I'm heading back home tmr, and I should be super excited at the moment, but I'm not. I don't know why. I feel terribly sianz actually.

I had a nightmare again..this time at HSBC. It's amazing that the banking staff doesn't even know how Internet Banking works. I don't give shit about whether they can surf the internet or not, or do a powerpoint presentation, but I think it's absolutely ridiculous that the staff doesn't even know perfectly well how to solve an internet banking problem I encountered. And again, I was "pushed" to the phone to make a telephone enquiry, which after quite some time, resolved my problem. I think the staff over the phone is so much better, and whenever the counter staff can't solve any problem, they make me do phone calls. Frankly, with such a system going on, I don't even see a need for a branch with walking human staff. Might as well have a branch with numerous phone calls, so we can get problems solved quickly, and save their staff walking. *rolls eyes*

I was in a shopping mood today, because it's my last chance of buying stuffs to bring back to Sg. But I was so turned off by his sianz face that I just decided to go home. I really really wanted to buy make up, and was very excited abt it. I wanted the SA to put some colours on me, and would be hoping he'll give me some comments or tell the SA what he thinks. I thought he would be excited like me. However, perhaps I was expecting too much.

He told me he's tired, and the ventilation is bad in the stores. To be honest, I was pissed because he's always displeased whenever we go to big departmental stores (except those which sells branded stuff) and would come up with reasons like he can't breathe, or it's too warm etc etc. I remember getting quite frustrated abt this as I can't help thinking that it's just plain excuses. I used to think it's his low sugar problem playing up, but because it happens so frequently and in the same type of environment, I started thinking it's all psychological.

It happened today when I was at M.A.C. I wanted so badly for him to be ard, because the "excuses" came up again, I told him to go out and take a seat, while I'll just let the SA try their products on me. And after she did it (her service was quite bad), I didn't even bother to take a good look and just left. I wanted eyeshadows, yet I was so sianz abt it all that I didn't even look.

I tried to ignore how he felt because I think I should no longer make myself restricted. I had enough of that, since I always have to give in and leave whenever he doesn't like a certain place, certain things, or don't feel well. So I heck care and went to Clinique. Bought foundation.

I was hoping to carry on shopping to see if I can get myself a nice pair of shoes, and because he claims he's tired, I decided to go home. I wasn't the least pleased at all. It's not as if we've been shopping the entire morning. We were only shopping for less than 2 hours!!!!!

I was really disappointed. I thought he would at least be excited to see me try on clothes, put make up on, wear accessories. These are things I RARELY do here. Kelvin used to be terribly excited when I first went for a makeover, and he would so frequently pop into the make up area to see how the make up artist is progressing. Some guys I went out with were excited whenever I spot clothes which I like, and ask me to try it on for them to see. But my boy...forget it. I always feel like I'm the only one being excited.

Perhaps because I was feeling so sianz abt the entire day that my "Ai Xin Sandwich" didn't turn out perfect either. I forgot that bacon is salty, and added a little too much salt, so the filling was rather salty. I had no idea why the bread was so chewy too, and my boy had a hard time eating it. The fillings were dropping everywhere as well, and I don't think he realised that he did look quite pek chek while eating it.

With my mood feeling pretty off, it was only natural that I lost my appetite completely and threw the remaining fillings ALL away. It is a waste, but I rather have them in the bin than to have him eating it tmr, and finding it troublesome. I won't make this sandwich again.

Pretty glad that I won't have to cook when I'm back in Sg, but the thought abt having to hear my mum nagging endlessly again (she's bound to nag abt my visa extension this time..let's wait and see), makes me wish I don't have to go home.

Anyway, just a thought...I guess I really really need to insist on doing things myself and stop allowing myself to feel restricted by anyone. Although I have forgiven him for hollering at me that day, I cannot forget how unreasonable he was.

