It's a bit odd that I'm meeting Dearie tmr when something major just happened a few days ago. Knowing that it's going to be awkward seeing him at this point of time, I was planning to either cancel my air tix (which I realised was too late and I think giving up my free ticket for no reason is darn stupid, plus my parents would smell something fishy going on) or stay in a hotel and tour Beijing alone (chances are I'll probably spend my time in the hotel everyday).

But after all the discussions we had, I decided to shove everything aside and enjoy myself. It's pretty pointless travelling all the way there and feeling miserable anyway. I don't want to regret not spending quality time with him in future either, especially when I don't get to see him often at all.

Dearie says he's got tooo much to tell me, and he only wants to tell me about them face-to-face. Fine, shall give him the opportunity to let everything out when I'm there.

Kinda excited now. Few more hours, and I'll be seeing him again. Muahaha...I can relive the enjoyment I get being chauffered around while I admire the city, see my favourite road in Beijing, and trying hard to peek into the passengers in the cars next to us...hehehe. And of course, not forgetting the food I love there and the big comfy bed in Dearie's apartment (just the type I want cos it's got so many fat pillows on it)

Was busy packing just now. Grrr...I cannot understand why I feel really stressed up packing my luggage whenever I have to make a trip there. Spent hours trying to match clothes, shoes, accessories, etc. I know I'm not going there for a fashion show, but I am somehow dressed to be "watched". Quite sickening at times. Before going out everyday, I'll have to spend time putting make up, dressing up, and I can only go out when Dearie thinks I look good enough. The most stressful part of the day. But I don't deny that I do feel very much better about myself if I dress properly.

Anyway....

I totally adore my puppy. It's really small and playful. I had lots of fun cuddling it and feeding him food. Love it when he comes licking my fingers and legs too.

Mum claims that little Pan-Pan is closest to me in the family, since whenever he hears my voice or sees me, he'll start jumping and barking while wagging his tail. He refuses to go to sleep at night too if he knows I'm around, unless I ignore him.

Hehehe...shall ask Dearie to bring me to the pet shop, so that I can buy some toys and clothes for him. My puppy caught a cold after sleeping in the air-conditioned room. But he's just like a little baby...allowing my brother to cover him up with a blanket whilst he tries to sleep, and believe it or not, but my pup likes stacking cloths together to form a "pillow" for him to rest his head on to sleep.

Cute right? Can't wait to take him for small walks around the estate when he's slightly older.

An unexpected call

My head was throbbing and my eyes were burning after typing out everything that I wanted to tell Dearie. I have decided that I will go by his wishes, and grant him all the freedom to lead the type of life he wants from now on. I have lost my confidence in being his pillar of support, and I regret the fact that I'm useless when IT softwares are concerned. I have tried hard to read up on them in order to understand and be able to say something when Dearie tells me about his problems and goes on abt the softwares. But no matter how hard I try, I still do not understand. Maybe I'm just thick. I have failed to be the type of girl he needs. And it makes me feel pointless of claiming to be his gf, when he feels that I'm not the one he'll choose to talk to if he is troubled.

I didn't want to spend the rest of the night packing my luggage with a throbbing headache, so I went to take a short nap.

I must be really exhausted, because I didn't wake up until my phone rang.

The voice over the phone sounded familiar, but the number wasn't stored in my contact list.

Me: Hello..
D: Hi michelle..
Me: U r?
D: It's me..D here..
Me: Oh..hi!
D: U're going home tmr right? I got your number from H, and I just wanted to wish u a safe journey back.

This call came as a real surprise.

D is my junior from med sch, and despite being Chinese, we never spoke even though I've seen him many times. He's going to take over my post when I am done with my housemanship in the hospital, hence, he's been shadowing me this week. When he first came a few weeks back, he was with other teams, and it is only natural that Chinese will interact with one another, but I'm not a very friendly person to begin with, so I didn't talk to him at all.

I only started talking when he came over once to talk to me, and was really surprised that he knew my name. Ok, maybe it's not that surprising since I must have made a name for myself amongst all the Msians years ago after an unpleasant incident with someone. Knowing how people around my region are like, I expected rumours to go around, and I started losing the only few friends I had too. I avoided Msians like a plague. I even chose to move out to a place where I knew I'll be far far away from them.

