My weekend has been fulfilling, and that Finals Revision Course was good...best of all..it's free...lol.

Bad side is..I'm knackered after a whole full weekend of lectures. Good thing I don't start placement early tmr..phew.

Am feeling blessed as I'm drinking my cup of fresh orange juice from a new cup Dearie bought for me. My cam's batt has died, or else I'll post a pic of it here. Love the little kitty at the corner of my mug. It's been a long time since he bought me a prezzie.

I've got a list of things which I told myself that I'll study tonight, but too tired to read...grrr. Shall just give up and have a nice rest before another day of battle.

It was Professional Awareness Day - a day of lectures to give us a brief overview of the legal bodies and what our first year jobs will be like, plus memberships to various societies and unions who are mainly involved in insurance, legal defence etc.

It was great in a way, better than what I had expected. It also served as a reminder to me that in a few months (hopefully!), I'll be there on the frontline with no excuse to say "I can make mistakes cos I'm a student" as mistakes are no longer tolerated, and the law will be after me should things go wrong where I will face despicable lawyers who will exaggerate the consequences of your actions, turn white to black, and make you look absolutely worthless to the medical world and cruelly destroy your self-confidence and years of hardwork without a wink. It sounds horrid, and one might not believe that it will be that bad, but when it comes to one having to do his job and win his case, even your best friend will turn against you and become your worst enemy during the trial.

There's still lots which I don't know, and the remaining months left before I get thrown to "war" brings immense excitement, curiosity and fear. It is a weird combination of feelings, really. And like what Mum told me over the weekend, "It is a learning process. Enjoy it while you can." I am trying to enjoy this feeling, despite the slight hatred for this fear I've got. I am telling myself that it's the last time I'll be a student and even though I am dying to get out of Uni, simply because I dislike my Uni day, it shall become a memory in my life. Be it good or bad, I went through it, and decades later, it'll be something I can talk about. Something for me to reflect upon, and hopefully, I'll be able to see the changes in me when I first entered med school to what I am now.

Anyway, I'm trying to console myself again. Not just for med sch, but for my rship. It was pure envy as I watched the medic couples in my course sitting together in the computer lab, doing mock questions online, having discussion with each other, and teaching each other. For a moment, I did wish my bf's a medic, so that we can learn together, and motivate each other. But on 2nd thoughts, having a non-medic bf is probably better..at least I think my bf's good enough. I don't have to talk about my day in hospital when I'm with him, unless there is something I want to rant about.

It's more difficult for a non-medic to understand what medics go through, but for him, he has tried and I do appreciate the effort he made, and his excitement of having undergo full body examinations by being my guinea pig which is very unforgettable...haha. It was nice to have feedback as I'm examining him since he's a non-medic, and will be the best substitute for a patient who doesn't know anything medical.

And most importantly, when you're at your lowest, you don't have to answer "What are the causes of Atrial fibrillation?" over a nice meal, when your bf is actually recapping what he's learnt the night before while eating his plate of char kway teow, while you go blank and realise you've forgotten all the causes when u've just read it 3 days ago.

I guess the grass always looks greener on the other side. Just when I'm envious of some, my friends are envious of my rship too, simply because Dearie goes EVERYWHERE with me. Yup, even to hospital (not up to the wards of course)! He just wants to accompany me, see the environment I'm working in, get a taste of my life in general there, etc. It's rare to find someone like that, who is interested in knowing what you do, what the other side of your life is all about, and witness the 180 degree change when you put on your white coat and stethoscope. It makes me really happy when I think about it.

Ok. Enough for the day. Shall get on to some revision now. :)

I bumped into someone I knew today in town. It was a surprise when she said "Have you met my fiance?". I didn't know she got engaged. I was happy for her, and was envious of her, and ever more envious as I saw her fiance carrying my friend's sis' baby and playing with him as the 3 of them walked away.

I know I shouldn't feel sad, but I really did. I am feeling miserable within, but I can't let it out. I can't even tell my parents, nor him, because at the end of it, no one knows how I feel. No one knows how much I want to feel secure in some way, to feel that there is somewhere where I really belong to, somewhere I can always go to when I'm tired mentally, someone I can trust my life with and something to look forward to everyday.

