Thursday

Met up with my secondary school gang. We had Kartini attending our meet up after soooo many years! It was great seeing her. I was so touched when they gave me a very very pretty necklace as my birthday present. Had a nice dinner with them at Sakae Sushi too before we headed for TCC at Citylink to....

SEE JIAO JOO!!!! And of course to drink kopi lah...hahahaa..

I finally mustered enough courage to talk to him, despite being criticised by the others that I was darn formal when I spoke. Shy mahz..hehe. The gang was still telling me I'm blushing after 10 years! And it was my 1st time shaking hands with him (I did wash my hands after visiting toilets lah! Don't think I don't know what you're thinking) too! Ok, I know I sound like I have some obsession with him, but NAHZ. I don't!

And I think it's easier to make friends with him now too as I think he has become more talkative and seems more friendly. Afterall we were once in the same school together. Hopefully he doesn't reject my innocent intentions of adding him to my MSN (after some encouragement by friends..haha).

Friday

It was fun having a video conversation and a phone call from him which lasted 6 hours! Yeah, go ahead and ask me what topics we had to talk about...

He's gone to Manchester to find his childhood buddy. I'm sure he must be having fun, and FINALLY feeling at "home" since he'll be able to speak Beijing hua. He was telling me once that he feels so comfortable being able to speak it with his few friends in Cardiff. At times, I wish I can speak it too, then he won't have to specially speak to me using pu tong hua. He tried to teach me a little, but I can't juan she like them, and it only makes him laugh. :P

Had a nice meet up with my family doctor to have a chat regarding my intentions to do my elective in Singapore. Am really glad that he's going to speak to the Professors about it. He was telling me what fantastic teachers they were, and it makes me pretty eager to be under their care if possible. I was even more excited to find out that this Professor I have heard so much about and dying to meet was my Aunt's mentor over the years! I really hope he can take me under his wings too and help make me an excellent doctor one day. My family doc was asking me if I was willing to try it out at Harvard and he will have a way to get me in, but I had to reject it because my proposal was already approved in Cardiff and I really don't want to go somewhere really far away again. I know it's such a waste when I do not have to go through all the hassle of applications and be able to receive the most excellent teaching, but the thought of having to leave home again makes me feel terrible. My stay in UK seems to be dragging longer and longer, and it makes me wonder at times if I will ever be able to be back in Singapore for good. And now, I have to consider CG too. I want to keep my relationship going even though I know it's difficult... I don't want to have to close a chapter anymore.

It made me happy when I went to purchase bank notes for my boy last night. His hobby is to collect bank notes from various places, and after some discussion, he decided to buy the Orchid series. The notes look so pretty to me, and I'm sure he will love it. The price isn't cheap. Managed to get it for $600 after bargaining..hehe.

The set he bought didn't include the notes from $100 and beyond, so I decided to give him a surprise by buying the $100 note for him. I love it very much personally, and I am excited to see his reaction when he sees it. Got it at $190 after bargaining too..hehe. Was so pleased with being able to buy one that is within my budget. :)

And from January, I will have to save about 20 pounds a month because both of us is aiming to buy something. I hope I can have enough to buy it and yes, I must be more determined to kick my biting nail habit. I don't do new year resolutions, but maybe I should put this as mine this year. Hor?

My Xmas and Birthday

[This is the bloody 10th time I am typing this entry...all thanks to Blogger...&$%&#@]
Both occasions were simple, but I was happy. It would have been better if CG was able to be here to celebrate the 2 occasions with me and my family.

It was Xmas dinner with my family and Fred's gf at Raffles Marina. As usual, that club had it's main hall decorated with lights and a big xmas tree. Still as beautiful as ever. Oh, it's the first time I met Fred's gf, Vanessa. She's quite a nice girl, and watching the both of them together just reminds me of how I was when I was 18. Of course my bf then wasn't as kiddy looking as my brother..got better figure too...*lol*

I think I look quite plump in this photo. *blush* My brother's smile in this one sucks...lol

It was present opening time when we got home. That's the xmas tree in my house :) Fred was complaining about why there are so few presents under the tree..haha. Yeah, the number is getting lesser and lesser compared to when we were still kids. It's even lesser this year compared to the last because I didn't buy presents for anyone this time. Didn't want to buy for the sake of it when I couldn't find anything nice in UK.







