I bumped into someone I knew today in town. It was a surprise when she said "Have you met my fiance?". I didn't know she got engaged. I was happy for her, and was envious of her, and ever more envious as I saw her fiance carrying my friend's sis' baby and playing with him as the 3 of them walked away.

I know I shouldn't feel sad, but I really did. I am feeling miserable within, but I can't let it out. I can't even tell my parents, nor him, because at the end of it, no one knows how I feel. No one knows how much I want to feel secure in some way, to feel that there is somewhere where I really belong to, somewhere I can always go to when I'm tired mentally, someone I can trust my life with and something to look forward to everyday.

I rush to and fro hospital everyday, and then rush to study when I'm home and then rush to bed when I realise it's getting late. My life is that routine, and when I get up every morning, the only thing in my mind is to hurry up and go to the hospital. There is nothing which I look forward to. There is nothing that makes me feel that there is something that keeps me breathing. Nothing at all.

I thought maybe I have found something for me to live for..and I was grateful to have found him. But those months of happiness have made me feel that my life is heading for the worst indirectly. I have been used to being alone here, and I have grown numb to it, but he brought me out of it. I have grown attached to him as the months went by, so much so that I have lost my usual independence. I hated losing my ability to be independent initially because it was a major change to the way I have always been, and I found it difficult to cope with the change, but slowly, I learnt the beauty of being dependent, to watch him doing things for me, the feeling of being cared for and of course, the feeling of knowing that someone thinks I exist and mean something. I gave in without realising, and only got aware of this unexpected change when a friend commented that I am no longer as independent like how he thought of me, and when I realise that there is no motivation for me to dine out when I know I'm going to dine alone. That isn't the old me.

But just when it got to a point when I've grown accustomed to the change, I have to face reality and return to being independent. Why was I given happiness when it was meant to be taken away from me finally? Why make me think there is hope when now, all I can do is live by the day? I would rather live my years constantly thinking that my life is dull and colourness and stay convinced that way, than knowing that there is colour and meaning to it and then knowing that it might fade away. It's sheer torture.

Just like other girls, I want to go on to my next phase in life, but no matter how badly I wish to, I can't. I remember someone telling me this...."The person you marry might not be the one you love most, but he/she just happened to appear at the right time". I used to think it's absurd, but now, I am beginning to understand it. Maybe it's true. Maybe when things are not meant to be, I might really end up with someone else, because he appeared at the right time, and not because I love him as much as CG. And this thought is hurting me a lot because I know I cannot accept and cannot succumb to this cruel truth in life, if it ever does happen.

I know I shouldn't be thinking abt this now as my exams are more impt currently, but can I not worry and fret about it when the problem is shining into my face now? For more than 18 months, I have avoided this problem and trying to stay happy, but I know I can't avoid it for very much longer, because it will haunt me..and will continue to make me feel more and more miserable as I continue walking down this dark tunnel. I can choose to give it up right now, and turn back, but my love for him has grown too deep for me to let go now...and I end up finding myself enduring it and hurting myself simply because I love him.

He's stressed. Stressed and sad whenever he sees me tear over this. I want to stay happy for him, but I'm just rubbish at hiding it, and the more I try to pretend that it's not affecting me, the more it reveals. I was feeling so bad just now that when Mum called, I wanted to just cry it all out on the phone. But I didn't as I didn't want to worry her. She's not stupid, and I was sure she knew from my voice and nose-stiffling that I'm not ok here when she spoke to me. She didn't probe, and I reckon she was thinking that I'll tell her about it when I feel that I'm ready to talk.

I was very sad yesterday when I knew that he's going back for a month very soon. It is only a month, but I'm sure it wouldn't feel like a month. Simply because it's difficult trying to communicate with him when he's home, and I would have to again face the truth that I will never be one of his top priorities...or even if I am, I'll have to compromise my sense of security because of his never-ending building rapport sessions, and his "You will never understand" family issues. Sometimes I hate myself for not being understanding, yet at times, I feel that there is a limit to everything. I don't think it's normal if I can gladly say I'm fine when each time we're on the phone, I hear him dozing off or hear him telling me that he's exhausted and that we should hang up the phone and sleep.

The thought that I might have to live with this for not only one month, but for the many years to come in future, just wears me out drastically. My faith in the relationship is going downhill, and I am desperately hoping it'll turn back and head for the other direction, yet I can do nothing to change it. It makes me feel absolutely helpless.