I rush to and fro hospital everyday, and then rush to study when I'm home and then rush to bed when I realise it's getting late. My life is that routine, and when I get up every morning, the only thing in my mind is to hurry up and go to the hospital. There is nothing which I look forward to. There is nothing that makes me feel that there is something that keeps me breathing. Nothing at all.

I thought maybe I have found something for me to live for..and I was grateful to have found him. But those months of happiness have made me feel that my life is heading for the worst indirectly. I have been used to being alone here, and I have grown numb to it, but he brought me out of it. I have grown attached to him as the months went by, so much so that I have lost my usual independence. I hated losing my ability to be independent initially because it was a major change to the way I have always been, and I found it difficult to cope with the change, but slowly, I learnt the beauty of being dependent, to watch him doing things for me, the feeling of being cared for and of course, the feeling of knowing that someone thinks I exist and mean something. I gave in without realising, and only got aware of this unexpected change when a friend commented that I am no longer as independent like how he thought of me, and when I realise that there is no motivation for me to dine out when I know I'm going to dine alone. That isn't the old me.

But just when it got to a point when I've grown accustomed to the change, I have to face reality and return to being independent. Why was I given happiness when it was meant to be taken away from me finally? Why make me think there is hope when now, all I can do is live by the day? I would rather live my years constantly thinking that my life is dull and colourness and stay convinced that way, than knowing that there is colour and meaning to it and then knowing that it might fade away. It's sheer torture.

Just like other girls, I want to go on to my next phase in life, but no matter how badly I wish to, I can't. I remember someone telling me this...."The person you marry might not be the one you love most, but he/she just happened to appear at the right time". I used to think it's absurd, but now, I am beginning to understand it. Maybe it's true. Maybe when things are not meant to be, I might really end up with someone else, because he appeared at the right time, and not because I love him as much as CG. And this thought is hurting me a lot because I know I cannot accept and cannot succumb to this cruel truth in life, if it ever does happen.

I know I shouldn't be thinking abt this now as my exams are more impt currently, but can I not worry and fret about it when the problem is shining into my face now? For more than 18 months, I have avoided this problem and trying to stay happy, but I know I can't avoid it for very much longer, because it will haunt me..and will continue to make me feel more and more miserable as I continue walking down this dark tunnel. I can choose to give it up right now, and turn back, but my love for him has grown too deep for me to let go now...and I end up finding myself enduring it and hurting myself simply because I love him.

He's stressed. Stressed and sad whenever he sees me tear over this. I want to stay happy for him, but I'm just rubbish at hiding it, and the more I try to pretend that it's not affecting me, the more it reveals. I was feeling so bad just now that when Mum called, I wanted to just cry it all out on the phone. But I didn't as I didn't want to worry her. She's not stupid, and I was sure she knew from my voice and nose-stiffling that I'm not ok here when she spoke to me. She didn't probe, and I reckon she was thinking that I'll tell her about it when I feel that I'm ready to talk.

I was very sad yesterday when I knew that he's going back for a month very soon. It is only a month, but I'm sure it wouldn't feel like a month. Simply because it's difficult trying to communicate with him when he's home, and I would have to again face the truth that I will never be one of his top priorities...or even if I am, I'll have to compromise my sense of security because of his never-ending building rapport sessions, and his "You will never understand" family issues. Sometimes I hate myself for not being understanding, yet at times, I feel that there is a limit to everything. I don't think it's normal if I can gladly say I'm fine when each time we're on the phone, I hear him dozing off or hear him telling me that he's exhausted and that we should hang up the phone and sleep.

The thought that I might have to live with this for not only one month, but for the many years to come in future, just wears me out drastically. My faith in the relationship is going downhill, and I am desperately hoping it'll turn back and head for the other direction, yet I can do nothing to change it. It makes me feel absolutely helpless.

Irritates the hell out of me

I'm kinda glad my placement is over. A great relief in a way, cos I can stop getting nightmares and being pissed off abt being stressed over things which are not going to benefit me in any way for the exam, such as forcing myself to be in the hospital when there is nothing very beneficial going on on some days just to make sure I'm around if the Consultant decides to just pop up and ask where I am.

And it's ever more pissing having to sign in everyday, so that the hospital can monitor if u've been ard. Plus Consultant signatures every week for some internal evaluation which is a big pain in the ass, which is meant to actually be feedback, but ended up looking like some hurdle to go through every week just to get a satisfactory pass to go on to the next placement and of course, to make sure that you have been present that week and that the Consultant have seen you.

