Why am I like that?
Sorry people, I deleted the last entry cos of certain reasons.
By the way, it's been snowing for the past few days here in Nottingham. The ground is covered with snow now. It's really beautiful. Jon woke me up from sleep to get me to look out of the window. Yes, it made me smile for a second. It's a really romantic sight, but surprisingly, I had no interest to go out. Usually, I will just rush out of the room in my tee and shorts and have a great time hopping around in the snow, but not today. I didn't want to play in the snow and get all excited about it alone. Last winter, Cardiff was covered in thick snow too. I was hence given leave by my hospital consultants to go out and play, instead of staying in the hospital to see patients. Being so excited, I just took a train back to Cardiff, and got all geared up to go out to take tons of photos with my friends. But when I got home, I realised I was the only one being excited. I asked my housemates to go out and play with me, but nobody wanted. Hence, that day, I spent it alone until I bumped into 2 Singaporeans in the park while I was trying to take photos of the surroundings and finding people to do me a favour by taking pictures for me.
I must admit it felt pathetic. Being independent and able to survive alone, I do have my own fair share of lonely times too. That was one example. This was exactly how I felt about it over the past few days when it snowed. I was enjoying it myself, even though at times, I had someone around me. I stretched out my hands to let snow fall on them, smiling when I find my coat covered with snow, but I know I am alone. Yes, alone again this year. No one's to be blamed. It's nobody's fault that they don't enjoy it as much as I do. However, I wish someone would just feel my joy..would just see how happy I am seeing it...would just make the effort to play snow with me... It's only a simple request...a simple wish..but yet.... Enuff said.
Last night..nope..this morning at an unearthly hour of 4am, Jon and I had a talk. I am glad we had a peaceful talk, and I really hope he will put some thought to what I told him.
Honestly speaking, I am happy on one hand that I am able to tell him what I think about him and I explained and explained and explained, giving many examples to make him see what I mean. For once, I felt useful. For once, there was something I can do for him, without having it backfired.
Yet on the other hand, I have no idea why I am doing all this because it's not doing me any good. In fact, I am probably throwing myself at the concrete wall for being truthful. I made him see why his ex never did certain things for him, how his friends might feel towards him without stating things out, how the way he is is affecting me everyday.
He knows for a fact that I feel strongly towards him, but I guess he just didn't realise that his insensitivity is bringing me down (does he care about it? i really dunno). As I was telling him all that last night, I actually had the intention to letting him see how I...yes..I feel when he does certain things unknowingly which hurts me. I wanted him to know how helpless I am throughout my stay here, apart from doing his bed for him every morning. But I ended up bringing his ex into the picture. It felt as if I was gonna seal up the gap between them and by doing this, I might be causing risk to myself cos...what if...what if they got back together? And if ever does happen, I was the one who made it so..when I know that his ex is somewhat a threat to me (but I don't wish to let this 'threat' title screw up my judgement towards her). If I knew I was running the chances of hurting myself, why the hell am I doing it??!?!?!? Am I just insane or what?
We had a very serious discussion a few days ago, and we have already agreed (though I was unwilling) to keep our rship on hold cos he thinks it's moving too quickly. I didn't let want to publish it initially cos I felt very embarrassed about it. Seriously, I feel like burying my head into the ground each time I think about it. Yet, if I love him, can I say I don't respect his decision despite feeling hurt myself? Does he even know that I'm hurt about it, rather than seeing my tears as a sign of pressure? I doubt it, cos like what I told him yesterday, he's......... nvm.
BECAUSE..BECAUSE he's just a friend now, there are things which I cannot do for him. I felt useless seeing that others can do stuffs for him, while I can't. I feel crippled, even as a friend. Knowing that he couldnt get up in time for bfast, I slotted into his file 2 Kit Kats so that if he's hungry, he can eat them in lectures. Why did I do that? Friends don't slot Kit Kats into your file secretly while you're in the shower no? And the worse thing is, I didn't even know that this chocolate fan doesn't eat chocolates in the morning. Yup, it felt like one gun shot into my temple...simply cos I didn't know.
