*Michelle's Blogging..*

Name:
Location: Singapore

A Singaporean girl who graduated from a Medical College in the UK and currently working as a doctor, spending most of my years abroad burying myself amongst medical books, speaking Queen's English and trying to adapt to life in Britain. But I still remain a true blue Singaporean who loves my plate of char kway teow and enjoys the sense of closeness when speaking "Singlish" to my fellow countrymen. Why "The Chinese Doctor"? Because that's what my patients call me since they don't know my name!

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Introducing my life after graduation

This post should have been posted many many mths ago, but I've been too lazy to take photos and to load them.


Shall keep this post very brief.


That's me on night duty. I'm in the extremely comfy blues aka theatre wear (I prefer calling it the comfy hospital PJ). Love wearing this because I can forgo boots and leather shoes and wear comfy track shoes without anyone giving a damn. But obviously, I'm only in blues during night shift. It's proper wear on days. By the way, I think I look more like a nurse than a doc to be honest...lol.


Fully equipped with my most essential stuffs (check out the number of things I've got hanging around my neck) for work...

Close up of what they are: My Cardio 3 stethoscope (notice I'm got this Me to You hp chain hanging on it? It came as a pair, and I gave Dearie the other half of the heart..heheh), torniquet (the thing u tie around someone's arm before taking blood....I've got dinosaurs on mine..super cute manz!), pens, Imation USB, my ID card with my cute pinky card holder that has got monkey heads on the strap, my pager. Of course, I have more bits, but they're usually in my pocket [patient details, Finepore tape, venflons (!!!!), sweets, chocolates]


My messy room :) I love it even though it's in a big mess. Don't u think it looks cosy? Dearie hates my mess, but he says my bedroom always has a "cosy bedroom feel".

The bookshelf which is also in a mess....sorry. Even my pillow and bedsheet has a different pattern cos I'm too lazy to change it.


Got a sink in my room for me to wash my face. Really cool cos I won't have to fight with others for the toilet in the morning. Not forgetting my very messy laundry basket on the side


A shocking message

I came out of the shower yesterday, still feeling sleepy and sianz abt having to start another night shift, and it was this which woke me up instantly...


Holding my door half open, I froze, with my mouth wide open, having my eyes fixed on that note. My mind went into a mess when I saw this, and the "heart" was in my thoughts as I went to report for work.

I kept asking myself if this "heart" was just to disturb me or did it have an additional meaning to it.

I guess it's my character that I like definite answers to things and there are certain things I'm very strict about. Whether it is going to affect anything, that's a separate issue.

I have been thinking about this drawing for quite a while in the night. I wanted to know the significance of this, even though I know it is not going to make a difference to whatever the meaning of it is. I think it would be really obvious what it meant if it's not from an angmo, but because it's an angmo who drew this on my door, I have to admit that an attempt to disturb me is highly possible.

Sadly, I'm not as open as how I look.

If that drawing is a way to cheer me up after my continuous night shift, I gladly appreciate that kind gesture. But I think a drawing of a heart doesn't seem appropriate, at least to me, it isn't. I'm conservative in my own ways, and I don't quite like people giving me wrong signals. Whether I have feelings or not for that person, it is disturbing to me. And because it's him who drew it, it's even more disturbing.

Since we've become colleagues, I have always had a very good impression of him. The way he cared for his little sister left a very deep impression. It was a sight which touched me. For many years, I have always been really skeptical abt angmo guys, and do not wish to get too close to them. In fact, I don't talk to them unless necessary. But he's the first angmo guy I like talking to and feel comfortable talking to. To me, he wasn't the typical angmo, and I guess this very good impression is stirring this weird feeling in me.

But after I saw a photo in Facebook, I didn't want to know the significance of that drawing anymore. And it hit me hard that angmos are angmos afterall. They have almost the same mentality, and their personality is just too open for a conservative me to accept. I suddenly realised that there isn't a point. I'm not going leave Dearie if there's a 2nd meaning to that drawing. But if that "heart" was meant to make me smile, it sort of backfired to an extent, because of reasons I have mentioned, and I don't like seeing it as a way of flirting (because my impression of him is that he's not a flirt) and I don't like flirting. It's not his fault actually...it's just me...my likes and dislikes.

Anyway, I got over with it after some quiet moments, and went for my handover at dawn. I wasn't expecting to see him, as I wasn't expecting him to be on call again. But apparently, he swapped his calls with someone, so he was on call again in the morning.

When I saw him, it did shock me a little, and I did feel slightly awkward, but tried hard not to show it. My mind went into a blank again and...

Me: When did u draw that heart?

Him: Hahahaha...yesterday..

Me: Why did u draw it?

Him: What's wrong with it?

Me: *didn't know what to say*

Him: Do u appreciate my drawing?

Me: *silent*

Him: Apparently not...

Me: Why should I? It's a heart... (I said this very quietly, so I'm sure he didn't hear it)

I left the ward and went back to my accomodation, with an odd feeling within me which I couldn't quite describe. A little bit of anger, a little bit of confusion, a little bit of disappointment.

I went to the living room to clear my mind. But I think my odd feeling just resulted in me taking the marker to draw this pile of dung on the white board, with an arrow pointing to it with this message "This is for u. Do u appreciate my drawing? Thanks for your drawing." I felt better after drawing that, and went back to my room to sleep.