Since he's Msian, I reckon he might have heard abt what has happened before and things abt me. But since he's here to shadow me during his placement, I decided to put private issues and concerns aside. It was a pleasure having him around for a week, and it was nice imparting my knowledge and sharing my job experiences with him. It was great having him share my jobs with me too.

When I was on call, I was concentrating so much on my jobs in the ward. If he didn't bleeped me and asked if I wanted to eat dinner together, I would have completely forgotten abt it. That came as a surprise too. During then, even though I was talking, to me, he was my student, rather than a friend. And never did I expect him to bleep me specially to ask if I had my dinner.

Anyway, it was nice receiving his call, especially when I needed some distractions. I did feel very touched that someone remembered that I'm going home for my annual leave tomorrow, and asking me abt my coach and flight details. I was even more surprised when he actually said he doesn't mind coming to my hospital to help me after his exams, when I was only just kidding abt it. It was also surprising when he said we'll have a meal together whenever I am in Cardiff.

I am pleased to have made a new friend, even though I'm returning home for good soon. Although I don't know him very well, but at least to me, he seems very much more sincere than the people I know here. The dinner, the phone call and the blessings were enough to make me feel touched. :)

Dad corresponded online with me today, to inform me that my brother broke down emotionally today and had to book out from camp under special circumstances. My brother had always been a strong person, and it got me worried when I heard this from Dad. Apparently, one of the recruits he was in charge of had fallen severely ill and have been sent to the ICU. Apparently, his situation is critical, and being able to live through the night was a major question. Being someone who loves and respects his subordinates, sharing a very close bond with them, it was no wonder why my brother would break down, even though it wasn't his fault that the young boy had fallen ill. I hope his recruit will get well soon, and I hope my brother will start feeling better soon. Being far away, I feel useless, having the urge to shower him with some care and concern during this critical moment, yet knowing how emotionally stable he is at the moment, I don't want to bring up the matter to aggravate things.


Mum was chatting loads to me, as usual. She sounds terribly excited about the little baby coming to live with us, asking me numerous questions abt how Dearie's dogs are taken care of in China. The whole family are making preparations for our new family member, and it seemed like a huge family happening for us. I'm excited in the UK to check out the little one too. I love dogs, and my brother was telling Mum that he's sure I'll be terribly happy to meet the baby, and I'll willingly do anything for it. How true..in fact, I've already volunteered to take the sweetheart to the Vet for his final vaccination at the end of this mth. Now I'm even thinking of what I'm going to buy for the puppy.

Mum started talking abt Dearie today. She was going on and on about her chatting with my granny's Radiographer about Dearie. The Radiographer's from Beijing too, and she was telling Mum that with Dearie's family background, girls in China would be queueing up for him, because by marrying into Dearie's family, it would a lifetime of luxury and I can sit in the house and be a taitai. Hence, the Radiographer was telling my mum that I should treasure Dearie since he's a brilliant catch. Although I know that my darling's great, I couldn't help but burst out laughing at what the Radiographer said. Mum started asking me if I was planning to leave home and become a taitai. "I think your Daddy will be disappointed if u were to tell him that u're quitting as a doctor to become a taitai now. It's not that we think it's bad to be a taitai, but your Daddy spent so much money to see you through medical school. And now u've finally graduated, we think it's such a waste if u suddenly say u're quitting. He could have done so many things with the money he spent on u." Mum went on. Lol.

Well, I did have thoughts of giving it all up for the sake of Dearie. Yes, quitting Medicine, get a job totally unrelated to Medicine in China, and live the rest of my life as a taitai. But Dearie was really sweet. He decided that he shall make the compromise, and let me live my dream of becoming a doctor. My passion still ultimately lies in Medicine. I haven't forgotten what I want to do after becoming a doctor, and I'm currently taking baby steps to make them become real. I've already started off by teaching medical students. Not much, but at least I've made a start. And I really do enjoy teaching them, and fascinating them with signs. I know they're fascinated when they go around telling their friends what they've seen on the wards for the day. It also pleases me when I have them listening attentively to what I'm telling them, and jotting down points. If I'm given an option, I'm sure I'll be more than willing to become a clinical tutor one day when I'm higher up the hierachy. The next would be gaining enough experience to do voluntary services locally and abroad, especially in disaster situations (I feel like shit watching the news of the Myanmar cyclone and Sichuan Quake because here I am sitting down doing nothing, when thousands out there are fighting to survive and even more are crying for their loved ones. One day...one fine day...I will make it there to do my bit. I will try my best to make this happen).

