Moving on

I can finally get on with my dull life after the months of waiting for the release of jobs. I have gotten one of my 8 choices, but unfortunately, not one of my top choices.

I was in a confused mood yesterday..in fact..for quite some time before the release, simply because I had no idea what to do with myself for next yr, and where to start looking for accomodation etc. I was calculating costs and how much I'll be able to save up etc etc, to a point that I started wondering if I have made a wrong choice to work here.

Anyway, I'll be sent off quite far away (but not the furthest!) for my job. I did feel disappointed and upset, and yes, I did cry. I tried holding it back, but I realise I couldn't the moment I heard Dearie's voice on the phone. It was kinda embarrassing, and I tried to hide it away from my coursemates by going out of the room to a quiet corner to talk to Dearie.

Advantage is...that hospital I'll be working in is an extremely friendly hospital from what I gather from friends, doctors and whoever that has been there for wateva reasons. I got 2 friends working there now, even though they'll be leaving when I start work. One of them is in fact, the current HO for the job I've got, so I'll be sticking with her when I do my HO shadowing in the coming weeks.

I don't have to think abt accomodation cos it's provided, and I heard that the accom is good. Council tax..I'm exempted, so basically, I get to save about 600 pounds a month at least, which I won't be able to if I were to get the jobs in South Wales. That is shit loads of money after converting to SGD, and Dearie was so happy for me, claiming that I'll be very much richer being there.

BUT I cried because I'll not be able to see him that much anymore. He's definitely not going to be in Cardiff, and the closest place he can ever be if he stays, is London. It doesn't matter whether he does his PhD or gets a job...and I know despite him not very wanting to do a PhD, he still hopes to go to Cambridge (he doesn't mind London though..and he's got an interview coming soon from Oxford Uni!!! Yay!!!)...and I hope he gets what he wants. I am praying hard for him, but at the same time, it will draw our distance further apart.

It's pointless if I can save tons and tons of money, when I don't have any support from him, especially when I've grown so attached to him now. He said we'll see each other at least once a month..but...he's afterall..not Singaporean..how much more can we meet with the limited time we have here? I am trying to stay optimistic, thinking that at least I'll still get to see him as long as he's in UK, but I can't lie to myself too, can I?

He told me he's thinking of going back to China for a month or 2 if he doesn't get a job next mth or so. It was the 2nd blow to me yesterday, and I cried so hard that I completely worn myself out and dozed off just after 11pm. It felt like a nightmare just came true, because I did dream of it a few nights ago. My exams are coming, and seriously, this is THE time when I need him most. Somehow, I felt like I am gonna be abandoned soon, and I wasn't sure if his intended short return will end up becoming an unexpected eternal end to our rship because of various external factors. I should trust him, but I was just paranoid and insecure.

Anyway, I shall try and get on with my life and hope things will turn out fine in the end.

Fucked up medical system

When I started my first day in Medicine, I only had one aim. To become a doctor, to climb up the hierachy ladder at a pace I feel comfortable with, and to do voluntary services whenever I think I am at an adequate level to do so. This route has been tough, and I have cursed uncountable times as I struggle my way through Phase 1. And I'm sure I'll continue cursing more as I struggle down this dark tunnel, but somehow my faith in believing that there must be a golden light at the end of it, kept me on the same path.

But the deeper I go into it, I start asking myself if there really is my ray of hope. I suddenly remembered Grandaunt's "You're still living in a world of idealism at your age. But idealism is different from realism."

I was very sad last night as I laid in bed, thinking of what the Consultant Anaesthetist told me in the day. I felt like an innocent childish kid entering Medicine years ago with my innocent childish ideas, only to realise that the world isn't as beautiful as I thought it would be.

With the changes made to the medical hierachy system made here in UK, it will make my life tougher. Like all foreign students who did Medicine here, we're asked to leave after 26 months of working in UK. We can choose to stay after 26 mths, but we're given last priority for jobs.

It's not fair especially when we have paid so much tuition fees, and it's not as if we're definitely not comparable to the Brits and EU ppl. It's racist, if u think of it, but what we can say about it? It just makes me hate UK even more. And I won't even encourage anyone to do Medicine in the UK, since it's legal robbery for the least gains.

