"Those eyes are not smiling today, Michelle"

Maybe. *shrugs*

I didn't know my eyes smile..never did.

But I'm glad my bf and I are fine now. As loving as ever.

Do I have to even control my tears rolling in front of u? Does it mean being attached to you, means I have also lost my privilege to cry when u just said something which reminded me instantly of something I don't wish to remember?

My past is something u don't know, and don't wish to know either. I can't talk about it because u hate it. I can't cry when u remind me of it when it hurts me just as much now, just because u think it's the past and I should not bother. But is it that easy? Why would I make myself cry if it isn't hurting me at all?

And when I refuse to tell u that what u said reminded me of what I don't wish to remember, you get angry at me, and thought I cried because of what u said and walked out on me. That doesn't help at all. I just want a silent hug from you.

"I really hate your past!"

Do u think I like it? But what can I do about it? Maybe Darren was right, u can never accept me for who I am. Yes, NEVER. It will always be something existing.

"Change that pic on your msn"

Maybe that photo meant nothing to you, but I love it nonetheless. And that sudden message from u hurts tremendously. You don't even see or even feel the joy I felt when I put that pic up, despite people thinking we got shingles or comment that it looks ugly. I ignored my Mum when she advised me to take it off too.

"I'm in a bad mood. I think u're quite troublesome"

What more can I say to this u just said?

I feel terribly shit now, in a shock, lost, confused..and the list goes on.

I do crave for some hugs and I'm pissed abt knowing that NOTHING...yes NOTHING in medicine (or life if u like it) is fair. And exams are just rubbish and useless and not a gauge of how well u r doing, and sadly, all that affects how u're gonna get a job and how others see u.

My grades for Paediatrics didn't go well, and I have absolutely no idea why. I am darn sure I DID WELL for it, and I normally know when I'm totally rubbish (like in Psych). It's scaring me now because I'm so worried I won't make it to the end when medical school is eagering trying to kick people out.

I'm so losing confidence in myself after this.

And it is affecting me such that I feel so sick about going to the wards in the afternoon. I know I have to just ignore it and get on with what I have to do, but I honestly feel like having a good cry and go to sleep, and that's something I don't want anyone here to know. (but my tears are abt to roll out anytime now)

It's always at times like this that I start thinking "I do hate medicine lots. To hell with it!"

I'M BACK IN CARDIFF!!!!!

Wah liew..that joy I felt earlier on was indescribable. Seeing my bf walking quickly to the train station, I happily carried my heavy bags and ran like a baby to him. He was really delighted to see me, and his kiss just makes the start of my evening wonderful. I love him to bits..

My Consultant's really nice, but it's a pity I'll be moving on to another team with a different Consultant next week. I heard from my friend he's lovely too, so shall see :) Anyway, my Consultant was kind enough to take me up to Clinic in another hospital far far away today and along the way to the hospital, she had a chat with me in the car about my career plans and sorta gave me a tour around the place. Scenery in that area is beautiful, but it's a pity I don't have a car, or else I'll be so willing to drive up with my boy for a short holiday there whenever time's available.

My Consultant asked me if I wanted to go out and have a walk with her during lunchtime, so we took a short stroll. Saw the beach today and the view is just like that of a painting. Trust me, it IS unbelievable. Dad would love to see it, I bet. And it'll be so cool to own one of the houses on the hill overlooking it.

Anyway, I was impressed when my Consultant said she can introduce me to her colleague who is an expert in Chest Medicine, when she heard that I have an interest in Internal Medicine. Isn't that cool?!

And she so kindly drove me to the train station this evening to let me catch a train back to Cardiff too.

Shall have a great evening tonight. Hehehee...

Ok.

Termination clinic was interesting, but very emotional. Quite a few mums actually broke down as they were told about the risks and procedures of termination. And woah..so of them are even younger than my brother! It was amazing to see how many young girls actually have children who are old enough to walk too.

I guess the most shitty thing about the session was how the doctor got/asked the mum to see the baby's heart beating via the ultrasound scanning. I mean...if u're adamant about getting rid of it, would u actually wanna confuse yourself all over again after looking at the fetus? I suppose that's how they are trying to put mums off with the termination and go "Hey, I think I shall just give my baby a chance". But come on, to be fair, u wouldn't expect an 18 yr old who is not financially capable to have a child would u? It's gonna be harsh for her and for the poor baby too.

Went to EarlY Pregnancy Asessment Unit this morning, and it was pretty cool. There was a lady who got non-identical twins, and boy was she delighted and shocked. Then, there was another who is trying so hard to conceive, but unfortunately she's got a miscarriage again. And being 39 y.o., u can imagine how pressed for time she is to have a baby.

