Mich is stress

I am very very very stressed at the moment.

I wish..I could talk to someone..anyone.

My mind is in a big mess..so disorganised. I have to try to get organised again, but where should I begin?

My exams are coming very very soon. And here I am rushing everyday just to finish my readings for each week which is totally impossible, plus I'm such a slow learner...extremely slow in fact. There isn't a study week before exam either..the so-called revision week is all filled with lectures, and straight away we take the exam and HAVE to pass it.

I had a very stressful evening...really making me so fed up and crying. Had to view this farking CD which seems to take forever to finish. Had to look through 70+ microscopic blood films, and study each one, which is suppose to look different. And that's like only ONE section of the CD. It's really draining alllll my energy away, and doesn't help that my coursemates are falling ill one by one. I think very soon it's gonna be my turn.

And I still have another CD to look at tmr. I am dreading it. I wish I didn't have to look at them, but neither do I wanna fail my exam.

My notes are turning me off too. Every bloody fucking day I'm writing notes as I study, and now my ring file is totally full...in just 3 weeks! How the hell am I gonna ever finish looking at them? And not forgetting..I still have 2 more specialties to read up on for this block. I think I have been pretty kind to myself when I only picked topics to read. Some Consultants actually expect us to finishing one textbook each week! With my kind of learning speed, even if I don't sleep the entire week..also cannot finish manz.

Why am I not born intelligent? Why can't I learn things as fast as the others? Why do I always have to spend hrs?! Just why?! I'm so fucking pissed off.

FUCK MEDICINE FOR ONCE!

So unbelievable

If you ask me if I have met someone who knows the human body from head to toe, and yet be able to perform all types of surgeries (including cosmetic surgeries), I will excitedly tell you "Yes, I have met him!".

Someone I salute to, someone I admire, someone I am impressed by. He's the maxillo-facial surgeon I met yesterday at Morriston Hospital. I admire his wide scope of knowledge, not just in his field, but to how much he can do which involves the entire human body. Apparently, if you aspire to be a maxillo-facial surgeon (money issues will nv be a future problem for u), you have to get a dentistry degree and a medical one, which was exactly what he did, both of which he got Fellowships in! He told me he actually spent 8-9 years as a student in University, and in total, he spent 20+ years before he became a Consultant Max-Fac Surgeon. Isn't that just impressive?! And when we were talking abt cosmetic surgery, he said he does it as well, even though it's not for cosmetic reasons, but because of reconstruction. But if someone needs him to do a face lift for fun, he has the skills to do it. I think it's such a fascinating specialty, and if only I had an interest in the oral cavity, I might put a thought to this, but nahz....I can't imagine myself studying 4 yrs of dentistry. Bet it'll bore me to death.

He gave me a really good advice abt what I should do with my future, holding a medical degree. He said to really earn big bucks, I should go and do law after medicine, and specialise in medical litigation. And because I'm equipped with medical knowledge, I can be really good at finding loopholes in cases. It's exactly the same thing as what Dad told me before. This triggered a lot of thoughts in me.

To be frank, I am pretty interested in Medical Law. Was quite tempted to buy this Medical Law book I saw when I was shopping with Lemon once..but it's so expensive! I thought about if this should be a route I should take since it's an interest I have, but I can't help remembering my purpose of going into Medicine, and what I have always dreamt of achieving personally in this field.

If I go and do Law, and end up becoming a medical law specialist, I'll probably spend the rest of my life sueing doctors. In a way, I am doing patients and the society a favour by putting irresponsible doctors behind bars and ruin their entire medical career, but on another hand, do ALL doctors who are being sued sued because "negligent" is their only quality they possess? Do they only deserve to say "Bye" to their career because of an error they made, regardless of whether it's life-threatening or not? Aren't doctors entitled to make mistakes too since they're human, despite the society expecting them to be flawless? And any doc in the right mind would not want to kill their patient and get themselves behind bars right? They most likely are gonna try to do something to make the patient better, but unfortunately, problems do crop up occasionally, and if misfortune really befalls them, they get sued! Sounds damn unfair frm the doctor's point of view..yet we cannot say that it's only fair that patients accept errs made my doctors. Oh well, I can go on debating abt this forever..shan't go on abt it for now.

Dan told me a shocking news last night too. Simon and Sophie snogged. I almost died on the spot when I heard it. Of all ppl...SIMON?! Went to msg Sophie to get the facts right, and yup..she really did snog him for the 2nd time. And she went on abt how drunk both of them got, and how she dressed like a whore for the "Back to School" party in Cardiff. I was pretty tempted to go for that party since it's a med sch tradition. The outfit's school uniform (yah lah..sound very porn). I love sch uniforms, and because it's a night I get to wear it again (if I am going, I betcha I will go buy a Jap sch uniform online). Can put make up, and don't have to follow sch rules of tying the hair...it'll look good hor?! Then again, "Uniform Night" sounds more like sex night huh...hmm...definitely not a reason why I was tempted...yucks.

Also, I found someone who has a really valid reason for having a love for the teeth. Loving teeth sounds odd but it's valid..haha. Pinelopi's the girl :) Manz..always thought that apart from the good money, there's no other reason to why someone would ever spend their entire life learning about teeth, loving it and working on it. We were wondering why she didn't go into Dentistry from Day 1. And she doesn't wanna do dentistry after med either since it's gonna take ages. She's really obsessed with teeth, and for the first time, I see someone taking every pamphlet she can find regarding oral care and hygiene.

Sianz manz. I got no fresh cooked dinner to eat tonight since Dan's on a strike. He's been really nice to ask if I wanna have the remaining Bak Kut Teh, or if I wanted him to cook fried rice for me (I have been bugging him for fried rice for the past 2 days already) *touched* Sigh..how to solve tonight's dinner problem now...don't wanna bother him either since he looks sooooooo exhausted today. :(

Just before dinner..

I know I should be more focussed and just get on with studying, rather than blogging.

But aiyah..while waiting for Dan to call and go "You wanna eat dinner already?" (I got a feeling he's on strike today...*lol*), I shall just get release some thoughts for this evening.