I was told about the specialist training scheme yesterday by the Consultant Anaesthetist for Anaesthesia. No, I'm not planning into going into that, but the scheme is somewhat similar for all the other types of specialty training I am hoping to do.

For Anaesthetics, apparently, doctors who have finished their 2 years of housemanship can apply for the specialist training if they want to go into this specialty. That would mean, your senior who is 5 years above u who have happily stayed in the Medical Officer level can be fighting with you for the place as long as he/she wants to do it.

And there are only 22 posts in the whole of Wales!

Competition is therefore deemed to be extremely fierce (now what's that competition for medical school entrance compared to this?). If you get selected for one of the 22 posts, then you're on the "Guaranteed" route (Route 1) to becoming a Consultant in the years to come, PROVIDED you pass your exams within 2 times, if not, u will be kicked out of this "Guaranteed" route, and will have to choose another specialty and compete for that new specialty's training from scratch, like as if u have just passed out from your 2 years of housemanship.

Should u be unlucky enough to not get into the "Guaranteed" route, u can fight for the chance to get into Route 2, which has only like 2 places available, whereby you will be guaranteed to join Route 1 at some point (with the same conditions applied for Route 1).

BUT if u are unlucky enough to not get either Route 1 or 2, there is Route 3. There are 60 places, and you get to join Route 1 only if anyone drops out from Route 1. And should no one drops out, u get thrown to what they call "Career Grade", where u basically stay stuck in that level without being degraded or upgraded. I think during this time, u can keep applying for Route 1 again and again until u get in, but how long it'll take will be another issue.

Reason for this fucked up system is because of Funding. Deanery funds Route 1-3, but the hospital trust funds the Career Grades. And because this stupid NHS is so poor, they are trying to paying doctors as little as they can. So if they keep most people in the Career Grades, the NHS can save costs by giving them minimal pay for maximum work done.

Now, is that shit.

My plans are just to get my ass back to Sg after 2 years, but I'm sure many more ppl will be thinking the same, and with Sg opening up to more foreigners, I feel threatened about not being able to secure a place I hope to get.

I don't understand why doing something I want is so difficult. I used to think that as long as I get through the medical school entrance, my route is kinda secured, but I am oh so wrong about it. And people ard me are thinking I'm so lucky because it's a career that guarantees a job since the world has a lack of doctors. But does it seem to be so? I doubt it since there is a huge estimate of doctors becoming unemployed, especially with this new condemned UK system. Where are these docs gonna go from there? Work in Tescos? I'm not surprised.

And the greatest joke are the people involved in this shit telling u "Apply only if you're really interested". Does that make any sense? It will make perfect sense if someone knows he/she is likely to get the specialty they want. But it makes no sense if u have been rejected endless times by various specialties, and u're forced to choose a specialty u dread but had to do so because u have no choice (unless u wanna be unemployed)..and live with this misery until the day u decide to retire.

Probably u'll find that the job you dread might not be as bad, and will soon grow to love it, but hey...how many end up being so? You'll be pleased enough to find them not getting into depression.

It also makes me wonder how, with such a system, can patients be provided with the best care, when some of the doctors who are in the specialty got in without a choice and absolutely hates their job. Can't blame grumpy doctors now, can u? They're grumpy for a reason, and for all u know, this might be it.

Who actually cares?

Parents and my brother (who tends to only show it in the events of any crisis) of course. But that's not the main point.

This question has been running in my head uncountable times, and as the years go, I only came to ONE conclusion, and have yet to meet someone to prove me wrong. Somewhat, this conclusion of mine has made me happier in a waybecause I don't grasp onto my ideals that much, don't cry as much over it, and don't give too much shit abt these things I now deem "a waste of my time". It takes too much hassle to please someone just to assure that they must take u as a friend.

