person around. Hor? *ponders*

2 days of CNY..

How quickly has 2 days of CNY gone by...

I didn't do very much this year. Nothing special too. Yeah, those pals of mine in UK, if they ever read this, they probably wish they can flush me down the toilet bowl cos they just wish they were home to celebrate this festive season.

It was the usual boring house visiting on the 1st day. Went to Grandaunts', Grandpa's and Granny's. I was so tired..sheesh..that I actually dozed off while watching TV at Grandpa's place. Got scolded by Mum when we left. Come on manz, would I doze off if I weren't tired? I didnt doze off on purpose too. I didnt even know I slept until I suddenly got up and realised the movie on TV ended. Had a little argument with Mum over this trivial matter. I should have just let her scold me rather than arguing back since I know she will never ever give in to me, and will argue till she wins (how did Dad stand her for the past erm...32 years? wah liew...bth..*shakes head*)

Collected quite a few angpows. I haven't opened them up yet. Am thinking of taking part of it to get a hair treatment done at the salon..heez...what an idea hor? Oh ya, my fierce Grandaunt gave me and my brother each a $200 angpow!!! She said it's SPECIALLY for us... :) I had a $200 angpow last year too I think, but Fred only had $50. But recently, she seem to like him a lot..so perhaps that's why she gave him a big one this year. Fortunately, she's in a good mood during CNY this year...or else..everyone would have a very bad time at her place. Phew~!

And she didn't comment on the way I looked and dress. What a relief! Before my family left the house, Mum was still going, "Michelle, I don't know if they were make noise about your make up. I don't know if your make up is too thick or not...blah blah blah" Yup, the usual. EXACTLY the SAME stuffs she said the night of my cousin's wedding. I couldn't be bothered manz...

My cousin had it bad though. Expected. She's got the craziest hairstyle alive. It's for a hairshow by Tony & Guys..so you can roughly imagine. Let me try to describe it. The back of her hair is straight, below shoulder and black in colour. The top is spiky and darn short with dyed green patches. Then the left side of her hair's till the level of her mouth, with dyed blonde and green layers, while there's nothing but short and spiky hair on the left. It's quite out of this world. MUM ACTUALLY SAID IT'S NICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My god, I can't imagine myself coming home with such a hairstyle. She probably would bring me to the hairdresser's on the spot and shave my head bald. I salute my cousin for having the guts to go see Grandaunt with this hair...yikes. Grandaunt made a helluva noise about it, saying she's some cabaret girl etc.

It's rotting in the house on the 2nd day of CNY. Since Dad's the eldest, so it's the day whereby my relatives will come to my place. I didn't set the alarm, and thought I can sleep my fill.

Then my aunt came barging into my room when she came. Her voice was so sharp and the moment she started yelling "Michelle!!!!" outside my room, I woke up in a shock. I thought Mum's yell was bad...but hers is worse!!!!!!!!!!! I have never heard a scarier yell than my aunt's. I think it's more effective than alarm clocks manz. I was quite angry when she barged in without knocking. It's rude enough to go into someone's room without permission, and I think it's even more rude to enter without knocking. I should have locked my door last night before I sleep if I knew this would happen.

Had dinner at Charming Garden in Copthorne Orchid. The food isn't good, especially the fish! Can't believe this standard's coming from a restaurant under Tung Lok Group. Tsk tsk tsk....

Happy Chinese New Year!

Hey! HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Heez...

I figured out that it'll be a waste of money to send everyone a sms to wish all a prosperous and happy CNY *clears throat*, so the easiest way aka the cheapest way is to put it here in my blog!

Let Michelle wish u a whole year of luck, prosperity, happiness in the year of the Rooster. :)

Yes, gotta thank Huishan for the CNY greetings..heez. Kor as well. I was so touched.

Oh oh...and Jon too!!! *Hugz* Thanks for the greetings well and yup, your morning call..*beaming* Hey Jon, I'm feeling Jing Shen Bai Bei....good start for the day hor?

