I was blabbering for quite a while after dinner about things I was unhappy about. I know it's accumulating, and I need to let it go. I had to talk to someone I can trust to lend me a listening ear and let me rant on till I had enough (it's not easy..).

And I only have CG to talk to here. That accounts to one of the reasons to why he's so important to me, and why I fear him leaving me alone here.

I hardly talk in school, and even lesser as the days go by. Sometimes I even wonder if anyone knew I exist or have a voice.

The only time I ever know I exist is when I'm with him. Even if he thinks I'm full of shit, I'm all this and that, at least I feel alive for once cos at least someone notices me and know I'm clowny. And someone in UK actually telling me that his life in UK is meaningless if I did not exist.

I know what he was trying to tell me when he told me a short bit of "Romance of the Three Kingdoms" over dinner (which unfortunately I do not understand despite knowing the moral somehow).

I felt conscious of what I was always talking about to him. They were mostly nothing worth mentioning about too much. And I am constantly thinking if he finds me grumbling too much. I seem to have problems getting along with most people, which made me wonder if it was bad luck (I have always been pretty suay since young) or there is something wrong with me. At times I was hoping it would be the latter, so at least I can try to do something about it.

Me: Hey, I think I'm always telling u about how shitty my life here is and it seems like as if I always meet ppl I don't get along with. But I think not everyone is that bad. Maybe I can tell u some nice ppl I know for a change.
CG: Sure...
Me: *thinks hard* Erm...my jap flatmate was quite nice..I think (when we are rarely in touch now)...and another flatmate in my first yr who ran out of the shower with a towel just to see who has moved in (when I probably spoke not more than 20 sentences to her during her month's stay in the flat).

I couldn't believe myself. I couldn't even name someone confidently. Surely there can be at least ONE name isn't it? But there isn't. At that instant, I felt miserable and pathetic.

Friends always end up becoming acquaintances and then becoming strangers. Countless people have walked into my life, made me acknowledge their existence, and then leave. I do feel a tinge of sadness when this happens, but because it has happened countless times, I don't feel as bad as before. And this has caused an effect in the trust I place on those around me. I can't help thinking they will leave, and I would hesitate to move an inch closer. It makes CG work up whenever I tell him he will leave one day because people around me never stay long. I admit I'm not being optimistic and mature by being firm with my own opinions about this matter, but do I not have a reason to make this hypothesis? Who has proven me wrong?

I tried very hard to make my life better here. I have to admit it is pretty much better now that I'm out of the old place, and despite still having as good as no friends, at least I have a "home" which I look forward to return to everyday.

People I used to know seem to be nice to me for a short while if they had no one else and hence, I was their best-of-the-worst lifeboat. I know this is THE world, and my feeling depressed about it is just my inability to face it completely and not game enough to play along. I can never fully understand why or rather...refuse to. Besides, it's not me. Friends whom I used to regard as friends just leave me when they have found their new clique. Friends I thought who will stay by me and help pull me through my ordeals here just don't bother much about me anymore ever since they knew I took a gap year. I also had people despising me just because they thought I must have been incompetent and had to leave school for a year.

Whenever I face this, I tell myself I'll make it through even if it's a tough route. Even though it hurts me very much, it doesn't matter if others think my opinions are not worth listening to or think I'm stupid. If I pull through, one day, I'll be able to hold my head high up and make people listen to me. I'm still telling myself that, and am currently doing it now as I'm weeping while typing out this entry (maybe I just miss home too..)

I want so much to go to CG's room to look for him now and cry it all out, but I don't want to freak him out when I'm not able to put my current feelings into words and make him think I'm being a little crybaby.