I used to have several friends whom I really cared about and regarded as pals, but after knowing some of the nasty things they did behind my back before, or did to me, or have them leaving me just because I decided that I want to be nothing more than friends with them, it changed my whole perception of things. I don't mind having them to prove me wrong, but no one has bothered to, or probably didn't see the need to. I patiently waited for my perception to change, but as time went by, I was just convinced from "maybe I wasn't worth their time and that he/she thought that friendship wasn't worth reviving" to "if i'm not worth anything to them, they're not worth anything to me either". Perhaps my thought transition isn't heading the right direction, since people can argue with me that friends are worth fighting for, but on 2nd thoughts, do they actually care that u see this friendship as worth it? Just like a intimate relationship, platonic friendship works both ways. It's pointless if I put in so much effort, and then being mistaken as being desperate, irritating and what have u. There are many other things out there which deserves more time to be spent on, than working on some one-way traffic.

"Who is your greatest pal?",Dearie asked me as I was comfortably tucked under the duvet, getting ready to slp,"Is it Y? I think it should be."

Me: He's my great pal, but he's not my greatest.
Dear: Then who is?
Me: V is.
Dear: Oh yeah. But I don't think he's one whom u'll say everything to, and I'm sure he doesn't know u soooo well to know your thoughts.
Me: Of course he can't know me that well. We can't be thaaaatttt close.
Dear: Why not?
Me: Because he's a guy. It's different.
Dear: Then do u have any relatives who cares abt u?
Me: Hmm...I can't lie and say no one cares...but how much they care would be another issue.
Dear: I think I'm lucky then. ZB and JX are pals who know me in and out, and we can talk abt everything. And my 2nd aunt loves and cares abt me a lot.

I felt really pathetic when he said that. Then again, my life has been like that since I had my first cry..and for so many years, I have already grown accustomed to it. I should, anyway. Otherwise, my tears would have accumulated to an amount more than that of the Yangtze River.

For now, I'm just contented enough to have Dearie's Mum, Dad, Cousin and friends to ask how I am when they're chatting to him. And of course, having his cousin sending me messages to see if my dental wound have healed. It's quite sad that these people aren't even related by blood to me, but they never failed to ask abt me and ask Dearie to send their regards to me.

When his family heard that I love watermelons, they specially bought them for me when I was in China. And if the watermelon isn't sweet, his Dad would bother going downstairs to buy another and another and another until he got a sweet one. When his Dad knew I love XLBs, he would buy it for me for breakfast every morning.

His mum was sweet too. She knew I love chocolates and bought me a box for me to put into my hand luggage, so that I can spend my time eating them in the plane.

His step-mum didn't do very much for me, but at least she bothered to notice what I like eating, and told Dearie's Dad that I love the korean BBQ beef and that he should order more of it. His step-dad didn't do very much either, but bothered to take out his professional camera to take photos of Dearie and Me, with his 2nd aunt and Mum. The 3 of them were really cute as well, because they were so happy over the photoshoots in the house, and getting me and Dearie to do poses together. I was only a guest in China, but I was so warmly welcomed and I did feel like part of their family.

Some people I know, and who are supposed to be closer to me, are the disappointing ones. And the most disappointing of this lot are...

Those who go abroad to study!!!

You find this group of people only approaching u when they need information from u. You only find them appearing when they need free accomodation. They disappear into thin air otherwise.

I couldn't be bothered much about those people anymore. But one which I felt MOST disappointed in is someone whom I've deemed as a buddy, and was extremely excited when I knew he was gonna come to UK for his studies. I was pleased that I would have someone to talk to, someone to visit whenever I am bored etc. But only to realise that it's not so. Nothing changed, except my good impression of him.

Being friends for so long, and having been asked by our gang to take good care of him, I did put in the effort to check if he's alright when he first came, ask a few times for his contact in UK etc. I even made an effort to ask if he cared for a meal when I went to XXXXXX with my bf, but carelessly forgot to bring the piece of paper which had his number on it. I thought he would call if I didn't call since he knew I would be ard and waited for it, but he didn't. I felt very embarrassed when my bf said, "I thought u said he's your good buddy. What kind of buddy would not even call u to ask abt the meet up?" I was hurt over why my buddy did this, but still found excuses for him.