Then it came to the alarm clock. I wanted to set mine so that I could get up and wake him up just in case he dozes off. Also, it will enable me to get up and get changed to attend lectures with him. But even this simple thing, I couldnt do it at all. To him, it seemed like I'm challenging his competency. I didn't even had that intention. I felt very misunderstood, and it does not feel good at all. I felt very unappreciated, and just dumped my hp into the bag and went to snuggle into my bed. The thing that went through my head was, "Fine lah! SUA! Do it yourself...I had enough..", and I didn't bother to get out of bed to go to school with him. He's just a friend no? YES, he's JUST a friend...why should I go do all that for A FRIEND then? Despite knowing this, why am I still doing it then? WHY?! Why can't I just be more bo chup?
Does my experience this time sound familiar? I thought only I think so...but apparently not...
And the way he sees a rship...is like a country governed by the government. It's complex to understand, I know. But I do understand it perfectly. He doesn't know that a rship doesn't work that way. I don't blame him, and I'm trying to make him see my point. Yet, as I'm doing it, wanting him to realise that I'm saying this cos it's beneficial for me, I am aware that once he understands this, another girl will be in his arms, enjoying the fruits of my "labour". I will be damn pissed if that happens, but I love him....I can't bear to see him staying this way with the wrong mentality for dunno how long. Another reason is because it's torturing me. I'm not that noble lah...I admit that I do consider if I benefit from things I do, but it's not the main reason to why I am doing all that for him.
Anyway, despite telling him tons of things at 4am, I dont even know if he will bother to think over. Maybe he will just throw it aside. Maybe he will think of other things which concerns his rship with his friends and not me (even though I'm a friend now). That's how unwanted I feel. If that really happens....then I really dunno how long I can last being like that...
I don't wish to be hurt again. Why can't he understand that ' gan qing yi dan fu chu le, jiu zai ye shou bu hui '?
He told me he doesnt want me to hurt him, and asked if I would. I told him if I ever did, it wasn't intentional, and if I knew it hurts, I would choose never to do it. On Saturday, I told him while watching a movie that I hope he won't hurt me. It was a hint. Does he know? I bet he doesn't. I hinted because I was already hurt...I saw it coming, and I was just hoping he can help me by putting a stop to it, but seems to me he didn't get it cos he happily continued watching the movie while I sat there wondering if he got it. Why hurt? Cos I was the one who held his hand, I was the one who hugged him. Hello? I'm a girl!!!!!! I'm not saying girls should not take the initiative, but why are the first times all initiated by me? Now that I know he sees everything as a challenge to his compentency, are those first moves an act of challenging his competency too? NO, BECAUSE I know if I don't hold his hand, if I don't hug him, he will NOT do it. Don't ask me why. I just had a gut feeling and I am so "proud" to know my gut feeling is right.
I also know something which he doesn't. If he ever reads this entry, he will know. I saw this blog address while I was surfing around. Out of curiosity, I went in to see since I love reading blogs. I had no idea who was the author. I read the entries. I had a feeling I knew who was the author, but I know I should not ask him cos what right have I got? I kept it in me. I remember something very clearly...one entry had something like this.."I wish my bf was more sensitive..". Then as I was talking to Jon about him not being sensitive, he said his ex said the same thing to him. At that instant, I had a stronger reason to believe who that blog author was. I didnt say anything at all. I have no right to stop him from reading her blog (which hasnt been updated since dunno when in 2004), because I'm only a friend. I don't have a reason to be jealous, yet I am. I am not a girl who gets jealous easily, but I felt a tinge of jealousy then. At that time, if I was spot on about the blog, then..looks like...it's not just me who looked back at my past rship. I already realised my mistake, admitted my mistake, promise to not do it again, and have made up my mind to put my entire heart and soul into this new rship...why did I find out that it's not just me who made this mistake? If I was right about my guess, I will not blame him. What he smsed me the last time when I admitted my fault will be the exact thing I will sms him cos I can fully understand why. But I'll be lying if I say I don't feel anything.
Am I reasonable enuff? Am I doing/feeling what any Man on a train would do/feel?
If he ever reads this entry, I hope he will not see it as a means to add pressure on him. I had no intention of doing so. It's just how I really feel deep down inside.
And I hope he knows that if I ever limit the things I do...or seem to be more bo chup....it's not because I am bo chup..but because I am giving him his space to breathe..to ponder about what he's done...to grow. I am doing this because I am serious when I said "I love you" to him....
