My best reunion dinner in Cardiff

I had my best reunion dinner in Cardiff at Bali Restaurant, which serves a wide variety of Indonesian, Malaysian and Singaporean dishes.

I didn't expect myself to enjoy this much last night. I was still feeling down until I rang home to talk to my parents. I did wish I was home with them on this day, kneeling down and presenting them with mandarin oranges and say new year greetings to them.

This year, I only had Chen Guang with me, but I'm satisfied. Michelle Tang called me the day before the eve to find out if I was having any plans for reunion. Her bf has gone back to Singapore for the new year, and she's left alone. Gosh, she should have just gone to London to find her family since her parents specially came down to UK from Taiwan.

Right, back to yesterday's dinner. As it was a festive occasion, I decided to doll up. Had make up on, and wore a new coat I bought (muahahaha...I bought it at a big sale..50% of the original price...costing me only 27.50 quid..how cool's that?!). My boy got quite a shock when he saw me, and his compliments the whole evening made me feel good about myself :)

He wanted to try various dishes that I would normally have in Singapore, so I was in charge of ordering the stuffs. Here's what we had:

1. Bali Special soup (similar to Thai's tom yam soup)
2. Kambing Bakar (a lamb dish since my boy wanted lamb)
3. Sambal Sotong
4. Steamed sea bass (it was the whole fish..and my..was the fish massive..hahah)
5. Tahu Goreng
6. Stir fried vegetables
7. Mixed satay
8. Char Kway Teow

The angmos sitting near us were all getting a shock when they saw the waiters placing the dishes (the portion was pretty big) on our table. They were wondering how we were going to finish our food, and throughout our dinner, we had lots of eyes staring at us (it made us feel like celebrities). Eye feasting for them manz.

It shocked this couple sitting next to us when they saw us finishing everything up. Both CG and I were terribly full, but we enjoyed the dishes so much. He loved every single dish, especially char kway teow.

The bill came as a shock too (we didn't expect it to be cheap anyway). It was my boy's treat and before we had dinner, he had already insisted that the bill should go no lower than 30 quid, so when the bill finally came, he was pleased that it went WAY above....HAHAHAHAH. That delicious reunion dinner of ours came to a price of 77.05 quid (approximately $231)!!!!!

We headed to Henry's for drinks. I wish I could have a pint too, but I don't fancy the taste of beer or any type of alcohol, so I kept to my usual non-alcoholic cocktails, while he had a pint. Had a little chat over drinks before going back to watch korean drama.

So that's how I spent my new year's eve's evening. It'll be 2nd round of feasting tonight in my flat. My boy said we'll take photos tonight..hmm...I certainly hope so...

We quarrelled last night. And once again, it made me realise how much we do not understand each other. No matter how much we quarrel or make up, ultimately, the root of the problem isn't solved. I have no idea how to solve it either.

Things we quarrel about was never something I had to quarrel with anyone else. They are probably the craziest and weirdest things any couple would quarrel about, but still, we have major rows over them.

He doesn't understand why I get angry and now he thinks I'm going overboard with my temper. And demanding too much. He also claims that he has given in to me a lot and because of me, he has learnt to control his temper.

I explained why I get angry, but I don't think they ever make sense to him. I would then explain again, only to hear very blunt things from him. It's probably just his country's culture that they say things in a crude way, be it to friends or anyone, and even being pretty open me, I cannot take it. I would not have care a teeny weeny bit if I do not love him, but the fact that I do, made me intolerant of such words. He doesn't understand this either. He thinks a gf is someone whom he can just say anything he wants in any way he likes to.

I can see that he tries to make it up by giving me hugs and kisses. However, knowing that the root of the problem isn't even sorted at all and all he wants is just for me to stop being upset, puts me off. The problems will resurface again. I don't want to keep going through it.

Part of me is feeling guilty that I have brought him unhappiness to a day he deemed important - Chun Jie. I have been hearing him telling me about how it would be like in China during this period, about the big feast his family will have for reunion dinner, his missing home, and his complaints that there isn't any festive mood here (not even in Chinese shops). I hear him telling me about how his aunt would wrap dumplings, and how he would help to wrap too, followed by him commenting that I don't know how to do it and his rather disgusted look when I told him I have never made dumplings before and my family never does it too.

His reaction made me feel stupid even though I know it's not my fault that I do not know how to wrap dumplings. If I knew how to wrap it the way they do in China, I would have done them for him. I want to try too, yet at the same time, afraid that he might say the same things he said last weekend.