And this evening, I went to the living room again, and froze when I saw what happened to the dung. Apparently, he went to erase it, replaced with a heart, leaving the arrow and message intact. I don't know why, but I just can't laugh when I saw that.

I wasn't quite myself when Dearie called me too. Fortunately he didn't sense it at all. Dearie sounded really happy hearing my voice (we haven't been talking much recently because he has to take his Mum to the hospital everyday for treatment), and it was his excitement which made me feel a tinge of guilt. I love Dearie. I still really do.

Suddenly, I wish Dearie would be here. I am feeling scared, and I know I'm being totally silly for being scared. I really need a hug frm him now.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

You know you're happy when u're smiling even when u're walking, and knowing that even though u're alone, there's always someone there thinking of u and being mentally next to you. :)

That's how I'm feeling right now. Blessed. Happy. Loved.

Nope, nothing extraordinary happened. I'm just feeling happy abt the way things has been for me and Dearie. I'm thankful and appreciative of things he has done to lessen my loneliness abroad. Even though we're still half the world apart, sometimes it feels as if he's actually right next to me.

Him: It's late now. R u tired? R u sleeping soon?
Me: Ya, I'm quite tired, but I wanted to stay up to wait for u. I know I should be sleeping now, but I don't want to leave u..
Him: Ok..leave the webcam on. I'll stay here and accompany you while u go to sleep.
Me: REALLY?!
Him: Yes...good night darling..
Me: Good night..

I went to sleep smiling. I haven't felt so secured for some time. I remember the days whereby I'll refuse to go to sleep for various reasons, and Dearie would stay by my side until I doze off. He would normally be reading a book while staying beside me, and it was comforting hearing him sniffing away or clearing his throat while I had my eyes closed.

My speakers were left on as I went to bed. And I was able to hear him clearing his throat and sniffing again. It was really comfortable hearing these noises, and I actually fell asleep really quickly. Woke up still feeling loved too. Hehehehe...

Sunday, March 23, 2008

What a sight!


Isn't this just beautiful?
If only Dearie will take me to Dalian to see this.
Heard that it's going to be turned into a hotel which will open in 2009. I would really really love to spend a night with Dearie there.
(Photo courtesy of Snoshuu)

STUPID DRAMAS

In an attempt to save money, I switched to watching korean dramas online instead of watching dramas from MobTV (cos korean dramas are free...hahahahha...).

Thanks to Ruoying's recommendation, I started off watching Hwang Jin Yi, and honestly, I don't understand the plot very much. I just know it's abt some korean geisha with a sad life. I reckon I have a problem understanding because I was struggling with reading the "fan ti" mandarin subtitles...sigh..

ANYWAY..

I went on to "Lovers in Prague" and it's not the best drama series on earth, but reasonable enough to let me kill time during the evenings in this boring place.

And now I'm watching "My Girl"...since Granny said it's good.

BUT honestly, I'm drastically bored with the story plots in Korean drama. Trust me, it's really sickening after you've watched a number of them.

The typical plot is always this girl who either has such a miserable life since she's young or so poor that she's living in some tiny house in the dumps. Her parents either died when she was still a young kid, or are in jail, or owe people debts, or are always on the run. Aiya, anyway, to keep things simple. The type of life she has is just horrid, and no one will want such a life.

Yet the thing is, this girl always seem to be happy and simple in her thoughts. And she will always have some good buddies.

Then there is always this guy who is supposed to be cool, handsome, filthy rich, very highly educated, multitalented and with an excellent family background. Every girl's typical Prince Charming...but only in the dreams cos seriously, I don't think such guys exist (wait till I meet one then I'll change my mind).

There will also be another girl who is supposed to be tall, sexy, pretty, fashionable, and comes from a rich family. She's also the one who will always flock around this Prince (yah..always calling him "Oppa....Oppa..." *rolls eyes*). The Prince usually either dreads or loves her.

Not to forget, there'll be another guy in the plot who is supposed to be less handsome, rich (but not supposed to be richer that the Prince). He will always be there to protect the poor girl, making sure she doesn't get hurt. He'll also do a lot of things for her, but the poor girl doesn't know that he loves her and treats him like a really good friend. To sum things up, this guy, no matter how good he is, he's destined to be a loser in the show.

And one day, the Prince bumps into this poor girl, and they tend to get into an argument the first time they meet cos the Prince is always acting cool. For some strange reason, they will keep bumping into each other (like as if Seoul is that small), and will always argue with each other. The poor girl hates the Prince, and vice versa.

But one fine day, this hate relationship turns into love (normally the Prince will start liking the poor girl, sometimes it becomes the other way round. Whatever it is, they will end up liking each other). Then the rich girl will start becoming jealous and reveal her ugly side by either trying to harm/frame the poor girl.

The Prince, who has already fallen for the poor girl, will then be thrown into a confusion state for a while. But each time he sees this poor girl, he will feel a strong urge to protect and care for her. And when he realises that she's hurt because of the rich girl, he'll start raging and then turn nasty towards the rich girl and dump her if they're a couple to begin with. The rich girl will be very sad and decide to leave Korea to go overseas to study.

Then finally, the Prince and the poor girl becomes a couple.

Ha..and so you thought they lived happily ever after...