I got a good grade for my case report, but the Attitude and Conduct bit made me kinda irritated because I didn't get a good score for it.

And comments meant something like I've got an attitude problem.

I agree I have been very quiet in the hospital, and I'm definitely the least sociable among the lot, but that doesn't mean I've got an attitude problem. There is just no common topic to talk about with my coursemates, that's why I'm quiet. I was NEVER seen as a quiet person back home. NEVER!

And I dread social outings, accounting to why I have never turned up for any social events here in the UK. Simply because if all I do the entire night after dinner is to go to some pub and get myself dehydrated with bottles of alcohol and get a nasty hangover the next day, I might as well just have a simple nice dinner and study for the rest of the night. I know building rapport is important, but what's the point of having me around when I can't even drink, when there's no one to talk to, when I'm not even enjoying myself at all. I did make an effort to turn up for social events before with other people, but there was not once I felt I enjoyed. In fact, to me, it's a complete waste of my time and money to get wasted in a pub, and make a fool of myself in front of my coursemates and doctors. So what if I'm some party animal? Is that going to make a difference to my life? If it isn't in terms of practicality, then I'm not interested. Simple as that. Period.

I am so angry tonight, that I shall stuff myself with food later, so that I can get on with my life tonight. Apparently, the nap in the coach didn't cool me down very much.

Darling, GOOD LUCK!

I was so disappointed after tossing the coin a few times, and the decision is to turn up at the hospital tmr. I was hoping to give my darling moral support for his big interview tmr at Oxford University.

It was frustrating being in this dilemma because I find turning up at the hospital, merely to please my Consultant, rather than actually learning anything. I spent hrs there, but most of the time, it's pointless, and at the end of the day, I have no idea what I have gained.

I do wanna accompany Dearie to Oxford, to support him, and also to take a look around since I've nv been there. He knows I'm sad abt the fact that I can't go, and promised to bring me there if he gets accepted.

He wore the new shirt and tie I chose for him, together with the suit his Dad sent him. And oh my, does he look so different!!! Very good looking...hehehe. Professional and smart..the way I like it *winks*

Anyway, I wish him all the best, and hopefully, everything will go well for him :)

Irritable

I'm in quite a bit of stress cos I've got tons of things to do, and by right, I should be rushing to do them, but I'm not in the mood to do so. Have no idea why.

I'm just tired mentally, I suppose. Fed up. No matter how much I revise, I can nv remember it. No matter how hard I revise, I still feel stupid at the end of it all. And I hate that feeling big time.

I need some distraction. I want to have some fun, but he's too tired to entertain me. I tried all ways to irritate him just to gain attention, but it didn't work. All he could say is that he wants a nap cos he's sleepy.

Fine.

So back I am in my room alone, with my books opened in front of me, but I can't even read it for a minute.

If only someone can call me, msn me, wateva...just entertain me in any way..I'll be grateful..

All happy again

I had a really shitty week, but I'm back to being happy again for 2 reasons:

1. Finally got a good case to present on Monday and prevent myself for being in deep shit
2. Got blood tests for CG done at the hospital I'm doing my attachment in and he is now being treated for his gastritis/duodenitis.

I was very pleased that the A&E doctors did me a favour by seeing him as a temporary patient when I brought him down to the hospital, and asked my Consultant if he can be seen. He was in great pain since last night and didn't sleep at all.

He got his blood tested, and we're still waiting for the results, but the doctors thought he should just go ahead and start the triple therapy anyway. At least it'll relieve him of the pain. And those meds have done wonders for my darling. He hasn't been in agony after taking a dose of it...at least till now. Hopefully he will start feeling better soon.

Few more months

I must rrrreeeennnnn. It's only a few more months.

I won't have to worry abt it anymore.
I won't have to see other ppl's face/mood.
I won't have to let others talk down to me.
I won't have to be seen as being inferior.

I must tolerate for the sake of the benefits I will get to enjoy after the years of hell I've gone through.

It will be over soon, Michelle.

The "wonderful" NHS service

CG has been having his bout of gastritis attacks again and because it has been such a long-going problem and nothing has been done abt it for him in China, we thought it was best to do something abt it while he's here, and especially when he was in pain again yesterday.