Visited my sub-dean whom I'm grateful for helping me go through a rough patch I had in medical school. He's retiring soon and it might well be my last time seeing him. He has lots to talk about whenever I visit him, and my visit that day took me 50 mins! It was a hot day, and because the uni library has refused to let my boy use my library card to borrow books, he called me on the hp. It's very rude to pick up calls while talking to my sub-dean, and I had no idea my boy faced a problem in the library since I just rejected the calls. I thought my boy would be waiting for me at the reception area, reading his borrowed book, so I never thought of being too quick. But when I went to meet him after the visit, he started shouting at me for taking so long and that he has stood under the sun for 50 mins.

I know it sounds stupid for someone to stand under the sun for 50 mins, rather than go to a shaded despite warm place to sit (the reception area right in front of him), and I did think he's stupid (and felt pissed as a result). Just didn't wanna tell him off that he's stupid.

Me: Why can't u go to the reception area and sit?
CG: It's very warm!
Me: Then that's your problem isn't it? U chose to stand under the sun!! It's not as if I forced u to!
CG: Does your visit have to take so long?!?!?!?!?

He continued arguing with me, and just totally blamed me for taking such a long time etc etc. I hated it, because I know his arguments are just for the sake of it, and he's just trying to keep arguing to vent his frustrations on me. Argh!

Hope my mood will improve soon.

Having inefficient people really pisses me off. It's a nightmare and a pain whenever I have to go to the Registry to get things done, even when it's a simple letter.

Can you believe that getting one letter for my visa extension took me more than 1 hour?! That's totally absurd and insane. And the funniest thing is..they can even tell me that there could be a mistake in how much my tuition fees cost when I have already enrolled. Goodness..call themselves a University..sheesh...plus the staff was so rude too (and I was pretty rude in return... :X)

Was shattered by the time I went home because I haven't been sleeping well at all for the past few nights, and always awoken by the noisy trains. Can't help it though since I can't shut my window as I'll find myself waking up in a pool of sweat. May winter arrive soon. I rather have it cold than hot..eeks.

Then again, I should feel blessed that it isn't the hottest today. And CG and I went to Swansea after I got my frustrating business done at the Uni.

Went to the beach since he loves the sea, and I think I do deserve credit for bringing him there..lol...because I hate going to beaches. I dread the sun, and the sand most of all. Dread it getting into my shoes. I definitely wasn't dressed for the beach, being in jeans. I didn't like walking on the wet sand as well, but..nvm lah.

Had dinner at TGI Friday's!!!! WEEEEEEEEEeeeee!!!!!! I've been dying to go there, but it's too far from where we live, so I haven't got a chance to go there in a billion years. Am glad I spotted that restaurant in Swansea. The food was pretty reasonable since they had some Scorcher's promotion. The waitress that served us was really friendly..or rather..over friendly till my boy was getting a bit worried...hahahaaha.

Count down to home soon. Can't wait, yet a bit sianz also. Wonder what Mum's gonna nag abt this time when she asks for my documents for visa extension. The moment I think abt her nags...I get so turned off. Sigh. SIANZ...

But hey...again..I get to feast...muahgahaha....after such a LOOOOOOooonnngggg wait. Xiao Long Baos...hehehehee...yum yum...

I'm so bored now. Wanna watch drama on Mobtv, but the farking accomodation came up with some new internet policy which is absolutely rubbish. Commercial cheaters manz..those morons. Blocked my licence after I have downloaded them. Freaking pissed abt it since I so happily paid for another month of Mobtv, only to face this problem now. Grrrr....

I cried after talking to Mum on the phone and was complaining my ass out to my boy while I was blow drying my frizzy hair because I'm sick of being fugly and unfashionable, hence, hearing all about how chio my cousin is, how she makes heads turn and how fashionable she is.

I HATE IT! HATE IT! HATE IT!!!!!

I started feeling pissed about how hard I'm scrimping by not buying things for myself here, unless they are totally dirt cheap..like a 1 pound earring from Principles. I have more than enough pocket money to buy myself nice clothes, but each time I think about parting with the money on things which I don't THAT desperately need (even though my clothes are almost fit for the bin by now), I just put it back and console myself that I'll make do with the old clothes I've got.

And I've even gone to the extent of wearing my brother's old clothes just so that it won't end up in the bin and to think, I even felt happy about having those to wear.