I was chatting with Owain in the kitchen today, and was telling him about the posts I've got back home. "I'm sure U'll like A&E. U look like the A&E type of person." he said. Sheesh...first, I have a Surgeon telling me I got the potential to be a Surgeon, and then my colleagues telling me that my clerking is that of a typical physician, and now someone else is telling me that I'm an A&E person. Seriously making me wonder what type of person I am. Hahahaha. I don't think I'm that great to fit everywhere. Anyway, I'll make the decision when that time comes. :)

Forgetful Me

I've been getting more and more forgetful about important dates since I've started working. It seems as though the only dates I remember are when I'm on call. And I'm only looking forward to weekends. Nothing else matters.

I will remember the birthdays of my loved ones, but when the day comes, I get so engrossed with my work that I forget to ring home to give my blessings. And sometimes, even when I make the effort to ring home with saying "Happy Birthday" as my purpose, I realise I've forgotten to do so only after hanging up the call.

I used to look forward to every 28th of the month, even though I don't celebrate anything at all with Dearie. But sometimes I have forgotten all about it.

Flipped through my diary, and realised that I have forgotten that Dearie's birthday is nearing. Good thing it hasn't gone past without me realising, but still, I can't help but feel guilty that I've completely forgotten about that important day. Fortunately, I'm on call that weekend, or else I won't forgive myself for not picking to take my leave during that period, so that I can be physically next to him during his bday.

Hmm...maybe I'll try and plan something for him during one of my days in China. Wonder what should I do for him....*ponders*

My new family member

Welcoming my new family member!

He's now the baby of my family. Cute huh?

Hate it!

Here's why I hate living with people I don't really know.

Call it Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), but I absolutely hate it when someone else (apart from Dearie and my family) uses my fork, spoon, knife, bowl, plate and cup. Because they tend to go missing for a very very very long time, and it gets on my nerves if someone uses them, and throws it at a corner after that without washing it.

I have 3 spoons to begin with, and now ALL of them are missing. I don't bloody understand why people can't use their own utensils? Don't they have their own set? I feel terribly uncomfortable using utensils which are not mine when I'm in my own accomodation.

Totally dread it that I have to make sure I remember to dry up all my washed utensils, so that I can hide them in my cupboard. And just because I forgot to hide my one and only spoon (lost the other 2...dont know where the fuck it has gone to), now it is missing!

Yes, I have weird habits. Since young, I hate it whenever someone I'm not close to uses my stuffs, and I do lose my temper on the spot for this. I dread it when others pick into my food using dining utensils which has already been used. I dislike the idea of people eating without using the service spoons (I know it's the Chinese culture, and no matter how hard I try to accept it, I can't). If someone steals a gulp of my drink, I do get annoyed and I'll usually give him/her the entire cup.

To me, all the above is gross. I don't like the thought abt me sharing my saliva with others, and neither do I fancy the thought of others sharing their saliva with me. It turns me off completely. And although I know lots of diseases aren't spread this way, I still hate the idea of utensil/food/drink sharing.

I also dread having my clothes, towel and undergarments shared. It sounds ridiculous, but I do dump the towel away if someone else (apart from my bf) uses it. Even if it's brand new, I dump it without hesitating. Undergarments gets on my nerves most. Good thing I haven't had this problem for a long time, but when I was younger, I throw them away if someone else has used it and returns it to me after it's been washed. Sounds rude, but I find it disgusting.

Palaces!

I love viewing houses - no kidding. I know it sounds weird.

My day in the hospital has been quite relaxing, since my patients are stable so far, so I ended up spending some time chatting with my seniors in the doctor's room.