Anyway, this is what I have got this year!
1. Longines Watch from Dad

Looks classic isn't it? Finally, I have a watch which I can wear to both casual and formal occasions. :) Thanks Dad!

2. Diamond Earrings from Mum

Mum specially picked this from DFS so that I can match it with the Brilliant Rose Trilogy necklace which I received during my 21st.

3. Chomel Earrings from Frederick

I was shocked to see a "Georg Jensen" box and was wondering where he's gotten the money from, until I opened up the box...

Hehehe...pretty earrings! Vanessa chose it. :)

4. Black iPod Nano from Chen Guang

I love iPods, but have never dare to ask for it because it's not cheap to me (I'm stingy can?). Hence, I have always been contented with just viewing the displayed items and with using my old discman. But my boy surprised me with it as he thinks I'm pathetic to be still in the old technology age. I have not received it yet, but he said it has finally arrived in UK! Can't get my hands on it when I go back. It's gonna be a great companion when I am on the bus to hospitals and on flights. Wanna try to get a nice cover for it.

My Xmas would have been fantastic if it weren't because of a call from Batam. My uncle sucks to the core, and it is NOT nice to receive any call from him, because it only means big trouble. It made the whole family very upset, and Dad was yelling his head off over the phone. Because everyone was in a foul mood, my family had forgotten to wish me Happy Birthday when the clock struck twelve, like they would every year. But it's ok.

My birthday dinner was a family dinner this year again. Jap food for the 3rd year running. Didn't realise it till now. I wanted to have Teppanyaki and Mum chose the venue.

It was at...

Keyaki at Pan Pacific Hotel!

Will let the pics do the talking for a while..

Our dinner...

The prawns big huh?! It came with a "good" price too...$10 for one prawn :X And I think we had 8 that night...so.. *clears throat*

Some fish head...can't remember what fish it is already..

Garlic fried rice..one of my obsession

Woohoo...my beef! I love this bit ever since I was a little girl.. :D

Yeah..pathetic piece of Salmon. But it's delicious! Yummy...

Prawn head and my vegetables. Haven't had beansprouts for a long time! It's freaking expensive to buy it in UK, and hence, I decided to spend more on green leafy ones which unfortunately cost more...BUT more worth it to me lah.

Hehe...a pic with Fred and Vanessa. Piangz. I was the one who asked them to take a photo with me, why did I end up looking like some big light bulb in there?!

This raccoon is cute huh?
My brother and his gf trying to look like "those".

That's my favourite pic of the day! The bar in Pan Pacific.

Off to Swensens at the airport we went.

My birthday ice cream :)
I'm still happy even though the ice cream is already melting.

And because I got too excited and can't wait to eat, I forgot to make a wish before blowing the candle!!! ARGH! But doesn't matter..hahah...my wish never comes true anyway..

Heee.... :D

End of storm

This should be a Merry Xmas entry, but I shall leave it aside first since I have yet to receive all my presents and hence, do not have photos to post up.

I'm really glad that the storm is over.

We had the worst dispute on my last night in Cardiff before I came back for Xmas. It was so bad that he was serious abt thinking of ending our relationship and said he will have to consider our relationship again. And I, was being driven more to more to saying "Fine. End it now, once and for all!"

I cried a lot because of the things he said and over why he wanted to make this crucial decision. I can understand if he was just disappointed, but I cannot accept him considering a break up because of something which wasn't my fault.

I know he doubted me. I know he was having thoughts that I lied. And that disappointed and hurt me tremendously because I never did. I told him every single truth. And I really thought he trusted me.

I wanted to leave for the coach station early because the thought of having to see him made my tears roll uncontrollably. But he still came to my room to help me with my luggage. The situation was very tense, until he suddenly hugged me and cried. His body was "shivering" and his eyes were so red. I knew he didn't sleep the entire night. I knew how sad he was from the way he was hugging me.

We had a short chat, but things were still slightly sore even though I finally talked. I still couldn't put it behind me and be cheerful the way he likes it. But I could see that he's really very sorry and sad. It touched me when he even came up to the coach, handed me a bottle of sprite and gave me a kiss on my forehead. I knew it was his way of trying of saying "Sorry". That bottle of Sprite was precious to me, and I hugged it to sleep when I dozed off in the coach.