I made wanton for him last weekend. I admit I can't wrap it as nicely like how restaurants do it, and I am only wrapping it the way I see my mum does it. I wanted to make fried wantons, and because I know he craves for soup, I decided to use some to make wanton soup too. I think in China, they wrap it differently and give it different names, so what I did was kinda "wrong". Fried ones are called "he zi", and only those in soup is called "hun tun", but the way I wrapped it was wrong. I felt pretty disappointed that evening, but shoved my disappointment aside so as not to spoil the mood. Even he said it was delicious, I felt that I have not done a good job at all.

It's reunion dinner with him tonight. I am still not in my best mood, but I don't want to ruin this day for him either. How can I handle this situation in the best way?

I almost made a rash decision to just grab my wallet and go to London, which I'm glad I didn't. CG and I went to Cardiff Bay instead.

It was a long time since I last went to Cardiff Bay and hence, it was my first time going into this newly built performance hall which is similar to Singapore's Esplanade. I cannot express the joy I feel whenever I walk into a performance hall, and see pictures of the stage. There was a shop which has got quite a lot of ballet stuffs too. I took my time to walk around, and CG was quite irritated, which got me pretty pissed off.

I guess I did mention this before. I really hate his habit of pulling me away from things I am excited about and want to spend some time looking at. He hasn't done it for a while, but today, he did it again!

And we didn't take any photos together AGAIN. You bet I was disappointed. I have always been envious of couples who can take photos together, be it random pics. OK, we've got 3 random pics, but I was the one who insisted on taking it. I think it sounds drastically pathetic. I don't even have a proper photo taken with him which I can frame up. I got pissed. I got angry. I grumbled to him about this, but at the end of it, I still felt no better despite him saying we'll take more photos together in future. I appreciate his effort of trying to please me, but at the same time, I can't help but be upset. I thought couples love taking photos together, but my bf doesn't at all. And he claims that it's because he doesn't like taking photos and there isn't a nice scenery too.

BUT WHO GIVES ALL THE SHIT ABOUT SCENERY?!?!?!?!

It's not as if we are always travelling together. We haven't even been to anywhere out of Cardiff till now. And if I always have to wait for a scenery, I might not even end up having an album of us for years!

He doesn't see my joy of having small things like random photos of us. Sometimes, I wonder if he knows how much I prefer these constant little joys and sometimes, I wonder if to him, only expensive gifts and fancy dinners are worth being valued. And it will definitely be shocking if I mention that I don't even know the date of us being together. He doesn't either. We only know which month and whether it's at the beginning or the end.

Being his gf, I thought these tiny things will be important to him and he would want to remember. But the fact that he doesn't even insist on finding out probably just means it isn't important.

I was quite sad when he asked me what he should do with our ring when he goes back to China. He doesn't want his parents to see it. His parents doesn't know about our relationship, and I am trying to understand his plan to tell them after we're together for 2 yrs. So if I were to visit him during August, I'll be going as a friend. It does hurt me slightly, but I suppose he has his reason. But the ring....if it was meant to be hidden, why even bother to buy it?

Call me sensitive. I think these things just contributes to why I cannot feel secure. I know he's trying. I can feel it and I don't blame him for losing his temper when I still feel insecure despite him trying. I guess he doesn't know..doesn't understand even though I have told him. And I have no idea how else I can make it clear to him.

Just when I thought a few days ago that I might have found the "spot" I want to "sit" tightly comfortably in....ha..probably I haven't....

I was blabbering for quite a while after dinner about things I was unhappy about. I know it's accumulating, and I need to let it go. I had to talk to someone I can trust to lend me a listening ear and let me rant on till I had enough (it's not easy..).

And I only have CG to talk to here. That accounts to one of the reasons to why he's so important to me, and why I fear him leaving me alone here.

I hardly talk in school, and even lesser as the days go by. Sometimes I even wonder if anyone knew I exist or have a voice.

The only time I ever know I exist is when I'm with him. Even if he thinks I'm full of shit, I'm all this and that, at least I feel alive for once cos at least someone notices me and know I'm clowny. And someone in UK actually telling me that his life in UK is meaningless if I did not exist.

I know what he was trying to tell me when he told me a short bit of "Romance of the Three Kingdoms" over dinner (which unfortunately I do not understand despite knowing the moral somehow).

I felt conscious of what I was always talking about to him. They were mostly nothing worth mentioning about too much. And I am constantly thinking if he finds me grumbling too much. I seem to have problems getting along with most people, which made me wonder if it was bad luck (I have always been pretty suay since young) or there is something wrong with me. At times I was hoping it would be the latter, so at least I can try to do something about it.