Next comes the typical Korean parents who will go against the son's relationship with this poor girl because she's poor, is an orphan (like as if it's her fault that her parents died..piangz..), didn't go to school much etc. Then the Prince will start feeling troubled.

And at some point of the show, this poor girl will get hurt by the Prince for different reasons and cries all the time. The loser will, for crap reasons, always appear when she's crying. He will then comfort her and try to cheer her up, and then look for the Prince another day to wack him (in practically every Korean drama I watched, there's always scenes of guys wacking each other....why ah? To show that Korean guys are manly? Or to glorify Taekwondo?). Then the Prince will always be the one losing the fight because he loses his will to retaliate when he knows that he's being wacked by the loser because the poor girl is being hurt very badly (all thanks to him).

The Prince and the poor girl will go through a lot, dragging the whole show, and making the poor viewers cry their eyes out during every episode watching how they ai dao yao si yao huo. Sigh.

The last bit is the tricky part. Something major will happen and then things start getting better. The Korean parents will start giving in. The 2 lovebirds then live happily ever after.

That's Korean drama for you.

It fascinates me though. I'm sure everyone who has watched K dramas before know that their plots are never changing. Yet we still watch them....hahah...why ah?

I'm also not surprised that guys HATE it when their gfs watch Kdramas, because the guys in the show are always doing romantic things, saying touching stuffs, and seem oh-so-cool-and-manly (actually that's called MCP), whilst in reality, it doesn't happen (maybe it only happens to Korean couples lah..I don't know..) and the gf who tends to compare their bfs to the guy in the K drama, will start grumbling.

There's this thing I dread abt the Korean girls in the dramas. They're always being shouted at by the guys for various reasons (guys deserve to be slapped for shouting loudly at a girl), and they only grumble behind the guy's back, but don't usually shout back. WHY?! Gosh, I would definitely shout back at the guy if he shouted at me for no reason.

And the K drama guys love pulling girls away by their wrist when they want the girl to leave with them. Imagine the girl not wanting to leave, and getting pulled, it can hurt if the guy is grabbing her wrist too tightly. I reckon girls will think the guy is cool when he does that, but to me, it's only cool if I like the guy (hahahahahaha) and it SUCKS if the guy isn't someone I like. The Kdrama girl will always be led by the wrist whether or not she's willing to leave. WHY?! If it's me, I'll shake my wrist off if I'm unwillingly to go and if it's someone I don't like who is holding my wrist.

Damn..dread it when girls act oh-so-vulnerable when they're not! Talking abt that reminds me of the Jackie Chan and Kim Hee San movie...forgot what the movie title is. Remember the scene of KHS sitting in this sedan chair which is almost falling off some cliff? There u have Jackie Chan, the supposed to be manly soldier, who is trying so hard to stop the sedan chair from dropping off the cliff, that he looks like he's terribly constipated with his almost turning purple face, and yet u have that dumb ass KHS sitting in there, looking at him with her pair of innocent eyes going "Save me". I mean, honestly, in a real situation, will this ever happen? NO! It's only natural instinct of a human to try and find a way to escape, not sit there like an idiot and looking pitiful, doing absolutely nothing to save oneself. Imagine having this girl in this straw house which has caught fire, and when u're trying to save her, all she does is stand by the window calmly, looking at u with watery eyes, when she can actually save herself by jumping out of that window which opens easily. Maybe girls in the ancient days are like that, I don't know.

Ok...enough of my rants abt dramas. I should go and do something more constructive...hahaha.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Lucky fella

Sometimes, I think my bf's the luckiest guy alive because of the things I do for him...lol. Ok, maybe he's not THAT lucky afterall since..

1. I'm not pretty, which is kinda sad. Imagine having someone fugly hold your hand...

2. I gross him out with my experiences at work and with photos of gruesome lesions, resulting in him being nauseous

3. I make sure he wakes up to talk to me even though he's sleepy

4. I insist that I like the way I pronounce my mandarin words even if it's wrong, and I like throwing in all my "lah, leh, hor"s even though he thinks it sounds terrible.

5. I swear when I'm in such a foul mood that I need to vent it with words (and now I've even mastered swear words said by PRC ppl)

6. I'm so slack that I don't even care whether I'm a girl at times and need to be reminded

7. I make his job hunt hell simply because I'm Singaporean and he better try and get his ass down in Sg permanently

8. I ask him to go sleep in the toilet if I want to have the whole bed for myself (obviously he won't go zzz in the toilet...he'll juz grumble of which i'll choose to ignore and then he will sleep on the floor for a while before he decides to squeeze his way onto the bed)

9. I make his ears suffer with all my rants (especially on my bad days which do happen quite often...hahahahaa)

And the list goes on..

BUT BUT BUT!!!!!!!

I've been preparing some presents for him recently!!! How sweet am I?!

Dearie mentioned before that his past admirers would give him little presents, but when I first liked him (which was like ages ages ago), I didn't even do anything.

Sigh. However, I did give him little presents after we became a couple and I would buy him expensive presents on important occasions (I bought him a Mount Blanc Fountain Pen for Xmas which cost a bomb!) even though I stinge on myself.

And now I'm making presents for him too.

