New phase of my life

Having graduated from Uni and starting my first official job makes me feel old. Making prayers in the temple this time was different from my usual prayers of asking for blessings to pass my exams.

I'm leaving for the UK tonight again, and believe it or not, I have cried thrice secretly today already. In fact, I was starting to feel pretty emotional since last night.

I guess I'm feeling pretty bad this time because I haven't got anything to look forward much to in the UK. Dearie isn't there anymore, and basically, I'm gonna be all alone again...back to the days which I dread so much. I...really..don't want to go back...not if Dearie isn't there...

He told me before he left for China and last night that he'll go back to UK and look for me. He told me he'll be there in October, and I'll just have to tolerate 2 months there without him. He said he won't leave me alone. I know he'll try, but I don't know if he will definitely be back. It seems as though believing in it is the only way to keep me going. I can't imagine not seeing him for an entire year, and having to face so much difficulties chatting with him too. Hvaing him around is sooo important to me.

I'll miss my family..and I'm not sure when I'll be home to see them again. Despite the quarrels I have with them, I know that deep down, I still love them dearly.

Bah! I can't believe how stupid I am!!!!

I happily came online in my room, thinking that air con is on, until I started realising it's still pretty hot (and humid). And I thought perhaps I should turn it stronger.

After 10 minutes, I'm still feeling warm, and I was even starting to sweat. "What the hell is wrong with my air con today?" I was pondering for a minute (my room's known as the North Pole in my house). Looked up at my aircon, only to realise that I didn't even turn it on in the first place!!!!

WHAT THE...!!!!

I'm feeling all excited about Dearie's arrival tmr. Muahaha..my wait has been long enough (yah lah, I know it's only a week ago since I last saw him), considering the fact that I see him almost 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Besides, we do almost everything together. And I know this sounds gross, but even when he's making his big one, I'm somewhere nearby (pinching my nose of course) chatting with him since he claims that he's bored while sitting on the toilet bowl.

6 months since I last returned to Sg, but everything seems a little alien to me. Shopping malls have changed so much that I got "lost" a few times. Visiting my grandparents this time felt different too. I've grown so much quieter, and I could feel the distance of our bond widening. I haven't spent a lot of time with my family this time too. I'm always in my room, and perhaps my years in the UK have made me so accustomed to being alone in a world of my own, that getting me to get out has become difficult.

Maybe it's because of my years of reliance on Dearie, that I feel less enthusiastic to do certain things alone. Meals, despite eaten in proper restaurants and clean environments, don't taste as good as the ordinary fare we prepared for ourselves in the UK. I miss the days whereby I'll be watching drama with him while eating, and then taking a short nap after my meal before plunging into the books till the wee hours. I get really bored and lifeless if he doesn't call me or chat with me for a day when he's not around too.

I'm so glad he'll be here tmr. My source of energy. And the itinery I've made is almost done. Finally, I'll be able to chat with him until I doze off again, and wake up beside him! :)

Clearing up in Singapore

Gosh, I am plagued by the most dreaded chore - Clearing up. And I cannot describe how much I hate doing it.

The nightmare of clearing up and packing in UK was finally over, and I thought I can escape from more of that fucking chore once I'm back, only to find myself having to clear up a whole load of stuffs in my room during my miserable break in Sg.

My mood worsened as I was clearing up stuff. Simply no matter how I try to clear up, it still doesn't look that neat, and I have no bloody idea how come I have so much stuffs. And just when I am getting sick of it, Mum had to tell me I still got to clear my luggage. Fuck manz!

Off to the toilet I went after clearing my room, and decided that I might as well clear up the whole load of rubbish in the toilet too. And just in less than 5 minutes, I came out with 2 bags full of rubbish. But there is still this basket in my toilet which pisses me off, simply because it's filled with things that doesn't belong to me, and of course, have no reason to be in my toilet. There's like paint palettes, paintbrushes, white glue, white rope, screws, metal plates and a lamp in it, plus it's filthy...so filthy that I just wanna throw the whole thing away rather than spend time washing it. Grrr!!! I just realised that all the mess in the toilet isn't even created by me!

Honestly, I get really grumpy when I'm back home for several reasons.

1. The area outside my room is worse than a warehouse. So much so for parents asking me to clear up my room, when their mess is far more worse than mine. I bet they must have gotten so sick of putting stuffs into the attic (or maybe the attic is just full of my bro's rubbish since chucking anything that he doesn't like present in his room into the attic is his forte) that they start chucking stuffs along the stairs to the attic, and now that that area is full, they chuck it along the walk way that's leading to my room. That place is so fucking messy now.

