My Saturday

I went shopping with him today and we ended up being not very happy. But after telling him what was going through my mind, I felt slightly better and perhaps..this would make him understand me more.

He's always grumbling about me not wearing enough to cope with the Winter chills, and am always asking me why I'm not wearing more. I rarely wear any sweaters here, partly because I don't have any which I can call my own. They're either Dad's or Mum's. And after being with him, I'm getting more and more conscious of what I'm wearing. It hasn't changed very much, but I do find myself looking into the mirror more and more, and spending more time trying to make myself look less chin chai than I normally look.

I can't help thinking about how the girls around him dress. I really want to dress like them too, rather than being my usual plain jane. Who doesn't wanna look pretty? But how much do I have to spend in order to do so? I can't afford to just walk into Zara and buy clothes just because I like it. I always have to think again and again if I really do need it, or is it something worth spending on.

CG: Are u always like that?! I don't understand why u're really troublesome when we go shopping. If you like something, just buy it. Why do u always end up putting it back or end up going to all the shops in the whole city centre before deciding to go back to the same store?
Me: Yes, I'm always like that. I rarely buy anything for myself.
CG: But why?! You don't look happy one bit at all just now, did you know? What are u thinking about? You can't afford it?
Me: I can afford those we saw, but I don't like it. I don't want to spend 20 pounds just on a sweater when I don't even think it looks any bit special. I don't want to make u unhappy when we go shopping too...and because of that, I find it really difficult. I only buy things here when I really need it. The clothes u want me to wear, I love it, but I cannot just swipe my card because I might not wear them all the time. And some which u like and it's of an affordable price, I do not like them. Yet, I dare not say much because I do not want to make u angry. And if I buy it unwillingly, it's just to please u, but it doesn't make me happy one bit at all. Do you know how I feel?

5 mins later..

CG: I think I understand how u feel now..
Me: You know, u're the first person who makes me more aware of how plain I am. I want to dress like your girl friends, look pretty like them and look good next to you, but I don't have what it takes. I can't afford to just buy things without thinking much. I don't look as good as them even if I dress up because they got the height, looks and figure..I don't. I'm just me, plain unattractive me. I can't be as good and I feel really crap whenever I think about it. You don't know that, right?

And I just went back to my flat to cook dinner. He must have saw my eyes turning red when I said all that.

Wasn't in the mood to prepare dinner for us. But because I have promised to be a good "wife" tonight, I had to make dinner.

It was my first attempt at making Nasi Lemak. I was expecting it to turn out really crap since I have totally lost my mood to cook. But fortunately, it didn't turn out disastrous. CG loved it very much. He kept saying it was delicious, but I think it doesn't as good as those in the hawkers. Yeah..I set really high standards for my cooking. Can't get pandan leaves here, so the rice wasn't as fragrant that it should be. Anyway, am glad he enjoyed dinner, and finished everything up. He was even tempted to finish what I couldn't on my plate.

Told him I'll try making Teochew Fish Porridge for him one day and he's eagerly looking forward to it.

Shall go to his place and read Harry Potter until he decides to go to sleep.