I've been spending a lot of time doing this slide show. This slide show was supposed to be my 1st year anniversary (it's way overdue) present to him, but I've been so busy with my studies during then that I didn't manage to complete it. Have been spending time recently to do it. Am kinda glad that it's about 70% done..muahaha. But I reckon it's still gonna take quite a while since I'll have a lot of touching up to do at the end of it all. Might post it up here once it's finished and u'll know why I've been taking so long to do it and how much effort it takes.

I was sitting on my desk when suddenly this idea came to me. I bought a cross stitch set online, and am hoping to finish it soon so that I can give it to him when I see him the next time...

Me: Lao gong, I'm going to sew for u...hehehehe
Dear: What? Sew?! U?! I think u better forget abt it. I don't think I want to see u getting pricked all the time.
Me: AY! WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?! U trying to say I'm clumsy is it?
Dear: No. I'm just worried u'll injure yourself.
Me: I won't. Even if I do, I still feel happy doing it. Ay, u know...suddenly I feel as if I'm gonna turn into some "shu nu" like those in the ancient days doing embroidery for their loved ones...
Dear: HAHAHHAHHAHAHA...I think u should stop dreaming and go to bed
Me: .........

I've actually spent 14 hours yesterday sewing, and 13 hours today doing it. Yesterday was the really horrid one, because I was concentrating so much until my vision went a bit bonkers when I tried to surf the internet after I decided to call it a day for my sewing. And I woke up with a sore arm and a VERY sore neck. In fact, my back is aching quite badly too.

HA! Wait till I show him my 2 masterpieces...betcha he'll be so touched that he'll weep...hahahhahhaha. And I'll tell him that the presents he's got from all those girls before are NO MATCH for mine. In terms of effort, I'm sure I beat all of them ok! HMPF!

Monday, March 17, 2008

Nightmares

*groans* I wanna change into my tee and shorts and sleeeeeeppp now....grrrrr...

My sleep for the past few nights have been horrendous and nightmare-filled, so much so that I practically wake up in shock, finding myself in cold sweat with a racing pounding heart.

My nightmares have been the weird...

I dreamt of myself being in this birdpark cum zoo. And I couldn't quite understand why there was a huge cage with thick iron bars behind the flamingo pond. Don't really know what's in that cage, but with the thickness of the iron bars, surely it must be either some ferocious tiger, lion, jaguar, panther...aiyah..to cut it short..it can't be any nice animal (I didn't think about dinosaurs though..hahaa). Then there were 2 pelicans quite near me who suddenly started fighting, and in that lame nightmare, I remembered my brother telling me once that when pelicans fight, they get into such a foul mood, that they'll not just fight with each other, they'll even bite anything around them, including humans. I tried to run away from those 2 pelicans, but I guess it was too late because they started charging towards me. I was kinda tempted to run to the flamingo pond, but wasn't keen to get too near to that cage as well..so basically, I'm at a dead end. Then just when these 2 pelicans were about to give me a major pecking session, I woke up in shock.

End of nightmare 1.

Nightmare 2..

I was admiring this very smooth nose bridge of this girl in my dream, and decided that I shall go and get a nose job done. So off I went and tadah! A new nose! But when I looked into the mirror, my nose bridge was like that of the witch in Snow White and the 7 drawfs!!!!! The parrot type, plus my nose looked so huge and ugly! And I woke up in shock...sigh..

Nightmare 3..

I was talking to someone in my dream, and suddenly I hear someone weeping. "Hmm...someone else is in the room" I told my friend (I can't even rem who it is...), and both of us went to hunt for this mysterious person. The sound seemed to have come from under the bed, so I just looked under, hoping to catch hold of that person. But something seemed to have run and disappear in a flash towards the dressing table, and when I turned round to look, I saw a pair of feet with a green venflon (what the hell...even venflons are appearing in my nightmares) attached looking shocked and scared (ok..it didn't have eyes...but u can kinda tell when it jumped when it saw me). It did scare the wits out of me because it didn't have a head or body...just 2 feet with 10 toes and a venflon. And I got up in shock...

Nightmare 4

I was dating this old man who's some Consultant (old enough to be my grandpa..like as if that's not shocking enough...*rolls eyes*) and then after giving him a massive hug, I decided to get on with my life and carry on with my work in the hospital (dunno where this hospital is..). Into the lift I went, and was planning to get to the 13th storey. Within 2 seconds, the lift had reached the 12th storey and I knew something was wrong. Then I realised the lift is going at a crazy speed which is increasing more and more by the seconds, and soon, it had hit like 90+ storeys when in my dream, I remembered that the hospital building is only like 20+ storeys high. Then when I looked out of the glass panel of the lift, I realised I was in space (?!?!?!?!). I wasn't that scared of whether the lift was gonna go any higher and maybe pop out of the galaxy, but I was more worried about it plunging at an insane speed down. And apparently, it did...and I got up in shock.

Sigh..

Didn't get a nightmare last night, but I still got up in the middle of the night because I was feeling a bit warm and thirsty. And couldn't quite go back to sleep after that.

Damn irritating to have disturbed sleep when I haven't been sleeping early. Been staying up so that I can ring Dearie. It's becoming more and more of a habit to hear his voice before I go to sleep.

Can't wait for me to finish work for the day, so that I can take a short nap..

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Time flies..

