London Weekend

Spent a wonderful weekend with him.

It's our V day celebration, which unfortunately has been delayed for 2 weeks due to problems on my side. But we made it there, somehow. Phew..

It's his 1st time going to London, so naturally he was so excited about it that he couldn't go to bed the night before, while I was terribly exhausted and snoozing away...haha.

Headed off to London early on Saturday morning, and had quite an ok sleep on the coach. I was knackered having to wake up at 6.30 every morning, and only going to bed at late hours. I don't have to tell anyone I'm tired. It's so bad that it's spelt on my face.

My boy has been telling me that it hurts him to see me wake up each time the alarm clock goes off, and then dragging myself to the toilet, and go into a daze after I have changed and am having my cup of milo. A few days ago, I was so tired that I just slept and refused to wake up to have dinner. We were supposed to have some pub food for dinner, and my 5 mins' nap ended up being an hour. That made him really mad, and he kept waking me up and sounded super pissed. I was pissed as well, and did raise my voice at him. I completely ignored the fact that my boy will get gastric pains if he eats at irregular hours and I feel really wrong. But when I finally got up (still feeling very tired) and said "Why can't u just let me sleep? I only sleep about 4 hours everyday, and all I am asking is just for 1 hour's peaceful nap. Am I asking too much from u? And you know I won't reject going out for dinner, but the fact that I won't even get up for it and dozes off straight after just shows that I am really at my threshold.", he paused and apologised.

Back to the main topic.

Because it's my dunno which time in London, I felt a strong need to take care of my boy and bring him to the more popular places (which doesn't require entrance fees).

We went to see the changing of Guards at Buckingham Palace, where my boy definitely wasn't impressed with. He felt that the palace looks more like a Court. The same feeling I got when Dad 1st brought me to see it.

Then off we went to Bayswater for the famous Roasted Duck Rice at Four Seasons. Decided on a takeaway, since it was time to check into the hotel.

1st time staying in a 2 star one. Gosh, was it an experience. The room was small, with a queen size bed (but super comfy!). For London's standard of living, we shouldn't be complaining about the price and the more we shouldn't be complaining about the quality. But we both agree that our current accomodation in Cardiff is "hotel living" after comparing.

We just dozed off straight after lunch, and completely casted away our plan to go to Harrod's before more sightseeing (we wanted the night views).

Managed to get up in time to see the Tower of London, Tower Bridge, Big Ben, River Thames and the London Eye in the evening to take some photos. Tower Bridge's beautiful at night, and my boy was extremely excited over the Big Ben. It's what we call "Proper England".

Had Korean food for dinner. I miss a proper Korean barbecue, and was drooling over the thought of it, but it was so expensive, we ended up having soup, Bibimbap and Chicken Bulgogi.

Watched a little bit of TV before we went to bed.

Couldn't get up again the next morning. It's been a while since we had such a good sleep and the bed was just too comfortable. Decided to skip complimentary English bfast just to sleep more...lol.

Headed to LSE since my boy wanted to take a look at it. He was drastically disappointed, and felt that Cardiff University was still the best so far (at least it looks proper). My boy hasn't been impressed by any UK universities yet...lol...cos his university campus in China during his undergrad days was superb (except the accomodation). I saw photos of it, and I was darn impressed too! I haven't seen a university that looks that good yet, and what more...in China?!

Went for Duck Rice again at the same place. We can't have enough of it, can we?

Headed to the world-reknown Harrod's at Knightsbridge for shopping. And just in 2 minutes, we already spotted about 5 Ferraris and numerous big Mercedes Benz. My boy was drooling over the Ferraris, especially the red ones, each time he walked past one or see one speeding past.

I love Harrod's. But it's always going there that makes me feel both happy and crap. It's a place I can see proper things, things which attracts me, but what saddens me is I'm always watching people buy them, while I dare not even dream of taking my card to swipe. The stuffs I buy from there are just Harrod's brand, not any of the Dior, Versace, etc.

We admired the fine jewellery and the solitaire diamond rings. The salesman was hinting to him that he should buy one, but all we could do was just laugh and walk away after saying a polite "No, thank you.".

We kinda like this Lalique bracelet (which can also be a choker) which he was considering of buying for his cousin. I love that piece so much. But it was very costly, and because her gift wasn't priority, we decided to just keep it as an option.

