I'm thankful for those who remembered my bday. Thanks for all the lovely smses, especially from my BV peeps.

You guys are wonderful, and definitely friends whom I'll treasure always. *hugzzzz*

Thanks to Lemon who made me laugh with her MSN nick. Yes girl, "chu nu xin jing"....a memory I'll hold dearly.

Thanks to Kelvin who wished me a big happy bday at the dot of midnight. I bet he must be damn ego being the first...*lol*

And of course...a big thanks to my boy who accompanied me for many hrs, and waking up several times in the middle of the night to go online to make sure I'm fine. Apparently, something EXTREMELY unpleasant happened which made me very very angry and very disappointed. But I'm glad that my boy was ard and showed me lots of concern, and said that we'll have a good bday celebration for me when I go back to UK to make up for the ruined one this year.

The rest.........enough said.

***If u don't like what u're reading, do yourself and me a favour by NOT reading my blog and invading my privacy***

"Why are u so pek chek today?" Mum said as I was grumbling in her room downstairs.

I know I shouldn't have, but I simply detest going out on public holidays, especially on days like Xmas! I feel like a complete spoil sport when I should be dining out happily with my family today, when I should be counting down to Xmas and opening presents under our house's Xmas tree...things I would do every year with them...yet, I'm not doing any of those this year. I refused to go shopping with them when they wanted me to go choose my prezzies, I slept from 7+pm till this morning and refuse to wake up because I'm simply not interested in going out and also missing the "present opening" session, and I also refused to go out for dinner today.

And to be frank, I'm even sianz abt the thought of having to open my xmas and bday prezzies later and sianz abt my bday dinner tmr. I don't feel excited at all and I feel that I'm just doing these things because it's a yearly thing, and not because of anything else.

I have mentioned this before. I don't feel like part of the family anymore, and I'm so sick of this thought that I don't even wanna try to do anything abt it already.

Why is it so difficult to just have a dinner for 4 JUST ONE MISERABLE TIME A YEAR?! Why do we always have 5 now?!

I don't dislike my bro's gf, but there are just times when I want to be with my family..ONLY my family...just Dad, Mum and my bro. It's not her fault since it's my brother who always wants her in the house. I can only be angry for the fact that he will die without her presence *rolls eyes* (can't fucking stand guys who r like leeches!!!!!) But then again, why is she always in my house? I'm not saying I don't welcome her, but doesn't she have a home?

Went into a quarrel with my family over her. My family was saying that she cries at times when she dines with my family, and when she sees how much my parents dote on my bro by buying him very expensive gifts. They feel that she's pitiful because she isn't given these by her family. I was the only one having no comments and staying silent throughout, while the 3 of them were going on and on abt how pitiful she is. And just because I said something that wasn't pleasing to their ears, I got told off for not understanding other's plight.

It's not that I do not understand or do not feel anything. I just think there are many out there who are in worser situations, and hence, hers isn't anything compared to theirs...so....I didn't get emotional enough to join their "oh so pitiful" talks.

My parents think I am void of feelings, I'm sure. But the truth is I have heard and seen with my very eyes more than this.

My cousin is pitiful without my uncle. My bro's gf is pitiful because her family doesn't give her much attention and parental love.

What about me?!

Who would ever feel for me if I said I feel lonely even though I have both my parents alive, and that I'm given anything I ask for?!?!?!?! WHO?!?!?!?

Just because of my independent character, and ability to fend for myself, means I'm not supposed to be lonely?! Just because I don't say out how I feel abt these things, means I am feeling ok abt it all?!

I'm like any other child, who needs attention too. Just like how my bro's gf craves for a proper dinner with her family, I, too, also crave for one. I rarely ever get a chance now and even if I do, the whole dinner will be ruined by some quarrel.

If my parents claim to know me better than anyone else, how come they do not know or don't bother knowing how I feel? If they paid attention to me, how come they only realise how little I'm wearing during winter after my bf told my brother that I'm always freezing in the cold, when I've been in UK for bloody 5 years already?

I cannot believe that it's the 25th now. Xmas. And I'll be 24 tmr....

I just woke up and had slept past dinner and of course, midnight. I wasn't in the mood to be counting down, and to be opening presents under the xmas tree in my house. Something is missing.

Maybe because he's not here. Maybe it's because it's my "last xmas" here. I don't know.

I felt bored the entire day when I really wanted to be happy. Felt so much better when he suddenly came online. And just when I was feeling really bored, he said, "Guess what I've got you? I bought it just now."