I gave a big sigh while looking out of my window, into the cold wet roads and hospital surroundings.

Time has gone by so quickly that it's quite hard to believe that I'm going to be 26 this year.

Lots of memories of my student days came back as I got bored and took a peek into my friends' website and of course, into Friendster - the ultimate tool to check out people whom u know but don't talk to and also the best way to find out how they are.

Saw a lovely photo posted by a friend of her best pals, all of them being my secondary school classmates. I smiled while looking at that photo even though I'm not in it (I bet they'll burn the photo if I was in there...hahaha). I was admiring their smiles. They looked so young then. To think we didn't even think we looked young during those days.

It made me realise we've all grown up without realising it.

We've all went onto different routes to pursue our dreams, and moved into a new phase in life.

I miss my student days, especially the ones in BV...

I can't help but smile as I recall these...

BV Days
1. Crying each time I didn't get my desired grades
2. Running my ass off during track & field competitions just to fight for medals and trophies to add to my collection
3. Spent the entire night altering my skirt length (obviously I did a crap job since I don't own a sewing machine) just to compete with someone I dread to see whose skirt is shorter
4. Purchasing branded bags since it was the "in" thing
5. Trying to understand how some girls manage to breathe when they tuck in their blouses so tightly into their skirts, and I actually went home to try it (...and I found it hard to breathe and cos my figure sucks, so there wasn't much a point in me doing what they did)
6. Checking out the bras other girls were wearing
7. Dragging someone's red bag on the floor until it turned black because I dread that bag's owner
8. Refusing to pay attention during Chinese lessons, and only panicked my shit out when the O levels got nearer
9. Forming a team with my good buddies before any chinese test, so that we can pass our own test paper around and get our friends to fill in the answers for us (and by the time the test paper was ready to be handed in, u'll find the answers are filled in with more than 5 different pens..yet we didn't give much of a damn even if the teacher knew)
10. Imitating Ms Tan Yee Kim's "Shhhaaa...shhhaaa...shhaaaafffiiiqqq...."
11. Singing songs with Huishan (this woman sings hell of a lot in class manz..we used to call her "Ah Mei")
12. Dreaming day and night with a friend about becoming a doctor one day (he ended up becoming a dentist!)
13. Manicly copying homework, especially after school holidays (we actually used to publicly announce it in class..."Ay! Anyone finish Page 24 of the Geography workbook or not? Want to copy leh!")
14. Tearing up our storybooks into parts during "silent reading" to distribute to our friends who have forgotten to bring their books just so that they don't have to stand up in the hall (u'll find one person having Chapters 1-4, while another having Chapters 5-9 etc...)
15. Pasting "branded" adverts from magazines onto the front or back cover of our textbooks (now I wonder what's the point of that...to make the books "branded"?)
16. Dumping our books under our tables and into carton boxes in the side cupboards so that we don't have to bring so many books home
17. How my heart would race when I see this guy I secretly admired (until the secret was told to the whole world by some big mouth)

TJC Days
1. Hanging out all the time with 3 other girls (we were ONE gang)
2. Sleeping during lectures
3. Being late for school many times, and u'll always hear a loud sound from me throwing all my bags and books down onto the floor when that bloody student council president shouts "Sekolah!"
4. Me slurping my can of Soya Bean after PE
5. Being late for EVERY swimming lesson, and then pretending to swim in the pool and getting out as soon as I start seeing those who finished their laps heading for the toilet to shower.
6. Comparing with Lemon (my best Jc Buddy) to see who failed more subjects after exams
7. Searching our names from the bottom of the list after every GP exam
8. How the 4 of us girls will check out on each other's boob size to see if they've grown..hahahaha.
9. Competing with a friend to see who finishes the Maths tutorials first
10. Having my "friendly neighbour" (this guy gave himself this title...) who will come to my house without any formal invitation and crap with my parents, and reminding me to sleep early
11. Going to Orchard Road alone after school to walk around and enjoy my cup of Ice-blended Mocha
12. Spending Saturday mornings in TJC doing Biology MCQs since my Biology tutor thinks I'm so condemn that she needs to give me remedial lessons
13. Laughing my ass out whenever that insane Lemon tells me she needs to shit whilst running that dreaded 2.4km
14. Doing the "Chu4 Nu3 Xin1 Jing1" dance with Lemon in class
15. Watching Lemon do her Music Theory while I'll be writing/drawing nonsense all over my tutorial book during tutorials (it's no wonder why our grades were bad...lol)

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Argh..I wanna bang the wall!!!!!

Dearie must be super hurt about what I said. Fuck! Why didn't I think before I say anything!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Damn, I really dread myself for being toooooo honest!!!!!

AAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

****Edited***

Great..now I'm in for real shit..

Him: I'm very disappointed..I need some time alone. Don't worry abt me. I'll be fine after a sleep. I'll contact u tmr..

And ever since we stopped talking, I can't believe how slow the time passes...worse than the speed of the snail..

I know the last person he wants to hear from now is me, but I am DESPERATE to call him and see how he is.

Something he said slapped me real hard in the face...

"I have started to give my all to care for u, and recently, things have been getting better for us. Because of u, I refused to obey my dad's wishes. I even had a big row with him. Because of u, I have been looking for jobs and finding ways to move to Singapore. Because I miss u and I know that I have hurt u by not talking more to u yesterday, I decided to stay up and wait for you tonight to come back from work to talk to u..."