He called me when I was at the airport and talked to me as he knew I would be bored waiting for hours. We could joke and laugh, but I still knew the wound hasn't healed for me. We got into a serious talk after a while, and it made me feel really bad when the call ended. It was the first time I told him that this dispute made me lose faith in our relationship and drastically disappointed in him.

I couldn't sleep much in the plane as I thought about us over and over again.

I missed him very badly. It was more than what I thought. And we had a webcam session when I was home. He was extremely happy and excited to see me. My poor boy looked terrible on the webcam. It was no wonder why his Mum kept asking if he was alright. His eyes looked so swollen. My mum was so curious at how he looked like and kept peeping. And was really curious about what we were chatting about too, especially when she saw us both laughing non stop.

And he called me in Singapore too! Had a good 25 mins chat with him...and I feel so much better now. The best thing is we have decided to close this issue and put it behind us. :)

Glad that it's finally over and I can start smiling again.

Suay to bits!

I wish I can slap her left right up down, and flush her down the toilet bowl. Fucking bitch!

I am so fed up of being kind enough to let her know that she has a letter to collect since she missed yesterday's lecture. Fair enough if she doesn't even say "Thank you", but a bloody fucked up black face was more than what I can bear.

My ears must have been failing me as I probably told her the wrong place to collect it, but it's not as if it was miles away that she had to travel extensively to get it. It was just at the bloody reception of where we were having lectures.

But I think I didn't deserve to be spoken to in such a rude tone..and worse..not even a polite "Hi" to begin with!

Bitch: Where's my letter?!?!
Me: Oh..I think it's at the reception.
Bitch: No, it isn't.
Guy: I think the lecturer left it with his secretary.
Bitch: *looks at me* You said it's at the reception!!!
Me: That's what I heard. Maybe I got it wrong.
Bitch: *ignores*

PIANGZ! I almost chided her in front of EVERYONE in the lift for her fucked up attitude. But I tolerated it, not because I didn't dare chide her, but because I still have one project and one attachment with her (yes, come on...remind me about how SUAY I am), and it's just not the best thing to do to make our rship (oh..like as if there was any to begin with) sore.

I am so tempted to change my group for placement. I can't imagine seeing her for another....BAH...kills me to think about it. How did I actually tolerate all that? This is like the dunno which time she has lost her temper at me for no reason.

I just dread this place soooooooooo much! I can't imagine living on here for another dunno how many years. Maybe Dad's right. Angmos who have never seen anywhere else in the world except miserable Angmo land will always think they are superior.

And that's it too. I shall NOT do her any more favours. To hell with her! That's it to our friendship as well. I had enough of her endless attitude.

Steamboat

My first in Cardiff. And it's home made. Cool huh?! (We had more food which couldn't fit into the pics)

It was an experience, but I don't think I want to do it again..or rather..not until a long time later. It takes too much time and effort to slice the meat into very thin slices, and the stuffs we have got aren't the most ideal items too. Limits of living abroad. Oh..and we managed to buy big prawns from Cardiff market at extorbitant prices..*rolls eyes*..but we're having a big crave for it..so oh well :)

And can't imagine having small arguments with him over one steamboat dinner. Treat it as a learning experience to accomodate each other, I suppose. He was grumbling that I'm opinionated and didn't understand why I had so much to say about everything while I'm grumbling about why he's so MCP.

I guess I see the differences between the types of food Singaporeans and Chinese go for. He loves having lamb and all types of animal organs, while I can only tolerate pig's liver. It was my first time cutting up kidneys and trying tripe. Tripe's not bad. Oh..and I tried lamb too. Wanted to try things which he loves, rather than just sitting there and giving him an odd stare as he gets excited over these. It was his first time trying fried fishballs too. He said he has never eaten fishballs before, and never knew what it was until he knew me....hahahaha.

I tried having coriander leaves mixed with hoisin sauce for the 1st time too. He said that's how people in China eats it, and although it did look gross, it tasted good. Was kinda afraid to put a mouthful into my mouth, so I was using my chopsticks to pick the leaves dipped in the sauce and then put it in. That tickled him. I must have looked silly.

But our soup tasted gross. It became quite thick, and had a smell which I reckon is the lamb. I didn't drink much of it at all.

I think we should just head to China China the next time we have a steamboat craving. Cheaper and much more convenient.