I feel really sad that girls my age have the privilege to spend on clothes and other accessories they like, but all I'm doing is admire by the display window and walk away or envy the girls trying them on and purchasing stuffs.

My parents doesn't know how shit I feel each time I walk out of Harrods, each time I walk out from even ordinary stores like Zara.

She was telling me all about the lovely pointed-ended shoes my cousin wore that day, and how good she looked even in a simple tee and tight jeans. She can afford to splurge on numerous pairs of shoes and be fashionable by interchanging whatever she has got, but how about me? I've only got ONE pair of strappy heels which I have worn for about 3 years. And if I do turn up in other pairs of shoes, they all belong to my mum.

I felt shit about everything I've got. I looked at the corner of my room and all I see is my pair of high boots which are so worn out that the heels has almost worn off completely, a pair of sports shoes and a pair of walking shoes. Even though I badly needed a pair of nice leather shoes to wear to hospital, I didn't even buy any simply because I didn't want to spend that money and suffered by wearing my freaking warm boots to the hospital everyday. My feet felt like as if it was in a sauna..no kidding.

Clothes...most of my winter clothes belong to mum. There are only 2 turtle necks that belong to me, and I bought them 6 years ago here in UK because they were on sale. I bought coats when they were dirt cheap too. The only real proper coat I bought when it's not on sale is the white winter coat which I love and another short grey one.

People around me all have their own winter clothes, except me. I want to dress prettily during winter too, but no matter how I try, I never look good because my clothes are all over-sized. I don't think I've mentioned this before, but most of my winter clothes actually belong to my dad..so u can roughly guess how baggy it is when I wear it.

I don't think I am asking very much just to look proper enough before I see CG's parents in China, and I was amazed that my mum told me she'll bring me to buy some nice clothes and get my hair done properly before I go to China. I thought for once, my mum is showing me some concern about my appearance, and I was so excited I told CG about it.

But I guess I am wrong. As each week passed, I realise my mum is slowly changing her mind. She started mentioning cheaper salons as time passes. I'm not grumbling that cheap salons can't do a good job, and with cheapo me, it's obvious I'll go for a cheaper one as long as it's not that bad, but it hurts to know all these while, my mum isn't THAT serious about changing how I look. And about my clothes, she said weeks ago that it's high time I do something about wearing something new. The clothes I have got..mostly were bought and worn since secondary school, and sometimes, I even feel shy about wearing them out, but didn't want to grumble that much. I thought, finally, I'll have something nice to wear to go out with my bf, but this afternoon, Mum said "Actually I think u can still wear the clothes in the wardrobe. It's just whether u want it or not." I was hurt.

Why can't my parents understand that I'm wanting to be like any other girl, who can dress prettily? Girls got to put make up when they were in secondary school, but I only got to secretly purchase a bottle of foundation after I graduated from JC and only got to put proper make up on when I was 19. And even now at 24, my make up expires when I have only used it for a few times, simply because Mum doesn't like me putting make up, claiming that it will ruin my skin.

I'm not blessed with flawless skin too. I have pimples, and with the immense stress from med sch I get, it's no surprise about how worn out I look and I cannot hide my dark rings away. I really do like a maid, especially if I were to wear home clothes in my flat here in UK.

I do feel shy going out with my bf, even to the supermarket, because I am always not dressed properly. There were even times I didn't dare hold his hands, worrying that other Chinese on the streets will know I'm his gf. I'm sure he has gotten used to the fact that I am not fashionable because he doesn't comment about it much anymore, and he said he's not shy about having me as gf. It does touch me, but I know he would much prefer it if I do doll myself up..afterall..he's a guy no?

Thinking back, it amuses me to how happy I felt about buying myself that pair of high boots and smiling at myself in the mirror when I wore it, and how happy I feel about modelling in the changing room when I find something nice in the shops which I hope to own, but didn't end up buying, and only wanted to wear it for a minute or two to show my bf.