Then there was another time when I asked when he's gonna come over to see me or have a meal with me, and all I get is "I don't have money". That's the crappiest excuse ever, trust me. Yes, it is not cheap to come and see me, but it's still affordable (even if he's a poor student like he claims) if he books tickets early. And it's not some weekly affair. It's a once-in-a-blue-moon thing, and even if it's not tooooo cheap, to see a friend once in a while is still worth it no? Apparently, he proved to me that I'm not worth spending the pounds to see. Even if he doesn't come to see me, I think at least a meal sounds reasonable. And honestly, if he's THAT poor, I would gladly pay for the entire meal since I don't believe in compromising my friendship for that amount of pounds. But NOT EVEN ONCE did this person ask me when we're gonna meet up.

I consoled myself that maybe he's really that poor, until I found out that he went travelling with his gf in Europe. I would gladly buy his excuse of being "poor", but I think it says how much our friendship meant if spending that few pounds for a ticket to Cardiff is EXTORBITANT compared to how much he spent travelling in Europe. Plus, I was the last to know about their travel here. And what saddens me even more is that both of them and me are from the same gang. I know that they probably have many places to go, but I think if u take someone as a friend, u would drop a courtesy line to say XX is in UK and make an effort to come down to Cardiff for a day trip (since it's not that far and I would gladly pay for their meal and provide free accomodation) or ask if I wanna get my butt there to meet up.

BUT NO! NOT EVEN A WORD WAS BREATHED!

Also, not forgetting about what he said to me when I was chatting with him once over MSN. Even though he did apologise abt it in one of his blog entries, and I am not bearing any grudges abt it, I must admit that our friendship is no longer the same as how it was in Singapore, because he was the one who made it turn this way.

This thing has been something I have always wanted to blog out since I really wanna get it off my chest, but have hesitated to do so because some who reads my blog WILL know who this person is.

After our conversation on MSN yesterday, I decided to not give shit abt how he feels anymore. I didn't actually wanna bother telling him tt I'm planning to go to XXXXXX next weekend for a day trip with Dearie, since I know that even if he knows, he wouldn't even say "Let's have dinner together!" But I thought that I might as well say it to give him a chance to see how he responds (since he's having his easter holiday now and there's no excuse to say there's no time for dinner and cut that fucking no $ excuse, since if someone's really poor but wanna meet up, he'll find a way or even volunteer to make dinner). And at the end of it, I got a "Enjoy your trip." I felt damn stupid when I even asked Dearie, "Do u think I should ask him out for dinner with us?", and then having Dearie say "I'm not having dinner with him. Look, he already said 'Enjoy your trip', showing that he doesn't even care about whether u're going down to XXXXXX or not. Since he doesn't even wanna meet u even once after being here for close to 2 years, why would u even wanna bother asking him out for dinner?"

True. What Dearie said slapped me real hard on the face. Why should I even bother regarding him as a buddy, when he seems to be more like a long-time acquaintance now?

Honestly, I really wish he gets to know of this entry to wake his senses up, if he even cared a bit. I wonder if he knows who his true friends are, or rather what true friends are willing to do for each other. I would gladly be a true friend, and was even prepared to do it for him, but at the same time, if the other person doesn't appreciate it, I don't wanna make myself look like a clown.

From all his changes over the 2 years, all I can say is that he doesn't know who his friends are. His behaviour, attitude and speech isn't a change for the better, but only signifies his inferior complexity. The more he tries to hide it, the more it becomes obvious. And sadly, it isn't just me who thinks so.

Maybe he became this way after he gets to know people in UK. Maybe he thinks it's more important to do networking for selfish reasons, rather than to spend time on friends who won't be able to be of any help or he thinks might not be as successful as him in the future.

But he has forgotten that it's these friends whom he has thrown aside who truly treasures him and would stay by him to give him support and a listening ear when the world has decided to forsake him for wateva reasons.

Usual cursing

I was extremely frustrated yesterday when I woke up at 5pm feeling tired, and hating myself for not getting up earlier. I was pissed off that I didn't get to go shopping for some retail therapy simply because I can't bear to leave my books (when I actually hate them!).

I studied tooooo much this week, and I guess it kinda went overboard and made my mood really bad. Dearie couldn't believe how much work I did this week, and he said he felt really guilty watching the crazy speed of my revision.