Here I am feeling quite excited over someone's misery. Sounds mean? I definitely think so. Tony's finally coming to UK to study, but of all places, he had to go to Imperial College. It is a MAJOR MISTAKE, and he has admitted it..haha. Good that he knows what a big fault he made. He could have just made sure I was definitely in Cardiff, before he went to accept IC before anything else. If only he did, he would and confirm be in Cardiff with me. Oh well..so off to London he'll be tmr and that leaves me like 3.5 hrs from him by the coach. But I will make an effort to go down occasionally to visit him..and he better do the same. Or else I'll go tell all the BV ppl how he mistreat me in UK...and ask the gang to boycott him.. :P

He's feeling terribly sad abt it since he's so close to his family. And here I am sounding so happy that it's a day before he arrives. Kinda understand how he feels. I promise I won't neglect him in UK..and I certainly hope he won't leave me alone either. But then..aiyah..I better don't get too excited..or else I might end up feeling disappointed at the end (cos ppl come here got new friends liao then dun hiu me much le...)

While msn-ing with Dad this evening made me cry. It's not because I miss home all of a sudden, but I feel very hurt whenever Dad thinks about how he will be living when he's old, being unable to depend on me or my brother etc. I have never ever thought about throwing my parents aside, and even though I do lose my temper on them when I'm in a bad mood, they mean a lot to me. No one can ever replace them. If there was one thing I ever feel blessed abt in my life, is to have my parents and my brother. Despite me assuring Dad that my brother and I will solve these problems in the near future, I can't help reminding myself that I owe my entire life or more to him. And that really got me emotional. I really love my parents and brother very much.

Ok, back to studying and waiting for my room phone to ring...hehehe...

Pros and Cons of being busy

Year 4 has indeed been a much more productive year. Been terribly busy. Gets on my nerves at times, but then again, it has its advantages.

But I definitely would prefer it to be a little slower so that I'll have more time to do self-studying..haha. Then again, being busy with school is better than being NOT busy I suppose.

Because I've been so busy, and having my mind filled with nothing but medicine (even my dreams are abt Haematology last night...goodness..I was dreaming of Leukaemia..the biology of it etc.), I don't have much time to let my mind wander. The only time it's really wandering is when I go in a daze while lying on my bed or when I'm on the journey to and fro Swansea. But fortunately, I am able to put them aside and doze off.

I think the stress is doing me a bit of good this way. Makes my time pass faster, perhaps happier, and doesn't allow me to think of rubbish. The only bad thing is I don't get to talk much to my family anymore. Miss them very much.

Can't believe it that term has started for abt a mth already.

Accomodation in Swansea

Wanna check out my temporary accomodation in Swansea? Hee...

Yah lah. I know I got a lot of bags in my room.

I really dread the curtains falling on my headrest..

Yeah..I got a sink in my room.. :)

Did you know that my room's a twin room? This is the other half of the room. Isn't it just HUGE?

The night view outside my window behind my bed.

Those buildings you see are the other halls in Swansea's campus.

COMPLETION!!!!!!

Yay!!!!!

I have finally finished packing my room! Am so glad that the storage company managed to find this place and got my stuffs delivered to the reception.

But why didn't the accomodation team bring it to my room?!?!?!

Phew..lucky for me the security guard on duty today was so kind to help me move the boxes to my room. He's really friendly too! Had a great chat with him while we were moving the boxes :)

I'm so happy that my day ended really well. This morning's tutorial was fantastic. I simply love the consultant, Dr Sati, who taught me. His explanation was really clear, and he didn't even show any signs of irritation when we asked him questions to clarify doubts or get him to explain again and again. I got him to explain to me about the biology of myeloma as well, which I found pretty confusing while I was preparing Monday's presentation last night. I was amazed when he said he had exactly the same problem as I did when he was still a medical student, but now, myeloma is his field of interest! Hmm...looks like...we all go through the same stage huh? I wonder how these consultants were like when they were just students like me...

The afternoon was bad though. Was on boring ward round, and had 2 medical students from the med school of Swansea joining us. The med degree from Swansea is a postgrad one, meaning the students who got in have already gotten their bachelor degree of something else. Their knowledge is really good, and it did make me Pinelopi and I feel really sianzzzzzzz about it. Pinelopi got so irritated that she totally didn't wanna go n see patients, but just sit outside the rooms. I was sianzzz too cos I felt stupid, and was consoling myself that those 2 students did 3 yrs of Biomedical Sciences and probably had like 3 years of Haematology already..tt's why they know everything.

Because of my horrid afternoon, I felt really shitty on my way back to Cardiff.

But my evening was GREAT!

I not only packed my room, but also met my new flatmates. There's 5 of us now...3 angmos and 2 chinese (me included). It was really shocking when I first stepped into the kitchen and saw 3 chinese inside cooking dinner. I didn't even say "Hi". Too shocked lah.

Anyway, it was the Chinese who said hi to me first. Manz, I didn't know they were guessing my nationality the moment they saw me. Taiwan or Korea was their guess...piangz..and I did shock them when I replied "Ni hao" when they said hello. One of the China girls is my flatmate. Oh my is she pretty. But I can't remember her name now! Argh. She told the Brits to call her Angela, but she told me to call her chinese name...Zheng something...argh..better ask her again when I see her.

Then while I was packing my stuffs, a sudden "HIYAH!!!!" came from the door. Turned and saw this girl smiling happily from her door. That's Lucy, a girl from Jersey Island. There's probably a long history behind what happened to Jersey Island, but anyway, she considers her nationality British. She's extremely friendly and I hope she stays this way *crosses fingers*

Jess is quieter, but she's quite a nice girl too. :)

Haven't seen Jenny today. Heard that she'll be back next week. Have only met her last week. Hope to see her next week :) She's also a very friendly girl.

I really hope all of us can click well, so that we'll have a good time in this flat. Coming back to my flat in Cardiff will be something I'll look forward to then. I don't really wanna feel the way I felt before whenever I go to the home in Miskin Street.

Who said babies can't be grumpy?

Please save the pics to get a larger view...

