With only my bedside lamp on and soft, slow music by some orchestra in the background, here I am enjoying the quiet night.

It's lovely. And I have not had a chance to do so for a very long while.

My emotions went into a roller coaster ride for the last few weeks. But after a night's sleep, I am feeling better.

A chapter in my life closed with question marks lingering on for the past 6 years. I mustered enough courage to ask him 2 nights ago about what had happened causing his disappearance. I finally know the truth. No longer do I have to make guesses anymore.

I cannot understand why he couldnt have been honest and tell me the truth to start off with. I would have known what to do, if only he had told me. It hurts to only know the truth 6 yrs later.

"I'm really hurt.." I wanted to tell him that. Face to face.

Anyway, it's all too late now.

Friends we are, but between us, I know that a line will always been drawn. And I clearly know that it's a line that we'll never cross.

He has chosen to lead a life free from emotional commitments. He has moved on.

I am attached, and I am responsible for another him.

I should try and let it go. It is only right that I move on too.

Tired. Demoralised. Frustrated.

Feeling really suffocated.

And this urge in me to just scream it all out and let it all go.

I'm drained.

Looking at my schedule pisses me. I'm always on call, and apart from being in the hospital, I hardly have time for anything else.. I hardly even have time for myself!

Exams are coming. And on top of juggling with my endless calls, I've to find time to study. Am seriously wondering how am I ever gonna make it through. As much as I want to revise, my tired mind doesn't allow me to. Sometimes, brain blocks occur during my rounds, and I can't help but wonder if I'm even safe to carry on with the day. Yet somehow, I manage to get through it (with fear of course).

I need an exit, but I don't know where to find it. I feel so suffocated with my routined life, being unofficially restricted. I wish I can go somewhere and hide, be totally cut off from everyone, to sit down and sort out my thoughts.

I wish I can just say "Fuck off and leave me alone!"

Years ago, he disappeared without a word. I waited, believing that perhaps he was too busy to contact me, only to find myself crying hard outside his hostel after a long wait. He never appeared again.

Tough it was, but I moved on.

I never thought he will appear again, but he did....years later.

A message was all it took to stir things up, to bring back all the painful memories.

Perhaps he had forgotten that we were once together. Perhaps he had taken our relationship as one which isn't to be taken seriously; afterall we were still young then. But I had not forgotten. I was serious about it.

Since his reappearance, my life went into another mess.

As much as I wanted to ignore him, I couldn't. Emotions don't end the way u want it to.

I maintained my smile when I talked to him and had dinner with him. But my emotions were in a mess, and questions filled my mind. I was pleased to see him, even though I know I should never see him again. I still felt a thing, but at the same time, I hated him.

I had so much to say, so much to ask. Yet I could not bring myself to do so.

He asked me about my bf and if I was getting married soon. Strangely, it felt like a pin prick. I tried to keep the chat of this topic as minimal as I can. I wasn't feeling good.

I felt another prick when I found out about the relationship he had after ours.

I also felt terrible when he asked how have I been over the last few years.

I wanted to tell him that he had no right to ask me these. I wanted to tell him that he should not even appear again. I wanted to tell him that I had so much to say to him before, but he never gave me a chance to.

I wanted to ask him why he had take me away from someone who loved me with all his heart, and then leave me. I wanted to ask him if he was being serious about me to begin with. I wanted to know what was it that I have done wrong that he had to leave.

I wanted to know why he chose to appear again after so many years.


.....but I did not have the courage to say those things.

I was worried my eyes would betray my mind. I looked away whenever I could. I turned my head away whenever I could.

I am feeling terrible.