Crossline

Rang Dearie yesterday and a crossline caused me to start crying on the phone. Now, thinking back, I feel really stupid, yet I don't think I can be blamed for misunderstanding.

Apparently, I called Dearie about 6-8 times, and there was no answer. Then I tried again, but there was a message saying that the handphone is off. So I had another go, and this time, a girl picked up the phone. I was lost for words when I heard her voice.

I asked for my bf, and she started blabbering stuffs which I could not understand and then hung up on me.

My mind went blank for a few seconds. I wanted to know who this female is, and why would she pick up my bf's call at an early hour of 7.30am.

Sent a message to Dearie to ask him where he is and who that girl is. This sounds mad, but my heart broke instantly and I was crying when I sent him a sms.

It was a good thing Dearie replied 10 minutes later and asked me to call him. He was shocked when he heard that a girl picked up the call, because he was driving, and there is no one with him in the car. He didn't know his phone rang too, and was wondering how come I didn't call him.

I'm sure some girls who are extremely sensitive will say my bf probably was with a girl, and once he got my message, he decided to leave and drive elsewhere, and asked me to call him while he's driving. But I shall not think too much abt this, even though I admitted that I really thought he spent a night with another girl when she picked up the call, because there was an incident a few days ago whereby there was a crossline.

"Darling, I think u should have some trust in me.." he laughed and said.

Sigh..oh well...yes..I do trust him..but hey..wouldn't any girl start having thoughts of her bf spending a night with another girl behind her back if the phone wasn't answered a few times, then went off, then picked up by a girl?

Good thing he thought my paranoid thoughts can be accounted for, so he didn't sound irritated, but coaxed me while I was sobbing on the other side.

I was quite happy when he spent some time talking to me on the phone, and told me to call him later again because he really wants to talk to me.

My boy's going to America next week, and it seems like we're not going to be in touch for 2 weeks. I'm sure I'll miss him. Even though we don't talk very much to each other now, I know I'll miss his voice.

Have settled the bill for a present I've ordered for our 2nd anniversary, and Dearie is kept in suspense...hahaha. I'm sure he'll get a big surprise when he sees it. He promised that he'll be back in time for our 2nd year anniversary and I hope he'll keep his word.

Have kinda planned to spend a night in Cardiff for it. Hopefully our friend there won't bug us to go out till the wee hours, because we really want to spend some quiet quality moments together, and I won't fancy us getting tipsy and dragging our feet into the hotel, and sleep even before talking and cuddling.

Job satisfaction

I am extremely happy today!

I was given the chance to cardiovert a patient today myself, and it was successful. My lovely patient converted back from atrial fibrillation to sinus rhythm after I shocked him with a defibrillator.

When I met him to get his consent about the procedure, he told me it's his birthday. And I really really wanted this procedure to go smoothly, because I'm sure it'll make this birthday of his memorable...and apparently, I succeeded! He was still on oxygen, recovering from the anaesthetic when I brought him a birthday card which I specially bought and also telling him that I had succeeded in cardioverting him. That wide smile on his face made my day, and I was so surprised when he opened up his arms and gave me a huge hug.

If everything goes well with him, he'll be discharged tomorrow, and definitely, I'll see him again before he leaves.

Job satisfaction indeed. *bright smile*

I was having lunch with some SHOs today (aka MO in Singapore) and while we were chatting, it just happened that I told them that I only went back home at 8+pm.

SHO: Do u have a bf?
Me: Yes..
SHO: Then u should be spending time with him.
Me: He's not even here..

Then it reminded me of a nurse who asked me this last week...

Nurse: Michelle, how come u're always working beyond your hours? Even during the weekends, I see you coming to the wards. I think u should start living here.
Me: Why? What's wrong?
Nurse: Do you have a bf?
Me: Yes...

And this evening...

Nurse: R u married?
Me: No..what makes you think I am?
Nurse: There's a ring on your finger..
Me: That's a present from my bf..
Nurse: Ahhh..~


Sigh...I know it's just a simple question, but somehow, I think my colleagues must be talking amongst themselves about whether I am attached or married. Like they said, the hospital is like my 2nd home now, and I might as well live in the ward.