Let me reveal my violent side

Piangz..I should be studying now..but my brain is bursting soon after doing so much tutorials which are pretty challenging, so I am gonna blog for a while before I continue studying. By the way, I am blogging in Swansea..hehehehe..finally I got my internet set up by chance in my room. :)

LOL...if Darren sees this..I bet he'll laugh his ass off *winks*

Yup...cos I'm gonna reveal my violent side...MUAHAHAHA...and he heard all about it when I was telling him about my violent fantasies over the phone last night. Ay Darren, thanks for calling me for the past 2 nights..hahahahahaa...I hope my rubbish made my mornings great...lol.

Ok, shall share with u ppl my fantasies now.

There's this angmo guy who looks like a teddy bear and I really dislike him. Nope, I am not racist. I dislike him because I think he's racist! He talks to everyone, can smile at everyone but to Chinese. And gives me the attitude when I'm ard too. He doesn't do anything mean, but you can feeeeeeel it lah. It's tough to describe. Hence, I felt so much like wacking him whenever I see him ard. Manz...if only he's a teddy bear, I would love to rip him belly apart and pull out all the cotton wool stuffed in him! Bah!

Heard from my coursemates that next week, the Swansea freshers will be having their fresher's week. The angmos are pretty excited cos they heard that Swansea freshers' week is totally wicked. But I am definitely not looking forward to it...cos that'll mean NOISE NOISE AND MORE NOISE! I might be here on the 8th floor, but since last week, I can hear their screams and loud talkings and laughter when the angmos are just having an insane time in the open field downstairs. Imagine when ALL the freshers arrive...ultimate madness. And I was so tempted to throw bricks down and concuss someone, or even send a gigantic missile down to blast all of them instantly so that I can have some peace :X

Then on Monday, I had a horrid morning. Was so deprived of sleep that I could have snapped at anyone who was gonna irritate me for wateva reason. I felt so irritated the whole morning, and the shit thing was Monday morning was a long and slow ward round! I wasn't very enthusiastic cos I was tired and ill prepared. The consultant was feeding us with tons of info too, but since my brain was completely dead, I couldn't digest things fast enuff. That did frustrate me a lot. And it doesn't help to know that I was being fed even more info after that. I felt so terribly irritated that I was hoping so much tt my consultant can just shuddup..but then I couldn't show any signs of irritation. It'll be extremely wrong of me to do so too. I then started imagining my consultant as some gorilla soft toy, and you bet I wished I could rip this gorilla up.

Goodness...I think I'm nuts. I'm turning damn aggressive and violent. Wonder what kind of illness I'm suffering from. Haha..

Ophthalmology in Swansea

The entry I blogged in Swansea:
"11th September

Here I am in my bedroom in Swansea, typing this without an internet connection.

I was allocated a twin room, and I have the whole room to myself. Sounds damn good cos it's really big, with 2 beds (not as if I need another bed lah), 2 study tables, and a sink. But for some strange reason, I feel very lonely in this room. Perhaps...I'm more comfortable being in a room for one person. Then again, we're not allowed to swop rooms.

Swansea's different from Cardiff. It's a cleaner, quieter and friendlier place. At least so far, I haven't met anyone really nasty yet, and I hope I won't get to meet any too.

I had a busy and tiring day. The wheel of my cabin luggage is spoilt, and hence, it was a nightmare dragging the heavy bag to my accomodation here. Fortunately I've got Daniel to help me with it, while I dragged his.

I should be grateful for having Daniel with me in Swansea for the next few weeks since I don't know anyone else here. We're doing different specialties for the 1st block, but at least..I know I won't be all alone here..at least..I'll have someone eat dinner with me, go out with me, watch VCDs with me, and go to the supermarket with me. We went to Swansea tgt this afternoon, and went food shopping in the city after that. And I'm so pleased when we both agreed to have dinner tgt every night in Swansea if possible. He'll do the cooking, while I'll just help with whatever is needed e.g. washing. I won't have to have takeaway meals every night now that he has brought his pots n pans over. I really miss Chinese food (I had Italian food for almost the whole week already), and I was so darn excited when he said he's cooking chicken rice just now.

It's strange. I actually mentioned that "I'll have someone eat dinner with me, go out with me, watch VCDs with me...". I don't wanna be alone for a reason I don't understand. Perhaps..I'm sick and tired of it at the moment. Maybe I just want friends to distract me from being homesick, and to help me love this place.

I miss my friends and family in Singapore too *weeps*. I feel like calling home to just hear my parent's voice, but I haven't got a calling card with me. I know I can just use my auto-roaming phone, but I have no idea what's holding me back. And the fact that I haven't got the internet sorted here (I hope this building allows wireless access) makes me feel more isolated from home. I love being online. I love having my MSN on. I don't have to talk to anyone, but whenever I scroll down the list and see my friends being online, there's an indescribable joy within.

I'm struggling..struggling to overcome this all by myself. I can't keep weeping for the next few mths. I still got a long way to go, and even though it's difficult, I must try to make it to the end. I must..I must. I'm praying hard that I'll be given the strength to carry on. "

The entire week doing Ophth (eyes) was fruitful and very interesting. I learn new things everyday, and the timetable is so organised and well planned. The consultants and their team are so nice to us, not making us feel unwanted. I went to Swansea only knowing Daniel, but at the end of the week, I have made new friends in my course like Oliver, Beth, Katherine, Pinelopi, Richard etc.

There are actually 2 clans in the group that are having attachment in Swansea with me, namely the ONz and NOT ONz. I think I belong more to the latter..lol.

Pinelopi is my partner for my entire attachment in Swansea. She's Greek (I seem to click with Greeks manz..). She's not the chionging sort, and very very decent. I like her very much, and I had a great time with her during attachment. She, being an international student like me, misses home too, and we both agree that we miss home more and more the longer we study in UK. She misses home so badly that sometimes, she'll just spend 400 quid just to fly back to Greece for a weekend...haha. I learnt so much about Greece throughout the past few days. She was really curious about Singapore too, so whenever we've got time, we'll start telling each other abt our own country. She's only 20 this yr. It's unbelievable that she started Grade 1 at 5, and entering uni at 17!