No, I didn't do anything to betray him. But I suppose taking someone else as his replacement is almost as bad.

I should remind myself that I am attached, be more sensitive and draw a very very clear line.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Obsession with Cross Infection Prevention

For fark's sake, PLEASE CUT DOWN THE NUMBER OF HDU NURSES IN THIS HOSPITAL PLEEEEEAAAASSSSEEEE!!!!

If it's 1:1 patient:nurse care in HDU, does it mean that it's 1:2 or even 1:3 in ITU?!

Gosh, this HDU ratio is driving every doctor in this hospital up the wall, simply because the nurses there are just "chi bao mei shi zuo", so they bleep us over every single thing, and watch over us like a nanny when we're attending to the patient.

Fortunately, for the time being, I have only ONE patient in that ward. ONE is enough to handle in that insane place.

Why?

I was asked to take blood from this patient who is swelled up (thank u very much..). A Registrar told me this before, "If u can't find a vein, just head straight for the artery".

Great, the best chance to try today. I can't be bothered to get the patient up onto the bed to do a femoral stab, so I just headed straight for the radial artery.

But before I could even say "Hi" to the patient...

Nurse: Doctor, maybe u'll like to put some hand gel *runs over and pours some gel on my hands..*

*I was just abt to say "Hi" to the patient*

Nurse: Doctor, I think u should put on an apron.

Me: Fine. *goes to look for the apron*

Nurse: There's none on left side of this bed. There is some on the right side of the bed.

*I looked around. Couldn't find any, so I went to get one from the bed of the next patient*

Nurse: Doctor, u've gone too far now. U didn't have to go to the next patient's bed.

Me: ...... *tempted to say "Does it matter??!?!?!?!?!"*

*I approached the patient, got my bits and pieces ready and...*

Nurse: Doctor, I think u cannot use this torniquet. Disposable ones please. This is HDU. *he then hurriedly take my torniquet away from me and gave me this disposable rubber one*

*I searched for a vein. Couldn't find it. Heck it, radial artery's my aim now. Cleanse the skin and held the needle in my hand, all ready to go...then...*

Nurse: Doctor, why are taking it from the artery?

Me: He's all swollen. I can't find a vein, so what's wrong with the artery?

Nurse: It's venous we want..

Me: It doesn't matter whether u take it from the artery or vein for these tests u want *me thinking "WTF! If u can take blood from a central/arterial line normally, what is the problem with me taking blood from an artery now? Same right?!"*

Nurse: Ok...

*About to stab the patient..*

Nurse: Doctor, I think u cannot use that needle for an artery. That needle is for a vein. U should use another type of needle.

Me: It doesn't matter. And I want to use this because I'm taking it from the artery. I want to assure a flashback!

Nurse: But I don't think u can use that.

Me: Why not? I've seen it being done before.

He's definitely trying to piss my ass off. So I decided to ignore further comments and got the bloods I need.

Piangz!!!!!!

I was certainly boiling within, but managed to keep my cool. Like wtf is wrong with these people? First, u claim that u can't take blood, yet here u are commenting about how I take blood.

And with that "Cross Infection" prevention, honestly, I think the way it's being done is CRAP!

Reasons:

1. Apron
What's the point of wearing it when it's not even sterile in the first place, and neither is it kept in a sterile environment?

2. Torniquet
The disposable ones are not sterile either. And I'm tying it high up on the arm, not on some wound, and I'm not stabbing the torniquet to get blood right?

3. Clothes
All the crazy fuss about ties, sleeves, clothes being in contact with patients. Gosh...shall we all examine patients naked then? Or should we all be given sterile theatre gowns before going into that insane ward? And if doctors' clothes are full of infections, nurses' uniforms are full of them too!

If there's that much obsession with infection prevention, then...

1. Patients should all each be enclosed in a sterile ward

2. Hospital staff who goes in there should be in sterile gowns from top to toe...wear weird sterile head masks to make sure no cells on the human body is being exposed.

3. Get rid of all the curtains which are made of cloth, and get disposable ones

And the list can go on.

Basically, this apron n glove business is just for show, and some mad people are just overtly obsessed cos they got nothing better to do.

If prevention is taken THAT seriously, then in the first place, I wouldn't be asked by some nurse to take blood from some TB patient and told this, "Doctor, just go in with an apron and glove. Forget abt the mask."

It's multidrug resistant TB for goodness sake. It's the same as asking me to go in without a mask to take blood from a SARS patient.

And I had to hold my breath while being in the room, and thank goodness the patient didn't cough into my face when I was taking blood.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

My annual leave - Beijing

While waiting for my rice to cook, I shall blog about my annual leave.

I went to Beijing and home during the 2 weeks, and I enjoyed myself a lot. It was a bit depressing coming back to the UK, but seeing familiar faces in the hospital helped perk me up, and having things to do at work definitely made me feel better too.

My trip to Beijing was fantastic, and Dearie was obviously the most important reason to it. I was bursting with joy when I saw him eagerly standing at the arrival hall, waving vigorously at me. A lot of people were looking at us, when he gave me a big hug and kiss in front of the crowd *blush*.

