Jealousy

Don't ask me why I feel jealous quite easily.

2 days ago, we had a quarrel because of something I said to spite him, simply because I feel pathetic for having to request for a real proper date. Like other girls, I just want to have something really very memorable in my relationship, but perhaps I asked for too much, for all he wants is just a quiet, stable relationship with me, rather than these little perks once in a while.

We had our argument, and he told me that I have not been romantic too. And that, I admit. I have done quite a number of things for guys I used to go out with, but I have not really done anything for him. I felt guilty, I felt lousy. And I ran away after he mentioned his pri sch classmate, a girl who loved him all the way till recently. I don't hate her, but I do feel threatened. I don't feel that I am lousier than her in any way, except that I'm short, but the ultimate thing she has got which I don't is her nationality being Chinese. I don't despise my nationality, but I cannot deny this fact that it's bothering me, and it threatens my feelings I place on my relationship. She has done many things for him, which he deemed as romantic, despite him never liking her before. I am jealous, but I don't wish to show that I am. Having been close for so many years, they should share a very close relationship with each other, and I don't want to be selfish to pull them away from each other. Yet I cannot help but feel terrible.

I want to do something special for him, but I don't know why I haven't. Is it a way of self protection which I just didn't realise? Or is it because I'm too occupied with thoughts about school? Or is it because I see him so often that there isn't really much time to seriously think of something special to do and spring on him?

And this afternoon when he was reading his msn messages which he didn't see last night, I was around. He doesn't mind me looking at him chatting with his buddies, so there I am sitting there and reading the long message a very good girl pal of his left.

I have chatted with this girl before, and my boy adores her very much. He used to tell me that she's a very cute and nice girl, and she's so good that he won't mind introducing and match make his best friend with her. I was slightly jealous when he told me that last time, but I didn't show it. She was the same girl he chatted with the last time when I was waiting in his room for him to finish his assignment so that he can go and eat ice cream with me, but he got so occupied with it until he kinda forgot all about it.

This girl has gone to Australia to study now, and my boy was initially trying to persuade to come to UK. Now that she has just got there, I guess she feels home sick and lost being alone (where the hell is her bf?!?!?!). So she got connected and tried to email my boy, but because the email couldn't get through, she had to msg him on msn. The msges sounded pretty urgent, and I know she needs him badly, telling him that she will always brighten up after talking to him no matter how low she feels. And she even told him that she misses him, has got lots of things to tell him and asked him if he can call her.

I went into a blank state. I wasn't angry. I just don't know what I'm feeling.

I didn't know what to say or how to react when he suddenly came over to hold my hand and asked if I'm alright. I know what he's thinking, and indeed, he has tried to explain himself, which I appreciate.

"You can be jealous of any girl around me, but she's the last girl u have to ever be jealous of, ok?"

That was supposed to make me feel better, but unfortunately, I don't. It made me feel worse instead. He was telling me that I should understand how she's feeling that I am studying abroad, and how it feels being alone in a foreign land, etc. And it did hurt a little when he said that I probably don't since I had Dad with me when I first came to UK.

Why did he have to get so defensive over her?

I tried to accept what has happened. And repeatedly told myself to be understanding and stop feeling jealous (even when I know it's a natural human response). I can't believe that I actually told him to email her and call her, telling him that she needs him most at this time. The feeling suxs immensely as I was telling him to do that. Why? Because I'm freaking scared. I'm scared that what happened last year during this time would happen to me again.