In ONE week, I covered all of Cardiology, Respiratory, Gastroenterology (even the surgical side!) and Endocrinology (except thyroid). I know I'm made, but I just hate feeling stupid whenever I can't answer questions which my coursemates can. Plus, I know I'm a slow learner..and just to par with others, I have to work even harder.

Dearie doesn't like the idea of me saying I'm slow, because he doesn't think so, and I know I sound like some low morale idiot by saying how stupid and slow I am, but that's a fact. It always has been.

I whined a lot yesterday, losing my temper and grumbling abt why I'm in this shithole when my friends are having a much better quality of life without doing Medicine. I cursed at my freaking long 6 years here and with 2 more to end my misery in this depressing place. I cursed at having no friends, I cursed at not being able to find a solution to calm myself down, I cursed at basically everything I have always complained about.

"Hold on for a few more months. U've come a long way to reach here today...a few more months and it's over." said Dearie as I was crying hard in his arms. I know he was trying to calm me down, but actually, all I needed was his hugs and letting me cry my heart out. I just needed to release.

Watched an episode of HK drama with him, and something the actor said in the show made me feel better - "No one said being human is easy. Life is full of hurdles and misfortunes, and that's what makes life interesting".

It's not easy to find someone who can say things to calm me down. And Dearie can't either. It's not his fault since I know these things are in-born. It's somewhat disappointing though, cos I have always wanted someone who can say something simple that sends a message right through whenever I feel really lousy abt myself. I have yet to meet someone like that, and perhaps it's a good thing that I don't too...because I'm sure I'll fall for such a person.

Anyway, here I am back on my study desk revising again before I go to the hospital later. Woken up from a dream of me being in A&E takng histories from patients...grrrr..

Rheumatology is next on the revision list...

Our unknown fate

The parcel my parents sent to me arrived, and my boy was more excited than I was yesterday. I was kinda excited actually cos it's got my yummy milo in there, as well as the angpow my parents specially sent over. Dearie's got an angpow from them too, and I couldn't wait to give it to him...in fact...it was the first thing that came into my mind when I opened up the parcel.

It was great fun digging into the "treasure box" to see what was in there. Goodies, some necessities, my tee which my parents brought to the temple to be blessed, and some paper they got from the temple that tells us about our horoscope for the Year of the Pig.

"Good year for girls born in 1982 to get married"...and I was like "WOW!!!".

Me: Heard that? I should get married this year. So when r u proposing? Hurry up hor!
CG: I don't have a ring to propose
Me: Nvm. U can go buy one now :)
CG: Why not u sell me off instead?
Me: Wei...u rather get yourself sold than to marry me? Ok lor... :(
CG: I don't have the money to marry u. Wait a few more years. When I get to buy a house and car in Singapore, I'll marry u.

Piangz...when's that gonna be? Sigh.. (my senior is getting married to her bf here in Uk this june... super envious..if only i can get married after my graduation too..)

Am glad that my darling's done with his dissertation, and just doing the final alterations for it. He is also gonna start looking for a job here and I am praying hard that he'll get one soon.

I know he's worried about not being able to get one, and wanted to discuss it with me, but it's not easy since I can't help feeling very down abt it whenever he talks abt it. It's all my fault. He tried to talk abt it to me this evening, but when he saw tears whelming up in my eyes, he apologised and said he shouldn't have mentioned anything.

I can't help thinking abt it now, because he'll probably leave before my exams should he plan to go back. I might sound selfish, but I do need him badly during that period...apart from him, I don't have any other mental support here. I've just grown too attached to him.

I'm praying hard that things will go well for both of us. Hopefully we'll both get our jobs in Cardiff, and then we can start planning to rent a place which we can call our "own". We're dreaming of renting a studio with a double/queen-sized bed (to save cost) or a 2 bedroom flat, but we can't work anything out until we've definitely gotten our job confirmation. Please let our little dream come true.

Pressure building up

The pressure is building up gradually as people in my course are starting to stress each other with "How far have u done your revision?" and "Hey, so-and-so finished the whole OHCM twice already!" etc.

Honestly, having missed one whole week cos of my tooth is really putting me at a disadvantage. And I hate it for having such a non-productive one wk during then, cos seriously, I'm starting to get stressed, so much so that it is already affecting my sleep when I need it more than anything else at the moment.