So off we went to the University Hospital, into A&E. Despite being a med student here, I shall not protect the NHS and say how wonderful it is, simply because it's RUBBISH. Till now, I have no idea how the people here can tolerate the type of medical system they have here, and I have no idea how such a rubbish system can last till today. Trust me, if u live in the UK, u will know. Even the Brits themselves think the NHS is shit.

Back home, as long as u feel unwell enough that u will bother to catch a cab/bus down to A&E, it's obvious enough that it's got to a point whereby u think u really have to see someone abt it. I mean, who on earth, would be sitting comfortably in the living room feeling bored over the hours of nonsensical TV programmes and say "Hmm..I'm bored...maybe I should just take a walk..probably go down to A&E and check out my sore throat since I have no idea where else I can go to to kill time" right?!

And there is no such thing as u won't be seen as long as u show your face in A&E in Singapore. Yes, maybe they will make u wait for hours, BUT at least u can assure yourself that u will be seen! But here, NO!

We streamed into A&E asking if CG can see a doctor for his abdo pain that has been going on for 10 days or so, and he's been throwing up a lot of acid, so much that he's not even able to sleep properly at night.

The receptionist then said we should go and see our GP about it, but hello..it's like 11pm already...how on earth are we going to see a GP? Besides, I would think twice abt seeing my GP simply because he's absolutely rubbish...no communication skills...unhelpful...not smiling...and that bloody practice is closed most of the time! Plus u need appointments..and even if u're really ill..they can tell u they'll see u 2-3 days later...which by then, u'll either end up as an emergency case in the hospital or recovered.

Anyway, the receptionist said she'll see if a doctor will see us, and before that, she got us to see a Staff Nurse who was pretty grumpy. She took an extremely brief history, and then also asked if CG had any medical problems in the past. I briefly told her that he could be hypoglycaemic, even though he didn't get it diagnosed, and was wondering if she could check it. And the next moment, she said "What makes u think so?" in an unfriendly tone. I was kinda irritated when I heard that, and wanted to tell her that I know what the symptoms of hypoglycaemia is, simply because I'm a medic! But I held back, because I know I'm still a student, and I did wish I had already graduated, so that I can tell her straight in the face that I'm a doctor. I bet u she'll change her fucked up attitude if she knew I was a doc.

She took this whole history which I think was simply pointless, cos at the end of it, all she did was take the temperature, blood pressure, and then told us to press some button on the phone to call the Out-Of-Hours GP, which we did. I asked her before then, whether we could be seen in the hospital instead because it's late and we have transport problems, but she said the A&E only deals with accidents and emergency cases. It got on my nerves again, because there were only 2 patients waiting to be seen! I started wondering what the hell the A&E doctors are doing. Does it kill to see one patient whose history is so darn straightforward that it wouldn't even take more than 15 mins?

The lady on the phone told us that the Out-of-Hours GP will see CG, but we will have to make our way down to another hospital, but it'll be at 12.45am. I asked if it could be earlier, but she said they're very busy and that's the earliest slot available. Pain in the neck really. And there's no buses/taxis in sight too. So CG thought we might as well take a slow walk down.

Since it would still be a while before the appointment, I thought I might as well stop at the Jap restaurant and have my supper.

It took more than an hour to walk from the University Hospital to the other hospital. And when we arrived, THERE WAS NOT EVEN A PATIENT IN SIGHT!!!!! To think that lady told me they're VERY busy. Gosh, what were they busy with, I wonder. Hitting flies?!

It was really pointless seeing the GP, to be honest, since she did nothing for CG except telling him the diagnosis (which I have told CG umpteen times), giving him this bottle of antacids (which is useless since he even tried stronger ones which didn't work), and told him to go to his GP to get blood tests done. It got on my nerves again, because we know all that, and the fact that we took the trouble to make our way down to the hospital was because we wanna get some blood tests done to confirm it, and then be given some eradication therapy for it!

It's frustrating to have to go register with a GP, because if the GP we registered with is crap, we simply just have to live with it. You can only be registered with ONE GP Practice and see no one else except him/her. It's so unlike Sg whereby u can just walk into any clinic.

ARGH!