Richard's another very nice guy, the non-chionging sort too. Hmm..I find it easier to get along with the non-chionging sort (except Sophie..lol)...and they're usually the ones who are more willing to mix with foreign students I suppose. Got to know him thru Dan :) He's got this decent and blur look..haha..very cute.

Then again, I had to try to strike a balance by trying to know or at least smile at the chionging gang. I guess..it was chinese cooking by dan and me which got them interested to come talk to us. You can see a few of them crowding ard us to see what we're cooking, and feeling damn excited when we told them we have more than enough for them to try. Dan clicks more with them, while I tend to be quieter, but hey, I'm feeling pleased enough that at least they know I exist, and some of them do smile and say Hi to me when they see me ard. It was even more shocking when they asked if I wanted to join them to walk along the coast to grab a bite, and clubbing on another occasion. I went for the walk along the coast and to the pub with them one night. The view along the coast was beautiful. And the pub was having a KTV session that night. The older folks were having a great time singing, while we just sat down and chat. It surprised the angmos and Dan that I can't drink, and as expected, they made me try drinks. Dan made me try his red bull mixed with vodka, while Katherine got me to try something else which I can't remember. I think I prefer the red bull since it's sweet..but still, I don't like the taste of alcohol.

It was fun hanging around Dan when he cooks dinner every night. Hence, I'm always looking forward to be back in the hall asap to have dinner, and always excited when I think about what Dan is gonna cook for the night. I'm so well fed there. He puts in so much effort for dinner, and I'm always hopping around happily waiting for food to be served. He cooks pretty well. Isn't that impressive? You don't get many Chinese guys who can cook, or bother to cook. And he was so kind to look high and low for me when he realised I wasn't ard to go to the kitchen with him last night. Thinking that I was probably stuck in hospital, he kindly kept some food for me to warm up when I come back! I can't believe someone is actually doing that for me! I was smiling so much when I saw the chicken in the fridge even though I didn't eat it. *touched*

Academic wise, I have to cope with long hours in placement, and lots of reading in the evening. I'm practically rushing for time every night, but am pretty pleased that I kinda know my stuffs. Didn't feel stupid when I was asked questions. And I found reading beforehand so useful. I don't feel so lost in clinic that much, and I was able to understand things much quicker when the doctors are talking to me. Also, was kinda pressed for time to do ppt slides since I've gotto give a presentation to my coursemates and consultants every week.

There's this very cute model of a pair of eyes in the outpatient's clinic. It was a fantastic learning tool for us when we're trying to practise our skills using the ophthalmoscope. There are 7 words in the eye which we have to find, and according to my consultant, he said most students only find 3 and he was very impressed when I told him I found them all. Yup, I did feel proud of myself..hehe.

I saw cataract surgeries in theatre too. It was absolutely amazing. The consultant got me to watch him do the job through a scope, and I was so fascinated by how cataracts are removed and replaced by an intraocular lens. The new lens is just like soft contact lenses! I also managed to get the chance to see a case of dislocated lens in surgery. This patient had Marfan's Syndrome, which gave him really long fingers and limbs. You don't get to see such patients very much, and it was a great eye opener for me.

I also attended minor eye operation sessions, whereby I witness Mr Khan (surgeons of wateva specialty are titled Mr rather than Dr) remove skin cancers around the eye, or to fix eyelids which are either flipped inwards or outwards. He gave me the opportunity to assist him too! Although I was only asked to hold lids and cut stitches, I was more than delighted. It's only then I have the chance to go really close to watch. He also taught me many things like to put an eye patch, and how to rectify problems given by the patients which require surgery. It wasn't a blind watching session at all.

Laser surgery was an insight which wasn't that interesting. I got to watch that in Mr Roberts' clinic too. It was like playing with a computer game whereby you zap stuffs in some space-like background.

Oh yes..after believing that sitting real close to the TV can make me short-sighted for the past 23 years, I finally found that this is total rubbish. Mr Roberts said the length from the front to the back of the human eye is about the same in everyone. But if your length is shorter since birth, you can't escape from being long-sighted, and if it's longer since birth, you can't escape from being short-sighted. It's only just when you'll find it obvious in your sight.

I managed to see a slit-lamp, which is a bulky machine which eye specialists use to look into the eye. It's much more accurate than using an ophthalmoscope (eye specialists think ophthalmoscopes are crap..haha). And with guidance from the doctors, I was able to very very clearly see abnormalities in the eyes, which could easily be missed using the ophthalmoscope. And using the slit-lamp, we can also check the pressure within the eye to see if it's raised.

I attended clinics whereby I got to talk to patients, watch their consultations, and also to examine them. Mr Roberts was just talking to me about the third nerve damage, and so coincidentally, a patient with ALL the classical signs was in for a consultation the next minute. I have seen these before, but was still very pleased to be talked abt these again. Serves as a form of revision. There are bits during clinic which I forgot and couldn't answer when Mr Roberts asked. Felt pretty bad during then, and was telling Mr Roberts that I can't imagine being in 4th yr when my knowledge is little. He told me that at some point, I'll get there, and I shouldn't worry about it. They all went through this stage before. Well, I hope what he said is true.

Mr Khan asked if I am considering to do Ophthalmology in future. Gave it a thought, and to be honest, I am pretty interested in this field. However, the competition for this field is extremely great both in UK and Sg, which is making me think twice about it. Then again, let's leave it all to destiny. I'm sure a path will be there for me to walk on when the time comes. :)

Today, I saw a teenage boy which I don't think I'll ever forget. I felt a strong sense of pity for this child, and I'm sure it must be miserable living for him. He has skin which is red and peeling throughout his face, body and limbs. The red was similar to the colour of beef and his skin was extremely thin that you feel that it'll just break and bleed if u just touch him. I'm not exaggerating. It's true. He suffering from extremely severe eczema, and has been any kind of treatment one can think of, but nothing is making him better. He's very isolated from the others, very depressed, very quiet, and self-conscious as well. He's 17, but because of his condition, it has affected his growth, making him look like a 10 yr old instead. I felt helpless as well because I am in no position to try to help him. The dermatologists have tried their best, but even they can't do anything abt it, needless to say me. I am imagining the smile of his face if he can ever get well, and seeing himself protected by a layer of normal skin on the mirror. And I sincerely hope that one day, there will be a new treatment which will allow him to feel better.

