A shocking message

I came out of the shower yesterday, still feeling sleepy and sianz abt having to start another night shift, and it was this which woke me up instantly...

Holding my door half open, I froze, with my mouth wide open, having my eyes fixed on that note. My mind went into a mess when I saw this, and the "heart" was in my thoughts as I went to report for work.

I kept asking myself if this "heart" was just to disturb me or did it have an additional meaning to it.

I guess it's my character that I like definite answers to things and there are certain things I'm very strict about. Whether it is going to affect anything, that's a separate issue.

I have been thinking about this drawing for quite a while in the night. I wanted to know the significance of this, even though I know it is not going to make a difference to whatever the meaning of it is. I think it would be really obvious what it meant if it's not from an angmo, but because it's an angmo who drew this on my door, I have to admit that an attempt to disturb me is highly possible.

Sadly, I'm not as open as how I look.

If that drawing is a way to cheer me up after my continuous night shift, I gladly appreciate that kind gesture. But I think a drawing of a heart doesn't seem appropriate, at least to me, it isn't. I'm conservative in my own ways, and I don't quite like people giving me wrong signals. Whether I have feelings or not for that person, it is disturbing to me. And because it's him who drew it, it's even more disturbing.

Since we've become colleagues, I have always had a very good impression of him. The way he cared for his little sister left a very deep impression. It was a sight which touched me. For many years, I have always been really skeptical abt angmo guys, and do not wish to get too close to them. In fact, I don't talk to them unless necessary. But he's the first angmo guy I like talking to and feel comfortable talking to. To me, he wasn't the typical angmo, and I guess this very good impression is stirring this weird feeling in me.

But after I saw a photo in Facebook, I didn't want to know the significance of that drawing anymore. And it hit me hard that angmos are angmos afterall. They have almost the same mentality, and their personality is just too open for a conservative me to accept. I suddenly realised that there isn't a point. I'm not going leave Dearie if there's a 2nd meaning to that drawing. But if that "heart" was meant to make me smile, it sort of backfired to an extent, because of reasons I have mentioned, and I don't like seeing it as a way of flirting (because my impression of him is that he's not a flirt) and I don't like flirting. It's not his fault actually...it's just me...my likes and dislikes.

Anyway, I got over with it after some quiet moments, and went for my handover at dawn. I wasn't expecting to see him, as I wasn't expecting him to be on call again. But apparently, he swapped his calls with someone, so he was on call again in the morning.

When I saw him, it did shock me a little, and I did feel slightly awkward, but tried hard not to show it. My mind went into a blank again and...

Me: When did u draw that heart?

Him: Hahahaha...yesterday..

Me: Why did u draw it?

Him: What's wrong with it?

Me: *didn't know what to say*

Him: Do u appreciate my drawing?

Me: *silent*

Him: Apparently not...

Me: Why should I? It's a heart... (I said this very quietly, so I'm sure he didn't hear it)

I left the ward and went back to my accomodation, with an odd feeling within me which I couldn't quite describe. A little bit of anger, a little bit of confusion, a little bit of disappointment.

I went to the living room to clear my mind. But I think my odd feeling just resulted in me taking the marker to draw this pile of dung on the white board, with an arrow pointing to it with this message "This is for u. Do u appreciate my drawing? Thanks for your drawing." I felt better after drawing that, and went back to my room to sleep.

And this evening, I went to the living room again, and froze when I saw what happened to the dung. Apparently, he went to erase it, replaced with a heart, leaving the arrow and message intact. I don't know why, but I just can't laugh when I saw that.

I wasn't quite myself when Dearie called me too. Fortunately he didn't sense it at all. Dearie sounded really happy hearing my voice (we haven't been talking much recently because he has to take his Mum to the hospital everyday for treatment), and it was his excitement which made me feel a tinge of guilt. I love Dearie. I still really do.

Suddenly, I wish Dearie would be here. I am feeling scared, and I know I'm being totally silly for being scared. I really need a hug frm him now.