Years ago, he disappeared without a word. I waited, believing that perhaps he was too busy to contact me, only to find myself crying hard outside his hostel after a long wait. He never appeared again.

Tough it was, but I moved on.

I never thought he will appear again, but he did....years later.

A message was all it took to stir things up, to bring back all the painful memories.

Perhaps he had forgotten that we were once together. Perhaps he had taken our relationship as one which isn't to be taken seriously; afterall we were still young then. But I had not forgotten. I was serious about it.

Since his reappearance, my life went into another mess.

As much as I wanted to ignore him, I couldn't. Emotions don't end the way u want it to.

I maintained my smile when I talked to him and had dinner with him. But my emotions were in a mess, and questions filled my mind. I was pleased to see him, even though I know I should never see him again. I still felt a thing, but at the same time, I hated him.

I had so much to say, so much to ask. Yet I could not bring myself to do so.

He asked me about my bf and if I was getting married soon. Strangely, it felt like a pin prick. I tried to keep the chat of this topic as minimal as I can. I wasn't feeling good.

I felt another prick when I found out about the relationship he had after ours.

I also felt terrible when he asked how have I been over the last few years.

I wanted to tell him that he had no right to ask me these. I wanted to tell him that he should not even appear again. I wanted to tell him that I had so much to say to him before, but he never gave me a chance to.

I wanted to ask him why he had take me away from someone who loved me with all his heart, and then leave me. I wanted to ask him if he was being serious about me to begin with. I wanted to know what was it that I have done wrong that he had to leave.

I wanted to know why he chose to appear again after so many years.


.....but I did not have the courage to say those things.

I was worried my eyes would betray my mind. I looked away whenever I could. I turned my head away whenever I could.

I am feeling terrible.