End of Paediatrics!!!!

Yay!!!!

That closes the skills and competencies for my 2nd last block. And I'm kinda looking forward to having a fresh start with my final block now (except for going freaking far away for it). But it's gonna be good, I hope. At least I heard good reviews about it from the others so far.

The kids I examined today were lovely, active and extremely cute. Definitely looking well, unlike most of those I see in emergency unit in the hospital. And it seems that the Consultants are pleased with my performance, as they started chatting with me about my future career plans while waiting for the bell to go off before I shoo off to another examining station. Hopefully it'll all go well. I definitely need a pass to get on with my life (yes, it's that serious to me).

A post-exam celebration tonight with the Paediatric docs and those on placement with me. Gosh, they're gonna drag me to the Philly with them after dinner and I'm not looking forward to it. Can't drink at all! And I'm just going because of social obligations, and because it's not nice not turning up since it's a celebration for us students and for the House Officer who is leaving. Reckon the Philly will be packed tonight since those whose exams are over will be getting themselves wasted completely in there.

Feeling so relieved now. Fantastic feeling. :)

Got a good comment from my Paeds placement. "Astonishing student"..how's that? Does make my day for a bit, and that is GREAT since my mood's been really foul for the past week.

Hormonal imbalance? Exam stress? Lack of sleep? Exhaustion?

But I do know I have been having a go at him for a few times already, and I am very aware of how wrong I am, yet not being to control it. Mum thinks I should see the doctor about my hormonal imbalance problem since she noticed such drastic changes in me over the past few years. It doesn't feel nice and I do know when I am suffering from it.

Hope the exam goes well. Can't wait for the end of it, so I can have some proper peaceful sleep.

My boy received a letter yesterday, and he didn't feel a thing about it. But when I looked at it, tears welled up my eyes.

It was the letter from Cambridge. "Application withdrawal", it stated.

The decision is made that he doesn't want to try for Cambridge until a year later, and this time, not wanting to go for the MPhil but the direct PhD instead. But I wanted him to have more options for himself, and who wouldn't want more acceptance letters from prestigious Cambridge?

He's happy. Happy about the withdrawal, while I think it's a complete waste, and not to mention the hours of effort we have put in writing up the scholarship application, and it was also during then, we had a pretty bad quarrel. I spent hours staying awake at night just to get it done, and now it has gone completely down the drain.

CG: Isn't it good that I have withdrawn? At least I can be certain I will stay here with you for 1 more year, to see u graduate. If I'm lucky enough to get accepted, my parents will not let me stay here, and I will be in a dilemma as to whether I should just go to Cambridge or be here for you.

Me: Of course u should go to Cambridge if they accept u. I want u to stay, but at the same time, I musn't hold u back. It's your dream to go there, and u should realise it. I don't want you to have any regrets in future.

CG: If I'm really good, Cambridge or any other prestigious university will take me in anytime for PhD. It doesn't have to be now. I can go next year, or another year, anytime. But if I don't treasure being with you for another year here, I will never have this chance again. You're most important to me now.

My tears rolled. I felt a strong sense of guilt. I felt like a totally selfish asshole. I know it's not as if he got accepted and rejected it, but withdrawing the application feels pretty much the same to me. After all the preparations...sigh.

I am falling deeper and deeper into it, and last night was the 1st time I could truly say I feel secured when he asked if I was.

My relationship with him is getting better and better as the days pass, despite little squabbles, and I do hope it stays this way. His hugs, his words, his touch and his eyes tells me all that I wish to know, the way I wish to feel. And I am glad when he told me that he feels very secure having me by his side.

Though we can't deny the fact that we have a long way to go and we can't even carry out any serious future plans like how other couples can, I guess we just have to be contented with the way we are now and keeping the trust we have in each other.

Haven't been feeling my best. Malaise setting in, and for the fact that I was running a fever and having terrible headaches over the weekend, does make me worry of some viral infection I probably caught from the kiddies on the wards. Starting to cough now, and my throat does feel slightly sore. Nose bled on Sunday as well. Not to mention that the weather has been pretty erratic recently, with sudden frosty wintry weathers to sudden bright and sunny days.

It's pretty nice to fall ill. Good excuse for a lay in, but this is definitely not the best time for it. Got loads to revise, and it doesn't help feeling lethargic every evening when I get home, and all I do is sleep for hours, and continue being drowsy when he wakes me up from my suppose-to-be nap.

Shall try to overcome this today. Shall take a short nap before trying to endure the rest of the evening without sleep. I don't really wanna leave him doing his work alone in my room, while I just get nicely cuddled up and sleep. Makes me feel like as if I'm not working hand-in-hand with him.

Bad Saturday...

My Saturday is BAD BAD BAD!!!!!! Piangz, made me so pissed off the entire day till my head hurts now...ooouuuccccchhhh...

I should be off the bed now rather than sitting here and blog. But I'm just pissed lah. And since my boy's busy watching political videos on his laptop, I shall just be quiet and grumble here.