I can't afford to buy a LV product too. I have many friends around me who can buy a bag or two from LV, but I can't...not even a wallet. And the first time I bought a LV was a small card holder for CG because I know he loves it. I actually wanted to buy myself a nice branded wallet to reward myself for passing my exams, but because I can't afford, I decided to give my own present up for his bday present and be contented with an old wallet I bought in JC. I guess he knew how much I wanted a wallet, so he bought me a pretty one when we went window shopping. It wasn't expensive, so I accepted it. I know he's been surfing LV websites after that day when I gave up my own present for his, and I was guessing he might be thinking of buying the wallet I was eyeing for for me. I didn't want him to splurge the few hundred pounds on me, so I thought the cheap wallet will be a good substitute. It doesn't look as cheap as the price anyway...and I love it just as much. I should be contented.

I have no idea why CG wants to buy me things. I have never thought of having my own bf spending lots of money on me, buying me expensive gifts. But he does buy me costly presents. I'm really happy upon receiving them, yet I feel pathetic about myself.

He pulled me into a Swarovski boutique when we walked passed it a few days ago, and just bought me a brooch instantly just because I said it is nice. I was shocked and touched, but wanted to return it because I don't wear brooches often. He insisted that I keep it as a momento since it was the annual edition of 2005..the year we got together, so there it is now, sitting on my desk. The brooch isn't THAT expensive since it was on sale, but I felt shit abt myself because I would be contemplating endlessly abt whether I should purchase it even though I like it, and my bf could just give it to me in a snap. It's perfectly normal for a bf to buy a present for his gf, but I can't imagine that I had to end up having my bf to buy me such things when it's not even that pricey.

I am hoping to buy a small laptop since my current laptop is a bit unstable and it overheats easily as one of the fans is spoilt. I will have to get it repaired when I go back to Sg. But again, I don't dare to ask for it, while I just envy my brother for having 3 computers.

Sigh. I know this post is a bit all-over-the-place. I'm just venting my frustrations.

I just want to be rich in future. Call me money face. I don't give a damn because I do tooo many things with money. Who said money can't buy happiness? Ok, maybe not all types of happiness, but with money, I can at least make myself happy by making all my wishes come true, and put an end to the miserable feeling I get. What's a LV wallet if I have the $? What's so difficult about being fashionable if I have the $?!

This is so frustrating. I wish I can throw this whole entry right into your face to show u how fucking pissed off I am.

Been asking myself time and time again how am I going to live with you in the same place, in the same room in future when we have so much differences in our habits, and whenever I start making noise abt the bad habits you have which I absolutely hate and cannot tolerate, I know it's not going to be of any use.

Perhaps you didn't know, that THAT is the reason why I am totally against living in a studio with you. It isn't so much abt the rental, isn't soooo much abt my parent's objection, but more of the fact that I will DEFINITELY move out sooner or later with the things I cannot stand.

You probably think I'm the fussiest girl u have ever known, and the most troublesome one around, but I rather show u what I'm really am like, then to keep you happy by agreeing with every bad habit of yours and curse you like crazy behind.

To you, you might think it's a small matter, and there is no need to be so worked up over it, but should I intend to get a divorce in future because of these things, it's when u'll feel that it's too late to get rid of the causes. Ok, maybe I shouldn't think that far...I should say my decision to wanna get married to you (if u ever intend to marry me).

I CANNOT MARRY A GUY WHOM I CANNOT LIVE WITH, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES TO THE BATHROOM!

Don't give me the fucking crap that by wetting the floor, it will keep the bathroom cool. I'm not smart, but neither am I THAT stupid to buy such a senseless excuse.

And I had enough of you not even trying very hard to cheer me up whenever I am mad at you. It makes me wonder how much I mean to you. Don't tell me you love me, and how much you care, because I want to feel it for myself apart from hearing it from you. You don't actually realise how much u have changed in the way u try to cheer me up now. I can leave the flat and wander around in the streets aimlessly without even thinking u will come and look for me....do you know how disappointed abt these things I already am to even have such a thought? And when I'm still pissed off, u can still talk to me in an irritated tone and go ahead and sleep till the next morning. Go ask yourself if that is what a boyfriend should do, even if he's sleepy. Is this how u care for me?

Time isn't what I need to make me feel better about us. It only brings me more disappointment each time I cannot solve a problem with u, shatter my hopes of you being my boyfriend and make me think again if u're the one I want to live my life with. Only having problems resolved makes me happy. That is what I really want. Not presents, not coaxing!!!!!!