Hopefully he'll be able to get registered with a GP somewhere, somehow. But I have no idea where to get him to go to, since there is none near our place...and I wouldn't recommend him going to my crappy GP. Then again, I am so worried for him and I seriously thinks he needs to get his abdo sorted. Will find a way.

My heart aches when I think about what happened yesterday, and it feels no better whenever I thought about the patient I saw on Wednesday. In fact, whenever I think about her now, I start feeling worried and insecure abt myself and I can't help wondering if I would end up being in the same shoes as her years later. I did wonder if fate which allowed me to know her, was a hint from above.

I felt really sorry for her and her mother as she was sitting in the cubicle, carrying her little daughter. She's from China and speaks very little English, so there was huge difficulty when the doctors tried to take her history. My friend, then came searching for me in the wards, to see if I was available to help be a translator. It's a case of domestic abuse, and seeing what her Chinese husband did to her, made me realise what bastards some guys really are. I could see a look of gratefulness when I appeared and spoke Mandarin to her. I could tell she was happy that there was finally someone who can understand what she was saying. It was a tearful situation when she related the whole incident, and despite the fear of returning to her abusive home, she was still trying to protect her husband by not reporting to the police. I was suspicious at a moment abt whether they are here legally, and am speculating that perhaps, that is a reason to why she hasn't been reporting about her numerous abuse over the many years.

Being chinese, and knowing how hard it is to find someone your own kind to talk to you, I took time to chat with them after the doctors were done with their job. I also brought her to collect her medications, and showed her the way to the bus stop.

It has been a wonderful pleasure for me to have met her, and both her Mum and her were very grateful over the help I have given her. Apparently, they own a Chinese Takeaway, and she gave me her contact number and address, and said I am most welcome to keep in touch with her or I can just ring to order food if I'm hungry in the hospital, and she'll make sure she cooks it personally and bring it down to me personally. I wanted to call her that evening to see if she's alright, but didn't dare to use my hp since I didn't want her husband to know my details (I have to think abt my own safety too).

CG and me had a misunderstanding yesterday which turned into a major quarrel and then physical (i'm not kidding). It was a very unpleasant evening, and we didn't talk for many hours. As we were taking the bus back at night to the hospital, the bus went past my patient's takeaway, and I really wanted to get off and talk to her (I wasn't feeling well at all), and also to see if she's alright. Somehow I thought she, having gone through it herself, might know how I'm feeling. But it was pretty late, and the buses are not frequent too, so I held back. I saw her at the counter with her daughter though, so I was still kinda glad that she's alright. She said I can write to her with the address she gave me. I guess that's the only way to stay in touch.

Anyway, back to CG and me. That move of his drastically reduced my faith in the relationship. We're still together, but I told him last night that I'll need to think it over. Today, I behaved like as if nothing has happened yesterday, but in actual fact, my heart is still hurting a lot. I knew this would happen one day, and it really did.

We're having dinner together tonight, but I know my aim is just dinner, and not because this dinner is with someone I love. I don't know if I will still love him as much as I do after this incident, and although he said he has regretted what he has done, I still cannot forgive him completely. I don't even know if there will be a 2nd time. I don't even know if it'll get more physical the next time.

He said he won't do it again, but like the other times when he said he wouldn't throw and kick things and yell when he's angry, he still did it. I find it tough to trust what he said, even though he's still my bf and I know this doesn't look like it's heading the right direction.

I don't know what's going to happen, and I'll let fate and time do the job. I think I'm slowly trying to shift my mindset from wanting this rship to last to not knowing if it will last or whether it's worth lasting. I guess this will at least make me feel better and take things easier.

See the world more, Mr Old Man

Here I am in the library reading, but being kinda distracted and disturbed by the old man who spoke to Dearie and me while we were doing our shopping. Decided to blog abt it, so that I can stop thinking abt it and get on with my revision.

I'm feeling very sore about what he said, and I hate myself for not telling him off straight in the face, reason being I didn't think toooo much about it then, and I was more interested in searching for the right size of shirt for Dearie. I really really do regret it now, and wished I could go back to the same scene at that time to give him some verbal slapping.

Here's how it went..

Dearie and I were searching for a nice shirt so that he can wear it to his interview, and this old man came, picked one of the shirts and...

