I'm feeling shitty this morning, because I'll be leaving Cardiff in a few hrs' time. I am really unwilling to go, and it's so unexpected about the way I feel. I thought I wouldn't feel much except being sianz to be in a ulu place with nothing but nature (i'm not a nature fan btw..im an urban girl).

I should be excited abt my 1st stay in a cottage, something I've always dreamt of experiencing while in Wales, but I can't. I'm gonna live with my coursemates whom I do not know well at all. I can make friends yada yada..but it's just different (or perhaps I'm just picky).

It's only a few days before I get to see my boy again since he promised to go and look for me, yet I feel terrible inside. I'm so used to having him next to me that I find it so uncomfortable that he's not by my side this time. I have been so used being left alone and ignored for years, and by right, I should be able to adapt to the same situation again, but I'm so afraid to go back to such scenarios again, and this time, I won't have anyone to give me a consoling hug/kiss and a shoulder to cry on, now that I have to be this far away. And the thought that after Easter, I wont see him for another dunno how many weeks puts me off completely.

I cried several times last night because of this. The fears I've got just scares me, and I tried telling myself that I'm thinking too much. However, I have to admit my insecurity and fears. And now that my major exams are coming, I know I need more mental and emotional support than ever.

I have no idea how to speak out abt my fears. It would be much easier if I could.

Watching my boy happily tucked under my duvet and sleeping soundly makes me more sad than ever. Although it feels restrictive having him sleep beside me every night, I can't imagine a night without him being there. I've grown so much more sensitive to how cold my bed has become whenever he isn't around. And I wonder if I'll get the same feeling when I'm there.

I'll be looking forward to chatting with him on the phone every night and to see him during Easter. But at the same time, I hope I'll be kept busy with revision that I wont have time to feel lonely or depressed. I'm praying hard to be strong because I need to. Badly.