Me: Hey, I think I'm always telling u about how shitty my life here is and it seems like as if I always meet ppl I don't get along with. But I think not everyone is that bad. Maybe I can tell u some nice ppl I know for a change.
CG: Sure...
Me: *thinks hard* Erm...my jap flatmate was quite nice..I think (when we are rarely in touch now)...and another flatmate in my first yr who ran out of the shower with a towel just to see who has moved in (when I probably spoke not more than 20 sentences to her during her month's stay in the flat).

I couldn't believe myself. I couldn't even name someone confidently. Surely there can be at least ONE name isn't it? But there isn't. At that instant, I felt miserable and pathetic.

Friends always end up becoming acquaintances and then becoming strangers. Countless people have walked into my life, made me acknowledge their existence, and then leave. I do feel a tinge of sadness when this happens, but because it has happened countless times, I don't feel as bad as before. And this has caused an effect in the trust I place on those around me. I can't help thinking they will leave, and I would hesitate to move an inch closer. It makes CG work up whenever I tell him he will leave one day because people around me never stay long. I admit I'm not being optimistic and mature by being firm with my own opinions about this matter, but do I not have a reason to make this hypothesis? Who has proven me wrong?

I tried very hard to make my life better here. I have to admit it is pretty much better now that I'm out of the old place, and despite still having as good as no friends, at least I have a "home" which I look forward to return to everyday.

People I used to know seem to be nice to me for a short while if they had no one else and hence, I was their best-of-the-worst lifeboat. I know this is THE world, and my feeling depressed about it is just my inability to face it completely and not game enough to play along. I can never fully understand why or rather...refuse to. Besides, it's not me. Friends whom I used to regard as friends just leave me when they have found their new clique. Friends I thought who will stay by me and help pull me through my ordeals here just don't bother much about me anymore ever since they knew I took a gap year. I also had people despising me just because they thought I must have been incompetent and had to leave school for a year.

Whenever I face this, I tell myself I'll make it through even if it's a tough route. Even though it hurts me very much, it doesn't matter if others think my opinions are not worth listening to or think I'm stupid. If I pull through, one day, I'll be able to hold my head high up and make people listen to me. I'm still telling myself that, and am currently doing it now as I'm weeping while typing out this entry (maybe I just miss home too..)

I want so much to go to CG's room to look for him now and cry it all out, but I don't want to freak him out when I'm not able to put my current feelings into words and make him think I'm being a little crybaby.

I wish I knew what he is thinking.

Somehow, I know my boy is troubled..or rather..having unsaid thoughts. He hasn't really been himself tonight and I wish I knew why. I started becoming clowny just to cheer him up, which did make him laugh but at the same time, he thinks I'm full of shit. Oh well..

Perhaps he's in a dilemma of what decision he should make...

To stay in Cardiff with me till I finish my studies?
To go to another part of UK to get another Masters or MPhil?
To continue staying in UK till I am done with both my studies and housemanship?
To go back to China and work?
To go to America and study?

I guess I can't deny I wish I can have him by my side throughout my remaining years in UK, but at the same time, I hope he can make a decision which will allow him to have a better future.

Or perhaps he's just feeling that his studies in UK is a waste of his time since he's always complaining about how slack his coursemates are etc. My boy likes a challenge, and I guess his course isn't challenging enough for him. And the assignments he's gotta do are pointless...which is shitty.

I need some inspiration, to make my boy smile again. What should I do?

Every day and night, I'm thinking about the heart..bleah. And no matter how I try, I still crap at ECG interpretation. I'm not really learning it the way I should, but just memorising the abnormalities without knowing the mechanism of it. The most torturing way to learn, but it gets me more frustrated trying to understand the mechanism instead. And the drugs...piangz...more memorising and understanding the pharmacology.

It's scary how time flies. I was still thinking it's the beginning of January, until I went to return the books I borrowed from the library. And not to mention, being reminded that CNY is like 11 days away! That will mean Dad's bday is coming too..hehee.

Am so tempted to buy myself new clothes for CNY (even though no one will appreciate it here), but I'm pretty broke now after spending about 120 pounds on the V-day present. My boy's rather broke now too after spending on the V-day's present and consoling himself that it's money well spent...lol. Talking about it, I can't wait for it to arrive! We have finally bought the pair of rings!!!! *beams*

So plans for CNY...

CG's treat for reunion dinner at this restaurant that serves Singaporean food..hmm..I wonder what dishes they have got.