He bought a D&G handbag for his Mum. Simple, but elegantly classy. I love that piece too. And it did shock me when he said "Please get me a new piece" after taking a few looks at it, because it costs 450 pounds! Ok, it's not a crazy price for that brand, but I thought he would at least consider it for a while.

Then we went hunting for his Dad's present. Bought his dad a nice top. Hopefully he'll like it. The sleeve was slightly dirty, so I went to demand for a discount. Managed to get 9 pounds off the original price, so he ended up paying 170 pounds. Not much of a discount, but it's enough to pay for his weekend London tube tickets...haha.

We went to look at our own stuffs after, and we fell in love with a white leather jacket. He was thinking about it the rest of the day, but the price was simply too steep. Imagine paying 800+ pounds for it! I was kinda glad he resisted his temptation, or else...he'll get a major shock when he checks his bank statement.

I adored so many clothes at the Ladies' Department. But I couldn't afford any of them. Or rather, I wasn't willing to part with my money to buy them. I felt terrible being only able to admire and dream about being able to wear them, and felt even worse when I saw this Chinese girl around my age, all dolled up and shopping with her Mum (who wears branded clothes from top to toe), trying on a coat I love.

I started becoming pretty sensitive for the rest of the day, especially in the streets. I realise how plain I am, compared to the Oriental girls studying in London. They all had make up on, dress fashionably, while I was looking like a complete plain student (and carrying a backpack). I felt like shit walking next to my boy. And whenever I look at him holding my hand, I feel horrible. I really really do.

My boy likes girls who dolls up, not too much though. He told me that he was shocked at how plain I can be, since his friends are always dolling up, and that he thought no one could be plainer than his cousin who puts on make up so light, it's as good as not putting any. He thought I don't doll up because I'm not interested. But the truth is I am, and I want to, but having such chronic lack of sleep that it's already getting at me, I can't imagine waking up 30 mins or more earlier just to look good. I do wish I am dressed up nicely whenever I go out with him too. It doesn't feel nice feeling that I look shitty next to him.

He knows that I am feeling bad, but I don't think he knows the extent of it. He tried consoling me and telling me that make up is bad for my skin, but I'm sure if I were to dress up, he would be most glad. If not, he wouldn't tell me to wear something nice and to put on make up when I go and have dinner with his parents when I go to Beijing, or say he'll bring me shopping to get me really pretty clothes when I'm there.

Sheesh, I've spent too much time typing this entry. Better stop here now. That's kinda my long waited wonderful weekend. Finally, we got to take photos together and move around UK.

Jealousy

Don't ask me why I feel jealous quite easily.

2 days ago, we had a quarrel because of something I said to spite him, simply because I feel pathetic for having to request for a real proper date. Like other girls, I just want to have something really very memorable in my relationship, but perhaps I asked for too much, for all he wants is just a quiet, stable relationship with me, rather than these little perks once in a while.

We had our argument, and he told me that I have not been romantic too. And that, I admit. I have done quite a number of things for guys I used to go out with, but I have not really done anything for him. I felt guilty, I felt lousy. And I ran away after he mentioned his pri sch classmate, a girl who loved him all the way till recently. I don't hate her, but I do feel threatened. I don't feel that I am lousier than her in any way, except that I'm short, but the ultimate thing she has got which I don't is her nationality being Chinese. I don't despise my nationality, but I cannot deny this fact that it's bothering me, and it threatens my feelings I place on my relationship. She has done many things for him, which he deemed as romantic, despite him never liking her before. I am jealous, but I don't wish to show that I am. Having been close for so many years, they should share a very close relationship with each other, and I don't want to be selfish to pull them away from each other. Yet I cannot help but feel terrible.

I want to do something special for him, but I don't know why I haven't. Is it a way of self protection which I just didn't realise? Or is it because I'm too occupied with thoughts about school? Or is it because I see him so often that there isn't really much time to seriously think of something special to do and spring on him?

And this afternoon when he was reading his msn messages which he didn't see last night, I was around. He doesn't mind me looking at him chatting with his buddies, so there I am sitting there and reading the long message a very good girl pal of his left.

I have chatted with this girl before, and my boy adores her very much. He used to tell me that she's a very cute and nice girl, and she's so good that he won't mind introducing and match make his best friend with her. I was slightly jealous when he told me that last time, but I didn't show it. She was the same girl he chatted with the last time when I was waiting in his room for him to finish his assignment so that he can go and eat ice cream with me, but he got so occupied with it until he kinda forgot all about it.