I shall try to be all smiling for the rest of the day..then can be a chiobu (ignore that acne on my face which is still there...). Will try to take tons of photos today with my brand new Canon Ixus 40 too. Hopefully a few will look good. *prays*

Once again,

HAPPY LUNAR NEW YEAR 2005 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My new obsession...hehee...

Since few days ago, I have been going crazy over the actor of the Korean drama serial, Lovers in Paris. Park Shin Yang is his name.

When I went to Blue Max, I was quite reluctant to buy this serial even though I read really good reviews about this drama from Yesasia.com. Ok la, have to admit that I was not attracted to both the actor and actress at all. But now I'm absolutely hooked to the actor. Darn..what's the matter with me..*blush*

This is him:

Hehehe... I'm sure people will say I got damn bad taste cos he looks old, not cute etc. Actually, yeah..he's not cute. But I'm just so attracted cos I think he got the physique and the charisma. Plus, he got the 'clean' look which I adore very much. I think he looks extremely good in suits..manz...I'm going crazy..

Anyway, I think he looks very good together with the actress, Kim Jung Eun :) Oh, Park Shin Yang's married..hmm...gosh..with so many people thinking that he and Jung Eun looks like a dream couple. Check out these pics!

(How's that pink dress? I love it to bits...I wish I had one..ahhhh...)

Mrs Park must be feeling jealous. If it's me, I would manz!!!

So guess what made me buy this serial? Cos of this photo..

People who know me well will know I love dancing. I've always wanted to learn ballroom dancing, but I'm quite fussy about who I should learn it with (can't expect me to be in that pose with someone I don't like or feel damn comfy with right?!), and time can be quite a problem too.

However, I'm so gian to go learn it if I come back to Singapore during summer. And the good thing is Jon is dying to learn ballroom dancing too..cos his dad thinks it's good (gosh...his dad thinks exactly the same as mine). Someone mentioned Raffles Town Club yeah? I'll be waiting..

It'll really be my years of fantasy coming true if I ever get to dance in a ballroom like the above photo. Pretty shimmering heels, long flowy dress, hair nicely tied up..*dreams* And of cos must make sure the guy looks really good too! Nicely styled hair, suit, well-polished leather shoes.. Goodness...sure to kill me straight on the spot..haha

Enuff of my crazy obsession. Shall stop boring all of you :)

DEAD DISAPPOINTED!

***Warning: very very harsh entry. apologies ppl, that's a very straightforward me if I want to drill something in someone. this person should know who he is, so to the others, pls don't take offence (the person i'm targetting this entry at SHOULD NOT even feel offended cos everything is nothing but a fact)***

I am very very very disappointed with someone. I have always thought this person's old enough, mature enough, sensible enough to know what he's doing, but unfortunately NOT! YOU should know who YOU are.

I shall not tell u all the nice stories to make you feel better, cos they are ALL lies, and it's not gonna make matters look better, so I think I should just tell you everything directly..telling you straight about how disappointed I am with you, how you piss my ass off and how I am feeling about the whole issue.

It's not just you having a hard time. I am as well. Like I said, I have enough problems of my own. I do NOT need more, and if you think u do want to go on adding things to my list of problems, GET OUT OF MY LIFE! I won't make you stay!

Reason? Cos I have done my utmost to salvage and maintain the friendship. If you think it's not enough, let me tell you...I think I have done nothing wrong. I have tried my very very best. It's up to you to believe me. If you don't, so be it. I don't think there's anything more I can do to convince you. Remember that I am NOT obliged to! I think I have been kind enough by putting in effort to please you when I don't have to, and besides, if it's someone else, she probably won't even entertain you at all.

You said a while ago that you know what is wrong..you don't wish to be a pest. If you can actually know that u're heading towards that direction, for goodness sake, stop making yourself turn into one.

Should I never ever want to talk to u or entertain u anymore, u know the reason best. Don't put the blame on me, and no way will I feel guilty because it's NOT my fault. You made things so.

