Usual cursing

I was extremely frustrated yesterday when I woke up at 5pm feeling tired, and hating myself for not getting up earlier. I was pissed off that I didn't get to go shopping for some retail therapy simply because I can't bear to leave my books (when I actually hate them!).

I studied tooooo much this week, and I guess it kinda went overboard and made my mood really bad. Dearie couldn't believe how much work I did this week, and he said he felt really guilty watching the crazy speed of my revision.

In ONE week, I covered all of Cardiology, Respiratory, Gastroenterology (even the surgical side!) and Endocrinology (except thyroid). I know I'm made, but I just hate feeling stupid whenever I can't answer questions which my coursemates can. Plus, I know I'm a slow learner..and just to par with others, I have to work even harder.

Dearie doesn't like the idea of me saying I'm slow, because he doesn't think so, and I know I sound like some low morale idiot by saying how stupid and slow I am, but that's a fact. It always has been.

I whined a lot yesterday, losing my temper and grumbling abt why I'm in this shithole when my friends are having a much better quality of life without doing Medicine. I cursed at my freaking long 6 years here and with 2 more to end my misery in this depressing place. I cursed at having no friends, I cursed at not being able to find a solution to calm myself down, I cursed at basically everything I have always complained about.

"Hold on for a few more months. U've come a long way to reach here today...a few more months and it's over." said Dearie as I was crying hard in his arms. I know he was trying to calm me down, but actually, all I needed was his hugs and letting me cry my heart out. I just needed to release.

Watched an episode of HK drama with him, and something the actor said in the show made me feel better - "No one said being human is easy. Life is full of hurdles and misfortunes, and that's what makes life interesting".

It's not easy to find someone who can say things to calm me down. And Dearie can't either. It's not his fault since I know these things are in-born. It's somewhat disappointing though, cos I have always wanted someone who can say something simple that sends a message right through whenever I feel really lousy abt myself. I have yet to meet someone like that, and perhaps it's a good thing that I don't too...because I'm sure I'll fall for such a person.

Anyway, here I am back on my study desk revising again before I go to the hospital later. Woken up from a dream of me being in A&E takng histories from patients...grrrr..

Rheumatology is next on the revision list...