This girl has gone to Australia to study now, and my boy was initially trying to persuade to come to UK. Now that she has just got there, I guess she feels home sick and lost being alone (where the hell is her bf?!?!?!). So she got connected and tried to email my boy, but because the email couldn't get through, she had to msg him on msn. The msges sounded pretty urgent, and I know she needs him badly, telling him that she will always brighten up after talking to him no matter how low she feels. And she even told him that she misses him, has got lots of things to tell him and asked him if he can call her.

I went into a blank state. I wasn't angry. I just don't know what I'm feeling.

I didn't know what to say or how to react when he suddenly came over to hold my hand and asked if I'm alright. I know what he's thinking, and indeed, he has tried to explain himself, which I appreciate.

"You can be jealous of any girl around me, but she's the last girl u have to ever be jealous of, ok?"

That was supposed to make me feel better, but unfortunately, I don't. It made me feel worse instead. He was telling me that I should understand how she's feeling that I am studying abroad, and how it feels being alone in a foreign land, etc. And it did hurt a little when he said that I probably don't since I had Dad with me when I first came to UK.

Why did he have to get so defensive over her?

I tried to accept what has happened. And repeatedly told myself to be understanding and stop feeling jealous (even when I know it's a natural human response). I can't believe that I actually told him to email her and call her, telling him that she needs him most at this time. The feeling suxs immensely as I was telling him to do that. Why? Because I'm freaking scared. I'm scared that what happened last year during this time would happen to me again.

1st day at Paediatrics

I wasn't looking forward towards this placement initially for 2 reasons:
1. I dread naughty kids and those who cry endlessly over practically EVERYTHING.
2. Down with a flu

But I'm feeling so so so much better today after sweating out and with the tender loving care given to me by my boy. He's really sweet by cooking dinner again for me last night and accompanying me to sleep just because I couldn't get to bed. Still having the dreadful cough though, and my throat is still slightly sore in the mornings.

Thinking abt it, it's such a waste that I gotta cancel the London trip this weekend, but oh well, might be a good thing too, since I have a lot of reading to do this weekend. If I manage to get quite a substantial amt done, then at least I can go to London and have some fun next weekend without having to worry tooooo much.

Anyway, back to the main topic.

It was my 1st day in Paediatrics. The children's unit looks quite nice in the hospital..at least it isn't old and dark.

I started off the day by visiting the Special Baby Care Unit (SCBU) and the first thing I saw was a 29 week baby (normal term babies are borned between 37-42 weeks)! Yeah, very premature..hehehe. She's TINY!!!!!!!!! She's probably around 20cm. The moment I saw her, it brightened my entire morning up, and I was so tempted to go cuddle her, but unfortunately, she's warmly kept in an incubator because preterm babies lose heat very easily, and that can cause serious problems. She was active, made those lovely baby noises, was feeding happily via a tube through her nose, and opened her cute eyes at certain times to take peeks. I was waving and smiling happily at her even though I know she can't see me or hear me calling her. Upon seeing her, I wanted so much to have a baby of my own.

I went to see 3 more babies in the same unit. All were term babies. 2 of them were twins! How cool is that?! And I simply love the name of one of the twins. Her name's Ffion. It's such a beautiful name. Hmm...shall I name my daughter that if I have one in future? Heee.... This time, I could touch them. They were so soundly asleep, and it feels wonderful stroking their face and touching them. I love the smell they got too...hahaha.

Went on a ward round in the main children's ward. Saw this little 9 month old with bronchiolitis. This little girl is very pretty to me. She's not growing very well, and the doctors are pretty concerned about this. However, she does look like a super happy and lively child to me. Her eyes are beautiful, and when she smiles at you, you simply go weak on your knees.

Then I saw more little kiddies, mostly with respiratory problems. For the 1st time, I listened to the lungs of a little kid too, using a paediatric stethoscope. It's amazing because I can actually hear heart sounds even when I'm listening to her chest from her back. Their heart rate is terribly fast too.

There was a boy who is extremely tall for his age. He looked like a 4-5 year old, when he's only 2. And his weight is way off his age and height. He's more than 200% overweight!

There's also another little girl with scoliosis and eczema, who was fostered out because the doctors suspected neglect when they 1st met her quite some time back. She was so much younger then. And now, she's growing up into a lovely child with very lovely parents. They adore her so much, and it's really nice to see such a happy family together in the ward.