Are you feeling very hurt after reading this? I will not apologise. I said all this for your own good. Take it or leave it. It's your choice.

Girls' Night Out

That's the 3 of us today! Me, Huishan and Ruoying at Billy Bomber's in Tampines :)

It's been a long time since I have last seen them...2-3 yrs for Huishan and 6 yrs for Ruoying. But the both of them are still as jovial and bubbly as ever. And they look no different from how they looked in Secondary School.

I had a fun evening even though it was just dinner. We took quite a few photos (even in the toilet), and there's even one with a funny pose. Ruoying and I were trying to imitate the pose of the mannequins of some bikini shop. I'm waiting to receive all the photos from Huishan since she's kinda the main photographer just now..haha.

It's quite a pity that Si'en didn't get to join us as she's stuck working OT. Hopefully, I will get to see them again before I go back to UK. It'll be fun, I suppose.

It was tons of crap and gossipping over dinner e.g. past scandals, crushes, ppl tt we don't fancy. I think the funniest one was about Huishan talking about choosing sperms if a girl goes to a sperm bank (does anyone know if we can do "sperm shopping"?). She was wondering if it's possible to "choose" your ideal child e.g. "I want a sperm that will let me produce a child who is not a Hei Ren". Then she went on crapping about sperms from White/Yellow-skinned individuals going out of stock while those from Blacks (e.g. Ah pu nehs) will have more supply than demand. Plus, she even gave her estimated quotation of how much her boss' sperms are worth!!!!! LOL... (I think if her boss reads this, she's probably in for a sack soon..hahaha)

And I finally found out the answer to a question I have been wondering for years in secondary school. BVSS ppl are bound to know that I had a massive crush on this guy called Jiao Joo when I was in secondary school. And I have always been wondering if Jiao Joo likes these 2 girls (I actually think they're my love rivals before!!!). The answer is No. I don't think Huishan and Ruoying can confidently tell me if he liked any girl, but they were just suspecting that he liked one of their ex-classmates...a very petite and sweet-looking girl called Weiyi. Sigh..how silly I was by crushing on him throughout my days in sec sch. It really tickles me the moment I think about it now. Sheesh..those were the innocent days isn't it? Then I actually got quite excited when we started talking about Jiao Joo just now... (I wonder how is he currently...hmmm...)

Don't get me wrong. I got excited cos I think it's real cool to bring up all these wonderful memories, but NOT because I feel anything for him. So don't let your imagination go really wild ah?

Brain Juice

I have always been fascinated by the brain since young, and hence, I went into Medicine aspiring to be a Neurosurgeon (I'm opening options now though cos Neurology is really damn difficult..and can be quite boring at times).

Another reason to why the brain...well...I wanted to find out if my fantasy of brain juice is reality. I have always thought that brain juice is green..bright slime green..like those you see from alien shows. And I FIRMLY believe it is so, until I got into medical school.

Then I realise one day, when I was in the dissection room sawing off the forehead of a corpse, that I'm wrong!!!!!! -.-

BAH!!! I FELT SO CHEATED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jon told me last night that he asked his good buddy, Weiwen, what colour brain juice is, and guess what?! Weiwen said it's green! Hahha..and this morning, Jon's hallmate, Jacqueline, said it's green too!

Woohoo......so it looks like it's not just silly Michelle who thinks that brain juice is green..hehe..

hey ppl, mind telling me what colour did you think brain juice is? i'm really very curious to find out if my fantasy is weird... You can leave a comment in the chatbox. :)

(P.S.: Even though I know I'm proven wrong about brain juice colour..I am still very convinced by my own fantasy that it's GREEN. Yes, it's Green. Michelle said so. By the way, I tried to look up 'Brain Juice' in the search engines..and nothing related came up..so I'm wondering now if there's such a thing called brain juice...maybe liquefied brain is a better term? Oh well, I still think brain juice sounds cool...hehehe...)