2. Dusty room
Thanks to chucking stuffs into the attic for years that dust starts accumulating. And the dust just gets into my room freely till even if Mum mops the floor, my room still feels dusty after a very short while. And my feet never gets dust-free whenever I walk in my room. Even Dad is complaining whenever he comes into my room.

3. Mum's clothes
Doesn't directly affect me, but there's this massive cupboard outside my room, supposedly bought to help neaten the level where my room is, but when you open it, it's filled with Mum's clothes. I have no idea why she still keeps those clothes when she's not even wearing them at all for years, because she thinks she looks old in them. She's practically got like another big wardrobe in her own room which is full of clothes too. It pisses me off whenever I open the cupboard, wanting to put some stuffs in, and then realising that there isn't any space because of her clothes, and guess what, she still keeps those clothes she wore when I was in Primary 1. That's like what? Clothes from 18 years ago?! If I was given the freedom to do what I want, the first thing I'll do is to throw all her clothes in that cupboard away.

4. Messy study room
It's supposed to be a study room cum TV room, basically the room where I'll watch TV since I can't be bothered to go to my parent's room to do so. But now it's like a painter's room with paper all over the place, and painting tools everywhere. So messy that u won't even wanna walk into it, needless to say watch TV. And I dread my brother for that. I cannot understand why he has to take up the entire room to do his art, and leaving it so messy. Because of his wonderful creations, now, I'll have to specially go down to my parent's room to watch TV. Wonder what I did to deserve a selfish brother like him who had to make my life inconvenient just because it doesn't affect him for the fucking reason that he's got a TV in his room, and that the study room is next to my room...hence..ONLY I AM AFFECTED BY THE MESS 24/7.

5. Not having my toilet bowl flushed and lights not switched off
Thanks to my brother again. I hate it whenever he uses my toilet, because he doesn't flush after peeing, and because if it stinks, it's MY toilet, hence he doesn't bother to pee properly into the bowl. I have the habit of switching off the toilet lights whenever I'm out of the toilet, but that idiot doesn't, so sometimes my light's switched on the entire night. And my parents will come nagging at me for not turning it off.

6. Finding various softwares in my computer
I'm not fussy about people using my computer, but after so many unpleasant incidents, I really wanna lock up my computer whenever I am not in Sg. For one, I can't stand people using my computer, then installing whatever software into my computer which I don't need. I often come back, finding random softwares (yes, they belong to my bro) and have to take time to uninstall them. I cannot understand why he has to invade my computer when he's already got 3 in his room.

7. Photos
Mum said I owe her loads of photos, and that did piss me off last night. The photos are in my computer here in Sg, and if she wants to look at them, she can just turn on the comp and find it. But just because she doesn't know how to use the computer, and can't be bothered to learn, I am expected to take the trouble to burn all her photos onto CDs, so that she can take her own sweet time to pick and choose for printing. She nags at me abt it each time I come back, and yes I admit I am super lazy to burn all her photos onto CDs (cos this old comp tt I'm using...the CD burner is spoilt), but since she's so lazy to bother learning to use the computer, then why can't I be lazy too?

8. Chucking stuffs to me
I dread it when my bro goes "Nah...your stuffs..", handing me things which are mine and for some odd reason ended up in his room for dunno how many donkey years. My room is messy enough, and just when I'm hard up for storage space (for fuck sake, can my family please clear the mess in that cupboard outside my room and everything that is on the 3rd floor?!?!?!?!?!?!?!), he comes throwing more stuffs at me, happily shirking responsibility for them.


Argh!

Had enough of the "You don't clear your things..later next week your bf comes and see your place being so messy...then u go embarrass yourself ah". I think I should be the one telling my family to not embarrass themselves with the mess they have created when he comes. My room is neat enough to save me from embarrassment, and so is my toilet IF my brother doesn't attack it.

Back in Sg

Hello!

I'm home, finally, even though I wasn't looking forward to it at the end. Didn't want to leave CG and it pained me to see him in tears as I left for the airport.

Can't enjoy my first few hours here much since I'm ill. Fell ill 2 days before I came home with fever and bad muscle aches (which I put down to the heavy grad gown I was wearing on Wed). It wasn't that bad on the plane since I was so tired from my fever that I managed to doze off (not in the most comfortable way, of course) at certain intervals, and even got to watch a very interesting Japanese movie on the women in the palace during the Shogun period. I was so attracted to the colourful kimonos and admiring the beauty of the scenery.