I got excited and smiled. I love surprises. I started guessing and guessing, but got them all wrong.

It was Sims 2!!! He said I've mentioned that I wanna buy it to try, because Lemon told me how fun it was...and also, he was kinda sianz of watching me play Neopets.

I was touched. It's his 2nd surprise to me this time. The 1st was a box of Ferrero Rocher, which I accidentally saw while he was trying to hide it away from me. He bought it when I commented that I have a sudden craving for chocolates.

I am happy that my rship is starting to go on the right track again, and it is slowly making me regain my confidence, which is what I need.

Great meet up with Vic, Hocksoon and a new found friend, Sine. It came as a surprise while shopping with my parents @ Orchard.

"Hey, wanna come out? Basically, HS and I are out with a friend, and he's leaving already. And we thought u might wanna save us from being mistaken for as gays on the road." said Vic. *lol*

Indeed, I went to their "rescue". And it was chatting for hrs non stop. It was fun suanning each other, and to listen to Sine's wonderful stories abt his teaching careers and his ways of tackling problems of today's secondary school kids (teens is probably the preferred term for these adult-wannabes).

Sine was so kind to take pics of us. Can't wait to receive them from Vic. Will probably be meeting the 3 of them and some others in the next few days for another chill out session. More talk cork sessions. Can't wait!!! =D I just love these people *HUGZ*

Hee...sometimes..I just need others to pull me out of the house :X

Reading a friend's bulletin post in Friendster gave me many thoughts. It was indeed a crucial situation during her night 0n-call, having to handle a critically ill patient coming in in the middle of the night and death was just a few steps away. She had managed this patient well.

I started putting myself in her shoes. In 6 months, I'll be graduating if things go well..and I'll be a full-fledged doctor. I am excited about it since I've been waiting a long time for this day to come, but at the same time, the pressure increases because in half a year's time, I'll be given a whole new load of responsibilities. It is a life I'll be responsible for, and I will have to handle the patient before any of my team does. Mistakes should not be tolerated anymore, unlike when you're a student..and no longer can you claim that u're not confident for the fact that u're still a student.

I couldn't help but question myself if that will be me months from now. I have been handling the patients sent in straight from A&E for quite some time now, taking their history, examining them fully and doing all their investigations and making sure that I have a list of possible diagnoses before bleeping the seniors for review, and will be undergoing more training and refinement before graduation, but I am still worried I'll not be able to live up to the title.

What my friends and I have gone through showed how much we have grown through medical school. Those were the days when we still didn't know anything, when we had no idea what question to ask next when the patient said she's got chest pain, when we all go blank when the doctors say "What should you do next if u suspect a case of severe acute asthma", when we see our hands shiver during blood-taking, when we go "the heart beat sounds....erm...abnormal?" and avoiding further questions from Consultants that will kill us in the wards, etc etc. And now, even at final year, you're supposed to be giving a list within seconds for a symptom and rule things out with investigations. We find ourselves still having lots of "I don't know"s, but lesser and lesser as the days go.

My friend was mentioning about this Senior Registrar of her team who was so very firm and calm in her decision even though everyone else from the other teams, nurses, anaesthetists etc were blaming her for managing the patient badly. How can she remain so firm and calm after being told off by more seniors about her bad management? Why was she so dead firm that she's right when there are so many more people, junior and senior, who were against her diagnosis?

I know that one day, I'll be put in such a situation too. Of course, I would be praying for an entire smooth journey up the medical hierachy, but these things are bound to happen.

Is a doctor's calmness and firmness in decisions a sign of overconfidence, or a development through experience?

I feel terribly young at the moment because I cannot see how I'll be that way in the many years to come, yet it is a MUST since there are so many people under your lead and that they have to do your bidding, and you are the person holding the power of determining if this patient lives or dies. I didn't even foresee myself going "CXR, ABG, ECG, bloods done. Awaiting results now. I'll start off by administering blah blah blah..." when I was in first yr or even 3rd year...and now I can't even foresee myself telling juniors to do what I say because I am senior and hence, supposed to be right. Yet, that is how I should be next time.

I have seen all these coming before I entered medical school, but as you sink deeper and deeper into this deep sea, you fear more, you struggle more to live, you feel it more.

The trip to the temple yesterday made me really happy. It was my first time there, and oh my, was it huge.

But that's not the point.

I had my fortune told by this elderly lady as I was amazed upon seeing one there, and was curious about how mine was like when I saw someone consulting her.

Dad told me to have a go if I wanted to. I was excited, and at the same time, fearful that she might say something bad which might probably haunt me for the next few months/years.