It's a long way past my slping hr. I feel damn bad going to bed this late tonight..grr. Moving house later somemore..sianz manz! Wonder how I'm gonna struggle with this plus having to do reading up this weekend before Haematology (blood) attachment next week. A whole new block of attachment, a whole new reading list for the entire week. I shall push on. Shall make sure I make my Saturday productive, rather than being a slacky mood like tonight. Piangz...only studied one topic today..how shitty can I get manz?! Bah!

Can I grumble?

I'm not in a bad mood, but I do feel like grumbling for a while here.

First, I am not linked up in Swansea yet. The IT department say they'll give me the username and pwd so that I can configure my laptop within 24 hours, but they claim to be having some problems now and wont be doing it till next week.

Second, I am bugged by depressed ppl whenever I go online. I should be most patient towards these ppl, providing them with a listening ear, especially when I know them, but instead, I felt irritated because they are not close to me...or rather..can I say I don't actually fancy one of them? Plus they tend to overdo things like bugging u allllllll the time with how depressed they are abt EVERY ISSUE! I'll definitely be more patient if it's someone I really really know or just a listening ear once in a while, and I'm most willing to do so. We all get depressed at some stage of life don't we?

The thing abt these ppl is they actually love being depressed! Look, if you're a depressed patient, will u wanna fight against it and get well? It won't be instant though. But apparently these ppl DON'T! They will start telling u things that at times u feel that all they want from you is to ASSURE (note this word!) them that they are insane, and should call Woodbridge for admission. Then, u get ppl asking u to supply them with info on depression. I find this terribly ridiculous because at this computer age, u actually have ppl who ARE computer literate and not knowing that you can find info abt depression just by surfing the Internet.

And then there was also this asshole who asked me how come I can supply him facts abt depression when he knows I'm a medical student. That's so DUH for goodness sake! I wanted so much to slap him hard on his %^£"&* face I tell ya. I could have just went on and kill him with the saddest soap drama story I can come up with, but couldn't be bothered since the last thing I wanted was to keep the chat going. I just dread this person for some reasons. I think he's mad, irritating, thinks highly of himself (mind u, it's a vast difference frm being confident), obsessed with having only chiobus as gf when he's not good looking himself, talk with thorns in his words. Basically, he's a typical farked up person.

Ok, I feel so shiok now that I have scolded this asshole on my blog...muahahaha. If time permits, I'll blog again later abt my first week in Swansea :)

Just a quick one

Sneaked here during lunch time for a bit.

Here I am in Swansea, and without the internet set up in my room yet just makes me feel so isolated from the world. Life's pretty meaningless without the internet hor?

Teaching's really good here. I have learnt so so much, even though the hours are pretty long. I usually am abt to KO after dinner already. This makes me a little worried though as I'm wondering how I'm gonna finish my reading.

There's so much which I wanna say, but somehow, my brain's stuck for a moment. Will update again another time.

Pack luggage again?!?!?!

Yes, indeed. Packing luggage is THE thing I did this evening. Gosh, I really don't wanna count the number of times I have to "move" this academic year.

Just felt like I'm gonna be so well trained in luggage packing..and oh boy do I "love" it.

Gonna go off to Swansea later to check into my accomodation for the next few weeks, where I'll be doing my attachment. Surfed around to take a look at how the campus is like there, and it looks pretty nice. Reminds me of NUS. It's unlike the city uni like Cardiff's. Heard the teaching, accomodation and all are wonderful there. So hopefully I'll have a great time during my first block of attachment. Kinda looking forward to it although I have piles of books to complete reading.

Wah piangz..damn sianz. Can't imagine for the next 2 weekends, I'll be moving house in Cardiff. Really taking up a lot of my precious time. Imagine how many more topics I'll be able to read up if I didn't have to do all these shit. For a moment, I really wished Mum and Dad was here...hahaha...can help me do things since I'm terribly sianz and irritated thinking about the stuffs I have to do, the calls I have to make etc.

Damn tired now. Totally underestimated the time I needed to pack the whole room and my luggage to be brought to Swansea. Shall really have a gooooood sleep and totally relax in the coach later.

Will try to take pics of my room in Swansea and post it here if possible (if the internet connection there is good lah). Oh yes, heard that most of the rooms got sea view. Sounds good eh? Hope they don't kid me about it. I'll be so disappointed if they do..haha.

Before going to bed

Once again, my typical life of going to lectures and revising is back.

I have been totally drained for some strange reason, and I really can't keep my eyes open very much in the afternoon. Took a nap and couldn't wake up at all. Perhaps it's due to lack of quality sleep despite sufficient number of hrs. Been having the most absurd dreams/nightmares every night.

Such a waste of time dozing off for so long in the noon. Darn! Could have got more work done tonight if only I didn't sleep that much.

Again, I'm thrown with more things to read up before the end of this week. Trying to tell myself I'll get there somehow.

The boys, Mervyn & Reuben, are due for NS today and tomorrow respectively. I can sense how sad Mervyn is when he was chatting with me not too long ago. Well, I'm very confident they'll get through the initial 2 weeks fine. I'm sure Mervyn will be strong, and I can't wait to see him online with his bald head after 2 weeks.

Missing my friends quite a lot today. I wish I can go and have a chill out session with them, especially with the BV clan. Will load the photos I took with them at the farewell dinner and put them as my laptop's wallpaper...hehe. Hopefully, it'll make me feel better.

Watch my dead face

I know it's a bit early to grumble, but yes..I am feeling dead. So hard to smile at this hour already. Plus, it's BOILING in my room.

I had a busy day even though it was only ONE lecture. Had to rush to the city after that to buy food, and some other stuffs.

Was expecting to be able to rest, only to find out that I have my printer in storage, so...I'm not able to print anything. And I didn't wanna delay printing ALL the dermatology notes till weeks later, so had to force myself to go to the hospital to get it done. Grrrr...