My morning started off the usual bad way when the alarm clock went off at 7am. It's not THAT early to many ppl, but it's FREAKING early for pigs like me, and hey...it's Saturday..one of the miserable days of the week I get to sleep till the sun shines on my butt. But today, I can't. And I got no proper weekend cos I have to make my way to the hospital for placement. SAD RIGHT?!

And the crazy winds welcomed me the moment I got out of my accomodation. SUPER STRONG! I had to overcome so much resistance with my weak body just to make my way to the stupid bus station which isn't that far, but seemed like a billion miles away, thanks to Mr. Wind.

Happily sat there (ok, maybe not so happy since I'm freezing in the cold), and wondered why the bus didn't arrive. Had a peep at the board, and realised that the bus route has changed because of the rugby match at the Millenium Stadium today! Sheesh, I just hate it whenever there's a match going on here. So many roads are closed, and bus stops are changed to other places too. I ended up having to walk 15 minutes (under the terribly strong wintry winds) to the new "venue" to board the bus.

Thought I'll have a productive time at the hospital, but NO! There were so many complicated cases that the bloody ward round (just to see 6 patients and 2 babies) took up the entire morning. I could just die walking around like an idiot with the Consultant and Registrar. And because they were so busy, I didn't get taught anything at all. Such a complete waste of time. Not to mention, I actually stayed in the hospital till about 3pm being an idiot. Couldn't stand it any longer, and just went home. The only thing to be consoled about is the "I am impressed with your presence today!" from the Consultant. *rolls eyes*

Was famished when I got back home, since I didn't even have time, or rather, don't even dare to excuse myself to go for lunch. Started craving for Swedish meatballs from IKEA, so decided to get my boy to go with me. Checked out which buses are supposed to go there, and happily made my way to the "changed" stops, but got darn freaking pissed off when I was told that those buses do NOT go to IKEA. EAT SHIT MANZ! I was told different things from different bus drivers about which bus to take and to board from where. Listened to them with doubts, and guess what?! I got tricked!!!! THOSE LIARS!

I practically walked round the entire city centre, before being told to go to the other end again. Thanks, but no thanks mate. CG and I got so fed up, we just wanted to go nowhere else but HOME!

Dinner was the best bit of the day though. Pizza hut :) Not that I love pizzas, but it's been quite a while since we last had it. And I realise I'm getting hooked to fizzy orange drinks. Simply love it. Tango rulez! :)

It's been a long time since I last had jiao zi. And I am always telling CG that I miss it. But I finally got to satisfy my craving a little when Zhang Zhen made some for us to try. It was delicious!

I'm still craving for it and XLB.

Missed placements for 2 days, and I feel totally shit about it. Although it feels great to have some sleep at home, but I am worried that the Consultant might not feel happy. The electronic operated door of my bedroom was faulty, and locked me out of my room, so the security had to open it and let me in. Had to get it repaired, and that would means I have to wait till the day and there was no way I'm going to leave my room unattended while someone comes in to repair it. Then just when everything was fine, I suffered insomnia last night (my mind was just busy with dunno what) and the fire alarm went off AGAIN! It only managed to be turned off at around 4+ this morning!!!!

The weeks are just flying past and it scares me. Feeling worried about my upcoming exams. I have no idea why I'm not so motivated or organised. I feel insecured, and I do feel the stress building up in me, yet at the same time, I'm trying to curb it and hide it. To keep things simple, I don't know what's going on in my mind and I don't really know what I'm doing.

It'll be a joke if I told my coursemates about how I feel because they think I know everything. The doctors are praising me in hospital, but I still feel insecured. I lack confidence in myself.

I tossed and turned in bed so much last night. Couldn't sleep at all with various things flashing past. I started missing home. I felt terrible within, and I must have affected his sleep because he just turned round, looked at me and gave me a big hug. I did feel very comforted, but I couldn't speak. I have no idea why. Why is it so difficult to speak out now?

Please let me feel better soon.

WOOHOO!!!!

FINALLY! *phew* All relieved now..hehehehehehee.... :D

I don't know if I'm having regrets now, but the thought about the consequences now scares me to bits. I don't know who else to talk to about this matter and no way can I tell my parents about it.

I know panicking and worrying about it isn't gonna help and might make my current problem worse, but it's freaking crucial and I can't help it can I?

I just hope it really is nothing....I really really hope...

For the past few months, my life here in Cardiff only consists of him and my studies. I hardly have time to sleep my fill, hardly have time to do anything I like, not even dream about dance.

And I am so surprised that now Cardiff Uni has ballet classes. It's for Intermediates, and I think it should be pretty easy to me. I am very very tempted to go, but I won't have to revise because classes start and end really late. I do hope to wear my ballet shoes again and dance. But at the same time, I know this class is a just-for-fun sort, and...oh well. CG thinks I should give it a miss too because he thinks I'm having bad enough a rush to find time to revise and sleep. I do feel a slight disappointment that I don't get the support I was anticipating, but I can understand why he rather I stay at home and sleep or revise. Sigh.

AND just when I thought the "dance bug" in me has died, I found myself dancing randomly in my room as some hiphop music was blasting away. It's been ages since I blasted music in my room. No, my mood isn't foul. I just miss the kick I get dancing away randomly to it.