I admit that I am spending most of my time in the wards partly because Dearie isn't in UK. But at the same time, by spending more time in the ward, I get to know my patients well, and during ward rounds, I will be able to answer almost every question my Consultant asks abt the patient.

In fact, I am really pleased when, despite being busy on call, my Consultant specially request for my presence when she's doing a ward round for my ward even though she had my seniors with me, because she thinks I know my patients best.

I was busy doing jobs in the acute admissions unit, and wasn't able to be in my stable ward when the ward round happened. But during lunch time when I asked her how my ward is, she was saying that my Registrar and nurses were mentioning about how pleased they were about my performance, and because I'm not around today, ward round was a disaster (and another senior of mine got chided really badly for not being on top of things) whenever I am not around. I'm not trying to boast that I'm super capable, because honestly, there is a lot which I cannot do despite being a doctor, but at least with this comment, I feel that I play an important role in my team, and being seen as doing something, rather than just some junior hanging around.

Honestly, I think I have learnt quite a bit which was never taught in medical school. But it doesn't feel like as if I've learnt as much as I thought I will be learning, and despite 6 weeks as a house officer, sometimes I still feel that I'm not good enough even though my seniors are reassuring me that I've been excellent so far. And the fact that my Consultants come looking for me to ask for favours is just a sign that they trust me enough to get their jobs done.

Yet, somehow or rather, I keep doubting myself, and that's probably the reason why I am trying to do even more. It's good in a way because I'll be pushing myself to a higher level, and hopefully, I will be really competent without realising it. But at the same time, like what Samya said, I'm putting too much pressure on myself, despite myself not knowing it. Well, as long as I'm happy, I think it doesn't matter. And even though I am physically tired, whenever I see a card on the ward reception from patients who thank my team for taking good care of them, it takes my fatigue away. The feeling of job satisfaction is great...and it does reassure me a lot that I haven't made the wrong choice to do Medicine.

I was taught to do a new procedure today. It's not very difficult, and I think if it has to be done the next time, I will be able to do it and get my seniors to supervise me. I actually did it on myself when I came home today...haha...hmm..now I know how it feels like..

I have cardioversions on Friday, and my Registrar said that she will let me do it. It's quite easy, because it's just about setting the defibrillator correctly and then shocking the patient. But because some patient gets into cardiac arrest sometimes, the resuscitation team has to be present to standby. And the anaesthetists have to be around too.

It's usually my seniors who are supposed to cardiovert patients, but if I get to do it as a house officer, that's going to be a good experience for me. And like my Registrar said, once I know how to do it myself, I can do all the cardioversions in future! =D

Beep beep..

"Lao po! Are u here?" appeared in my MSN.

It was Dearie who came online. A very big surprise indeed! I wasn't even expecting him to be in touch in him today, since he is staying at his Dad's. He claims that he specially came online to talk to me because he misses me *blush*

Didn't chat much with him though, because I was busy corresponding with a company. Have found the perfect anniversary present for Dearie after such a long search, and because I want the design to be as original as possible, I have to liaise with the company about the design, and once I'm happy with the design, I will place my order and wait for its arrival. I hope everything will go fine...*crosses fingers*

I'm so excited abt it that I released a bit of the surprise to Dearie, by dropping some hints. Could sense that he is extremely surprised by it, but he was very worried abt me spending too much. Well, the present isn't very cheap, but since it's the one and only piece in this world and it can be kept a lifetime, I don't mind paying the price for it. I know he'll be very very surprised and happy when I give it to him. Seeing him smiling happily is what I hope to see. I'm sure it'll be a very very meaningful anniversary present for him.

I'm supposed to spend my Saturday studying, but I ended up watching lots and lots of drama and looking at clothes online. Argh! Love quite a number of pieces, and I'm really tempted to buy them. I mean, I think it's reasonable for me to buy some new clothes for myself, since I haven't been shopping properly for a very very long time, and a lot of my clothes are fit for the bin already.

Dearie said he'll buy me some clothes before he comes back to UK...hehe. I was really happy when I heard that. Can trust his taste, since he chose and bought me some clothes which are really nice when I was in China.