Apparently, dermatology in Cardiff is of a gold standard worldwide. I actually suspected it to be since I notice that quite a fair number of GPs in Singapore actually went to get a dermatology qualification from Cardiff, and Kunsen's dad also specially came here to do his specialty. Hmm..now I know why Kunsen wanted acceptance frm this uni so badly years ago.

I was impressed with my dermatology lecture today. It's amazing that the department actually used e-learning and they're really organised. I do see the big amt of effort they have put in to make this possible. In the website, there are online lectures, formative MCQs, quizzes, group discussions, forums, etc etc. It's a MUST to get into it since we are supposed to do the MCQs at the end of every online lecture, and the department actually keeps track to whether we are doing the MCQs. If only every department does the same thing, it'll be fantastic.

Have been studying throughout, as we're expected to finish going through 5 online lectures ourselves at least by the end of the week. Manz..it's just dermatology. There's still 4 more specialties in this block, each expecting us to finish certain stuffs by this week too. Gosh..how am I gonna do that?

I'm trying hard to keep to Prof Kua's advice to slp at 11, and get up at 7. But I find it more and more difficult. I get really tired by about 10, but there's so much to do...how can I possibly get the day's work done by 11? Sheesh..I wonder if he really goes to slp at 11 and up by 7 when he was studying in Oxford.

Sigh. There's a mad rush for books in the library now. With so few copies of each book in the library, there isn't enough to go around for even a small group of students of each block. And it's scary looking at the number of reservations (now, who said that only singaporeans are kiasu???). Fortunately, I got the books on registration day, so I can still at least have the books with me for 2 weeks, but there's no way I can have them in the next dunno how many weeks. Will be borrowing a few from Michelle, and I'm wondering if I should buy the rest. Books are terribly expensive here. And if I were to purchase any, will have to buy at least 3 books for this 1st block. Each costs abt £20 ($60) leh...haiz. I really wish for a moment that my family owns the bank.

Met my landlady this afternoon to give her stuffs I bought for her from Sg. Had a great chat with her, and as usual, she'll ask if I'm attached. Am really amazed that we both have the same opinions (abt rships and guys) and character! I felt more reassured of myself after chatting with her. And the fact that she's a Chinese who is proud and supportive of her race in this foreign land just makes me feel much closer.

Also met Dr Winterburn for a chat and laughter session. This guy's impressive. He's so well read! If only Dad's here, I'm sure they can go on chatting for hours about politics, geography, and share their views on all kinds of issue. Bu kui shi Sub-dean of the Medical school.

Gonna go sleep now...sigh..so damn hot...*fans myself*

Brain dead

I wish my lectures this week could be more, so that the lecturers can give talks about the impt conditions and illnesses, rather than brief lectures.

Imagine..just 5 lectures to "cover" 5 specialties! How brief can the lectures ever get.

Had my first serious lecture today, and because the whole cohort has been divided into different rotations (hence going to different lectures), the group became really small. As a result, there's a high risk of being caught sleeping, talking or being inattentive, accounting to why lecture's extremely quiet today.

I'm feeling pretty glad that Sophie's in all the same rotations as me, although we're not going to the same hospital for every block. But hey, at least I'll have her with me during lecture weeks..hehe. =D

Came home after classes and started studying already. We're all given a list of things we have to know per specialty, and it's crazy. I have like 6 thick books stacked up on my table (I'm so tired after studying now that I can't even be bothered to take a pic to show u the stack of books), and I can't imagine having to finish reading all of them and having my own set of notes written out nicely within 6 weeks. Feel like collaborating a few ppl to write notes for their specialties, and then swap notes with them to save time, but it isn't easy to find someone with nice and neat writing. Even mine is getting atrocious with time for my own standards of neat handwriting. I'm sure many out there knows how docs' handwriting's like. My classmates are docs-to-be..so there you are.

I managed to see a doc this morning too. Got up early and took a short morning walk to A&E. I got attended by a doc within minutes, and everything was completed in 30 mins. How's that?! The doc was telling me that I should have seen a GP rather than go to A&E. Told her that my GP's closed "forever", and she did give a laugh and the "It happens all the time. Sucks isn't it?" look. Doc claims that I could have gotten a viral infection or could simply just be IBS...she's not too sure either. Hence, I was given the same medicine I've been self medicating these few days at a stronger dosage, and more painkillers. The pain seems to be almost gone now, so I'll try to keep away from the medication unless I feel a need to take them.

As I came back from buying dinner, I bumped into that guy again! I think I prefer the first time I saw him, when he was wearing something more proper. Got a closer look today, and I think my 1st impression's a better one....muahahaha. But still ok lah. Enuff abt this stupid issue...haha.

Got my schedule pretty organised now, and I can foresee that the next few mths aren't gonna be very pleasant. Will need more discipline and focussing.

Manz...that stack of books at that corner makes me sleepy...and I'm brain dead after studying for hours....*yawnz*

Will someone just sponser me a fan for the next few days? I'm dying of heat and stickiness in my room....feels like Sg without a fan manz...aiyo...

The Start of 4th Year

It's Registration Day today. And you bet it was a crazy rush, and extremely disorganised. But I love it today..what a wonderful start for the year. I met people whom I know but don't talk to very much before, got to know new classmates, and of course met darling Sophie who finally came back from America (poor girl's jet lagging)!

There are quite a number of people who didn't make it to final year, and Michelle Tang was one of them. Feel really sorry for her in a way, and I have to say....she's really positive about it all..all geared up to give it another go...hmm...something I have to learn from her. But hey, I have got another friend to look for now that we're in the same year.

Rushed to A&E after registration because my tummy isn't getting any better despite me trying out ALL the medicine I have brought over from Singapore for tummy problems. The NHS is darn screwed. Imagine them telling me I've gotta wait 3.5 HRS to be seen by a doctor! I tried to get the receptionist to find a way to let me see a doc, and she told me what I can do is to go home and ring the ambulance. In that way, I won't have to wait that long. *rolls eyes* Well, that's what you get in a country with FREE healthcare system. So those who aren't pleased that Sg's healthcare is subsidised (even though still costly), maybe you'll wanna think twice again?