The Beijing airport, the crowded roads, the surroundings, and of course the rudeness of some Chinese....I relived them all. I was enjoying the car ride when Dearie drove me to Du Jing Yuan (his apartment). And for the first time, I knew how it felt like sitting to my bf while he drove. Weird enough, I felt a great sense of security...pure happiness. And it made me happier when he held my hand while driving, with occasional kisses when the traffic lights turn red.

My first dinner was Korean BBQ at the Quan Jin Cheng branch near to DJY. I was all excited about the meal. Dearie ordered so much food, but I loved the beef most. The sashimi was quite a let down though..wasn't that good. We bumped into his Dad's friends there, one of whom Dearie is very close to and has told me about before. This uncle, who is a freaking rich guy and owns a massive company in China, picked up the tab.

"Woah..u've met the people u have to meet in China, and now u've even met those whom there was not much need to too" Dearie said. Apparently, his dad's friend came over to our table to talk to me after Dearie told him he's brought me to the restaurant for dinner. He's a really nice guy, very fatherly :)

Spent most of my days in Beijing shopping in Wang Fu Jing and Xi Dan. Visited my few favourite stores there, and it was fun having Dearie picking clothes for me to try. I really enjoyed coming out of the dressing room with the clothes and modelling in front of Dearie. I was pleased when I managed to buy some clothes.

Went to NE.Tiger, a local brand shop selling gowns. This shop sells very elegant gowns for very formal occasions, and everytime I walk past this shop, I'll spend a lot of time admiring the window displays. Dearie wanted to buy me a gown from this shop, but the price was way over the top when we went in to have a look at their collection. I saw the chinese "kua", the traditional 2-piece which the bride wears during the wedding. It was really beautifully made!!!

I also had dinner at Dolar (www.dolarshop.com), a steamboat restaurant. The ambience of this place is really good, and from the lovely classy decor, we thought it would be costly. I love this place (I actually went back there again 2 days later!) so much because it offers a wide range of ingredients to choose from, and the variety of soup available was amazing. Hygiene wasn't an issue in this restaurant either, because we each had our own hot pot to put our ingredients in. Every plate of ingredients served was served neatly with pretty garnishing, and the presentation of this "meat combination special" was fantastic. The thin slices of meat were divided into 3 bowls, each accompanied with vegetable garnishings, and the bowls were placed in a ladder descending form.

2 thumbs up for their service as well! Dearie and I bought a cake to celebrate our very belated birthdays and 28th month anniversary (yeah!!! we accomplished one of the items on our "to do list"), and their observant staff not only came over to wish us happy birthday, but also presented us with a huge complimentary fruit platter and a bowl of longevity noodles placed on a plate with "Sheng Ri Kuai Le" written on it. It was a surprise for the both of us. Gosh, where on earth in Singapore will u have such a service without having to ask for it?!?!?!??!

I'll definitely recommend anyone to go to this restaurant for a meal. In terms of price, Dearie and I paid less than S$40 dollars per meal.

It was nice meeting up with Dearie's friends again, and because Dearie knew I missed KTV, he arranged a KTV session with them. We didn't go to "Gui Bin Lou" this time, but I still enjoyed myself at another KTV lounge (can't rem the name). The ambience was reasonable, but no where comparable to the classy former. Dearie sang a few songs for me. Even though he isn't a good singer, I was really happy for the big effort he's made.

Family meeting was definitely not missed out in my trip.

It was great seeing his mum, stepdad and stepsis. I enjoyed having dinner with them, and they have specially cooked my favourite dishes (they actually remembered what I enjoyed eating from my last trip!). Spent quite a lot of time chatting with them, and playing with Dearie's dogs. Tony (Dearie's favourite dog) was still scared of me as usual, but he actually came to sniff and lick me at some point. Lu-Lu was still barking all the time at me (pissing Dearie off..hahaha), but will always quietly stay by my side whenever I'm munching something with her pair of innocent eyes, waiting for me to feed her.

Dearie drove us all to the suburbs after dinner to give me my first and unforgettable experience - playing with big fireworks and firecrackers. Knowing that I have never in my life played with firecrackers or played with big fireworks, Dearie went to buy a few boxes of fireworks and this super long bunch of firecrackers. The fireworks were costly, costing about S$60 for each box.

"Here, light it up" Dearie said, handing a lighter. After the hissing started, he held my hand and both of us ran a distance away. Bits shot up from the boxes, exploding into really big fireworks and making very loud noises. I started jumping with joy when it happened. The feeling of watching the fireworks u sent off into the sky was totally different from seeing it on National Day. It was more beautiful, and a lot more fun. It was a wonderful feeling watching the giant fireworks "spraying" down on you like a fountain.

Dearie lited up the firecrackers, because he was worried of it injuring and scaring me. The cracking sound was really loud, and again, I was jumping non stop when it happened.

I also met up with his dad, stepmum, uncle, aunt and cousin at some point in my trip. His dad had specially booked an earlier flight back from Hainan to welcome me. He also bought me 2 necklaces and a bracelet. I was quite worried this time, and talked very much lesser to him. I guess I couldn't quite get over the fact of what's been going on, and was worried of saying things which might offend/upset him.