I can be so dead tired, but just toss n turn, with Pneumonia, MI, TB, Lung Ca, AF running in my head again and again and again. Then just when I'm abt to doze off, the most hated alarm rings, and I have to battle with myself to wash up and rush to the hospital again.

Teaching has been alright, but way too much, since it knackers everyone out by the time it strikes 5, and by the time I get home, (cook), eat, wash up etc, it's about 8 pm. And my ward round takes forever, hence, hinders me to go take proper histories from patients (if I ever feel enthusiastic enuff since I'm super sleepy). I'm placed in Geriatrics this time, and it's not easy to have proper patients despite it's this age group which have numerous problems, simply because they're extremely old, and moving them around to examine is very difficult. They're usually weak and drowsy too, and hence, taking histories from them take a very very long time.

I really feel like shit at the moment, and dunno wat to do abt myself. I need more practice, but how the hell am I going to find time for that when the timetable every day is so freaking packed?! And I can't expect myself to be doing calls everyday either, cos we all take turns to do it..and being on call practically means u stay till 10pm and be in hospital by 8. U just hit the beds straight by the time u get home and finish with all the rubbish u have to do.

Sometimes, I just wish Mum's here..so I can save myself some trouble..especially when it comes to food....

Good start, hopefully :)

Boy does it feel ggggooooooddddd to be back in hospital again. Not that I'm grumbling that I'm having too much rest (since I needed it), but I was starting to get worried abt me lagging way behind my coursemates (i've always felt that i'm lagging all the time anyway for wateva reason). Plus I definitely needed to get these 2 books from my friend for photocopying as they're reallyy good, and I thought I might as well use it as a guide to kick off my ACTUAL revision for Finals.

I was excited to see Arti again. I've left this girl on her own for a week. It was also nice to be welcomed with "HEY, U'RE BACK!!!!!" with big smiles from some of my coursemates and education centre staff when they saw me. It's been an extremely long time since I had that. It must have been for at least 6 years. I was just glad people knew I still exist, basically.

Have finally made up with my bf after something I was extremely hurt about. Apparently, he wanted the break up (which he said he didn't actually mean), and I thought it'll be nice to have a break from the whole relationship after thinking about it for a good few minutes. I tried to take it in my stride, so I didn't cry toooo much over it, but instead he did. Call me weak, but it pains me when I see him looking so worn out with blood-shot eyes. And wanting time-off wasn't that easy either since we live together, and he'll frequently still come into my room without knocking even though I have made it clear that we're not together anymore. And each time I get out of my room, he'll run to his door and see if I'm alright. I didn't want to speak to him very much too.

When he heard the flat door open this evening, he knew I was back. And hurriedly open the door with a big smile and said "I've got a surprise for u." I didn't actually intend to speak to him, but I didn't want to disappoint him either by showing like it didn't mean anything to me. I love surprises, and I wouldn't hide the fact that I love and enjoy having it.

"Guess what I bought? Not something expensive since I'm broke at the moment, but it's something u like and I've always wanted to get it for u."

And he must have seen my doubtful look of this kind gesture of his...

"I didn't buy it just to cheer u up because of what happened between us."

I didn't get my guess right, and he handed me this black plastic bag. In it are 2 bracelets which are absolutely gorgeous. They're the chunky types, and I did mention once that I love a particularly one as we were just walking around the streets. Fortunately, he didn't spend a fortune on them since he bargained till he got a cheap deal.

I guess he knew we have gotten back together when I'm starting to talk more, and not pushing him away when he tries to hug me. And the evening ended well with a steamboat dinner which I have been craving for.

Am still feeling very exhausted at the moment for some strange reason, but I couldn't get back to sleep after waking up to take my antibiotics (I'm having so much of it that now my pee smells of amoxicillin...). Maybe I should read a little and have a nap in the afternoon..or perhaps I might doze off after an hour of revision (I'm highly capable to that *winks*).

Hope everything will start going back on track from today.