The evening ended sweet with dramas and ICE CREAM (he was laughing when I told him that my blood sugar is running low <------ it's my way of saying "I want to eat ice cream")

Can't wait for next week now. Hopefully the "thing" will arrive, and I'll be able to post pics of it up...hehehee...

King Kong

"King Kong" last night was fantastic and very touching. But it's so freaking long!!!

It was exciting watching how "King Kong Land" was like..haha...with dinosaurs and gigantic insects which were absolutely disgusting. I can't imagine seeing such large cockroaches, creepy crawlies crawling around...eeeks. Hhaha...imagine how girls who dread cockroaches will react when they watch giant ones around..and flying too!!! :P

Good thing they had no gigantic snakes...phew..

I think the actress is really pretty. Love the hairstyle. :)

But the ending was a bit hasty. Sad ending too, which got me quiet for a few minutes when the show ended...

Awaiting "Memoirs of Geisha". That's my next targetted movie..heheheheehe...

Have I made a mistake?

I don't know if I have. I want to keep making this mistake but at times, I wonder if I'm just refusing to face reality.

"My friend's right when he told me that being in a relationship is tiring"

My heart sank when I heard that. He explained what he meant, and said probably "tiring" shouldn't be the word. But I couldn't take anything else in. The word "tiring" kept appearing in my head and it has an effect on the amount of faith I have placed in our relationship.

I feel that I am trying to avoid talking about certain things to him. I try not to talk about next year, try not to talk about plans, try not to talk about the future, etc. I keep thinking that as long as I don't talk about it, I will feel happier, but at the same time, I know for the darn fact I'm just trying not to face what's coming up. Yes, I feel more and more insecure.

And many other things are trying to make me feel more insecure about the whole rship too.

Is there anything I can do to feel more secure, to feel that I haven't made a mistake, or even if I did, have greater courage to continue making this mistake?

Unreasonable me

I am very disappointed, but I am angry at myself for feeling this way. It's so childish of me.

Over the past weeks or so, I have been wondering why I have changed in some ways, without myself realising it. I rarely feel jealous abt anything, rarely demand for anything and haven't felt disappointed over trivial matters for a long time. And all these sometimes make me wonder if I am normal.

About 2 weeks ago, he pinned up 2 photos on his empty noticeboard. It was his and his cousin's. When I saw him pinned them up, I felt something. I knew I felt jealous...jealous because why is it his cousin's pic being displayed while mine's just somewhere in the computer?

Me: I feel jealous. You know what? If someone comes into your room, he/she might think she's your gf.
CG: Are u crazy? She's my cousin. What's there to be jealous?!
Me: I'm just kidding

...when I'm not, actually. I was indeed jealous and I did feel very uncomfortable the entire evening. I only felt slightly better when he asked me to print one of my pics which he likes very much, so that he can pin it up too. I was angry at myself as well..because I was being unreasonable for feeling jealous over nothing. It's not as if I didn't know that he loves his cousin very very much. Besides, she doesn't even have anything against me..why should I be feeling this way?

On Sunday, Guanting and Ivan came to Cardiff and I had to go to the train station to meet them. I was quite excited, and want so much to introduce CG to them. And because they were gonna arrive at 12.30am, I will have to walk to the station alone after midnight. It's not as if it's the 1st time I am out walking at late hours alone in Cardiff, but that night, I felt disappointed because he refused to go with me, despite me asking him a few times. His instant refusal made me quite sad. I really wish my bf can mix with my friends and get along well with them, but none of the guys I have gone out with are like that. I never understand why. And to be honest, I would be very very very very much more disappointed if he didn't even bother to make an effort to even say "Hi" to the both of them before they leave. But fortunately, he felt guilty on the last evening and decided to go see them and say "Hi" despite being quite reluctant initially.

Today, I got disappointed over trivial matters. I have been thinking about eating ice cream for many days, and have been trying to find an opportunity to do so, but no one seems to know how badly I want it. Over the past few days, I have been mentioning ice cream again and again to CG, but I don't think he paid much attention to my hint. I pestered him with my ice cream craving again today and told him I really want to go out for a slow walk with him after our ice cream trip. He finally said "Ok" and said we'll go at 9pm as he reckon he'll finish his assignment by then. But he took ages. And forgot the time. When he realised I have been really quiet, it was then he realised it's already 9.40pm..and it was too late to go for ice cream since the dessert place closes at 10. I couldn't described how I felt that moment.