Couldn't afford 3.5 hrs' wait to see a doc as I've got lectures, so I just left and decided to ring my GP instead..but ya noe wat? GP CLOSED AGAIN! This is the dunno which time I find the surgery I got myself registered with CLOSED. "Close? Then see another GP lah!" is what u're gonna say yeah? Ha! But it doesn't work this way here. Every student/person has to register him/herself to a GP near where u live, and each time u need to see a doc, you are expected to go to the GP whom u registered yourself with...and no one else. And you'll only be entertained if u've got an appointment to see a doc. If you're suay, you'll probably get to see him/her only after a week, and I reckon by then, u're all well or under drip in the hospital. Sounds dumb? But hey..that's how it is here! Once again..free healthcare..what u expect?!

Our brilliant Ministers who were educated in the UK must have remembered how screwed the NHS is since decades ago, that's why our health system isn't free.

Manz..I'm grumbling endlessly abt NHS, when I might end up being a NHS employee one day. Ok, change topic!

I got my course guide and important info about my placements for the whole year. Am pretty glad that I've been given places which are pretty convenient to go to. Schedules for each placement block is out too.

Attended introductory lectures this afternoon with briefings about the specialty placements I'll be doing. Sounds damn interesting, and after reading the course guide just now, it makes me feel as if Yr 4 is gonna be fun. One of the doctors who gave us lectures this year kept emphasising that Yr 4 is a fantastic year to be in. Hmm..will see if this is true in the months to come.

Am glad that Yr 4's purely clinicals. No more rubbish coursework and endless critical appraisals to do..yay!!!! But there's a long critical commentary to be written up for Obs & Gynae though. This one seems interesting, because it could be sent for publication if the department thinks it's well written (great boost for CV!), and students whose works are top 6 in the cohort will be allowed to give a presentation to external examiners and senior members of the O&G department! So prestigious right?

There's quite a number of prizes awarded for each specialty department, and it's quite a lot of money plus prestige. Makes me feel more motivated to work. But hmm..shall not stress myself over that. The aim is to PASS..the prizes will just be a bonus. A step at a time, Michelle :)

Oh yes..forgot to mention this..there are now 3 Chinese Michelles in my year. Cheung, Tang and Phua. Gets really confusing when someone calls "Michelle!" now. Maybe it's time the 3 Michelles shall make people call their chinese name instead for clarity. Cheung being called Ying'er, Tang called Ting Ching, and me...Hui Ling..haha.

Now for the bo liao bit...

I happen to see a Chinese guy at med sch who caught my eye. I have never seen him before. Perhaps a 3rd year medic. Very studious looking, simple, decent, bring-home-to-show-parents kind. As I was rushing, I only had a very quick glance...no time to carefully observe every feature lah. My only impression is that he's not bad looking.

When I was walking home after lectures this afternoon, I saw him again..parking his bicycle outside my block.

Left my heavy bag and books in my room before heading downstairs to go to another block to see if there are any free bottles of mineral water which I can take. Bumped into him at the lift on the ground floor this time. Gave me a shock for a few seconds. It was only then I realise that he's probably staying in my block. Kinda excited and happy (luv seeing chinese ard..makes me feel closer to home) cos I thought my block's very empty and apart from my flatmates, I thought there wasn't anyone else around. Was even wondering if I'm the only Chinese in this block. Ha..if he's really staying in the same block, looks like I won't feel like some outcast even though I do not know him. Yeah...I'm just self-consoling..haha.

Damn wasted that I gotta move out of here in 2 weeks' time. No more eye candy to see...lol. Why isn't he in my year manz?! *lol*

The bo liao things to add "colour" to my lonely life here...

I must try to survive..

I am still ill. The fever has more or less subsided, but my tummy is still hurting. Took some medicine, visited the toilet twice for massive diarrhoea, but it still doesn't help very much. Reckon it's my IBS working up again, and with body heatiness...it's screwing up my system. Really hope I'll get better soon.

I stayed at home the whole day. Slept early and woke up early. My sleep last night wasn't too bad, even though I got up several times because I wasn't feeling well.

Spent the day chatting with my friends. I miss them.

Am feeling a bit sad at the moment as memories of what my life was like for the past 4 yrs have been running through my head. Yes, away with the past and I should throw every single memory aside. I'm trying very hard. Like what others have been reminding me..it's only 2 more years. I know it seems as though it'll be over very soon, but if u're in my position, u'll know why I am feeling this way.

Been thinking about how I can make my life better. I should go out more, try to make friends, sleep earlier, wake up earlier and try to take things easy (I wonder how I'm gonna do the last one).

Watching my friends slowly succeeding in life makes me really happy for them, yet at the same time, I'm wondering if I can be as successful as them. Sometimes, I do need someone close to me, someone I can fully place my trust on, to tell me I'll be fine..I'll make it...and get me up on my feet again when I'm tired and sick of moving.

Being overseas alone is a struggle when you don't have friends...friends who are close to you..friends who u know will stand by you no matter what happens. It'll be an experience I'll never forget. And it does feel quite bad watching how Michelle's bf was helping her carry stuffs and showering her with care and concern from the airport to Cardiff. I was envious. I'm not envious abt her having someone carrying her luggages, but envious of her being able to look forward to something in UK, being able to go shopping happily hand-in-hand with him, being able to care and be concerned about someone who appreciates her effort and who cares abt her as much too, someone near to her, someone spending weekends with her. For a moment, I wished I was in her position...sigh.

Oh well..since I'm so unwanted and all left alone, I shall try to see things from another way. Trying to console myself that I'll emerge to be more independent, and if I make it through my overseas education all alone, it's something I can be very proud of. I must try to survive.

Ill and exhausted

I'm back in UK. Though it's my 4th yr, it feels like as if it's my 1st. I guess..it must be the gap year which made me feel this way.

Although my new term has not started yet, I'm already wishing I'm back home in Singapore again. I miss home..I miss my family..I miss my friends. And the fact that I had so much fun over the past 2 weeks, it just makes me miss every bit of it even more.