Good bits abt the hospital here is that the staff are all very friendly. Loads of Indians here, and it's through them I get to see the reason why they are all leaving India for jobs and training in all parts of the world and also get the understand how their medical system is like.

It's really nice and welcoming to have ppl talking to u in hospital, but because I've got bad experiences with Arabs and Indians, I tend to make sure I keep a distance from them despite talking quite a bit. And one of them even asked me "So..do u have friends here to go out with?" and quite insistent of finding out why I want to go back to Cardiff every weekend. It sounds dodgy huh? But I shall just take it that doctors are just trained to be nosy in every detail, so...hehe.

Off to Clinical Governance in a bit. I wonder what's that all abt, but sure does sound boring. But who knows..I might just learn something interesting in there. Sigh, just realised that I learn/concentrate so much better if I'm the only student sitting in or moving around with a doctor.

AND YES! TOMORROW I WILL SEE HIM AGAIN!!!!! Can't wait!

This is fantastic!

I witnessed the natural birth of a baby for the first time!!!!! It was a pretty long wait, git it's all worth it as I saw how the baby was delivered. It's amazing how nature works, and I salute Mums who can actually make themselves go through this. Manz, the guys really got to love their wives more for the amount of pain she has to put herself through just to bear him a child.

I was so happy and excited when I saw the tip of the head, and actually cried. I was more excited than the parents, and the midwife was laughing at how my eyes were going really red and tears rolling.

As I watched the whole process and how her husband was standing by her throughout, I wish I was in her position, trying my best to bear my hubby a child and watching him cuddling him/her dearly and happily. But the pain...erm..... Contradiction.

Her parents have gave the baby a name, but I'm not sure if they are gonna change it. She's called E.L. when I asked, so I shall just remember that as the baby's name.

So...

E.L, born 11/4/06 at 11.52am UK time. :)

Will be attending a clinic of the other end of the spectrum this afternoon though. Termination Clinic. I wonder what it'll be like.

And oh...period is here!!!! Finally peace of mind.

I wanna go back to Cardiff!!!!

It was pretty torturing for me yesterday having to endure the long ride to Pembrokeshire. Finally moved into the cottage, but all I am hoping for is to get back to Cardiff.

I appreciate the wonderful effort of the undergrad staff finding accomodation for us in a wonderful cottage, but being a city girl and having no car, it's a nightmare for me to live in a farm. The cottage would be great if I'm just here for placement, but the fact that I've got numerous exams coming up, makes this isn't much of a holiday. Also, the cottage isn't the most conducive place to study because I haven't got a study table in my room, and I don't wish to be studying with my other coursemates using the kitchen table. I like being alone when I'm revising, in an environment I can call my own and am familiar with.

I woke up several times last night too because my room's freezing cold. Felt weird sleeping alone and I don't like the feeling too. Missed my boy so much last night that each time he called, my tears just rolled and rolled continuously. I feel like a complete baby and I never knew I would be this weak in a situation like this. I want so much to just hang onto the phone and keep it there the entire night, but we've got limited talk time, and I definitely don't want his bills to start shooting sky high again.

I'll try to overcome this no matter what. Like what Dad said,a doctor's gotta be adaptable to even the most harsh environment. Ok. I know this isn't in some jungle, but it's shit enough for me to have to think about my meal, transport, money and studies every week and making sure everything is planned out nicely before I start shitting myself. That is STRESS, when it is so darn unecessary if I'm left in somewhere easier to get around, like Swansea.

Few more nights alone before I shoo back to Cardiff for a good few days. At least I'm sure I'll feel better having my boy with me and revising in a familiar environment. I'll rather spend a few hrs a week commuting between here and Cardiff every week (and sleeping on the way) for finding my mental support and allowing myself to have a short break abt my constant worrying here. And not to forget, proper place to revise.

I'm feeling shitty this morning, because I'll be leaving Cardiff in a few hrs' time. I am really unwilling to go, and it's so unexpected about the way I feel. I thought I wouldn't feel much except being sianz to be in a ulu place with nothing but nature (i'm not a nature fan btw..im an urban girl).

I should be excited abt my 1st stay in a cottage, something I've always dreamt of experiencing while in Wales, but I can't. I'm gonna live with my coursemates whom I do not know well at all. I can make friends yada yada..but it's just different (or perhaps I'm just picky).