Had some teaching with the SHOs too. Gosh, realised that there is so much that I have to learn for this placement. Eeekkksss... The team's quite alright. At least they do smile at me, even though they don't talk to me. But one SHO is pretty friendly, so I don't feel that bad. My placement coursemates are ok too, except for Teddy Bear. They talk among themselves, and yes, I do feel out of place, but at least it's better than how I felt about my last 2 placements whereby my coursemates either ignore me or just give me the look or if I'm really unlucky, having people being nasty to me for no apparent reason.

Haven't been to the post delivery wards yet. Shall try to go there soon to see the baby checks and enjoy seeing mums cuddling their newborns.

Argh...sudden urge to wanna be a mum...lol...but shit manz...darn painful leh...ouch....

Must tell my boy what I saw today. I wonder what's his reaction since he loves kiddies...heheheehe...(hahah..a few days ago..he was still fantasizing about being Daddy)

Valentine's day

I spent my Valentine's Day with someone different this year. And I do hope it will be with the same person in the many years to come.

However, V day this year is pretty miserable for me. I have fallen ill. The dreaded cold is here, and I have been feeling lethargic and feverish for like 3 days already.

CG is officially broke now, so that explains why we had to have dinner at home. He cooked simple dishes for us, and it was great for me since I would probably skip my meal being too tired to cook.

Actually, I was quite excited about V day, but it's weird how my excitement died off when it was approaching. We had no plans COMPLETELY, which was odd. Afterall, it's our 1st V day together (and who knows how many we got left or get to celebrate tgt in the same place). Most importantly, it is his 1st time celebrating it with a gf, and I thought maybe it will mean a lot to him. But when I somehow sensed that this wasn't a very exciting or significant day to him, it probably contributed to my excitement dying off.

Watching how others were flooding into card shops, supermarkets and florists to buy something for their gf/bf, I felt sorry for my own because I didn't plan anything at all. I wanted to make it extremely special and memorable for my boy, but I don't know why I didn't come up with anything. I was worried he'll be disappointed, so I went to get him a card and bought him a top.

He was really happy to see it. Am very glad that he loves the top I got. I was worried he would not like it, or say something not-very-nice without realising it. He looks good in it, and I do wish to see him wear it when the weather has turned warmer.

My boy bought me a rose. It did come as a surprise since I really thought he wouldn't bother. It's now placed nicely near my window in a vodka bottle. The rose is really pretty. It bloomed so well.

I slept straight after dinner without talking much. Feeling hot and cold is terrible. Am grateful to him for taking care of me despite himself not being in the best condition (he's also ill...).

It's pissing to be ill this week since I'll be off to the wards in a hospital which is kinda inaccessible, hence resulting in me having to be up VERY early every morning. And I have to cancel my trip to London with him as well! ARGH! We've waited for this for ages, and this had to happen...grrrr. Will wait for the next weekend I suppose...sigh.

Wednesday

The day before the OSCE. I didn't know if I was worried or not. On one hand, I guess I was, on the other, I didn't think so. Anyway, am glad my boy accompanied me while I revised the entire week. And it was funny seeing his reaction when I requested to borrow his body for my revision. Hahaha..that silly boy was so worried and didn't know what I wanted to do with him. He thought I wanted to practise my needling skills on him, and initially rejected it. But when he knew it was only a check up I would do, he was MORE THAN WILLING to do it...hahahaha.

CG: When are u going to examine me?
Me: Aiyo..you've been asking me this question numerous times today. Are you too excited over it? Hahahaha...
CG: The doctors always make their patients fast for a few hours before they do checks on them, so I wanted to know. I thought maybe I have to fast so that you can check on me later. I want to be prepared for you.
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA.....

How innocent was that?!?!?!?!?! I was laughing my lungs out.

So before I went to bed, he gladly kept his books away and happily sat there for me to examine. It was WEIRD to examine your own bf. And because I was so conscious of the way he looks at me, I couldn't do it initially.

We managed to get back to serious mode and I carried out my heart and lung examinations thoroughly on him. I forgot minor steps at some point, and he made me repeat the whole thing again and again. It was repeated till perfection. And he even helped to time me!

My boy was impressed with the way I carried out my examinations. He said I looked like a real doctor when I was doing my "job" seriously, and that did give me some encouragement.

I got slightly worried as I was laying in my bed. Kept having the steps recalling in my head endlessly, and I dread that.