I'm so terribly bored now and it did make me happy for a few seconds to get Dearie's msg on MSN. But his friends are around, and he's gotta entertain them, so...yeah...I don't get to talk to him then. Sigh....what a bad timing. I'm having one of those "when u're ill...u miss the person u love" feeling at the moment, but since he's been kind enough to apologise (and I sense he's sincere), I shall not think too much abt it.

Hopefully I'll not feel so ill tmr, and can start going to town to do some shopping. I am desperately in need of clothes to wear, since I threw a whole black rubbish bag full of clothes before I came back to Sg.

Will post grad pics once Daddy loads them onto his computer. My cam charger is spoilt..so I didn't get to use it at all...wtf..

Graduation Ceremony

Here I am blogging at an unearthly hour.

It's finally the moment after so many years. My graduation ceremony. Loooooonnnnnggggg-awaited day. Hopefully nothing goes wrong. I'm kinda worried since there's so much I have to do in a day today....gown collection, ceremony, photo taking, strawberries and cream reception etc. Praying hard that I'll be able to squeeze everything in quickly.

Just in case anyone is ever interested in watching my grad ceremony (and saying the Oath) in the UK (it disappoints me after watching the past ceremonies...totally way below the standard I would expect of UK)..here's the webby..

www.cardiff.ac.uk/graduation

You can watch the graduation live at 8.30pm Sg time, or if it's not possible but u're so ever dying to watch it (hahah..yah right..), you can watch it another day since it'll be archived in the webby.

Surprisingly, I'm not as excited about it as I expect myself to be. But Dad claims I WILL be all excited later when I wake up in the morning to collect my gown. Dearie will be accompanying me to collect it....hehehee.

Oh yes, and a good news.

I'M GETTING MARRIED!!!!!!!!






No lah, just kidding. Haha. Dearie's got his ticket to Singapore..yippee!!! So I'll be happily awaiting for his arrival after a brief separation. Time to take him around to tour our little island *winks*

Dearie's been checking out for tickets to Singapore, and has gotten some of his family members to source around for deals too. Hopefully he'll be able to get the ticket he wants and come to Singapore.

I'm really excited about it, even though the ticket isn't confirmed yet. I am just guessing that it wouldn't be a problem for him to get the Visa and tix. There's so many places I want to bring him to and so many delicacies I want to get him to try. It seems as though 5 days in Singapore just isn't enough...but I've got to start working at the end of the month, so it's quite a pity that I can't get Dearie to stay longer in Singapore.

My parents are coming next week for my convocation. It'll be webcasted live on that day too, so if anyone is ever interested in watching it, feel free to. I'll be attending Dearie's convocation as well, and it's making me really excited. Unfortunately it's not on the same day, or else it'll be really cool to take a couple photo together while wearing our gowns. Sigh.

Hopefully, we'll be able to take some nice pics to post up here. :)

Can't wait for my parents to arrive and have them meeting Dearie. I think they're pretty excited abt meeting him too (just a gut feeling cos they're always asking abt him), and Mum is already all excited about where to bring him to savour various food in Singapore when he goes to Sg.. :D

YK told me that couples quarrel are rather specified timings of their relationship (e.g. 6 months, 1 year etc). I wonder how true that is.

Dearie and I had a massive quarrel since yesterday afternoon, and it didn't resolve until about 6am this morning. It came to a point when we wanted to call this relationship off. All it would take was a "Let's break up!" when we were literally raising our voices at each other at the early hours of this morning, but I guess both of us knew we would regret the decision to end it all if our minds weren't at its clearest.

Dearie thinks my temper has worsened, because I get worked up quite easily over even trivial matters these days. No doubt I have been losing my temper more recently, but I think that's because it's the time of the year whereby I have endless things to settle and it stresses me even more to get them all done by the end of this week simply because my parents are arriving next week, and the last thing I want is for Mum to nag at me.

But what really hurts was Dearie mentioning that I'm selfish. That, cut me deeply. I have been trying to juggle both mine and his affairs, spending quite a lot of time over the 2 years to do his stuffs whenever possible, and I'm being seen as selfish. And it stems down to just because I went to the hospital to collect a visa letter instead of bringing him to the police station to do some registration. My affairs, therefore, seemed like a more important priority.

I felt very wronged. I had reasons for going down to the hospital to get my letter yesterday, and it wasn't because it seemed like a more important thing to do. I did it because the hospital is quite far away, and it would seem more logical to solve all the problems which require bus travel first, just so in case if there are outstanding issues to be resolved, they are probably solvable in places nearer to my current accomodation, and it will be easier for me to juggle between solving issues and my parents next week.

The whole quarrel sparked because of conflict in plans. Goes down to communication problem, and self-assumption. Common, and unfortunately, it happens to us all the time simply because....we can't communicate.