By the way, it's been snowing for the past few days here in Nottingham. The ground is covered with snow now. It's really beautiful. Jon woke me up from sleep to get me to look out of the window. Yes, it made me smile for a second. It's a really romantic sight, but surprisingly, I had no interest to go out. Usually, I will just rush out of the room in my tee and shorts and have a great time hopping around in the snow, but not today. I didn't want to play in the snow and get all excited about it alone. Last winter, Cardiff was covered in thick snow too. I was hence given leave by my hospital consultants to go out and play, instead of staying in the hospital to see patients. Being so excited, I just took a train back to Cardiff, and got all geared up to go out to take tons of photos with my friends. But when I got home, I realised I was the only one being excited. I asked my housemates to go out and play with me, but nobody wanted. Hence, that day, I spent it alone until I bumped into 2 Singaporeans in the park while I was trying to take photos of the surroundings and finding people to do me a favour by taking pictures for me.
I must admit it felt pathetic. Being independent and able to survive alone, I do have my own fair share of lonely times too. That was one example. This was exactly how I felt about it over the past few days when it snowed. I was enjoying it myself, even though at times, I had someone around me. I stretched out my hands to let snow fall on them, smiling when I find my coat covered with snow, but I know I am alone. Yes, alone again this year. No one's to be blamed. It's nobody's fault that they don't enjoy it as much as I do. However, I wish someone would just feel my joy..would just see how happy I am seeing it...would just make the effort to play snow with me... It's only a simple request...a simple wish..but yet.... Enuff said.
Last night..nope..this morning at an unearthly hour of 4am, Jon and I had a talk. I am glad we had a peaceful talk, and I really hope he will put some thought to what I told him.
Honestly speaking, I am happy on one hand that I am able to tell him what I think about him and I explained and explained and explained, giving many examples to make him see what I mean. For once, I felt useful. For once, there was something I can do for him, without having it backfired.
Yet on the other hand, I have no idea why I am doing all this because it's not doing me any good. In fact, I am probably throwing myself at the concrete wall for being truthful. I made him see why his ex never did certain things for him, how his friends might feel towards him without stating things out, how the way he is is affecting me everyday.
He knows for a fact that I feel strongly towards him, but I guess he just didn't realise that his insensitivity is bringing me down (does he care about it? i really dunno). As I was telling him all that last night, I actually had the intention to letting him see how I...yes..I feel when he does certain things unknowingly which hurts me. I wanted him to know how helpless I am throughout my stay here, apart from doing his bed for him every morning. But I ended up bringing his ex into the picture. It felt as if I was gonna seal up the gap between them and by doing this, I might be causing risk to myself cos...what if...what if they got back together? And if ever does happen, I was the one who made it so..when I know that his ex is somewhat a threat to me (but I don't wish to let this 'threat' title screw up my judgement towards her). If I knew I was running the chances of hurting myself, why the hell am I doing it??!?!?!? Am I just insane or what?
We had a very serious discussion a few days ago, and we have already agreed (though I was unwilling) to keep our rship on hold cos he thinks it's moving too quickly. I didn't let want to publish it initially cos I felt very embarrassed about it. Seriously, I feel like burying my head into the ground each time I think about it. Yet, if I love him, can I say I don't respect his decision despite feeling hurt myself? Does he even know that I'm hurt about it, rather than seeing my tears as a sign of pressure? I doubt it, cos like what I told him yesterday, he's......... nvm.
BECAUSE..BECAUSE he's just a friend now, there are things which I cannot do for him. I felt useless seeing that others can do stuffs for him, while I can't. I feel crippled, even as a friend. Knowing that he couldnt get up in time for bfast, I slotted into his file 2 Kit Kats so that if he's hungry, he can eat them in lectures. Why did I do that? Friends don't slot Kit Kats into your file secretly while you're in the shower no? And the worse thing is, I didn't even know that this chocolate fan doesn't eat chocolates in the morning. Yup, it felt like one gun shot into my temple...simply cos I didn't know.