Feeling pretty good now. :) It feels even better now listening to Weilian's singing. I still love it like I used to. Plus, I feel very loved at the moment. It's indescribable...

A very very major argument that turned a little violent on Friday and Saturday. I can forgive, but I can't forget. And although I have forgiven him completely and am able to smile and laugh happily again, I cannot cast the words he said to me aside. At least it would take some time.

I know his temper is terrible and words said in a fit of anger cannot be taken as the truth, but one should still think twice about what is coming out of your mouth, as it's always at this vulnerable time that a relationship can end with just something one said "in the fit of anger".

My boy has a habit of writing stuffs when he's feeling very sad/angry etc. He claims that it makes him feel better, and I got to read what he wrote about this episode of argument which actually made me remove my ring before his very eyes. It was a very descriptive entry revolved around the value of a ring. If it was an essay sent in for a Chinese Essay Competition, it would have gotten top prize. I was amazed by his thinking depth about a ring's significance and how it's condition is comparable to one relationship:

"The scratches on the ring signifies the amount of conflicts. The longer the ring stays on the finger, the more it is exposed to scratches, and the number of scratches increases too. And the ring doesn't become as shiny as it used to be anymore. But it can become as good as new after a good polish, as the scratches are smoothened away. Just like conflicts resolving in a relationship.

A ring is like having the one you love with you 24 hours, 7 days a week. When you look at it, it feels like you can see the other person. And touching it makes u feel like u are touching her. It has become such an important item in my life and has become a part of me, such that I feel empty when I don't have it on my finger, as if I have lost something and life would feel different. Even if she were to remove it one day, I won't ever do so. Because I love her very much, not just now but always, even if she's no longer mine."

(I only translated roughly what he typed from Mandarin to English, and it has totally ruined the feel of the Mandarin version :X)

Placement

I am getting quite fed up with my placements, despite getting proper teaching. Transport is a real big problem for me, and it is a pain having to travel around to various places in the valleys and mountains to see patients. I haven't been able to be independent and do what I want to do, making the most out of placements as much as I hope to. And it feels shittier when the Consultant asks you why you haven't done it.

Every day when I get back home from my placement, the earliest time would be 6pm, and I would be so tired that I don't even want to eat even if I am hungry. I hardly have time to sit down and revise, and every week, I'm looking forward to only the weekends. Even in my dreams, I am dreaming of paediatrics, and seeing myself "being on placement". And every morning when the alarm goes off, I would be revert back to my stressed mood about how I'm going to go to the valleys and mountains without transport.

Even when I'm doing nights, I have to rush to get as much as I can done within a limited time, just so that I can be in time to catch the last train home.

And with this new Consultant who happens to our main clinical tutor for this placement, it has made my life worse. He expects us to be in hospital by 8.30 am (which we all ignore) and wants us in on weekends too. Yes, Saturday and Sunday. I doubt he's married because he's not wearing a wedding ring, and I am more certain that he isn't, because with the way he's working during weekends, just proves that he's got nothing else to do except stay in hospital. If he has got a family, he would have to make time for them, and the only time to do so is on weekends no?

Thanks to him that I have to be playing doc on Saturday now. Not to mention that I am doing on calls and nights every week too. And you bet CG is quite pissed about it, as he thinks it's the only few rare days I can sleep soundly without the alarm clock disturbing me.

And my next placement probably isn't gonna be better either. It's at a place few hours away from Cardiff by train, and apparently, there's no accomodation in the hospital. And the staff there is hoping that we have a car, so we can get around easily. And I know on the spot that I'll be in shit again for the next placement. Because the next placement involves more nights and on calls plus weekends due to the specialty. I'm hoping that NONE doing the same specialty as me in that hospital has a car, that will make the hospital provide transport for us. Thinking of the amount of fees we pay to the medical school, I can't believe that they even have to stinge over providing transport for us.

It's a time like this when I ask myself if....if I can live with him forever?

I cannot accept a bf, who when upset/angry/troubled, just walking off, leaving me trying to catch up behind him, and not talking to me or do things like I didn't exist.

I am disappointed. Numerous times today, but nothing beats the above.

Am really REALLY proud of my boy! =D

It was such great news from him, and I'm sure he was so excited to share it with me that he rang me despite knowing I'm at the hospital.

He got his grades for his 1st semester for his Masters, and got Distinction for it, with an overall average score of 80%! I hope he'll do even better in the 2nd semester as the exams this time will involve more writing and that does worry him quite a bit because his language isn't very good. And how he's doing for his Masters will determine if he can get to Cambridge for MPhil/PhD. It's his dream to go there, and I do wish that he can make it.

I guess I should start working harder, so that I won't feel so shitty about myself. I need motivation...argh...please give it to me...and please get rid of my fatigue.

Can't wait for the weekend now even though it's only Tuesday and the thought of being ON CALL again this week (in fact, every week in Paeds) just makes me sianzzzz. Haven't even had proper time to revise or even copy my lecture notes properly! BAH!