I am so hurt and disappointed, but nothing makes me feel worse to know that even if I were to pour my entire heart and soul out, nothing is going to change because at the end of the day, I'll still be seen as being troublesome, someone who throws tantrums for no apparent reason (when in the first place, if I tell u the reason, I'm ignored) and unreasonable.

It tires me out a lot trying so hard to solve differences between us so that I can feel confident enough to live the rest of my life with you. Please don't make me feel that my efforts are all going to waste, and that THIS is the main reason to why we're impossible. I don't want and don't wish to end this whole rship...and you know it...so don't push me towards that direction.

I can't get the thought of it out of my head and I blame myself for it. It all happened while watching a TV drama.

Although I think it's still better to say "Will u be my gf?" and get a "Yes" as an answer to confirm that the girl is your gf (I like things sparking clear!), a lot of couples don't. Instead, they drop signs like kissing the person. And if that person calls him/her out again on a date, then Bingo! They know they're together already.

I was watching this police drama with CG this evening, and I was commenting on how shocking it would be for the policeman to find out that his gf is the person who plans to murder him and ended up murdering his friend instead.

CG: Since when was she his gf?
Me: Isn't it obvious that they're together already?
CG: When?
Me: She kissed him in the car remember?! And he still happily met her during lunch time another day and got really happy when she said she'll cook lunch for him.
CG: Oh yah...then that's kinda counted..
Me: Hannor...!!!!

AND that instant, I remembered something and suddenly, I felt a deep sense of jealousy.

I remembered him telling me this girl he knew since pri sch kissing him and that was how he lost his first kiss. He doesn't like her, but I'm sure they still went out together (as friends) after that. If this is like the policeman's case, then doesn't that make her his first gf?

The moment I thought of that, I got really jealous.

I know to my boy, I'm his first gf, but I just hate knowing that there is this girl whom he doesn't like who kissed him by surprise..and the shitty thing is..it's ON HIS LIPS! ARGH!

I know I don't sound like the usual me, but seriously speaking, I don't understand why I am feeling so jealous over something that is as good as nothing. I dread the thought of girls having ideas on my boy or be daring enough to touch him.

Gosh, I can't believe that this is ME saying all that. I sound like some possessive (or am I already one?!) freak.

My muscles are aching badly after moving flat. I didn't know I had that much stuff with me! Then again, it's been 5 years...it's only natural that rubbish starts accumulating. And the worst thing is..I can't bear to throw things away..

Love my flat since there's no building that blocks my view and it's nice to have breeze coming in from the bay. My boy's living with me too, so it's less of a hassle having to run up and down just to spend some time together. But living together will mean more chances of conflicts and we'll see more of each other's differences. I don't know if it's a good thing living together, but hopefully, it'll help us learn to get used to living with each other and accomodating each other's differences.

It's graduation day for the medics today, and I have friends who will be receiving their medical degrees during this joyous event.

I am partially envious of them, because if I hadn't taken the yr out, I would be joining them this year, but then again, I really needed the gap yr.

Again, I start questioning myself if I'll make it there.

I should be pleased that I'm finally in my final year, and it wont be long before I get to break loose, and that means, closer to being home for good. But I don't know why I'm not happy abt it anymore. In fact, I'm starting to feel a bit of the pressure now that there are still soooo many things I don't know, and I still doubt my own standard compared to my peers.

It is frustrating being in medicine, because no matter how hard I try, I can NEVER get the grade I want. It's difficult to do well in my bloody course, and it's made worse when everyone knows the exam questions even before the exams. Hence, everyone already has the answers, and everyone looks brilliant when they might not be! Plus, I haven't even seen any international student get excellent grades in my course yet. Even the scholars get a meagre pass. Somehow, things looks odd and dodgy, but it's pointless to speculate endlessly if there's some racism behind this whole issue. Besides, if there really is, what can we do abt it?

But definitely, for sure, I WILL leave this country as soon as I get the chance to. It's a pain staying in this shit hole, shit in practically every way.