I've been battling this issue between us ever since we started, and for close to 2 years now, it's not showing very much improvement. I have no idea why communicating with him can be so difficult. Is it the mentality difference? Or is it the culture difference? Or are we just having some problem with our intelligence?

All the time, we assume that the other party wouldn't be angry when certain things are being said. We speak our mind in the way we think is truthful yet not to the extent of being offensive to the other party, assuming that the other person will feel the same way we expect of him/her. We make our own plans, assuming that the other person can see the logic of how the plan is made and assume that the other person will keep to the plan. We assume the other person is intelligent enough to understand what we're arguing about, what we're talking about etc. We assume the other party has enough common sense when doing things. EVERYTHING IS ASSUME! And sadly, assumptions backfires and creates kinks in our relationship.

It makes me wonder if we're having some gap somewhere. Dearie thinks we're alike in many ways, but I always think we're very different from each other, be it level of common sense, independence, tolerance. To be honest, I have never had so much problems communicating in my past relationships and this is the first time I find it being such a major problem.

To ease it all, breaking up would be the best solution. I don't have the qualities of the girl he wants, and I can't communicate well with him. Despite being fluent in Mandarin and English, I still see problems in understanding certain things which he says, and having to get myself to explain until my saliva dries out when I have to explain anything, especially misunderstandings. It has to be into such great detail, something which I don't have to do if talking to my exs. "Is it the culture?", once again I ask myself. No one's able to give me the answer. Besides, if we really need a break up, it's the best time to do it now since we're not going to be in the same country, and it'll save him lots of trouble trying to find a way to stay here in the UK and risk a relationship strain with his Dad.

Yet, I know how much I will be hurting him if I were to ask for a break up. I remind myself day and night of the sacrifices he has made for me. I remind myself day and night of how his family treated me as a guest when I went to China. I remind myself how he had volunteered himself to let me do examinations on him to practise for my exams, and how he gave me emotional support whenever I feel alone and when I was under immense stress. I owe him so much, and each time I think about it, I'll just swallow anything in the relationship that saddens me, telling myself that it's just one of those things that will pass and get better. But I really wonder if I'm kidding myself to avoid the real problem. And of course not forgetting the biggest reason to why I am staying put....I love him and I need him.

It's only days before we won't see each other again, and this had to happen. It should be a time whereby we're cherishing each other more than ever, and having our mini honeymoon, but we spend so much of our time quarrelling instead. It drains me so much, and going through each day with this and having so many other things in my mind really tires me out.

I am so craving for a getaway to have purely fun and nothing else.

And I'm terribly sleepy after having only less than 3 hours of sleep.

Money

Bah! Was telling Dearie that I wanna go find a rich guy, get married and end my unnecessary misery.

I hate every bit of my life here, and 2 more years is nothing but extra hell for me.

I hate my life without a life, and my life without $$$. To hell with whoever who said money can't buy happiness. Money can buy some form of happiness! Reason why these people say money can't buy happiness is because they can't get the type of happiness money can bring, and that is why they resort to other forms to console themselves. To me, that is RUBBISH!

I hate being deprived and how deprivation has changed my mentality and the unreleased anger and frustration kept within me.

Childhood ambition

The common question adults always ask a child..."What do you want to be when you grow up?". I, personally, have been asked this question dozens of times, but amazingly, I never got sick of answering it.

Thinking back, I did have a long list of "what I wanna be". But of course, there are a few which I am keen on.

My ambitions always changed with time, and it was greatly influenced by what my primary school friends wanted to be, or by what the guy I admire in primary school wanted to be, or even by what is "in" to kids in those days. I guess it's one of those attempts of wanting to be seen as 'part of the group'.

So what are they? (List not according to ranking)

1. Doctor
2. Vet
3. Astronaut
4. Actress
5. Singer
6. Model
7. Archaeologist
8. Waitress
9. Air stewardess
10. Lawyer
11. Pharmacist
12. Ballerina
13. Cast in Broadway

....etc etc....these are just some that I can remember.

Some of those ambitions were just casted aside when I grew up, and I started banging on hard on becoming a vet. Then I realise that I hated certain animals, and there was no way I could go near those without screaming my head off, so I knew that was gonna be out for me. I was crazy about ballet (and I still am), and I was seriously thinking abt forgoing JC and just dance for life. Then again, I knew my parents will not be pleased abt that, so I decided to stick to my realistic childhood ambition of becoming a doctor.

And that was how my horrid life began in JC and in med school, and how my last day of sunshine ended *clears throat*.

Back to the topic.