Still about 6 weeks before Dearie comes back. Sigh...really hope time flies quicker so that I can see him again. Missing him very very much.....

A patient of mine died this morning. I was thinking about him the whole evening, and watching him deteriorate suddenly yesterday in the acute admissions unit made an impact on me. I am a doctor, wearing a stethoscope around my neck, and to patients, they expect me to be able to do something for them.

Before my uncle passed away years ago, he told me the night before that he isn't feeling well, having some chest discomfort and breathlessness, and being only in 2nd yr, I thought it must be the alcohol he's drinking which is causing it. I wasn't at the level to think about whether there was something serious going on, and a day or 2 later, he died of a heart attack. It's been so many years, but each time I think about it, I blame myself for being incompetent, because if I was more knowledgeable, I would have taken a history from my uncle, and sent him to hospital. He probably wouldn't have died then. Honestly, till today, there is still a feeling of guilt in me.

And throughout my years in medical school, each time I knew someone was ill, I want so badly to do something for them, but because I was only a pathetic student, I couldn't do anything.

Years went by, and I finally graduated from Uni, and become a full fledged doctor. But despite this, the feeling of helplessness remains, and it hit me hard when I watched my patient went downhill yesterday. I was only in contact with him for a day, but when he was going downhill and was very seriously ill, feeling drowsy, in pain with an oxygen mask on him, he still smiled at me.

I felt like a complete idiot standing there, listening to the instructions from the surgeons, watching them do various procedures on him. The patient was in a critical situation, and he needed to be catheterised to help him pass urine. The nurses were supposed to do it, but because I felt so helpless and because the nurses were busy, I decided to do it for my patient. Catheterisation wasn't nice, and it can be quite uncomfortable, and it did make me feel sorry when my patient struggled as I was trying to put the tube in. All I wanted to do was anything that will benefit him. I was going "Please don't die on me..." the entire time I was with him.

The doctors and nurses knew we were going to lose him, but deep down, I wished for a miracle to happen, and I was telling Dearie abt him last night and about me doing a catheter for him. Apparently, Dearie got a bit pissed knowing that I did catheterisation for a male patient, because he didn't like the thought that I've got my hands on the male's private area. We almost got into an argument, which I know sounds damn silly, because it's my job to catheterise patients when they need it...and not because I'm some sick pervert who's obsessed with dicks, and apparently, Dearie doesn't like it.

I was thinking about my patient at night, wondering several times if I should just get out of my bed, change into my jeans and rush to the admissions unit to see him. I hate myself for not going down, because this morning, the nurses told me that my patient died in the middle of the night.

I filled in his death cert and cremation form today.

*********
I stayed till really late in the hospital today again, and one of the coronary care unit nurses came and ask me how come I'm always around, and wondered if I'm on call again. She thinks I love my wards too much, because she has seen me numerous times coming into the wards in my jeans, even during the weekends.

My fellow houseman who graduated from Uni with me, thinks I'm working myself too hard too. Samya thinks I'm putting too much pressure on myself, and has so kindly volunteered to bring me to the mountains to relax for the weekend. But the weird thing is, I don't even think I'm under too much pressure that I find it tough to cope. In fact, I'm loving what I do, and I'm always finding jobs to do just to keep myself busy. I guess these few weeks, I have been working too hard, because my body is starting to ache and I know I am lacking rest.

I get really engrossed with my job when I'm at work, and like today, I have worked 11 hours straight without a rest, and I didn't even realise it. If it weren't because there was no outstanding jobs to do and a mini presentation to do tomorrow, I wouldn't think I'll be going home too.

I started wondering if I'm simply a workaholic, or is it because apart from work, there is nothing else that is distracting me and making me go home. I mean, going back to my room...for me would be just to sit in front of my computer and watch dramas, or do some reading. Dearie isn't here, and perhaps because of that, there isn't a very very good reason to rush back. Anyway, I've been telling Dearie a lot about my wards, and I told him I'll show him around when he comes back to stay with me. Maybe I can even ask him to help me do some jobs too..haha...

Really in need of some good sleep. Good thing it's Friday tmr...at least I'll be able to sleep till later hrs during the weekend.