Decided to stop being a baby, and since we haven't had dinner, I went to heat up the packet of roasted duck rice I bought the night before and brought a tub of ice cream (since can't have ice cream outside..the only way is to have ice cream in the room) to his room. I thought at least we can happily eat that tub of ice cream. I waited and waited, until I have given up. As I watched the hours pass, I just got more and more disappointed and irritated too. Helped him with his assignments, but because we have clashing opinions and we had difficulty making each other understand our point due to slight language problem, I started getting very irritated.
I knew I might end up losing my temper, so I decided to let him do it himself while I continue studying. I was already quite upset, and got more upset when I saw him chatting happily with his girl pal online. I was upset because I have waited for him to finish his assignment for days, especially tonight when I purposely took the effort to stay in his room to revise and patiently wait for him to say "Let's go for ice cream now".

I didn't want to hear the typing sounds because I didn't want to know that he's chatting while doing his assignment. So I blasted music using the Ipod, but I still couldn't help feeling pissed.

Decided to pack my stuff and go back to my room, and I left without really saying much.
I guess I felt so disappointed because I seldom ask for something, and when I do, it means I really want it and will hope I get to carry it out..but don't get to do so. Then again, it's not his fault. I'm just not understanding enough...

I shall go to bed now and maybe I'll feel much better when I wake up..I hope.

Rotting in CG's room last night was quite fun. He was doing his work, while I was nuaing everywhere as usual. And when he saw that I was growing fungi on myself, he asked me to surf Cambridge's webby to find a good college for him to apply to. It made me jump with joy cos there's finally something I get to do. And I got to chat with his friend, Piglet, too. It was interesting surfing through the various colleges in Cambridge. Finally have selected a few which he thinks looks not bad too. Sigh..hopefully he'll be accepted. I particularly like Darwin College since it's a postgrad college, and I am thinking that the PG students will at least be more civilised. Yes, even though it's Cambridge, undergrads will still be undergrads, living a life of getting drunk all day long, not to mention that Cambridge is a much more boring place than Cardiff.

We chatted for many hours and only dozed off when the sun rose this morning. Goodness. He told me many things, which made me understand him more. And it was sweet having his reassurance over many issues. I was happy to see the tentative plans he is making. The plans might not go the way we want it to, but at least I am glad he thought about them and thinking about back ups.

Shall shoo off to the supermarket with CG later to buy some food cos Guanting and Ivan will be coming late tonight (if they're not stuck without a train ticket).

Kinda excited that I'll be seeing a familiar face either tonight or tomorrow. Gonna make her tell me how she screw up her Europe trip...hahahaha. I bet she must really have had an experience over the past few days.

Room's in a drastic mess, and it's gonna be spring cleaning time later. My books are everywhere, and so are random pieces of paper and lecture notes...

Need to get my application filled in for Elective later too, and maybe..revise? I'm already in holiday mood. Bah! Can't imagine everyone else except Medics are having their last week of semester next week. Pui!

But I'm looking forward to next weekend!!! :P There's suppose to be surprise...hmm...I wonder what it is..

My Saturday

I went shopping with him today and we ended up being not very happy. But after telling him what was going through my mind, I felt slightly better and perhaps..this would make him understand me more.

He's always grumbling about me not wearing enough to cope with the Winter chills, and am always asking me why I'm not wearing more. I rarely wear any sweaters here, partly because I don't have any which I can call my own. They're either Dad's or Mum's. And after being with him, I'm getting more and more conscious of what I'm wearing. It hasn't changed very much, but I do find myself looking into the mirror more and more, and spending more time trying to make myself look less chin chai than I normally look.

I can't help thinking about how the girls around him dress. I really want to dress like them too, rather than being my usual plain jane. Who doesn't wanna look pretty? But how much do I have to spend in order to do so? I can't afford to just walk into Zara and buy clothes just because I like it. I always have to think again and again if I really do need it, or is it something worth spending on.