It's only a few days before I get to see my boy again since he promised to go and look for me, yet I feel terrible inside. I'm so used to having him next to me that I find it so uncomfortable that he's not by my side this time. I have been so used being left alone and ignored for years, and by right, I should be able to adapt to the same situation again, but I'm so afraid to go back to such scenarios again, and this time, I won't have anyone to give me a consoling hug/kiss and a shoulder to cry on, now that I have to be this far away. And the thought that after Easter, I wont see him for another dunno how many weeks puts me off completely.

I cried several times last night because of this. The fears I've got just scares me, and I tried telling myself that I'm thinking too much. However, I have to admit my insecurity and fears. And now that my major exams are coming, I know I need more mental and emotional support than ever.

I have no idea how to speak out abt my fears. It would be much easier if I could.

Watching my boy happily tucked under my duvet and sleeping soundly makes me more sad than ever. Although it feels restrictive having him sleep beside me every night, I can't imagine a night without him being there. I've grown so much more sensitive to how cold my bed has become whenever he isn't around. And I wonder if I'll get the same feeling when I'm there.

I'll be looking forward to chatting with him on the phone every night and to see him during Easter. But at the same time, I hope I'll be kept busy with revision that I wont have time to feel lonely or depressed. I'm praying hard to be strong because I need to. Badly.

I'm feeling terribly stressed at the moment because of several issues and I hope things will get better as it goes along. Please.

Menses not here yet and it's freaking me out. And we all know that stress is gonna delay it even longer. Plus I'm getting more and more paranoid. Gosh, I have to put my fears to an end. I don't wanna be freaking myself out when the date's abt to be due. I hope it comes soon.

Exams. Weeks before it's coming, and I have no idea how I'm gonna cope with studying a whole new Obs & Gynae with 9 other specialties. And how shit can this exam timetable ever get? Having my last block exam on a Friday and then having my major exam starting on the following Monday?! Are they mad or what?

That's just gonna mean no more going back to Cardiff for me (probably only once in the next few weeks away), and I will have to rely on my bf coming to see me during Easter for a few pathetic days. It's not cheap for him to go to the cottage to see me, and it's freaking far away too. Now I'm seriously wondering if I should let him come see me, but he seems very adamant abt going over to spend a few days with me (studying) since he isn't gonna see me for weeks. And yes, no webcams, no internet out of hospital hrs too. The phone's the only source of contact.

Leaving for that place tmr, and I'm feeling utterly sianz abt it. The accom. looks tempting, but the journey there is HECTIC. Imagine 4 hours on the coach! Plus dunno how long to get to that inaccessible place. Called up taxi companies in that place in Wales and they haven't even heard of the holiday cottage the hospital booked!!!!! And even told me to find directions there myself since the driver will expect ME to know how to get there (WTF?!?!?!?). I haven't got a single clue on how I'm gonna find my way to the ulu cottage, but I'm certaining praying super hard that things will go smooth for me.

This is so irritating. I wonder why my uni has to give me unnecessary stress for no reason. It's also NOT CHEAP to get there. The taxi company told me it will cost me about 30 pounds (i made an assumption that it's abt 10 miles from the main bus station in that place in Wales to the ulu cottage). How shit is that?! 90 sgd for approx 16km?!??!?! And it doesn't feel any better to know that uni isn't gonna reimburse travel expenses to us because we are OVERSEAS students!!!!!

Wah liew...do they think our parents own gold mines? With the extorbitant tuition fees we're paying, is the uni that poor to even give us this incentive? Why not raise the angmo's fees then?! Their parents are definitely more wealthy than mine, since most of them have parents who are Consultants here. 2 months of their salary is enough to pay for my entire yr's tuition fees, mind u. If you're curious about how much I pay for my fees alone here for a year....it's 19 times the fees of my angmo classmate. Whenever I think abt this, I can only blame myself for not trying hard enuff to get to NUS medicine or to go somewhere else cheaper.

FUCK!!!

I shall just console myself that my boy's trying his best to cheer me up by cooking fish for me tonight for dinner. It hurts him to see me feeling very stressed up and extremely tired over the past few weeks. And even steamboat last night didn't tempt me to eat my usual amount too. I'm guilty for ruining his mood, but these problems are just making me lose my appetite. I should appreciate his effort for taking me to the movies since I was feeling low. Watched Ice Age 2 and it was hilarious. I was laughing a lot during the movie, and it did make me feel better a couple of hours.

Better be off to do some reading. Hmm....I can smell the food from the kitchen now...I wonder how the fish will taste...

I think it's time I try to lose some weight.