One on call over.

Gosh, I was dreading today's on call, not because it's busy and full of new admissions, but because I had so many jobs to do in my own stable ward, and there was no one to help me at all. Everyone was on leave. Plus, I had to do a presentation too.

Dread liaising with other hospitals to get certain procedures done, because getting through via switchboard is a pain. It actually took me 2 hours just to get ONE miserable referral done because of the billion and one questions the doctor in another hospital had, and asking for all the documents which I didn't have available, and end up having to liaise with another doctor for it. Glad that's all settled now.

I guess I wasn't too myself this evening as well, after losing my painfully typed out patient list. Tried searching all the wards for it, but to no avail. Feeling pretty pissed abt it, because I can't really remember what jobs I have done for my patients now. Argh!

Plus, it's dreadful when I'm busy rushing with so many things, and have my bleep going off numerous times. Then when I turn up at the ward which bleeped me, I find myself being thrown more jobs rather than just the ONE I was bleeped for. It happens for every ward, so u bet it was testing my patience for a bit.

Obviously, it doesn't help if I am already so busy, and then so unfortunately, have jobs whereby I have to put venflons into very very difficult patients. Honestly, at times like this, I really wish nurses have the ability to do venflons here...saves us a lot more time.

I was so busy rushing here n there that I forgot to eat dinner, and I only realised it when my stomach was growling. Good thing I've got some leftover fried rice in the fridge, or else I'll find myself munching on biscuits again.

Anyway..back to happier stuffs...

My presentation went really really well!!! :D

It was a presentation for the entire hospitals, and unfortunately, my Consultants who promised to turn up, couldn't do so at the last minute because of an emergency meeting. Sigh..so I was left to represent my entire team without any support. But fortunately, I have a group of buddies (my fellow Houseman friends) who turned up and helped to cheer me on. It was nice having Samya smiling at me while I was doing my presentation.

The Consultants and some of my other senior colleagues were impressed, and they actually gave good feedback to my Consultants! Hehhehe...at least I didn't think my weekend worth of work has gone down the drain.

Oh gosh. Running late now. I better give Dearie a ring before shooing off to bed.

Focus Focus!

I must remember that it's just me being busy, and not because I am forgetting Dearie slowly.

I must remember that I'm excited to talk to 'him' because he just so happens to be around when Dearie isn't, and is willing to let me talk endlessly, but not because he means more than a friend and can be seen as more than a friend under whatever circumstances.

I must remember that Dearie is working hard because of our future.

I must remember that if Dearie neglects me, it isn't because he doesn't love me anymore, but because he's busy, yet still misses me as much.

I must remember who I gave myself to.

Most importantly, I must remember that it's Dearie that matters most to me, not any other guys out there.

Working hard on a Saturday

I've been pretty tired this week, but the energy returns once I step into the wards. I guess the amount of work I've gotta do everyday just didn't give me time to think about fatigue.

Finding private Dearie-and-Me time has been difficult. Work's been so busy, that I am rarely home early, and poor Dearie had to stay up because of me. And because I know he's waiting, I am always under pressure to rush and try to finish my job ASAP, which can be quite tough since sometimes there are issues which can't be sorted out that quickly. To make things easier, I told Dearie that we'll cut off our evening chats. He'll be able to sleep earlier, and I can spend all the time I want in hospital.

We've made it a point to chat every morning (his morning of cos) before he goes to work, so that means, I have to stay up till quite late every night. I'm not fussing abt it, because at least it makes life easier for him, but I was so tired that last night, I dozed off when he told me to call him back in 10 minutes.

Apparently, our "new" plan isn't working that well, because I am talking lesser and lesser and lesser to Dearie. Our smses are getting lesser and lesser too. I have been immersely myself completely in work that honestly, I haven't been thinking much about him. At times, I feel that my patients have become more impt than him, which honestly, isn't good and if he does know abt this, I'm sure he'll feel really hurt. I mean, I used to feel disappointed when I don't get to talk to him in the evening, but now, I'm giving it up for my patients, and these few days, I've gotten so engrossed in my job that there are times I almost forgot to call him. To my surprise, when he couldn't talk to me the entire day today, I didn't even grumble.