Old man: Oh...made in Cambodia...where's Cambodia?
Me: Near to Thailand
Old man: *sneers then comes over to see where the shirt I picked is made in* Where's that from? China?
Me: *ignores*
Old man: No..made in indonesia...
Me: *looks at the tag* yeah..
Old man: You should get British made ones if u want something proper..
Me: *ignores*
*old man walks away*

FUCK! WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!?!?!?!?!

Shheeeesssshhhh...if that fucked up old man thinks so highly of British goods and sneers at products made in Asia, then why the hell is he in Marks & Spencers, when most of the stuffs are made in developing countries?

Why is he not in Aquascutum?
Why is he not in Pink?
Why is he not in Burberry?

I agree that goods made in developing countries are perhaps not having as good quality control as those made in Western countries, but the shops are more concerned abt the cheap labour costs to maximise profits. And if the consumers are so damn picky..wanting cheap goods yet wanting it ANGMO made, then jolly well make their way to branded shops and stop grumbling about how extorbitant the prices are.

Can't stand people who grumble abt all the unnecessary shit when they should ask themselves whether they can afford PROPER (like they claim) stuffs. If they can't, SHUT UP and stop being such a snob.

What's so wrong with Asia too? Some are still in poverty, but what makes UK any better than them? I don't think there's anything that fantastic abt this place. All they do is get drunk every night. And superior they claim themselves to be, then why is it when other countries are gradually developing, they're still stuck in their pathetic state, with the crappiest technology and with streets that are absolutely filthy and architecture which doesn't even make anyone go "Wow!"

All I can say is that old man hasn't seen the world enough, hence, still living in his good old days thinking that the Whites are the most superior race in the world.

Get a life, Sir. You should go see the outside world more, rather than being a frog in the well.

London date

In attempt to make it look like a proper date, Dearie went "Can I have a date with u on XXXXX? We'll go to London ok?"

So there we were, in London yesterday. And that date went really well.

We have been craving for this wonderfully boiled fish head soup for months, but the menu was changed when we got to the same restaurant. MAJOR DISAPPOINTMENT since we were still excitedly talking about it in the coach. But dim sum went alright. It's been a long time since I had it, and I did enjoy my meal a lot.

Headed down to one of the shops to get my international calling card before we headed to Covent Garden for a view of the English market. It was quite an insight for Dearie, and he was pretty entertained by the road performers. We were actually picked on the streets and asked to kiss publicly. It was an extremely huge crowd around us, and it will look like we're complete spoilsports if we just rejected and try to run away, so despite being shy, we did. Got a round of applause even though the guy said it wasn't big enough. I really wonder what's big then. Did he mean like those in the movies whereby the guy looks as if he wanna eat up the girl? No no...that's a bit overboard if I were to be asked to kiss in public with him.

Loved the handmade jewellery in the market, but it was extremely costly. Sigh..

Walked around the shops there, and I went into Guess! Manz, I just love the clothes there..at least to me, it looks much better than Zara and MNG. The clothes were nicely displayed and everything looked so organised. It's a nightmare each time I walk into Zara and MNG, simply because I totally dread the material of their clothes (turns kiam chai easily), nothing special, and most importantly, the clothes are NEVER ironed (I can't stand crumpled clothes on display..). Fell in love with a beige leather jacket. Design was simple, but the cut was well done. Size is kinda small too, so it wouldn't be a problem for me fitting into it. And the best thing was the leather feel...gosh...! One touch, and u know the price is gonna be costly. And indeed, it costs more than 300 pounds!!!!! Couldn't buy it then, even though I was tempted to take out my card to swipe....heheehe.

Headed to Bayswater for the famous duck rice (we never miss it each time we go there), but because we had yummilicious Mocha Frappucino with whipped cream at Starbucks in Covent Garden, we were too full to actually indulge in the food. In fact, we were struggling to finish up the dishes, which normally doesn't happen.

Walked around Westminster for a bit to look at the lights. Dearie likes the Big Ben very much, so we went to the area near the London Eye to sit down and admire it's grandness from a distance. It was pure happiness laying next to him and being kissed. I felt like some baby kitten...hahaha.

Got on the coach at Victoria and headed back to Cardiff. We were so tired that both of us dozed off throughout the journey. But it was more chatting in bed before we dozed off again. If only I can have this more often.