Me: I'm worried.
CG: Don't. You did well on me just now. Just go in and do the same.
Me: I think I'm normal to feeling worried. What did your Mum tell u last time when you are worried about exams? (CG's mum's words can really give u hope and calm u down in some ways)
CG: Many many things. She told me exams are what students have to go through and it's only a minor part of one's life. It's so minor that it's almost insignificant when u view it with everything that goes on in your life when u grow old. She also told me that exams are paper tigers. They scare you because they look like tigers, but if you are courageous enough to go nearer and take a closer look, you'll realise it's only made of paper.
Me: I like your mum. Her words make me feel better.
CG: Do you want to hear a story?
Me: Ok..
CG: *goes on to tells me a part of The Romance of Three Kingdoms* You are just like him. You have got all your preparations ready. You just need the wind. The Gods can't give that to you, because you're the only one who has the ability to. So just create it and u'll be fine.
Me: U sure I'll be ok?
CG: Yes. Paper tigers, remember. But don't underestimate the tiger ok? Respect its presence by giving it your best shot even if you know it's made of paper.
Me: *nod*

It's always at such situations I know I am falling deeper for my boy.

Thursday

Went for my exam, keeping whatever he told me in my head. I know I was nervous, but calmed down once the exam began. In fact, I was kinda enjoying the entire exam. I think I did a good job. And some consultants were really pleased with the way I was examining the patients. Got a few praises from them too. I hope I'll pass it at least. I definitely have to do well to make up for the terrible grades I got in the last exam.

Got back home really happy and excited. My boy was gleeing when he heard my exam went well. And we decided to go collect our rings.

It's been a long time since I last wore a ring on my finger, and seeing one on my finger again made me really happy. I dare not wear it for my boy because there were many people around, so we just took our respective one and wore it ourselves. Not romantic at all.

Watched "Zathura". Cool and exciting movie. I love this thing said in the movie:
"Some games are not meant to be played alone."

Game of Life? Maybe that's why I was given parents the moment I was borned.

Friday

Spent the entire day doing nothing. Went to the business and law libraries to borrow books he wanted. He was looking around all the time, trying to see if there was any familiar faces in the campus (he wants to avoid). It was quite irritating cos I didn't understand why he had to avoid people. If he didn't know what to talk to them abt, just keep things short and asked to be excused. That's it right?

We couldn't have lunch at the business refractory either because he said he's bound to bump into lots of people he know (a lot of China ppl there). So we had to go to the main building for it. And he still ended up bumping into people he knew. It was an Indian (he said she's not Indian, but she looks super Indian to me) girl who used to like him.

CG and her: *chats* (while I went somewhere further away so that I won't disturb them and not because I was unfriendly)
Her: Is that your gf?
CG: Yeah..
Her: She's pretty!
CG: Hahahaha...yeah...yeah....

KAOZ! SIMI "YEAH"?! I knew what he was thinking when he said that. Who doesn't know it's courtesy that u say someone else's gf is pretty? Can't expect her to go "Oh..she's ugly" right? But hahaha..it's ok...I'll believe in the said "truth". Heck care with what my bf thinks...hahahahahahaa.

I bumped into 2 people yesterday too. But it did make my day quite unpleasant even though I tried not to think about it. I didn't say "Hi" to one of them because he was talking to his friend, and I knew this "friend" would try to avoid me too. And I was right. Even CG knew he was avoiding because he said my "friend" saw me. It's not the first time this person is doing that anyway. I always had to be the one to say "Hi", but I think maybe I shouldn't from now on.

Bumped into my ex-housemate too. Another who doesn't talk much to me, and speaks to me like I am some odd, weird stranger.

I don't understand why. I don't recall being mean and even though we're not good friends, did I look so daunting? Once again, it reminded me that I don't have friends here.

Had to get CG's ring changed as he thinks it's quite big for his finger, and now the new ring won't be in till Wednesday. Ahhh...late for V day. But at least when it's comfortable, I'm sure he won't take it off every now and then.

Watched "The Little Polar Bear 2". Not very nice, but the bears are cute. I love their big butts.

Went to the Jap restaurant for dinner. Manz, I'm so excited to go to Bali Restaurant to tell the waiter that we have found a suitable wife-to-be candidate for him. CG and I thinks she's perfect for him, and she definitely has the looks and abilities to be a good wife. Will have to find time to hop down there to let him know and get him to go for a meal there so that he can take a closer look at her...lol. Gosh, now both CG and I are excited about playing matchmaker.