I spent my Friday evening and Saturday in the hospital. Nope, I'm not on call. Clad in jeans, I streamed in to do patient discharge letters, and to study my patients' notes in detail. The ward round on Thurs was traumatising, and I felt a greater need to push myself to work even harder. I knew my patients well enough to present them on ward rounds, but because my Consultant was questioning me about investigations and past admissions into hospitals abt certain patients (which could have well been 5 yrs ago) and I couldn't answer them, I felt very very demoralised. It felt like as if all my hard work over these many weeks were down the drain. It is said by my seniors that even if I work myself dead, I will never be able to satisfy my Consultant because she digs into everything into the most minor detail, so they advised me to just ignore and enjoy my weekend. However, I've decided to take Thursday's lesson positively. Hence, I was determined to read every patient file in detail, remembering as much as I can about what happened numerous years ago with every patient.

Had a private meeting with my Consultant on Friday, and I did tell her that I was traumatised by Thurs' ward round. I was worried that she's upset and will think that I'm incompetent. But to my surprise, she praised me for being an organised and efficient House Officer. She told me many things which I will remember throughout my career. I learnt that being critical is the best way to learn, because it will help me sink into every case and dig into minor details which can be very important, and that will aid my learning with time. My Consultant's a perfectionist, and I'm sure that even though she's training me really hard, it will benefit me in the future, hence, I'm actually feeling very very grateful for having her guide and pushing me to a higher level of competency. I'm sure it will not be a problem for me to handle any Consultant in future if I can reach her high standards of demand.

Spent the entire Saturday typing out a proper patient list for me to bring to the hospital everyday. It's quite a long list, definitely not as concise as the nurses' list, because I prefer it to be concise, yet rather comprehensive in a way. It's even got all the details of the investigations my patient had several years ago...lol...so in case my Consultant shoots me a question, I can be ready to answer it confidently.

Did my research for my upcoming presentation too. Topic was boring, but after reading it, I find it rather interesting and very informative! Have learnt quite a great deal, and hopefully my Consultants will be impressed by it.

Secret

I watched this movie online today. Although I didn't really fully understand the story, I think I got a rough understanding of it. But I enjoyed it very much because of the uniform, and most importantly, the OST is beautiful. Weird enough, I am always paying more attention to the music than the movie.

I love the piano pieces so much that I am so tempted to buy a digital piano to play in my room. Saw a Casio digital piano online for about 12 pounds, and am really tempted to buy it. Thought I can kill time by practising. It's been ages ago since I last touched my piano in Singapore. But this Casio one is pretty heavy, weighing about 12 kg. The Yamaha one which caught my attention is only about 7 kg, but it's 199 pounds!

Anyway, shall share this beautiful OST with u guys :) Hope u like it.

Am planning to use some of the tracks for the powerpoint presentation I want to give to Dearie for our 2nd year anniversary (that presentation was supposed to be for our 1st anniversary, but unfortunately, I never got to complete it... :X I think I shall try to complete it this time and give it to him during then). Had a brief discussion with him about how we're gonna celebrate it..and I think we're kinda set to head for Disneyland to celebrate it. Am aiming to make this trip fun, romantic yet not too stressful. Our trips together have always been a mad rush and tooooo tiring. I just want to go somewhere to spend some quality time together with him. Told him we can spend some time at the pool, spa and ice skating rink if we're sick of the Disney Park. Will have to wait for him to return to UK before I finalise everything. Have already checked the prices and all. Now it's just when to apply my leave and do the booking. Shouldn't be too difficult, I hope. Oh, I better remind him to apply for the Schengen Visa before he comes back, then we won't have to take the trouble to go to faraway London to do it.

Lots of memories been coming back since last night, both happy and unhappy ones. It made me realise how many years have gone by, as I count back the years.