Wisdom teeth extraction Part 3

Decided that I shall tolerate with the pain no longer, I made an emergency appointment with my own dentist rather than head down to the hospital since I'm sure they'll tell me I'm ok and send me home again.

Had to pay 12 pounds for it, but it's worth the money buying an assurance from another dentist since I've lost total confidence in those of the dental hospital.

Apparently, today, I'm diagnosed with a dry socket, explaining why I'm still in agony and relying on the maximum dose of paracetamol everyday.

Dry socket's a common complication, whereby the bone is infected. And the pain u get from it drives u insane (tell me all abt it..)

My dentist had to irrigate the wound and that is traumatic experience number 2. It was so painful, I cried while he was doing it. I'm not a weakling when pain's concerned, so u can well imagine the intensity. He also put this kinda yucky medicated packing into the area which has an antibacterial effect, and gave me another week's supply of antibiotics. He assured me that it will get better in about a week. I felt so much better seeing him, and even though I'm still in agony, at least I know I've done the right thing going to see him. And the bonus is, he said "Sorry" as he was hurting me with the irrigation. That word made such a huge difference. I didn't mind being hurt because he was trying really hard to be gentle (he actually said "I see you've got a nasty slit at the angle of your mouth. I shan't try to hurt u too much by forcing it open alright?") and I know he's got a job to do. But it made me feel much better knowing that someone took notice of my big ulcer and that slit wound and could well understand how tormented I feel at the moment.

Decided to self-medicate by taking stronger painkillers and see if it helps me better. Hopefully, I'll be alright again after a few days (manz...can't imagine more days of improper food).

And I'll really give the dentist in the hospital a piece of my mind when I see him for my follow up.

Need to Focus

I am so angry with myself, and I need to vent it out.

There is so much which I have to do, and I can't get them done simply because I can't concentrate. I feel very cooped up, but neither do I want to go out or watch shows etc. And that farking pain in my mouth doesn't help one tiny bit!!!!

I'm seriously trying to force myself to sit down and do some studying, but nothing goes in, or doesn't stay in there for long. I forget what I've read in just 5 minutes.

Just exactly what is wrong with me??!?!?!?

I need a cool clear head now...argh..!

Wisdom teeth extraction part 2

Ok, I'm still suffering and needing lots of TLC..and am glad to be having it from my bf. But I don't mind having more...hehe.

I woke up with my pillow case soaked in blood on Friday. It wasn't the blood that made me wake up, but I suddenly got "choked" by what I thought was a piece of "flesh". And that BIG patch of blood scared the wits out of me. I wouldn't expect myself to be bleeding for like 24 hours postop...it just didn't look right.

Called up the hospital, and was told to go down immediately. And my goodness, it was the same surgeon who attended to me. The corner of my mouth is so extremely tender that the last thing I ever wanted is for him to rip my mouth apart again.

Apparently, it was a massive clot due to some dunno what he put in there, and said the bleeding was because I have messed with the clot. That didn't sound very nice, because I wouldn't have done so since I was sleeping and there was no way I would be knowing what I did whilst asleep and also, why on earth would I go aggrevate a bleeding wound...

I wasn't too concerned since I just wanted to get it over and done with. He just suctioned the clot out, and got his senior to come and view me. I was mentioning about the bleeding and what they did to my lip which is hurting a lot, AND there wasn't even a "sorry". That made my bf really upset. And that wound at the corner of my lip isn't very minor, mind you.

Went to Boots to get Vaseline, which the surgeon said I can use to apply on the corner of my mouth. BUT because I'm having a doubt about their expertise now, I decided to seek advice from the pharmacist instead, and that guy said my wound looks nasty enough to be seeing a doctor and getting it stitched. Knowing how fucked up the NHS is here, I know by the time I get to see my GP, my wound would have probably healed 80%, so I decided to self-medicate. It's still very very painful at the moment with a lot of scabbing, but I'm sure it'll get better.

My internal wound is still sore, and I'm still relying heavily on painkillers, which aren't doing much help, yet I'm too lazy to go get stronger ones. Face is puffy too, but it is slightly better than yesterday. I made some advancement in my meals though. I only had strands of noodles (my bf tempted me when he was slurping the Mee Goreng) yesterday, but I managed to have a big bowl of kway teow soup today, despite taking 2 hours to finish it (I felt extremely irritated at some point since I'm a kinda impatient person). I was really touched when my darling took the effort to cut up all the ingredients into small dices so that I don't have to chew on them much. He also made "chawan mushi" for my supper when I got a bit hungry earlier on.