The "friends" issue came back into my head later in the evening, and I started missing home. I miss my friends in Singapore, and my family. CG was trying to console me, but...

Me: I wish I am really pretty at times, so people will at least be nicer to me in the beginning..
CG: But those people would be superficial...and u used to say how superficial me and my dad was just because I told you that he likes pretty girls and how I used to comment on your looks.
Me: I know. But it doesn't matter to me that they're superficial right? I just hope they're be nicer to me. I hate this place..I really do.
CG: I don't think u hate this place. It's the people whom u hate.
Me: Maybe. They suck.
CG: I think you suck actually. You think they suck because you haven't come to terms with this fact that your "friends" are like that. And the fact that u have been here for 5 years already, you still miss home and dread what's happening here?
Me: Yeah...fine..I suck...
CG: Then why won't you go and die? You don't have the courage to?
Me: *pauses* I'm going back to my room to sleep....

That last sentence of his triggered something I will choose to never remember. I wasn't angry with him, and I know things he said can really sound darn nan ting, but it does make me very sad whenever I am reminded of that issue. An issue I would like to tell him about, but afraid to.


Sigh..anyway, am glad it wasn't a quarrel. I just needed to be left alone last night. And my boy just apologised a while ago. There really isn't a need for him to apologise. It's not his fault (apart from saying the "go and die" bit).

The sweet bits

I have been asked recently by close friends about how my rship is going. I have numerous unhappy moments and got to the point whereby I am at the brim of giving it up. But whenever I talk about these unhappy things to them, I realise I cannot ignore the fact that he has numerous good points too. And it's only when I mention his good points that I can sense the tinge of sweetness within the bitterness.

This was what I told him too when he asked me one evening if I was happy.

This evening, we went to the restaurant we went to on CNY's eve. He was happily munching on the prawn crackers, and there was a bit of it which stayed on the side of his mouth. When I reached out to pick the piece away...

"Aaawww. Look at them. Isn't that sweet..?" said this Welsh woman sitting next to our table.

We felt pretty shy when she said that, but were smiling. And as I recall that short moment, it does make me smile. It was sweet indeed. :)

I simply love my boy to bits.

Am so grateful for him to bring me back to where I got "lost".

Thank you. I love you.

My mood is pretty low today because I did badly for my last exam. And in a way, it is giving me a bit of the stress for my upcoming exam (although they aren't really related).

Anyway, my mood hasn't been really good this week, to be honest. I have been tolerating tons and tons of nonsense at school, and when I get home, I have to face fluctuating situations between CG and I. Plus my mind is very disturbed by academic issues. I want to grumble, I want to let it all out, but I'm not able to. As much I want my bf next to me, I am trying to be firm in my decision that we sleep in our own respective rooms EVERY night despite it being pretty uncomfy since I'm used to waking up having him next to me.

I finally broke down on Monday while chatting with Victor. For the 1st time, I told a friend whom I crap and laugh all the time with that I'm crying. I cried really hard in my room the whole night till I dozed off. Main reason was because of nonsense I face in school, minor ones were because of my rship.

I think I am losing confidence in my rship gradually, and with every quarrel we have, it only makes me lose it more. I have decided to not think about my future with him. Not because I don't want to be with him, but.........maybe it's just better that I don't place hopes. I don't want to be disappointed and find out that my wish is shattered. That's also a reason to my insisting that we will not slp tgt. I know I'm being selfish because I want to protect myself. I don't want to get too close anymore. I don't want to be dependent on him anymore.

I am not sure if his feelings for me will diminish with time. But he's been saying that I have been losing my temper more and more easily and if this continues, he cannot take it anymore. I have no idea why he thinks I have been losing my temper when I don't think I have. And last night, during our quarrel, he said "I don't think from Oct-Dec, u have ever treated me as your bf." That was a blow, but I never say anything. It was pointless to say more. I didn't stop him when he stormed out.

I'm not doing anything to rectify this problem. I don't have a solution. I just know I feel terrible this moment. And at times, I do wonder if telling him that I like him was a wrong move because if I had not told him, we will definitely not be tgt today since he said before that it's impossible for him to fall for me. I'm way off his type.

I'm missing him now, yet I don't wish to see him. I cannot imagine another quarrel with him tonight, especially when I'm feeling utterly shit now. I'm so worried I'll call it off completely when I have reached my peak.

And yes, that result. Sigh....fuck...