A very very major argument that turned a little violent on Friday and Saturday. I can forgive, but I can't forget. And although I have forgiven him completely and am able to smile and laugh happily again, I cannot cast the words he said to me aside. At least it would take some time.

I know his temper is terrible and words said in a fit of anger cannot be taken as the truth, but one should still think twice about what is coming out of your mouth, as it's always at this vulnerable time that a relationship can end with just something one said "in the fit of anger".

My boy has a habit of writing stuffs when he's feeling very sad/angry etc. He claims that it makes him feel better, and I got to read what he wrote about this episode of argument which actually made me remove my ring before his very eyes. It was a very descriptive entry revolved around the value of a ring. If it was an essay sent in for a Chinese Essay Competition, it would have gotten top prize. I was amazed by his thinking depth about a ring's significance and how it's condition is comparable to one relationship:

"The scratches on the ring signifies the amount of conflicts. The longer the ring stays on the finger, the more it is exposed to scratches, and the number of scratches increases too. And the ring doesn't become as shiny as it used to be anymore. But it can become as good as new after a good polish, as the scratches are smoothened away. Just like conflicts resolving in a relationship.

A ring is like having the one you love with you 24 hours, 7 days a week. When you look at it, it feels like you can see the other person. And touching it makes u feel like u are touching her. It has become such an important item in my life and has become a part of me, such that I feel empty when I don't have it on my finger, as if I have lost something and life would feel different. Even if she were to remove it one day, I won't ever do so. Because I love her very much, not just now but always, even if she's no longer mine."

(I only translated roughly what he typed from Mandarin to English, and it has totally ruined the feel of the Mandarin version :X)

Placement

I am getting quite fed up with my placements, despite getting proper teaching. Transport is a real big problem for me, and it is a pain having to travel around to various places in the valleys and mountains to see patients. I haven't been able to be independent and do what I want to do, making the most out of placements as much as I hope to. And it feels shittier when the Consultant asks you why you haven't done it.

Every day when I get back home from my placement, the earliest time would be 6pm, and I would be so tired that I don't even want to eat even if I am hungry. I hardly have time to sit down and revise, and every week, I'm looking forward to only the weekends. Even in my dreams, I am dreaming of paediatrics, and seeing myself "being on placement". And every morning when the alarm goes off, I would be revert back to my stressed mood about how I'm going to go to the valleys and mountains without transport.

Even when I'm doing nights, I have to rush to get as much as I can done within a limited time, just so that I can be in time to catch the last train home.

And with this new Consultant who happens to our main clinical tutor for this placement, it has made my life worse. He expects us to be in hospital by 8.30 am (which we all ignore) and wants us in on weekends too. Yes, Saturday and Sunday. I doubt he's married because he's not wearing a wedding ring, and I am more certain that he isn't, because with the way he's working during weekends, just proves that he's got nothing else to do except stay in hospital. If he has got a family, he would have to make time for them, and the only time to do so is on weekends no?

Thanks to him that I have to be playing doc on Saturday now. Not to mention that I am doing on calls and nights every week too. And you bet CG is quite pissed about it, as he thinks it's the only few rare days I can sleep soundly without the alarm clock disturbing me.

And my next placement probably isn't gonna be better either. It's at a place few hours away from Cardiff by train, and apparently, there's no accomodation in the hospital. And the staff there is hoping that we have a car, so we can get around easily. And I know on the spot that I'll be in shit again for the next placement. Because the next placement involves more nights and on calls plus weekends due to the specialty. I'm hoping that NONE doing the same specialty as me in that hospital has a car, that will make the hospital provide transport for us. Thinking of the amount of fees we pay to the medical school, I can't believe that they even have to stinge over providing transport for us.