CG: Are u always like that?! I don't understand why u're really troublesome when we go shopping. If you like something, just buy it. Why do u always end up putting it back or end up going to all the shops in the whole city centre before deciding to go back to the same store?
Me: Yes, I'm always like that. I rarely buy anything for myself.
CG: But why?! You don't look happy one bit at all just now, did you know? What are u thinking about? You can't afford it?
Me: I can afford those we saw, but I don't like it. I don't want to spend 20 pounds just on a sweater when I don't even think it looks any bit special. I don't want to make u unhappy when we go shopping too...and because of that, I find it really difficult. I only buy things here when I really need it. The clothes u want me to wear, I love it, but I cannot just swipe my card because I might not wear them all the time. And some which u like and it's of an affordable price, I do not like them. Yet, I dare not say much because I do not want to make u angry. And if I buy it unwillingly, it's just to please u, but it doesn't make me happy one bit at all. Do you know how I feel?

5 mins later..

CG: I think I understand how u feel now..
Me: You know, u're the first person who makes me more aware of how plain I am. I want to dress like your girl friends, look pretty like them and look good next to you, but I don't have what it takes. I can't afford to just buy things without thinking much. I don't look as good as them even if I dress up because they got the height, looks and figure..I don't. I'm just me, plain unattractive me. I can't be as good and I feel really crap whenever I think about it. You don't know that, right?

And I just went back to my flat to cook dinner. He must have saw my eyes turning red when I said all that.

Wasn't in the mood to prepare dinner for us. But because I have promised to be a good "wife" tonight, I had to make dinner.

It was my first attempt at making Nasi Lemak. I was expecting it to turn out really crap since I have totally lost my mood to cook. But fortunately, it didn't turn out disastrous. CG loved it very much. He kept saying it was delicious, but I think it doesn't as good as those in the hawkers. Yeah..I set really high standards for my cooking. Can't get pandan leaves here, so the rice wasn't as fragrant that it should be. Anyway, am glad he enjoyed dinner, and finished everything up. He was even tempted to finish what I couldn't on my plate.

Told him I'll try making Teochew Fish Porridge for him one day and he's eagerly looking forward to it.

Shall go to his place and read Harry Potter until he decides to go to sleep.

Shit manz...:(

Just came back from Psychiatry OSCE. Ahhh...

Am absolutely in no mood to have fun. The exam ruined it for me...no..it's not the exam's fault..it's mine.

The OSCE stations wasn't difficult, but it's just me who screwed it up by saying the craziest things. I didn't even know what I was talking about to the "patients". Can't blame anyone except myself for not being calm enough. And it feels more dreadful because I know those things perfectly well, and there was no reason to why I can get them wrong or even mixed up! I really underperformed this time. Way off standard.

Tears were rolling after I was locked up in the lecture theatre. It's really embarrassing to be weeping in front of my coursemates, and it was a good thing I managed to get away from them before I started crying. Felt so lost and wished it was a nightmare I would wake up from. Nasty thoughts started streaming through again. I needed someone next to me..I need a comforting hug.

I don't know if I'll pass this one. Even though I'll have other OSCEs in future to help pull up the score (as long as I don't screw it up again), I am still hoping very hard that I get a 50% this time round.

It's damn pathetic being a medical student. It's difficult to make ANYONE believe how shit we feel, when most people are just blinded by the prestige we're getting and mistaking us to be extreme high-flyers since we're sorta considered the "creme of the crop".

My coursemates were discussing about the applicants to medical school since some of them will be interviewing students who are awaiting entrance into this course. We were talking about the grades these students have got...almost all of them have never seen anything below an A grade in their entire education life..and having a B on the grades section was like the worst thing that would shine right into your face and mar your entire application. And then we went on talking about our reaction when we enter medical school, only to realise that failing was ever possible for supposedly high-flyers like us and it's so COMMON.

It is traumatising, and difficult to cope, and it's really sad telling your peers from other courses (apart from Dentistry) that u have got resits, or gotta retake the year when they are all worried about not getting the 1st class honours. It's demoralising to know that you only aim to get pathetic 50% while others are aiming for As. And your peers might even think you're joking if u ever say u only want 50% or tell them u failed an exam. No one understands.

With these going on, it's no wonder why my personal tutor told me that shit loads of medical students and doctors get depression. Who wouldn't manz...sigh..

I feel so depressed now. Can someone cheer me up please? Anyone will do..

A while more..

Counting down to the dreadful exam, which also means counting down to my next round of intensive fun.

Have no idea what I'm gonna do though. I'm pretty excited that it's going to be over soon, but I guess I'm more preoccupied with the exam jitters than anything else now.

Felt quite stress yesterday. And that aggravated the flu I'm having at the moment *cough cough*. Had a bad headache which resulted in me dozing off for 2 hours when I should be studying myself crazy. Not to mention that cough that got my chest hurting quite badly.