Her first sentence shocked me when she looked at my palms.

"You're a female with a male's character."

I was dumbfounded. How did she know? I never thought I had a male's character even though my family and even bf, exs etc. told me so before.

I began more curious about what she had to say about my life.

She went on with NO QUESTIONS ASKED. It was unlike other quacks who ask loads of leading questions.

She mentioned many more things about my character, and it was very accurate. Even Dad got more and more curious. She also mentioned about my studies and career in future.

And the most exciting part came when she talked about my love life.

"Ni de yin yuan yi jing dao le"

I was again, shocked.

She went on to tell me about the past opportunities which I have missed and even described how the guys looked like briefly. She told me many things about this "yin yuan" which I have already met like his skin colour, his size, his character, and how he treats his friends, etc. She also told me that this guy is good and he loves me very much.

Mum told me once that "The One comes into your life in the most unexpected way", and yes, I have met him in the most unexpected way.

And surprisingly, more than a year ago, I was briefly reading a magazine's "fortune telling" for my horoscope, and it said I'll meet someone on "this particular day". I remember laughing it off with friends and was telling them how impossible it'll be and that *sarcastically* I'll be waiting to see if it's true. To my surprise, I did meet someone that day.

With all these, and if what the lady and Mum said is true....and if my guessing is right..could HE be The One?

Am back in Singapore for my xmas break, when the original plan was to stay in UK this year to be with my boy. I didn't want to leave him behind this year, but he thought it's better if I go home to see a doctor because of my blurring vision. Checked the prices over at UK should I need a new pair of contact lenses, and it was at a cut-throat price of about 400 pounds per pair!

My heart ache as my coach departed for the airport while he was there chasing the coach just to say more good-byes to me. I felt like as if I had abandoned him all alone in that boring place.

My flight back home was scary. Was on board SIA, and the bad weather made landing difficult. There was lightning and pretty bad turbulence when it was close to landing. The plane was rocking badly and there was even a point where it had "dropped", resulting in screams across the plane. I was scared, very scared, especially when I've never been a fan of rollercoasters and what have you at the theme parks. I was grabbing real tightly to the seats.

There was no way the pilots could land, so halfway during landing, they took off into the sky again. And it was more turbulence and shaking. I thought this might be the end of me, and my mind filled with thoughts. I was worried something might happen and I won't ever see my boy and my family again. I wanted to tell him I love him if something should happen. Also, I thought I'm too young to die. There are many things I want to do, like graduating, having my own students, spend the rest of my life with my boy, give him a proper fixed home to return to every night, bear him kids etc etc. Too many. I haven't done any of those yet, and I can't leave. I said my prayers again and again in the plane.

The pilots decided to head to Batam to wait for the weather to get better. It was a few hours' wait there, and even though the weather wasn't the most ideal to land, I was glad that despite the vigorous shaking again during the 2nd round, the plane managed to land in Changi Airport.

Went to Mount E the next day to see an eye specialist since my parents are worried that it might be more than a failing vision. I was told before that I've got weak right eye muscles by 2 optometrists and was told that that meant "lazy eye". I was shocked when I heard it because I don't look one bit like having a lazy eye, and if I did have it, why wasn't I diagnosed when I was at a very young age? It'll be too late to correct it now that I'm turning 24.

Did several tests for it, and was told that I do not have it....PHEW!!!! And my vision is pretty good....better than 6/6. The only thing is that my contact lenses are pretty old, and it's time to get it changed. The opthalmologist examined me using the slit lamp and I was told that I have Blepharitis as he could see dead skin cells on my cornea, and also, there's neovascularisation on my cornea, as a sign of hypoxia. The reason for my "failing vision" was probably due to mucus. Looks like I'll have to cut down my wear of contact lenses, and also time to get it changed. Got a bottle of antibiotic drops from him too.

I was so pleased to find myself being charged only 15 bucks. Th consultation fee was completely waived when he found out that I'm a medical student. The advantages..heheh. I had my consultation fee waived too the last time I saw a gynae at a private clinic in Thomson Medical :)

A great relief for me that it's nothing too serious. I remember losing my appetite in UK as I realise that my vision is failing quite badly. Quite amusing thinking back about what my boy said when I told him I'm going blind..."I'll be your pair of eyes if anything happens. But u'll be ok. Don't worry."

Sweet.

I love him very very much.

My Xmas Wishlist! =D

There are so many things I hope to have this year for my xmas-cum-bday prezzie. It's so unlike me huh?