Yup, go on and open your eyes really BIG and stare at me. Laugh at me, cry, smack my face, pinch my ass..wateva. But yes, I'm seriously thinking about losing weight now.

And I'm very not surprised if u go "No, u can't do it Michelle. U're a born pig. Trust me" because not only my own bf thinks I'll be saying "I think I need to go on a diet" 10 years later till I get too shy to even mention it ever again (since I'll always fail to do so), even I am doubting myself! BAH!

But it's really getting a bit too much for me to accept now, for the fact that my tummy IS protruding. Was looking into my own side view in the middle, and I DO LOOK PREGNANT-LIKE. My boy got a shock too, and it did scare him for a few seconds. I'm probably gonna look like an adult with Coeliac Disease if I continue eating the amount I am eating now.

You won't believe the amount that is going down my throat during meals. I not only scare angmos, but also my bf and he claims that I'm the 1st girl he knows who eats like there's no tomorrow.

And this entire week, we've been having the best dinners ever, which obviously is gonna add to my spare tyre:
Mon - Macaroni soup + Chix Wings + Fish Fingers + Beef burgers
Tue - Steak
Wed - Laksa + Macaroni Soup
Thurs - Spag Bolognese + Chix Wings + Coleslaw
Tomorrow - Steamboat

I must try to think of a way to deal with this, but gosh, I love my food, or rather, it's the only thing that keeps me alive and awake here (not that the food here is great..).

I wonder what's my current weight.

Sheesh..I'm soooo sleepy...and I got lectures for the entire day today..

Still got an hr before the next lecture starts, and all I am thinking abt is to tuck myself happily and comfortably under the duvet and snore.

Doesn't help when I heard darling's sleepy voice and his "I am lying down on my bed talking to u". Makes me wanna sleep more than ever.

I'm getting insomnia again, and it's all because I sleep at the craziest hours. I either sleep straight after school or after dinner, and once I doze off, I don't actually wake up till 3 hours later! Long nap huh? Yah..and I don't feel sleepy the entire night, before dozing off again at probably around 5am.

Had a look at the cottage I'll be staying in for my next placement. Damn cool manz! It's 4 stars! Although I'm feeling sianz abt the travelling there, but hopefully it'll be fun and I won't be feeling too alone when my boy comes to join me for a short time just to spend my miserably pathetic extremely short Easter holiday. Not sure if my coursemates who are living with me will be going back home for that few days....lol..but I do hope they will, so that I can have the whole cottage to myself...muahahaha.

Shall log off now and head to the library for a bit. Maybe do some pathetic reading for a while too.

Can't wait to have my steak dinner tonight. Ok, actually I'm just looking forward to seeing him that's all. Wanna sleep rather than eat now. *yawnz*

I am in a total holiday mood even though the next battle starts again on Monday...FFFFFOOOOOOKKKK!

But hey! It REALLY does feel like I'm on holiday for 3 days! :) It has been so relaxing that I wish it won't end..sigh.

And I definitely am able to sleep like crazy. If only life is THIS great..

Anyway, quite a number of things have happened recently and I have been too busy to blog them down, or rather..I end up blogging a little and lost the mood out of the sudden to continue.

First, my external hard drive of 20GB got wiped out accidentally. I have no idea how it happened, but my boy's feeling freaking guilty about it. It's not his fault though, and I am no longer upset/sad abt it. ALL my memories, photos, sentimental stuffs for the past 5 years are gone. Gosh, it did make me wonder how quickly these things just disappear and I wonder how great it would be if I could just wipe out certain things in my mind, just as easy as how my Iomega got wiped out. I'm not sure if my hard disk being wiped out is a good thing (it depends on which angle I wanna see it from), but I shall not think about it anymore (despite my parents and him saying they will get back my stuffs by hook or crook for me).

2nd, I met the stupidest manager of a restaurant I have ever seen, and I was about to lodge a major complaint against him. But the boss was not in! Gosh, I did wish he was though, so that I can make sure he gets either a talking to or a sack. Yes, I'm that bitchy when someone "steps on me". Ok, I shall admit that I was trying to be quite a bitch at the restaurant yesterday, but being a customer, I do not deserve being talked to in such a rude manner, and being a stupid manager he is, obviously he has handled the situation in the most inappropriate way. Let me tell u how fucking stupid he is...