My Registrar was surfing the Net looking for house plans for the plot of land he bought back home in India. Being excited, he started showing me the house plan which he fancies. The artist's impression looks really good. It's got a tinge of indian flavour in it, but westernized too. I love looking at these things, and started pestering him and my MO about how the rich are like in India, and if they build houses which look like palaces and the Taj Mahal.

I guess they knew I was getting a bit too excited, so they started to satisfy my excitement by showing me some other brilliant houses up for sale in India. I thought they're considered rich, when they can buy big plots of lands and build beautiful houses. But they claimed that they're only of a middle class standard, and the gap between the rich and poor in India is massive. They were also telling me about this filthy rich guy in India who bought his wife a real airplane as a present.

I love palaces, and hence, started pestering them to show me palaces in India. There's one which I find beautiful (Mysore Palace - see below), especially when it's lighted up in the night. Love looking at these things and how I wish I can build my own palace (if only I'm that rich...muahahahha). Apparently, they think I'm weird for dreaming of living in a palace. My Registrar was telling me how my bones would be found decades or centuries later if I accidentally lock myself in one of the hundreds and thousands of rooms, and starve to death without anyone realising it.

We started talking abt the Taj Mahal, one of the famous 7 wonders of the world. I've never been to India, but the videos and pictures of this wonderful architecture sweeps me off my feet. Would love to see it one day. I started asking them if there's anything within the Taj Mahal, and apparently, they said there's nothing spectacular inside, since there's only a tomb. For those who didn't know this, the Taj Mahal is a tomb which a rich guy built for his late wife (damn lucky hor?!), and this rich guy chopped off the thumb/finger of every worker who built the Taj Mahal, because by doing so, these workers can never ever build another structure this fascinating again. Cruel hor?

Meme (this is long..)

1) Are your parents married or divorced? - Married
2) Are you a vegetarian? - No. I don't think I'll survive being one.
3) Do you believe in Heaven? - Yes
4) Have you ever come close to dying? - Yes, when I fainted and banged my head on the wall. Couldn't see anything even though I know my Mum was trying to wack me conscious.
5) What jewelery do you wear daily? - The ring Dearie bought me, and my 21st present (a necklace) frm my little bro.
6) Favorite time of day? - Night
7) Do you eat the stems of broccoli? - Yes
8) What is your hair styling agent? - John Freida Frizz-Ease Hair Serum
9) Ever have any surgery? No
10) Do you color your hair? - Yes
11) What do you wear to bed? - Tee + shorts
12) Have you ever done anything illegal? Venue? Hmm...
13) Can you roll your tongue? - Yes
14) Electric razor or blade? - Blade
15) What kind of shoes usually? - Cord shoes for work (too cold here to expose my feet)
16) Do you condone Abortions? - Deepends
17) What is your Hair color? - Black & Brown
18) Future child's name? Boy or girl? Si1 Yuan3 (still thinking of English name) for boy, and Si1 Yu3 (Ffion) for girl [Dearie and I spent quite some time thinking abt them]
19) Do you snore? - Unfortunately yes....Dearie said so
20) If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be? - Don't really know. I want to go to many places.
21) Do you sleep with stuffed animals? No..I don't like stuffed toys..
22) If you won the lottery, what would you do first? - Think of ways of letting it grow & donate some away
23) Gold or platinum/white gold? - Platinum
24) Hamburger or hot dog? Hot dog (I like sausages)
25) If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be? - Steamboat (I'm greedy huh..)
26) City, beach or country? - Has got to be a city (I'm a true city girl)
27) What was the last thing you touched? - Oxford handbook of clinical medicine (damn, I dun have a life)
28) Where did you eat last? - My room in UK
29) When's the last time you cried? - *secret*
30) Do you read blogs? - Yup yup...everyday
31) Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex? - No. I don't think I'll look nice either.
32) Ever been involved with the police? - Yes, after I dumped all the dirt and dust I swept from the floor down a flat when I was very young
33) What's your favorite shampoo and soap? - Hmmm...Alberto VO5 (in UK) and Asience (Sg). Don't really have a fav soap..as long as it smells nice & isn't ex..I'll use it.
34) Do you talk in your sleep? - Very often...I even laugh, smile in my sleep
35) Ocean or pool? - Ocean
38) Window seat or aisle? - Aisle (I find it easier to go to the toilet)
39) Ever met anyone famous? - I'm sure I have, just can't rem who they are
40) Do you feel that you've had a truly successful life? - Not to my standard yet...I think it's still early to tell
41) Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? - Twirl
42) Ricki Lake or Oprah Winfrey? - No interest in both
43) Basketball or Football? - Nahz...not my cup of tea
44) How long do your showers last? - 30-60 mins (if I'm washing my hair), otherwise...10 mins?
45) Automatic or stick shift? - Not bothered
46) Cake or ice cream? - Difficult choice...but I think I'll take Ice cream
47) Are you self-conscious? - Depending on situations
48) Have you ever drank so much you threw up? - No
49) Have you ever given money to a begger? - Yes
50) Have you been in love? - Yes
51) Where do you wish you were? - Next to my family and Dearie
52) Do you wear socks with your shoes? - Yes
53) Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? - Yes..I felt like as if I was "flying" lying in there when they sent me into hospital
54) Can you tango? - No
55) Last gift you received? - Nokia 8800 Sirrocco
56) Last sport you played? - Pool, but that's ages ago
57) Things you spend a lot of money on? - Food I guess...
58) Where do you live? - Somewhere in UK
59) Where were you born? - Mount E Hospital
60) Last wedding attended? - Kor's wedding
63) Most hated food(s)? - Internal organs (except pig's liver)
64) What's your favourite? - Ballet :)
65) Can you sing? I think so...
66) Last person you instant messaged? Dearie
67) Last place you went on holiday? - Beijing
68) Favorite regular drink? - Juice (but I haven't had it for some time)
69) Tag 5 friends: Whoever's bored n just want to do this for fun
70) Current Song? - Some song from Spring Waltz OST