So here is the wishlist (more might be added with time to come, perhaps...yikes..)

1. Louis Vuitton Epi Leather Compact Wallet (contemplating between the Red and Mandarin..which do u think looks better?)

2. Loewe Coquette Black Bright Coated Canvas and Patent Leather Handbag (such a waste that I can't put the photo up...)

3. Sony z610i

I prefer the blue one. But I'm not keen to sign up with Orange network, so I guess I'll just have to settle with my 2nd choice (the pink!). Will be able to get this phone for free...hehehee. How cool's that?! Heard that it's a magnet for fingerprints..but oh well. Would very much love to have the Nokia 8800 Sirocco Black, but can't afford it. CG said it can be my bday prezzie from him if I want, but I thought hps don't last anyway, so it isn't worth it.

4. Nice handphone pouch/bag for my Sony z610i (I'm super chor lor..so I'll need one to protect the hp. I don't wanna take it out from my bag realising it's filled with scratches)

5. Sponsers for my very much desired weekend revision course for my Final Medical Exam in UK (Anyone? Slight contributions are welcome, at least it'll help me save some pounds. I need about 100 pounds for the weekend course.)

6. Versace wallets and bags (I love this brand to the core. Love too many of their bags till I can't die die bang on one particular one)

7. Coin pouch (for my excess coins since I don't wanna end up bursting my wallet)

8. Card holder (for excess cards)

*9. Pair of new spectacle lenses & new pair of permanent contact lenses

So..does anyone wanna buy me a prezzie? Or wanna contribute some $$$ to my "Michelle Xmas Fund"? Just drop me a msg...*lol*

*newly added items

He finally bought his Macbook Pro in London today, after finding out that it's not possible to claim any tax refund if he purchases it online and there isn't anything called a "brighter screen", but rather a choice of having a Matt or Glossy one. I'm happy that he managed to settle with his decision, and of course even more pleased that at least, we won't have to get into any argument over a lappie again. It's simply not worth it, and utterly ridiculous. And part of me knows that I was being "scolded" for nothing last week over this. Kinda upsets me when I think abt it, but I'll just close the chapter.

And I managed to buy a coat too! It was kinda random since we found it some ordinary store. I was planning to buy a really suitable one even if it's pretty costly, but since this one is good enough and very much cheaper than the branded ones, I'll just be pleased with my find. CG likes it as well, and we're thinking of changing the buttons to create a different look. But where am I going to find buttons? Hmm...

I have been thinking a lot these few days after he wanted a break up. Although we have patched and things are looking fine presently, I can't help thinking again abt my rship. I was extremely disappointed in the things he done that very day, and even though I have forgiven him for it, I cannot forget it. It is still fresh and clear in my mind.

I am worried and very scared. There is this unsaid fear within. I can't help but ask myself if this behaviour is what I'll have to see for the rest of my life if I ever end up with him. It's not the first thing he did this, and by right, any girl will leave him on the spot.

I chatted with Kor abt this, and he said he thinks somewhere in my heart, I know this rship isn't going to last toooo long after this incident. Is this true? I kept thinking abt it again and again. Did I, just not realise it? Kor kept saying "Follow your heart", but what if I don't even know what it is?

This evening during dinner...

CG: I think your friend's name is very nice. Maybe next time, we should call our son that name too.
Me: I don't think it's nice. I still prefer the one u chose last time. Chen Si what?
CG: Chen Si Yuan. Have you thought of other name options for him?
Me: No. I'm happy with this one. Besides, it's probably not even us who will choose it.
CG: Why?
Me: I'm sure parents will get involved.
CG: True. I will think of more names for him..
Me: What for? If we do have a son, that's still a very long time away..
CG: Then I won't have to crack my head during then.

I can see his excitement, but I found myself being less excited than before. The thought of "Will our rship lead to marriage?" struck me. I couldn't answer to myself if I think this rship is THE ONE now. I am very very very confused. He's quite insensitive too, so I doubt he sensed my confusion and probably thinks I'm perfect fine emotionally now that we've patched (when I'm not).

Maybe time will make things better. Maybe time will bring back the confidence I lost. Maybe time will show me that he has changed. Maybe time will heal my wound. I'm trying to be optimistic.

Kor said time might heal my wound, but I won't forget abt it. I guess what he said is true. I seriously don't think 10-20 years down the line, I'll forget.

I was given the advice to keep my options open now that this thing happened. I know tt's the smart way of doing it, but how open should it be? And is it actually right to keep it open when u're already committed?

There's so much which I do not understand.