Had a read through the OSCEs again. Somehow, I feel that I am kinda prepared and I have already read the entire textbook like 4 times already. But why am I still worried? I really need confidence boosters again.

Been terribly bored during lectures..or rather in school. I rarely talk to anyone, and even someone I deem as a friend doesn't even take me like one anymore. Very disappointing, but I have tried my best, brood enough over it too..and now it's time I just leave it aside and try to not let it affect me. Have been constantly telling myself.."Just less than 4 years left Michelle...and u won't have to see them again..". I know it's dreadfully long, but there's nothing else better I can tell myself apart from that.

I haven't been keeping up with the dates. Have been getting reminders about friends' birthdays, and still at times, I completely forgot abt it. Kinda guilty. And I must apologise to those few people whom I have forgotten to even mention "Happy Birthday" to. Sorry..

Honestly speaking, I have no idea what the exact date it is today..6th? Remember it's someone's bday on the 7th.

To you know who u are, "Happy Birthday to you" if u happen to chance upon this. :)

Self-reflection

I haven't been good despite being told patiently to be. And I do feel guilty about it.

My boy made delicious dinner for me last night. Pig's liver, fried pasta, and milk congee. Pig's liver because I needed iron since it's the time of the month. Milk congee because I'm ill and it's nutritious. It was his first time making those things, and it was my first time trying milk congee. It tasted like Quaker Oats, except it was rice instead of oats. The thought of it is gross, but it was quite nice after putting sugar into it. I didn't eat much at all, not because the food wasn't nice, but because I wasn't feel well.

I have been horrible for not realising that his gastritis was acting up throughout the night, and he did not tell me so that I will not worry and let him prepare dinner. I only realise it when he started popping pills again after dinner and was sweating.

Then later in the evening, my fever started again, and he came to see me. He looked like he was in worst state than me, but told me he was alright. He made sure I ate all my medicine again, put me to sleep and covered me with layers of blanket. I should have just let him go back and sleep, but I asked if he could stay till I dozed off, which he agreed. And I forgot completely that his tummy was still hurting.

He refused to let me take the blankets away and even turned up the heater to its max because he wanted me to sweat everything out. It was the fastest way to get well, but I felt so uncomfortable that I started feeling agitated and kept kicking blankets away. And each time I do so, he'll cover me up again.

Me: Can you please take the blankets away? Please...
CG: I will do so after u are sweating. I don't want you to fall really ill.
Me: But I'm very stuffed up...it's torturing.
CG: I know. I am feeling very hot too. Why do u think I am still wearing my sweater when I'm sweating like crazy here?
Me: *touches his forehead* You're sweating. Take your sweater off.
CG: No. I know you're feeling terrible because you're ill. I know you are having a hard time, and cursing at me for wrapping you up when u're hot. I just want to go through it with you.

I felt guilty for a moment, but being rebellious me, I kicked the blankets away after a while again.

He went back before I dozed off. I think he was disappointed, even though he claimed he was not. I wonder how is he now. I'm worried.

Good thing is I am feeling much better now. I hope my fever won't start up again. Shall go and check if he's ok now.

The execution was really carried out. I thought at the 11th hour, his sentence will be changed, and was praying for that miracle to happen. But I was disappointed, and when I read articles saying that the boy is dead, I cried. I felt so emotionally involved that I decided to go down to look for CG. Another reason to why I went down was because he's been darn quiet the entire day, and I was worried he's unhappy as we had a quarrel the night before.

Glad he's not angry and doesn't put it to heart anymore. And we're gonna put it behind us.

I was surprised when he got quite worked up over hearing the news that Nguyen is dead. I thought he wouldn't feel anything, but he surprised me with the way he reacted. And he started making comments about this case. I didn't think he would feel anything for anyone unrelated to him, and I was worried I'll end up being with someone like that. He was reading articles on the case with me too.

Anyway, I was given 2 surprises when I went to his room. My long-awaited Ferrero Rocher. And a tub of Haagan Daaz ice cream. It wasn't chocolate, but strawberry cheesecake. It's my 1st time trying this flavour. I guess chocolate flavours was not available, so he got this one instead. He knows I love chocolate.