It made me laugh as my friend and I chatted about how our Mandarin standard was in primary school, when I told him that I have to be the interpretor for a Chinese patient who is coming into hospital for an operation, and will also translate everything the nurses require into Mandarin in writing during his inpatient stay overnight. Was telling him how I was always trying hard to beat Terence (the guy I admired a lot in primary school) at it, but I think I won him once or twice. But that was a motivation for me during then, and it did made Mandarin seem more fun since I had him to cheer me on. It brought back memories of this friendship, and I do miss those days when I was a well known tomboy who would be in the fields playing catching with my group of guy buddies, having guys who gets in my way beaten up in the toilet by my good friend (yes, I was well protected..ahaha), screaming in the canteen after being challenged by a notorious student in school and then being punished in the teacher's room and lectured for not behaving any way like a girl. I also miss the days I tried to make myself become more feminine when I was after my primary school crush, feeling on cloud nine when we go together to the canteen to buy food and eat together, having him to ask me to wait for him to finish prefect duty while I have my food and of course, receiving frequent phone calls from him. But because my results weren't as good as his, I didn't make it to the same sec sch as him, we lost touch with time...and after so many years when I realised he's become a celebrity, I never tried to contact him much again, fearing that he'll think I've got an ulterior motive for contacting him. I did bump into him in Singapore once recently, but he didn't see me, and because Mum was with me, I didn't approach him either.

Then I started thinking back about my days in BV. I can't really remember how I was like then, but I reckon I must be quite a bitch since I wasn't popular with people, and didn't have many friends. The only thing I remember about myself was being very playful, until I decided to do something about my grades to try and go to JC. I made a group of very good friends in upper sec and we're still in touch. Got to meet the funny bunch of people like Shan, Ruoz, Jessie, Eying, Audrey, who would entertain the class with their laughters and singing. I wasn't particularly popular with this group, but deep down, I liked them very much. Studies, sports and ballet were top priority in those days. I was obsessed with my results, and would cry very often if I didn't hit my target grade. Running was something I did well in, and was recognised by my schoolmates. Ballet was my 2nd life, and no matter how horrid my day has been, dancing would take them all away from me. I was so obsessed about it that I would be practising splits at home while studying Geography and History. Everyone in school knew who I was when news that I admired JJ started spreading. Although I was a very confident and outspoken person then, I didn't dare to go for it. Life in BV was great.

Then I started my new life in TJC. It was ever since then memories started to become more and more painful. I regretted completely going to TJC, and thinking back, I should have left after my first 3 months and go to another JC. I wanted to do well there, but the environment just ruined it. I didn't feel that I got the support I wanted, and if it wasn't for Guanting and Boon, I wouldn't have got through my 2 yrs there. Going to school was a waste of time for me, since I was always chatting with Guanting. I was rebellious too. I must say I'm a problematic student and I know my tutors hated me, but I didn't give a damn. Boon gave me a lot of support too, I still remember those days where we'll do maths while chatting online, competing to see who will finish tutorials faster. And with time, he became someone important in my life, a friend I would still think about till now.

A miracle happened and I got a last minute acceptance into medical school. It was a rush packing my stuffs and coming to UK. Honestly, my life started going into a greater mess than ever in UK. I had so many bad memories till I've grown numb to so many things. I learnt to stop crying whenever I lose a friend, especially my best friend in UK. I learnt how to do everything myself and relying on nobody except myself, because I lost trust in people, and somehow got so used to it. I had numerous relationships, but none lasted, and it gotten to a point whereby I'm so sick of it and didn't bother to think much about it anymore. I was overly independent to the point whereby I cannot accept my ex-bfs wanting me to rely on them, and having a say in what I want to do, and I even had people commenting that I'm a girl who won't die even if I get thrown into the big sea. After all the horrid things I went through for those years, I never believe that anyone would care about my presence, until I met Dearie.

When my accomodation flooded, I didn't expect anyone to care about me. I was prepared to be spend the entire night alone outside, but Dearie touched me by staying by my side throughout. He started making me dinners, and asking me out. For the first time in a very long time, I felt properly cared for, and without realising, I started to grow reliant on him. He had entered the world I had enclosed myself tightly in, and he made me slowly lose my independence. Although I am still struggling with the current less independent me, I have learnt to appreciate the beauty of taking tiny steps to put my trust back in someone and the beauty of letting someone take care of me. I have no idea, till today, what convinced me to let go of my independence. I often question myself if it was because of the fact that I'm sick and tired of being independent, or is it because I have met the right person who has convinced me slowly to let go of myself, to be brave enough to accept a relationship which I would never expect myself to go for, and to give me a form of assurance that I'll never go through what I used to went through ever again.

