I cried after talking to Mum on the phone and was complaining my ass out to my boy while I was blow drying my frizzy hair because I'm sick of being fugly and unfashionable, hence, hearing all about how chio my cousin is, how she makes heads turn and how fashionable she is.

I HATE IT! HATE IT! HATE IT!!!!!

I started feeling pissed about how hard I'm scrimping by not buying things for myself here, unless they are totally dirt cheap..like a 1 pound earring from Principles. I have more than enough pocket money to buy myself nice clothes, but each time I think about parting with the money on things which I don't THAT desperately need (even though my clothes are almost fit for the bin by now), I just put it back and console myself that I'll make do with the old clothes I've got.

And I've even gone to the extent of wearing my brother's old clothes just so that it won't end up in the bin and to think, I even felt happy about having those to wear.

I feel really sad that girls my age have the privilege to spend on clothes and other accessories they like, but all I'm doing is admire by the display window and walk away or envy the girls trying them on and purchasing stuffs.

My parents doesn't know how shit I feel each time I walk out of Harrods, each time I walk out from even ordinary stores like Zara.

She was telling me all about the lovely pointed-ended shoes my cousin wore that day, and how good she looked even in a simple tee and tight jeans. She can afford to splurge on numerous pairs of shoes and be fashionable by interchanging whatever she has got, but how about me? I've only got ONE pair of strappy heels which I have worn for about 3 years. And if I do turn up in other pairs of shoes, they all belong to my mum.

I felt shit about everything I've got. I looked at the corner of my room and all I see is my pair of high boots which are so worn out that the heels has almost worn off completely, a pair of sports shoes and a pair of walking shoes. Even though I badly needed a pair of nice leather shoes to wear to hospital, I didn't even buy any simply because I didn't want to spend that money and suffered by wearing my freaking warm boots to the hospital everyday. My feet felt like as if it was in a sauna..no kidding.

Clothes...most of my winter clothes belong to mum. There are only 2 turtle necks that belong to me, and I bought them 6 years ago here in UK because they were on sale. I bought coats when they were dirt cheap too. The only real proper coat I bought when it's not on sale is the white winter coat which I love and another short grey one.

People around me all have their own winter clothes, except me. I want to dress prettily during winter too, but no matter how I try, I never look good because my clothes are all over-sized. I don't think I've mentioned this before, but most of my winter clothes actually belong to my dad..so u can roughly guess how baggy it is when I wear it.

I don't think I am asking very much just to look proper enough before I see CG's parents in China, and I was amazed that my mum told me she'll bring me to buy some nice clothes and get my hair done properly before I go to China. I thought for once, my mum is showing me some concern about my appearance, and I was so excited I told CG about it.

But I guess I am wrong. As each week passed, I realise my mum is slowly changing her mind. She started mentioning cheaper salons as time passes. I'm not grumbling that cheap salons can't do a good job, and with cheapo me, it's obvious I'll go for a cheaper one as long as it's not that bad, but it hurts to know all these while, my mum isn't THAT serious about changing how I look. And about my clothes, she said weeks ago that it's high time I do something about wearing something new. The clothes I have got..mostly were bought and worn since secondary school, and sometimes, I even feel shy about wearing them out, but didn't want to grumble that much. I thought, finally, I'll have something nice to wear to go out with my bf, but this afternoon, Mum said "Actually I think u can still wear the clothes in the wardrobe. It's just whether u want it or not." I was hurt.

Why can't my parents understand that I'm wanting to be like any other girl, who can dress prettily? Girls got to put make up when they were in secondary school, but I only got to secretly purchase a bottle of foundation after I graduated from JC and only got to put proper make up on when I was 19. And even now at 24, my make up expires when I have only used it for a few times, simply because Mum doesn't like me putting make up, claiming that it will ruin my skin.

I'm not blessed with flawless skin too. I have pimples, and with the immense stress from med sch I get, it's no surprise about how worn out I look and I cannot hide my dark rings away. I really do like a maid, especially if I were to wear home clothes in my flat here in UK.

I do feel shy going out with my bf, even to the supermarket, because I am always not dressed properly. There were even times I didn't dare hold his hands, worrying that other Chinese on the streets will know I'm his gf. I'm sure he has gotten used to the fact that I am not fashionable because he doesn't comment about it much anymore, and he said he's not shy about having me as gf. It does touch me, but I know he would much prefer it if I do doll myself up..afterall..he's a guy no?

Thinking back, it amuses me to how happy I felt about buying myself that pair of high boots and smiling at myself in the mirror when I wore it, and how happy I feel about modelling in the changing room when I find something nice in the shops which I hope to own, but didn't end up buying, and only wanted to wear it for a minute or two to show my bf.

I can't afford to buy a LV product too. I have many friends around me who can buy a bag or two from LV, but I can't...not even a wallet. And the first time I bought a LV was a small card holder for CG because I know he loves it. I actually wanted to buy myself a nice branded wallet to reward myself for passing my exams, but because I can't afford, I decided to give my own present up for his bday present and be contented with an old wallet I bought in JC. I guess he knew how much I wanted a wallet, so he bought me a pretty one when we went window shopping. It wasn't expensive, so I accepted it. I know he's been surfing LV websites after that day when I gave up my own present for his, and I was guessing he might be thinking of buying the wallet I was eyeing for for me. I didn't want him to splurge the few hundred pounds on me, so I thought the cheap wallet will be a good substitute. It doesn't look as cheap as the price anyway...and I love it just as much. I should be contented.

I have no idea why CG wants to buy me things. I have never thought of having my own bf spending lots of money on me, buying me expensive gifts. But he does buy me costly presents. I'm really happy upon receiving them, yet I feel pathetic about myself.

He pulled me into a Swarovski boutique when we walked passed it a few days ago, and just bought me a brooch instantly just because I said it is nice. I was shocked and touched, but wanted to return it because I don't wear brooches often. He insisted that I keep it as a momento since it was the annual edition of 2005..the year we got together, so there it is now, sitting on my desk. The brooch isn't THAT expensive since it was on sale, but I felt shit abt myself because I would be contemplating endlessly abt whether I should purchase it even though I like it, and my bf could just give it to me in a snap. It's perfectly normal for a bf to buy a present for his gf, but I can't imagine that I had to end up having my bf to buy me such things when it's not even that pricey.

I am hoping to buy a small laptop since my current laptop is a bit unstable and it overheats easily as one of the fans is spoilt. I will have to get it repaired when I go back to Sg. But again, I don't dare to ask for it, while I just envy my brother for having 3 computers.

Sigh. I know this post is a bit all-over-the-place. I'm just venting my frustrations.

I just want to be rich in future. Call me money face. I don't give a damn because I do tooo many things with money. Who said money can't buy happiness? Ok, maybe not all types of happiness, but with money, I can at least make myself happy by making all my wishes come true, and put an end to the miserable feeling I get. What's a LV wallet if I have the $? What's so difficult about being fashionable if I have the $?!