Me: Why the surprise? Is it because you're worried I'm still angry over last night's quarrel and wanna make up for it?
CG: No. We quarrelled, and we were both angry yesterday. But I still love you, so why can't I buy things for you?
Me: Oh. I thought you wanted to make up.
CG: When you quarrel with your parents, they are angry with you. But they still love you, don't they?
Me: Yes.
CG: It's the same for me. Even if we didn't quarrel, I would have still bought these for you.
Me: *smiles*
CG: Whenever we go to the supermarket, I see the excitement you get while choosing ice cream. But you're always buying the cheaper ones when I know you want very much to buy the more expensive ones. So I decided to buy it for you. Hey, why do you always buy the cheaper things, but end up spending so much money on groceries?
Me: Hahaha..I have no idea too.

Sweet isn't it?

I was happily indulging in the tub of ice cream, while he was doing his work and talking to me. And I finished the whole tub and was beaming away :P

Watched a few vcds together before going to bed.

And I woke up in the middle of the night feeling very uncomfortable. Tossed and turned and kept kicking the blanket away. I had no idea what's wrong with me. I felt really "hot", and my throat hurts like mad. Decided to go back to my room and sleep instead.

I had a bad night. I didn't sleep well, and got up several times. And was running a slight fever.

CG came over to see me, made sure I took my medicine, and insisted I sleep more. I did doze off in his arms eventually. :)

The fever has subsided, but my throat still hurts, and I still don't feel my best. Good thing he's cooking dinner for us tonight, so I don't have to get my ass to the kitchen. Pig's liver tonight. And what else..hmm. I wonder if he's really gonna cook porridge like what he claims just now. Hmm..

A brotherly love never to be forgotten

Heart wrenching news, which made my tears roll each time I read an article about it.

Behind the sentence which will not allow him to ever see the sunshine again, is a brotherly love never to be forgotten.

Looking around, I sometimes wonder if humans do feel anything for one another. And if this world was just a cold, scary and superficial place to be in. I would ponder about how weak and brittle relationships between people are, and apart from unconditional parental love, is there something just as genuine which exists?

I was terribly saddened to hear that the poor 25 yr old will be hung in a few hours' time. Although he did a major fault, the risk he had to undertake and was willing to undertake just to save his brother touched me.

Hearing the reason to why he had to courier drugs, made me feel terribly ashamed of the kind of the ties my relatives have for one another. Family politics. I can't imagine these people calling themselves "Family" in the first place. For Nguyen's case, that is what I call "Family"..that's what I call "Love between siblings".

I know it's certain that this guy will not live past the hour set for his hanging, but somehow, I'm still praying for a miracle to happen.

Phew...

My flatmate was having some problems with her new laptop after she installed some softwares she borrowed from me, and told me if I'm alright to have a look at it.

I know she won't kill me for lending her those softwares and getting her laptop screwed up as a result. But I felt terribly guilty about it, and had to try to get it back to its original form by hook or by crook for her.

Being horrid at computers myself, I went surfing around to find a solution for the problem, but had no idea why this was happening, and started scolding myself for being kpo by volunteering to lend her my softwares when she actually thought of buying it. I was just trying to be kind, and got myself into trouble instead. Manz, why does this always happen to me. I'm darn suay.

Kinda panicked and msged CG. I was really desperate for some support since I was very scared and worried. I didn't want to disappoint Lucy. Was really grateful that he threw his work aside and came up to look for me, helped me with the laptop and accompanied me throughout.

We spent some time, and finally got it all done. Am so happy now.

CG: Why are u trying to repair her laptop when u have no idea what's the problem?
Me: I have to try. It's because of the softwares she borrowed from me which made her laptop get into trouble. I don't think I corrupted her laptop, but somehow, I still think it's my fault.
CG: Even if it is, it's her who wanted to borrow and install. Why do u bother?
Me: Cos it's my softwares. No matter what, I have to help her get it back into its original form.
CG: I told you not to always help others. It doesn't pay to always be kind.
Me: I know. I hate myself for getting into trouble all the time this way too. But how can I not bother when I know she's in trouble?
CG: Sigh..that's the problem with u!

Sigh.

Anyway, returned the "brand new" laptop to Lucy and she was OVERJOYED! Gave me a really big hug too. She was so grateful for us saving her laptop, but manz...I don't think I deserved it. Still feeling guilty, but at least I have brought her laptop back to life again. What a relief.... :)