I can't express how touched I am, with the amount of love he's showering me with just when I need it most. He went online to search for recipes that will help in replenishing blood since I have been feeling pretty weak and giddy ever since Thursday. He made sure I get as much rest as possible, and offer his entire bed to me at the expense of his sleep. He made delicious food for me. He applied Vaseline on my wound etc etc etc. I feel like a baby princess! It just feels so good to be ill if I didn't have outstanding things like studying to do.

Was hoping to get some work done during the weekend, but just simply couldn't do anything cos I'm so extremely exhausted and that constant pain in my mouth and ears are bothering me to quite an extent.

Hope I'll get back to my usuals soon. :)

Wisdom tEEth extraction

I have been waiting for this for like...4 months. Despite the pain, it makes me pleased to know how much I have saved my parents money. The last time I had it done privately was like...$800 after discount in Singapore.

Took the opportunity to get it done here this time, since it's free :P

But I must admit good things come with a price, so apart from the pain, the surgeon's skill makes the huge difference.

I shall not grumble and say the surgeon in the hospital has crap skills, cos afterall, he is so much younger than Dad's friend, and therefore, less experienced.

Darling was traumatised when he watched me sit there for 90 mins. He said he felt really heartache for me as he watched how rough the surgeon was on me. And yes, the surgeon was so rough that I actually split the left side of my mouth (ouch!) and it's kinda red and swollen at the moment. Hurts when I try to open my mouth and touch it as well. I felt pretty embarrassed walking around with my darling after surgery cos it looked as if he had battered me last night, with my cheek swelling on one side, and a split mouth.

Was shrieking in pain when he woke me up from my rest, cos the LA had worn off, and my oh my, was it painful!!!!!!! It hurt so much that I couldn't keep still, and even started crying. I'm normally a person who can tolerate pain well, but this one was over the top. Paracetamol didn't help either, but anyway, I managed to sleep it off..and now it feels less painful.

The last time I had both wisdom teeth taken out on the other side in Singapore, my face didn't swell, and I didn't split my mouth..and most importantly, I only took paracetamol ONCE to curb a slight pain. Had totally no problems, but this time round is kinda like the complete opposite...sigh.

But nvm! I shall endure for being able to save few hundred pounds! JIA YOU!

(Maybe oggling at some handsome guys on youtube will do me some good *blush*)

What would you do?

It's weird how medics ARE medics when we all have a 2nd ambition which is totally unrelated to medicine.

Fair enough if you're a medic now who used to be dentist and realise that having looked at teeth for 10 years just turn you off. Fair enough if you are some research scientist researching on how insects mate, and realise you should divert your attentions to humans, and go into medicine.

But what logic does it make when you ask around "What would you do if u're not a medic?" and you get random answers like...."I wanna be an artist.", "I'll be an actress", "I wanna be a taitai", and the funniest of the lot "I wanna be a house husband"?

Sounds odd? That's us! Medics!

Was having a conversation in the car with a friend and she was telling me how much she wants to marry a RICH husband and quit doing Medicine for good...hahaha. Then she'll spend her entire life shopping for hours in this gigantic boutique given to her as a gift from her rich husband without having to spend a single cent, dress herself up all day long, go to salons, spas, mani- and pedicures, drinking coffee in cafes etc.

You may ask "Won't you get bored doing all these after 15 mths?"

Apparently, she did think about this, and felt that she's a person who's extremely comfortable doing nothing...hahaha. And hence, doesn't think she'll regret if she marries a rich husband. In fact, she was analysing the hours of the day, telling me how she'll spend the day shopping blah blah blah, and then before she knows it, it'll be about 4pm when it's time to pick up her kiddies.

I still think she's gonna be bored, but she reckons she won't and said she'll do charity to kill time...haha.

What would you do if u are not doing what u're currently doing?

For me, I'll definitely be a professional ballerina.