And it'll be me cooking on the first day of CNY :) Slurp..finally I will get to open up my can of abalone and make either Sharkfin's soup or Buddha jumps over the wall. Shall whip up a few dishes for my boy. I can't wait! I must make our first CNY together a memorable one. Oh, by the way, I made supper for him last night, and he loved the chicken porridge I made for him. I was on cloud nine when he said he has never tasted any porridge that delicious before...beats the lobster porridge he loves.

(Sheesh..I just realised all I ever do for him is cook. Simply can't think of anything special...)

In an attempt to curb my insecurity and my beginning of turning paranoid, I shall blog down everything that he has done for me (as far as my memory doesn't fail me):

1. He picks me up after my school from the bus stop everyday during his winter break.
2. He made roast duck for me because he knows I miss the one in Bayswater.
3. He made his 1st attempt to cook for a girl, and I was the girl.
4. He bought me an iPod Nano and a bouquet of roses for my bday.
5. He planned to have candlelight dinner with me (he'll cook the food) in his flat to celebrate my bday (but I ruined it because I wanted to go to a restaurant since he nv told me that was his plan which was meant to be a surprise, and hence, I mistook and thought he didn't cared about celebrating my bday).
6. When I lost my keys, he went to the city to search for it even though it was to no avail.
7. He cooked me a nice meal whenever I am having a bad day at school.
8. He carries supermarket bags for me now even though he dreads and whines the entire evening about it when we were just friends.
9. He accompanies me to walk around the entire city centre just because I needed to buy something, and even though he hates my character of not buying the thing I needed even after I have spent hours walking around, he still did it despite grumbling.
10. He accompanies me to watch movies I want to watch.
11. He doesn't make me feel alone.
12. He calls me whenever he thinks my school ends a bit later than usual and was wondering if I am on my way home.
13. He accompanies me to the laundry each time he knows I'm washing my clothes, so that he can carry my big bag of laundry to my room.
14. He calls me practically everyday when I went back to Sg.
15. He takes care of me when I am ill or having cramps, by cooking me milk porridge and making sure I am well tucked into bed before leaving.
16. He accompanied me to the hospital because I didn't feel like going to school alone, and spent hours reading in the library just to wait for me to finish school.
17. He offered to buy me a nice sweater just because he couldn't stand me not wearing much during Winter and couldn't stand my stinginess of not wanting to buy anything for myself.
18. He took me out for dinner because I was sad about losing my key.
19. He offered to pay half the cost to replace my lost key, which I rejected, and decided to spend about the same amount on dinner so that he can "share" my loss.
20. He hugged me to bed when I was under a lot of stress in school.
21. He bought me Ferrero Rocher and Haagan Daaz Ice cream when he noticed me always looking at it in the supermarket, but ending up either not buying it, or buying a cheaper similarity.
22. He secretly put in extra packets of instant noodles into my shopping bag so that I can try more flavours without having to buy them.
23. He bought me a very pretty box so that I can keep the roses in it when I have dried them.
24. He called home to find a remedy of getting rid of a bone that got stuck on my throat which hurt for more than a week, when eating rice doesn't even get rid of it.
25. He visits me every night before he goes to bed, no matter how busy or stressed he is.
26. He copied mp3 into my laptop because he was worried I'll be bored listening to the same old songs I have got.
27. He cooked milk congee for me when I was ill.
28. He specially got "The Myth" from his friend because he knew I was dying to watch it.
29. He took off his jacket and let me wear it when I was freezing in the cold.
30. He would unzip his jacket, "hide" me within his jacket, and hug me tightly when I'm very cold.
31. He would help tuck my jeans nicely into my boots whenever I can't do it properly.
32. He smses me once in a while to see how I am.

I'm sure there are many more..but I can't think of it at the moment...

I feel fortunate. And it's time I try to stop feeling insecure.

What more can I ask for from such a guy?

The weekend doesn't even feel like a weekend, apart from not having to go to hospital. I did not enjoy it like how I would for the other weekends, even though I had my usual dining out session and time with my boy.

We were really quiet over dinner. No..in fact almost the whole evening. We didn't quarrel, and were on great terms with each other, but both of us are not in the mood for anything. "Stress" spells on our forehead, and he hasn't been feeling well these few days too.

The air in my room has been drastically dry these days and I have no idea why. And CG has his nose bleeding almost every morning in my room when he wakes up. He never told me about it and I was suspecting it when I saw blood stains in my sink one morning. I was only wondering why he would get up suddenly in the morning and rush to the toilet.

I finally saw his nose bleeding last night when he knocked on my toilet door to ask me if he can go in. I was still thinking he must be trying to be funny, until he showed me his fingers with blood. It shocked me, and when I opened the door, I saw his nose bleeding profusely. It was flowing non stop and I was so worried for him. Had to keep pressing onto his nose. Watching the amount of blood he loses with each nose bleed, it was no wonder he's got postural hypotension at the chocolate shop on Friday.