It isn't u who is the only one being frustrated. Even if the fact that I'm sacrificing my sleep just to call u means nothing to u, even if having me returning home after work and dozing off immediately without even changing and eating dinner means nothing to u, at least the least u can do is to not shout at me and say u're finding it a pain that I'm calling u before work. Do u think I like it too? But what other choices have I got if u're always busy during weekends, and by the time I finish work and rush home, u'll be asleep?

And do u think u're the only pissed off about your job problem? Do I not feel guilty that because of me, u have to job hunt, when u could sit comfortably in your government office and continue living your life like a prince? Just like u, I feel insecure too. Yet I can't even talk to u about it because u dread me mentioning abt it. And everyday, I feel like as if I'm living my life with u without a proper direction. Sometimes, I don't even know what I am doing. Neither do I know what you're thinking. Neither do I know how to talk to u in order not to aggravate u. I'm not asking for anything to happen now even if I want to. I will be happy enough being given a direction and know where we're heading.

Deteriorating health

I ran up to the acute admissions unit at 9am with my hair still quite messed up (didn't really comb it neatly) and without putting on any tinted mosturiser. And when my team saw me, they started laughing.

I was an hour late for my post-take ward round, and it was obvious to my team that I must be so completely exhausted from the on calls that I couldn't get up.

"Don't panic. I was late too...hhahaha" my ever so lovely Consultant said. :)

Anyway..

I can feel my health deteriorating slowly. I haven't been sleeping much, and everyday after work, I'll be studying in my room until abt 1am at least before I ring Dearie. I should probably speak lesser to him, but I don't think our 30-60 minute conversation daily isn't overboard, since he's the only person (apart frm my parents) whom I can bare my heart to. But it really is draining, and even though others have suggested setting a time, this won't seem to be feasible in our case, because he's usually with his paternal family during weekends and talking wouldn't be convenient, and unfortunately, that's the only time I am free to talk at reasonable hours.

Days whereby I would just come back home and collapse on my bed, sleeping instantly for about 2 hours, are becoming more and more frequent too. Practically everyday, my body would ache as well.

I know I'm terribly exhausted, and I am thankful that it's the long weekend coming up, allowing me to sleep my fill and recharge my battery.

I think the strong lack of sleep, and lack of proper food and nutrition are contributing factors. Sometimes I'm even tempted to just get a friend to take some bloods from me, to check my general health status (won't be surprised to find myself anaemic).

Been falling ill quite often too. Just within a few months, I have already seen the doc twice.