Thanks to the clan who saw me off yesterday, and thanks to those who so kindly called, smsed or emailed me to wish me all the best. Thank you very much :)

I'm sounding a bit dead today because I'm dead exhausted and ill. Yes, of all times, I had to run a fever when I was on the plane. My entire journey from Sg to Cardiff was torture. I was having joint pains, fever and couldn't get to sleep much. I just felt very uncomfortable.

I was hoping so much to just collapse on my bed and doze off for a couple of hours, but I had sooo much to do as I had to move all my stuffs to my new place. Will be staying in this new place for 2 weeks before I move into the actual accomodation I booked. I hope everything will work out smoothly for me. Coping with moving house and attachment at the same time is no joke manz.

Had to force myself to get out of the room to do some shopping for necessities, and then go to the hospital to use the Net cos my laptop is under the care of a friend. I got pretty pissed with my friend cos I couldn't get him on his hp since morning, which is causing a lot of delay in my plans (I am aiming to slp early tonight since I'm sick). Fortunately, got him online, and went down to his place to pick up my huge amount of stuffs.

Sigh..have to eat something, shower then go to bed. Will try to stay at home the whole day tmr (muahaha..now that I got my laptop with me, I can go online in my bedroom..woohoo!). Too tired to do anything.

Farewell dinner & YK's Bday

It was Yongkang's Bday celebration and my farewell dinner with my sec sch clan this evening. It was soooo enjoyable. We were all having lots of fun together.

We have been planning the plot for this evening since Tony's Bday as we wanted to give him a big surprise. So happened that YK was gonna meet me this evening for dinner (he insisted..cos it's his only off day this week!), we decided to take this opportunity to surprise him by letting him think that only 2 of us will be going on a dinner date, when the actual fact was, we're gonna get the whole clan to wait for both of us at the restaurant.

Had dinner with them at Cafe Cartel in Suntec. Oh my, there was 11 of us today! But the sad part was not all were able to come. People who came were Tony, Shumin, Victor, Me, Yongkang, Huiquan, Hocksoon, Jolene, Fabian, Yaode, Malcolm. So touched that Victor made the extra effort to turn up when he's got a test tmr. Sheesh..I'm supposed to crash his lectures in NTU this week, but was too lazy to wake up in the morning to go to school with him. Bleah..

I have not seen Fabian, Malcolm and Yaode for years!!!! It was great having them around this evening. And no more sec sch kind of bickering..heez. =D

Yongkang and Linda got me a pre-departure present. It's a cute chick handphone holder. I'm gonna bring it to UK.

It was tons and tons of chatting, laughing and teasing throughout dinner. No one was really appreciating the food. Even the Project Superstar finals on TV weren't getting our attention (shit manz, I had to miss it..).

And just when the night couldn't get any better.....

Hock Soon spotted Jiao Joo at this coffee place in Citylink!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wah liew..how cool is that (for me)?!?!?! I was going "WHERE???!??!?! WHERE?!?!?!?" as if someone spotted Takuya Kimura. I couldn't stop smiling, and manz..suddenly very hot. Became damn shy, and didn't dare go over and say hi even though the rest were cheering me on (regret now manz..I should have daringly go over and say hello hor?). We were making so much noise outside his workplace, that I was so worried he'll hear us and look out.

Hock Soon said he'll ask JJ along to go see me off. I dunno if he really means it, but I'll be happy to have JJ come with the rest. Will be nice to make a new friend..afterall..we're all from BVSS (I'll make sure I wont be shy..lol).

We gave Miss Peh a ring this evening to wish her happy teacher's day. She sounded very happy, but we know that she's in pain as her cancer has spread to her lower back. I feel really sorry about what has happened to her, and doesn't feel good to watch her suffering. But I definitely have to salute to her for her being strong enough to stay positive and optimistic about her life. A great example for me to learn from. And I wish...I can be just as strong as her.

I'll see the clan tmr again (we're damn happening this week). I can't wait.. :)

Oh yes...the group photos.. (pardon the bright area...couldn't get the Cartel word showing up nicely)

I'll miss today

I guess..I'm beginning to feel more and more down abt returning as I watch the hours pass. I don't wanna go up the plane and spend 13 hrs in there alone..but I don't want Dad to go with me to UK too. I rather just cry once when I walk into that departure gate than having to go through another episode of it when Dad says bye to me when he leaves for Singapore.

I had a good time with my parents today. Dad took leave from work to bring me around.

Morning:
Met Aunt Magdalene at Coffee Bean. She bought me a box of bird's nest, cos she knows I love it. Listened to her preaching to me about me needing more slp, more water and more fruits if I want my face complexion to be nice. And she asked me if I wanna be her god-daughter. Hmm..will have to think about it as it isn't just a casual godma-goddaughter relationship.

Noon:
I went to the temple to pray, but couldn't pray properly today. I got very very breathless in the temple..and had problems completing my prayers. I think it's probably cos it was super stuffy in there. I couldn't think well too, and couldn't even organise wat I wanna say well at well. I was basically mumbling things when I don't know what I'm mumbling about.

Went with my parents to Parkway to shop around, and bought myself a new pair of track shoes. Mum has been grumbling abt my shoes, saying that they are fit for the bin.

Went to the salon cos my curls are lifeless now. I had a trim and straightened my hair. I'm back to having a simple hairstyle. I still prefer having my curls though...but I'm sure my curls will look disgusting in the months to come, so it's better go for a fuss free hairstyle before semester starts. I definitely don't wish to visit a salon in UK unless ppl wanna sponser me. Anyway, I'm glad that my dry ends are all trimmed off. Now my hair's looking healthy :)

Dinner:
Had my fav XLB at Crystal Jade. Then I went to NYDC with my parents for desserts. It's their first time there, and I'm pleased that they enjoyed the desserts. Felt like as if I've instilled some youth back into their life since u don't see very much middle-aged people dining in these places.


It was a simple day. No special events. It's an outing which I often have with my parents. But maybe because I'm leaving, today seemed really memorable and special to me. I wished the day was longer.

This evening, Dad said, "Girl, Dad feel so sorry for u for having to stay in the plane for so many hours. You know how Daddy feel? You know how much your parents love you?". I didn't reply. I didn't tell him I am sad. I held my tears back. I didn't tell them I love them. But I really do.