I was having lunch with some SHOs today (aka MO in Singapore) and while we were chatting, it just happened that I told them that I only went back home at 8+pm.

SHO: Do u have a bf?
Me: Yes..
SHO: Then u should be spending time with him.
Me: He's not even here..

Then it reminded me of a nurse who asked me this last week...

Nurse: Michelle, how come u're always working beyond your hours? Even during the weekends, I see you coming to the wards. I think u should start living here.
Me: Why? What's wrong?
Nurse: Do you have a bf?
Me: Yes...

And this evening...

Nurse: R u married?
Me: No..what makes you think I am?
Nurse: There's a ring on your finger..
Me: That's a present from my bf..
Nurse: Ahhh..~


Sigh...I know it's just a simple question, but somehow, I think my colleagues must be talking amongst themselves about whether I am attached or married. Like they said, the hospital is like my 2nd home now, and I might as well live in the ward.

I admit that I am spending most of my time in the wards partly because Dearie isn't in UK. But at the same time, by spending more time in the ward, I get to know my patients well, and during ward rounds, I will be able to answer almost every question my Consultant asks abt the patient.

In fact, I am really pleased when, despite being busy on call, my Consultant specially request for my presence when she's doing a ward round for my ward even though she had my seniors with me, because she thinks I know my patients best.

I was busy doing jobs in the acute admissions unit, and wasn't able to be in my stable ward when the ward round happened. But during lunch time when I asked her how my ward is, she was saying that my Registrar and nurses were mentioning about how pleased they were about my performance, and because I'm not around today, ward round was a disaster (and another senior of mine got chided really badly for not being on top of things) whenever I am not around. I'm not trying to boast that I'm super capable, because honestly, there is a lot which I cannot do despite being a doctor, but at least with this comment, I feel that I play an important role in my team, and being seen as doing something, rather than just some junior hanging around.

Honestly, I think I have learnt quite a bit which was never taught in medical school. But it doesn't feel like as if I've learnt as much as I thought I will be learning, and despite 6 weeks as a house officer, sometimes I still feel that I'm not good enough even though my seniors are reassuring me that I've been excellent so far. And the fact that my Consultants come looking for me to ask for favours is just a sign that they trust me enough to get their jobs done.

Yet, somehow or rather, I keep doubting myself, and that's probably the reason why I am trying to do even more. It's good in a way because I'll be pushing myself to a higher level, and hopefully, I will be really competent without realising it. But at the same time, like what Samya said, I'm putting too much pressure on myself, despite myself not knowing it. Well, as long as I'm happy, I think it doesn't matter. And even though I am physically tired, whenever I see a card on the ward reception from patients who thank my team for taking good care of them, it takes my fatigue away. The feeling of job satisfaction is great...and it does reassure me a lot that I haven't made the wrong choice to do Medicine.

I was taught to do a new procedure today. It's not very difficult, and I think if it has to be done the next time, I will be able to do it and get my seniors to supervise me. I actually did it on myself when I came home today...haha...hmm..now I know how it feels like..

I have cardioversions on Friday, and my Registrar said that she will let me do it. It's quite easy, because it's just about setting the defibrillator correctly and then shocking the patient. But because some patient gets into cardiac arrest sometimes, the resuscitation team has to be present to standby. And the anaesthetists have to be around too.

It's usually my seniors who are supposed to cardiovert patients, but if I get to do it as a house officer, that's going to be a good experience for me. And like my Registrar said, once I know how to do it myself, I can do all the cardioversions in future! =D