Enough of thoughts now. Shall try and watch some shows or get done to some revision.

Obsessed with being in hospital

Because my internet connection today is so corked up, I couldn't even get to talk properly with Dearie. Such a waste of my time, and to think that I was actually looking forward to today since both Dearie and I don't have to work tmr.

Decided to ring him for a short while and was really pleased to hear that he's selected successfully for the China Future Leaders' Programme!!!! I knew my boy can do it!! He's contemplating now about whether he should go to US though.

After he went to bed, I got so bored in my room that I decided to go to the hospital to sign a pile of blood, radiological and microbiology results. I have never seen those patients before, but will still have to sign them so that the secretaries and clerks can file them. It was a relatively huge pile, and because they're not urgent, the secretary told me to do it whenever I have spare time. So yeah...I got my ass down to sign them all and even did them an extra favour by filing everything up for them. So all they have to do on Monday is just put the files away into medical records. Thought I'll do extra since I'm bored plus it'll make them happy and make their life easier.

Then I headed up to my own ward and filed up the entire stack of results into files too. The nurses were quite shocked to see me streaming in with my tee and jeans. Apparently, they think I love the ward so much that I can't bear to leave it.

I've been doing a lot of venflons and bloods recently too, and I think I am improving. I actually managed to draw blood from a few well known difficult patients and put venflons in. There was a patient in my ward who has completely no visible veins, and many doctors have stabbed him numerous times, failed and gave up. I thought I was really unlucky to be called by my nurses to stab him because if my seniors can't do it, chances r I'm gonna fail in doing so since I'm less experienced. I didn't wanna make the nurses unhappy, so I challenged myself.

This sounds crazy, but I actually brought all my equipment to my patient's bedside, and told him that I am sorry for having been asked to stab him, and I am unsure myself if I'm gonna succeed since he's been stabbed so many times and so many doctors just gave up. But his "Have a go. You've got a lucky face, and I have a feeling u'll get it." boosted my confidence, and guess what? I really succeeded the first time!

I think he kinda likes me now, because he needed to be put on a drip a few days later, and my senior failed to put a line in. My little nurse on the ward wanted to have a go, but after inspecting his "veinless" arms, told me she's dropping the idea, and threw the ball back into my court.

My patient was delighted when he saw me coming with my tray of equipments again. "I'm not confident that I'll succeed again this time." I said. "U did it the first time. U can do it again. Come, have a go." he said. And for the 2nd time, I succeeded. I was so happy when I managed to flush the saline through, indicating that the line is in perfect position, and my patient praised me for being really good.

I was called to another ward to take blood from another difficult patient today. I was pleased that having not seen him for many days, he still remembers me and was telling his ward mates that I'm his special doctor...haha. Before I started, he warned me that he's a difficult one, and his veins are very very tiny. It's been a problem for many doctors. Having built some confidence from the earlier patient, I was determined to put myself through another challenge. Indeed he's difficult, because I failed to do so twice. I could give up during then, and throw the responsibility to my senior, but because I knew he had so much faith in me, I didn't want to disappoint him. I went for an odd spot this time...a vein I could feel at the knuckle of his thumb. That spot is close to the bone and because thumbs can move easily, I was worried of causing him pain and it's also not as easy to steady the thumb. But I managed to do it, and my patient said that I should be awarded a medal for causing him no pain at all, yet succeeding at such an odd spot!

I really hope to be really good at doing these things by the end of my first year of housemanship, because in future, if my juniors are not able to do it (in fact, when my hospital starts having medical students streaming in to my team, i'll be getting them to draw blood and put in venflons for me..), the ball gets thrown into my court, and it's going to be very embarrassing if I don't succeed.

I'm so tempted to get more practise by volunteering to help the phlebotomists to take bloods over the weekend. I bet they'll love me to bits if I do that. Plus, I get to practise too. Definitely a plan worth considering hor?