Then it came to the alarm clock. I wanted to set mine so that I could get up and wake him up just in case he dozes off. Also, it will enable me to get up and get changed to attend lectures with him. But even this simple thing, I couldnt do it at all. To him, it seemed like I'm challenging his competency. I didn't even had that intention. I felt very misunderstood, and it does not feel good at all. I felt very unappreciated, and just dumped my hp into the bag and went to snuggle into my bed. The thing that went through my head was, "Fine lah! SUA! Do it yourself...I had enough..", and I didn't bother to get out of bed to go to school with him. He's just a friend no? YES, he's JUST a friend...why should I go do all that for A FRIEND then? Despite knowing this, why am I still doing it then? WHY?! Why can't I just be more bo chup?
Does my experience this time sound familiar? I thought only I think so...but apparently not...
And the way he sees a rship...is like a country governed by the government. It's complex to understand, I know. But I do understand it perfectly. He doesn't know that a rship doesn't work that way. I don't blame him, and I'm trying to make him see my point. Yet, as I'm doing it, wanting him to realise that I'm saying this cos it's beneficial for me, I am aware that once he understands this, another girl will be in his arms, enjoying the fruits of my "labour". I will be damn pissed if that happens, but I love him....I can't bear to see him staying this way with the wrong mentality for dunno how long. Another reason is because it's torturing me. I'm not that noble lah...I admit that I do consider if I benefit from things I do, but it's not the main reason to why I am doing all that for him.
Anyway, despite telling him tons of things at 4am, I dont even know if he will bother to think over. Maybe he will just throw it aside. Maybe he will think of other things which concerns his rship with his friends and not me (even though I'm a friend now). That's how unwanted I feel. If that really happens....then I really dunno how long I can last being like that...
I don't wish to be hurt again. Why can't he understand that ' gan qing yi dan fu chu le, jiu zai ye shou bu hui '?
He told me he doesnt want me to hurt him, and asked if I would. I told him if I ever did, it wasn't intentional, and if I knew it hurts, I would choose never to do it. On Saturday, I told him while watching a movie that I hope he won't hurt me. It was a hint. Does he know? I bet he doesn't. I hinted because I was already hurt...I saw it coming, and I was just hoping he can help me by putting a stop to it, but seems to me he didn't get it cos he happily continued watching the movie while I sat there wondering if he got it. Why hurt? Cos I was the one who held his hand, I was the one who hugged him. Hello? I'm a girl!!!!!! I'm not saying girls should not take the initiative, but why are the first times all initiated by me? Now that I know he sees everything as a challenge to his compentency, are those first moves an act of challenging his competency too? NO, BECAUSE I know if I don't hold his hand, if I don't hug him, he will NOT do it. Don't ask me why. I just had a gut feeling and I am so "proud" to know my gut feeling is right.
I also know something which he doesn't. If he ever reads this entry, he will know. I saw this blog address while I was surfing around. Out of curiosity, I went in to see since I love reading blogs. I had no idea who was the author. I read the entries. I had a feeling I knew who was the author, but I know I should not ask him cos what right have I got? I kept it in me. I remember something very clearly...one entry had something like this.."I wish my bf was more sensitive..". Then as I was talking to Jon about him not being sensitive, he said his ex said the same thing to him. At that instant, I had a stronger reason to believe who that blog author was. I didnt say anything at all. I have no right to stop him from reading her blog (which hasnt been updated since dunno when in 2004), because I'm only a friend. I don't have a reason to be jealous, yet I am. I am not a girl who gets jealous easily, but I felt a tinge of jealousy then. At that time, if I was spot on about the blog, then..looks like...it's not just me who looked back at my past rship. I already realised my mistake, admitted my mistake, promise to not do it again, and have made up my mind to put my entire heart and soul into this new rship...why did I find out that it's not just me who made this mistake? If I was right about my guess, I will not blame him. What he smsed me the last time when I admitted my fault will be the exact thing I will sms him cos I can fully understand why. But I'll be lying if I say I don't feel anything.
Am I reasonable enuff? Am I doing/feeling what any Man on a train would do/feel?
If he ever reads this entry, I hope he will not see it as a means to add pressure on him. I had no intention of doing so. It's just how I really feel deep down inside.
And I hope he knows that if I ever limit the things I do...or seem to be more bo chup....it's not because I am bo chup..but because I am giving him his space to breathe..to ponder about what he's done...to grow. I am doing this because I am serious when I said "I love you" to him....
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home