CG and I wanted to have steamboat (again!) for dinner, so we headed there really early..approx 5pm. We were given a table which was dark (cos the bulbs have all fused, and they are so cheapskate to even fix a bulb. Manz, are they waiting for me to buy a pathetic bulb to replace it for them or what? Also, for a structure that required 10 long florescent lamps (the long ones in primary school classrooms), they had only placed 5! How bright can the place be? And being Chinese, I have something against eating in the dark, and my standard's pretty low for "dark". I sat in that dark area once with CG to have my meal once, and we both felt very uncomfortable, so I made sure I was never ever gonna have that table again. BUT the waitress was asked to give us that table because the manager said the other tables are booked for a function.

And partly because that particular waitress' attitude was quite shit, I was not gonna just be a goody girl and just keep my unwilling thoughts to myself. Told her straight I'll take any table except that, and she was being shit by not even bothering to persuade us in a nice way but just said "U can have that table if u want, but if u have to shift later, it's not my business". Fuck! That sentence did make me boil, but knowing that she's shit from the start and because we're all fellow Chinese, I decided to forget abt it. But I'll just "appreciate" her tiny effort of asking the manager if we can have the table we want, and that asshole said "No. The place is fully booked tonight".

I decided to try to bitch and get what I want, and went to speak to him about it. But...

Me: Excuse me Sir. I was wondering if I can have my steamboat at that table in the corner. The table I'm given is extremely dark and it's very uncomfortable to sit there. I have sat there the last time, and I did not enjoy my meal completely. Is there something u can do?

Manager: No. We're fully booked.

Me: But it's only 2 of us. Definitely u can find a solution. Please?

Manager: NO! I said we're fully booked. This place is getting so popular that thousands of people come from Swansea and other parts of Wales to eat, and we're always getting functions booked. (like as if I care even if the whole of Europe comes here...all I can say is that they are crap taste for chinese cooking)

Me: If the bookings aren't early, I don't even see a good reason to why u cannot try to find a way.

Manager: I said WE'RE FULLY BOOKED. Which part of that sentence do u not understand?!

Me: I completely understand that YOU'RE FULLY BOOKED. All I'm asking is if u can find an alternative (which part of that sentence do u NOT understand!?!??!?!?!).

Kaoz.

Then he got so pissed that he went to look into the book to check the timing of the bookings, and that table I wanted is booked for 8.30pm!

And he's rejecting my request to get that table when it's only 5.15pm? Is he nuts or what?! What's he gonna do about that table for the next 3 hours, I wonder?

Manager: Ok, I can give u that table, but provided u are confident that I can get that table back by 8.30pm. I do not want to sound like I am trying to chase u out by 8.30pm, but I do know that when Chinese people come here for meals, they spend the entire evening here.

Me: Of course I'll be done by 8.30pm. How long can 2 people ever take to have a meal? There's still 3 more hours to go." (purposely said to make him look an idiot in front of everyone, when I'm dead sure they think he's an idiot. Who wouldn't?!)

So I finally got my way. Gotta give some credit to another waitress who tried to help us get the table we want.

I am definitely not appreciative even though he gave me the table I asked for, because of his "which sentence do u not understand?" Bloody fucker. Not even my Professor speaks to me in that way, needless to say a chao manager.

And that idiot started making his poor staff arrange tables, and place napkins and cutleries nicely on the tables he so wonderfully made them move to get ready for his so called "fully booked" event.

Plus, he was keeping himself busy (for nothing!) by counting seats again and again. Trust me. I knew before I even start my meal that his efforts are completely pointless, and CG and I almost died laughing when the staff started moving tables again and again because they just realised that I can't keep rejecting people to come in for meals when their event is so much later.

We kinda pity the lovely Chinese waitress who was giving the sianz look while moving tables (she was the one who was asked to move tables earlier on to get ready for the 8+ booking).

CG: Hey, u're moving tables again?
Waitress: Yeah...sigh..
Me: Can't help it when u've got such a stupid manager. He's a complete idiot and RUDE! But don't feel bad about what happened just now. It's not your fault :)
Waitress: I'm sorry abt just now. He's new here, so he doesn't know how we work.
Me: And he's THE MANAGER? Gosh, that's more absurd! What a joke. But hey, don't feel bad ok? Really..it's not your fault. I am fine.

I will definitely remember this incident. And should I ever get a chance, I will lodge a complaint. I'll let the boss know how much money he has lost having employed such an incompetent and rude employee when he rejected so many people who has come for a meal when the tables are not needed till half 8. I shall not allow myself to get bullied just because Whites think they are superior and thinks I do not understand English just because of my skin colour.

And if this interests u, when CG and I finished our meal at 7.45pm, the lower level (where we had our steamboat) was still half empty.