I am feeling consoled that he's still been nice to me during my current trip, which was something I didn't expect. When I went to his house, he excitedly showed me what he has bought from Hainan, and spoke quite a bit to me after the delicious jiaozi lunch his stepmum made, asking me if my family's well and how my job is doing in the UK. Through the conversation, I also got to know what his retirement plans are. The visit left me with many thoughts. Like all parents, his dad hopes to live near to Dearie after Dearie gets married, so that he can go to Dearie's place to take his grandchildren out for some fun. I can sense how much he wishes for this to happen, and I didn't want to give any comments as I didn't wish to upset him. He was smiling as he was mentioning abt this, and I didn't want to ruin that joyful feeling in him. I also know that he's hoping that I'll migrate and work in China, because at some point, he said "If u feel sad leaving China, I'll find u a job in the hospital here".

Anyway, he said something which surprised me...

"I sent my son to an military university, because I was hoping that he'll become a high ranking army official. Nothing is better than being a government official in China, because the country takes care of you even after u retire. But my son insisted that he wants to go overseas after he finished his undergraduate studies and became an officer, so I sent him abroad. And the best thing that happened to him overseas was to meet u and be with u."

I was almost moved to tears when he said it. But part of me didn't know if what he said is true from the bottom of his heart, or just words to make me happy. I wanted to know if this is the truth, but I didn't have the courage to ask. I only asked Dearie if his dad meant it after we left the house, and according to Dearie, his dad was sincere when he said it. Hmm..I hope it's true.

His dad brought me to dinner at a posh 5-star seafood restaurant - Shun Feng. We were greeted by 2 rows of waitresses, who bowed together while saying "Huan Ying Guan Ling" as we walked in. We were then led by another waitress to the VIP room. I thought I had walked into a posh hotel when I first entered. The restaurant was so well decored.

I spent quite a bit of time admiring the pictures, wall and ceiling decorations when I went into the VIP room, before savouring the sumptous meal. The presentation of every dish served was done nicely with carvings. The dishes were delicious too. And the lobster head was still moving when the waitress brought in the lobster sashimi!!!

It was a great relief when Dearie and I went back to our lover's nest in DJY after dinner. Whenever we're with his Dad, there is always this feeling of tension in us rising for very strange reasons. We would always be on guard at all times about what we say, how we behave towards each other, and our movement. It was like some "meeting with the emperor" session for us and Dearie said this is how he has been feeling and what he has been going through since he was young...hahahahaha.

Dearie took me to Ghost Street aka "Gui Jie" for supper. This street is given this name because it is always busy in the night. I was welcomed by bright lights along the streets when we arrived. Almost every restaurant on this streets sells the same food, and I can imagine how fierce competition is. I was admiring all the lights as Dearie led me to the restaurant he patronises frequently. Most of the dishes in the menu were spicy. Dearie ordered a few non-spicy food for me, mostly barbecued stuffs.

However, what made me very touched that evening was when Dearie deshelled some of the prawns (he ordered this very very spicy dish of prawns which looked like baby lobsters) for me, saying that it'll be less spicy for me this way, and I'll find it easier to eat it.

I was sheltered with lots of love from Dearie during my time in Beijing, and I slept really well every night in his arms. It also filled me with happiness every morning when I wake up, finding him awake but lying next to me.

Basically, both of us were having such a great time together, that it was torturing for us on our last night together. Dearie actually shed tears on my last night in Beijing.

The worst moment was at the airport. I didn't want to leave at all, and even though Dearie was very sad, he still tried to smile and consoling me that very soon, we'll never be seperated again. "It'll be soon when we see each other again. I'll wait for u here in China. I'm saving money now, and I promise u that we'll never be separated again when I get to migrate to Singapore." he said before I left.

Dearie's been very good to me lately, especially after the parental disapproval issue. He is showing me a lot of concern, and spending a lot of time keeping in touch with me.

"I called u close to a hundred times when u went back home from UK, but your hp was off. I got really worried about u. I thought something had happened to u. Do u know that I get very worried now everyday if I don't hear your voice? I want to know everyday if u're well. If u're unable to call me, promise me that u'll at least send me a short message to let me know how u are, ok?" Dearie said. I went speechless when he told me that over the phone 2 days ago because for the past 2 years, we've been having numerous big quarrels about this. Dearie has never thought it was important to keep in touch constantly with me, and told me that I was being ridiculous for insisting that he has to send me at least a message a day to let me know if he's well. He even shouted at me and slammed down the phone when he was in America over this 5 months ago. This is an indeed a major change, and with all that he's doing for me now, I am beginning to feel his love for me again. :)

Thanks a lot, Dearie...

Friday, March 07, 2008

Apart from getting rather lost in Sg, there was a major change. My relatives have started getting concerned about whether I'm attached. And to my great surprise, my parents didn't hide it at all, like they would normally do. Of course, that did please me since I didn't fancy the idea of having to hide Dearie's existence for no good reason.

Uncle: So is this serious?
Me: Ya..
Uncle: I mean, as in did both of u talk abt plans of getting married?
Me: Yes, but we can't put thoughts into proper action now because of our situation..
Uncle: True lah, very difficult hor? Major obstacle..

Sigh..

I'm really looking forward to the day whereby both of us can plan to make things real. We're finding it depressing to be envious of others around us, and surviving with electronic means of contact.

But Dearie's "There is still hope!" will somehow lift my spirits up.