"Why are u so pek chek today?" Mum said as I was grumbling in her room downstairs.

I know I shouldn't have, but I simply detest going out on public holidays, especially on days like Xmas! I feel like a complete spoil sport when I should be dining out happily with my family today, when I should be counting down to Xmas and opening presents under our house's Xmas tree...things I would do every year with them...yet, I'm not doing any of those this year. I refused to go shopping with them when they wanted me to go choose my prezzies, I slept from 7+pm till this morning and refuse to wake up because I'm simply not interested in going out and also missing the "present opening" session, and I also refused to go out for dinner today.

And to be frank, I'm even sianz abt the thought of having to open my xmas and bday prezzies later and sianz abt my bday dinner tmr. I don't feel excited at all and I feel that I'm just doing these things because it's a yearly thing, and not because of anything else.

I have mentioned this before. I don't feel like part of the family anymore, and I'm so sick of this thought that I don't even wanna try to do anything abt it already.

Why is it so difficult to just have a dinner for 4 JUST ONE MISERABLE TIME A YEAR?! Why do we always have 5 now?!

I don't dislike my bro's gf, but there are just times when I want to be with my family..ONLY my family...just Dad, Mum and my bro. It's not her fault since it's my brother who always wants her in the house. I can only be angry for the fact that he will die without her presence *rolls eyes* (can't fucking stand guys who r like leeches!!!!!) But then again, why is she always in my house? I'm not saying I don't welcome her, but doesn't she have a home?

Went into a quarrel with my family over her. My family was saying that she cries at times when she dines with my family, and when she sees how much my parents dote on my bro by buying him very expensive gifts. They feel that she's pitiful because she isn't given these by her family. I was the only one having no comments and staying silent throughout, while the 3 of them were going on and on abt how pitiful she is. And just because I said something that wasn't pleasing to their ears, I got told off for not understanding other's plight.

It's not that I do not understand or do not feel anything. I just think there are many out there who are in worser situations, and hence, hers isn't anything compared to theirs...so....I didn't get emotional enough to join their "oh so pitiful" talks.

My parents think I am void of feelings, I'm sure. But the truth is I have heard and seen with my very eyes more than this.

My cousin is pitiful without my uncle. My bro's gf is pitiful because her family doesn't give her much attention and parental love.

What about me?!

Who would ever feel for me if I said I feel lonely even though I have both my parents alive, and that I'm given anything I ask for?!?!?!?! WHO?!?!?!?

Just because of my independent character, and ability to fend for myself, means I'm not supposed to be lonely?! Just because I don't say out how I feel abt these things, means I am feeling ok abt it all?!

I'm like any other child, who needs attention too. Just like how my bro's gf craves for a proper dinner with her family, I, too, also crave for one. I rarely ever get a chance now and even if I do, the whole dinner will be ruined by some quarrel.

If my parents claim to know me better than anyone else, how come they do not know or don't bother knowing how I feel? If they paid attention to me, how come they only realise how little I'm wearing during winter after my bf told my brother that I'm always freezing in the cold, when I've been in UK for bloody 5 years already?