I think I shall go out and buy pig's liver now. Shall spring a dinner surprise on him tonight. It's time to take care of my boy.

I'm back in UK again, after a long flight. It's weird how restless I get and how long I find each flight getting the more I fly. But fortunately, I managed to sleep quite a lot on the flight.

My lovely bf specially woke up early to talk to me on the phone when I arrived at Heathrow. He was worried that I'll be bored. And oh boy was he delighted when he saw me at the central station in Cardiff.

He was extremely sweet yesterday, and my tears almost rolled as I was eating lunch with him. He had woken up early in the morning to cook lunch as he knew I would be famished by the time I'm back. And it wasn't an ordinary lunch. He made roasted duck for me!!! It was delicious, noting the fact that he had to rely only on an oven to make it. The fried rice was not bad too.

He helped me unpack my luggage and arrange the things I brought back. And he was saying that I look as if I am all ready to open a Chinese supermarket here. I also showed him the $100 note I bought for him, and he was very happy. Am glad he thinks the note is pretty :)

Had a short nap before we went for my birthday dinner. He had found 2 places, but unfortunately, they are not serving food when we were there, so we ended up going to Riverside Restaurant for a nice chinese meal. I didn't eat much because I was feeling quite tired and kinda full from the lunch.

Got to open up my present..hehe...my iPod Nano!!!! I love it soooo much!!!!!

I also read the stuffs he wrote during our last quarrel. It touched me greatly and now I do know how much I meant to him.

Went to bed extremely early last night as I've got an early ward round this morning. I was supposed to talk for a while with him before we slept, but I guess I just dozed off not long after I laid down. Only woke up in the middle of the night to find myself lying in his arms. It made me felt loved.

Where are the roses? Ha! That silly boy wanted to buy it fresh from the florist, only to find it closed yesterday...lol. So there goes his plan. You bet he was feeling shitty for having all his plans (ipod, flowers, dinner) totally screwed up. He said he'll bring me the bouquet today...hmm...shall see tonight :)

And he's going to the bus stop to meet me after I finish school today! Can't wait to see him.

New Year 2006

How did you spend the last day of 2005?

Mine was a chalet with the secondary school gang. But because I had woken up at 5am, I was dying of exhaustion straight after the bbq session. Could hardly keep my eyes open during their poker session. I wish I was more energetic and have more fun with them.

It was great seeing some people I have not seen for years, like Jiemin, Shafiq and Yiong Keong. And again, it was full of laughter with the crap.

I also wished I could drink with the rest too. I'm a rubbish drinker, and hence, I refused to even have a can since I'm sure I will give up after less than half a can. It makes me quite sianz whenever I see my buddies drink, while I can't. CG is a fantastic drinker too (he only gets a bit tipsy after dunno how many dozens of cans!), and I can't even have a can with him. I remember we bought a bottle of Tiger beer before, and I couldn't take it after a few mouthfuls (didn't want palpitations and looking like a lobster), and he had to finish the entire bottle himself. He drank it like as if it was plain water!

I went to bed before the clock struck 12, and woke up very early again this morning. Was so glad to see my boy online. He's back from Manchester, and I was in time to wish him Happy New Year. I missed the countdown in Sg, so I had to do the countdown using UK time. And it was a short moment of fun counting down to 2006 with him using our webcams and mics.

Showed him his present and oh boy, was he delighted! In exchange, I was allowed to read something he wrote during our last quarrel. My boy writes his thoughts and feelings whenever he's unhappy or upset. He wanted to read it out to me, but I understand things better when I read than listen, so I shall read it when I go back to UK (gosh...he said it's more than one page of A4 in Mandarin!!!!). But he still read the first few sentences. I stopped him because my tears were already rolling!!!!! Manz...I wonder if my eyes will start swelling after I finish reading it, but I still wanna read it. I want to know what he's thinking and feeling.

Can't wait to see him now. He's the only reason that makes me smile whenever I think about my return. And we're going to celebrate my bday properly when I return! I was touched when he told me the plans he has worked out on the day of my return. And I can't wait to see my bouquet of roses too. He said the number is a surprise and said a rose isn't cheap..costs about more than a pound for a stalk. Hmm...scares me when he says that. I hope he didn't spend lots of money on it cos he has already spent a lot on my present. And he said he's gonna make roast duck for me..hahaha...I wonder how it'll taste like. Looking forward to try it :)