Honestly, there are certain things which I REALLY wanna be, but I never went for it, simply because I knew I would get a huge scolding from my parents.

Years ago, I started grumbling to Mum about how I should have chosen the route to do ballet instead of Medicine, she would say things like I didn't have the talent, or it's not realistic blah blah blah. Then when she knew there was no turning back for me, she would say "Then why u do Medicine? If U wanted to do ballet, u should have told me. I would support u all the way if that was your dream." Sigh..

Can't blame parents though since they want the best for their children. My parents are pretty traditional in a sense that I don't think they would support me for things which doesn't give me a stability in life even though they would argue their lungs out if we have a debate about this topic. But I just know what they're like.

I shall admit, even if the whole world laughs their ass off, that I would love to be an actress/singer/model. It's not about the glamour, but more of...I crave for people to doll me up. I've never been pretty and although my parents aren't conservative, there are certain clothes which I can never buy or wear. Girls in secondary schools will be busy putting on make up and dressing really fashionably, but I was still in my curly ponytail and really ugly clothes. I was always curious abt make up, but never got a chance to put them on until I went to Uni. And even when I put them on at the age of 25, Mum still nags at me abt it cos she thinks I don't need it and because make up is bad for the skin.

It saddens me whenever I open up my cupboard, seeing clothes which I have been wearing since secondary school (yes...I still wear them now). I am so craving for a new wardrobe. I know I'm not a shoppaholic, so u don't catch me shopping much..and hence..the chances of getting clothes is way low, but I do see stuffs which I like sometimes.....it's just that....I can't afford them. I actually think more than twice about a dress if it's above $50, and most likely, u won't see me buying it.

Dearie thinks my problem is simple. All I need to do is just shop and buy clothes, but he doesn't think much about the cash as much as me. Shopping isn't just abt buying. I can't possibly spend hundreds and hundreds without winking an eye, and I'm sure he wouldn't be pleased having a girlfriend who swipes hundreds each time she goes shopping too. But it's different for him. All his clothes are branded (he even wears Polo Raulph Lauren as home clothes), so spending hundreds on clothes is nothing.

Dearie doesn't mind me making up, but it feels weird putting make up on and going out with him to walk around. I guess it's because we live together, and going out together doesn't feel like a proper date, but more like a "Ay..I need to buy some vegetables...wanna go supermarket?" kinda outing. I mean, if my bf whom I see once a week, asks me out for bfast in the market, I would bother to put some pressed powder on my face, but for a bf u see 24 hours a day, making up seems elaborate, and I end up doing it only when we're going to watch some musical/ballet or if there's some fancy occasion. It's gotten to a point whereby I don't even care much about how I look when I wake up next to him with my hair all messed up and looking like I've just woken up from the dead.

I can go on about this forever, so just to end it quick, all I want to say is...I want to be dolled up.

And I love being dolled up. It's cool having people thinking about what you should wear, how your hair should be done and maintained, how your make up should be done. Fuss free. And my job is just to sit there looking like a zombie and let others do the rest. I can close my eyes and take a short nap, and when they're done, all I'll see in the mirror is a brand new me, looking all ready to face the world.

Accounts to why I want to be an actress/singer/model. Singer's better though cos I can dance, and the best thing is...I will be trained harshly by a professional...something which I can never find in any dance classes outside.

This was never told to my parents. I dare not even breathe a word abt this to them because I know what they will say.

My cousin used to take part in Star Search auditions, and I remember her asking me to join her cos she wants someone to accompany her (actually, I think she wants me along so that she knows she'll not be the only one to get thrown out if she did..and she won't be the ugliest of the lot either). I was tempted to join her for it, but I know my parents will definitely chop me up, so I didn't dare mention about it.

I thought perhaps I'll go for singing lessons then, so I checked up some websites. Lessons were too expensive, and not unless I get a sponser from my parents, there was no way I can pay for it. Besides, I'm not wanting to do it for a hobby. If I were to do it, I want it to be proper and it's definitely going to be long term.

I know I'm being childish, and now that I've graduated from med sch, people will think I'm crazy for wishing I could be some singer when I've got a far more stable and better job placed in front of me. It's hard to describe how I feel about it all. I don't hate Medicine, and I'm more than pleased that I've finally graduated to become a doc. However, at the end of the day, I know that I hate studying, and I enjoy dancing and singing much more than sitting down on my table and study. Yes, becoming a doc is my ambition, a realistic ambition, but I know what I enjoy most at the end of the day..what keeps me sane, and what keeps me happy....it is pretty obvious after noticing how drastically my physical and mental deteriorated after I had to give up ballet.