Life alone again

He's left. I rather think of it as being for good.

I didn't send him off. Instead, I pretended to be asleep when he's doing his last minute packing. I have weeped enough over the past few days, and I don't like the idea of weeping this morning before going to work with my swollen eyes.

We spent some time talking before I dozed off, and I have made it clear that I don't think our "relationship" is going to get any better...I'll just let time wash away my remaining feelings for him. If our conflicts and problems have been solved in the beginning, it wouldn't end up being what it is today. I know I have lost my will to resolve anything, and have given up on us when I told him I see no point in talking anymore about our "relationship".

He said he regretted choosing to go home to celebrate CNY instead of being here with me, but sadly, I no longer trust what he says.

I was planning to go to China and celebrate CNY with him. I wanted to accompany him back to China, so that we can go to the airport and take a long flight together. But my fucked up surgical rota didn't allow me to take leave during that period, and I wasn't able to swop calls with others too. The reasons which hurt me the most was...
1. when he said it wouldn't be a good time to have me around when there's a lot of relatives going to his place, since he thinks it's not nice to ask to be excused halfway to bring me out
2. his insistence on having to be home on the eve to have reunion dinner when I tried to ask if it's ok to go back at the end of Feb because that's the only time I can take my leave

He said I didn't understand why he wanted to be home for reunion dinner, saying that he hasn't celebrated CNY for 2 years and said things are different for me even though I've not had CNY for 6 years because CNY in Sg isn't like in China. That hurts.

Yes, I don't like home visiting during CNY, and neither do I like guests in the house, but I have my family too..and I do miss having dinner with them. Does it matter if I'm from a country that's less traditional? Reunion dinner is still the same everywhere.

Honestly, his insistence of being back by CNY eve, leaving me alone here made me feel abandoned. He said he'll talk to me during CNY online, but I know that's not ever going to possible. I did cry a little when he was so adamant abt his decision, but said nothing more.

It was pointless to say anything because I knew where I stand in the first place, and now that our "relationship" has gone downhill drastically, it was useless to force things. His family is important, and I am not expecting to be on par with them...in fact....despite him telling me that he loves me...I have never felt part of being "his family".

I gave up 2 weeks of holiday to go to Scotland with him instead of going home. I stayed in the UK during my bday, thinking that I'll be able to celebrate it with him, but ended up with nothing except sobbing under my blanket.

I don't think CG and I have lost the "dating excitement" because we've been together for some time, but because there was nothing to begin with, and my heart died along the way.

I didn't even realise that Valentine's day was coming until I saw lovey dovey bears and chocolates in the hospital's little shop. Suddenly, V day doesn't seem to be an occasion for me to be excited about, and neither am I excited about it. I know what was coming, and it'll just be another day like any other.

For 2 years, it has been so for every single occasion u can think of.

Sadly, the only time I smiled and felt warmed was when a male colleague I often talk to bought me a box of chocolates and wrote me a happy bday note when he found out when he heard my female colleagues saying when my birthday was.

Appearance of a Doc

Just before my bleep goes off again with usually rubbish requests and before my handover to the day team, I thought I'll spend some time blogging about random thoughts of mine.

After CG's comment about how come I got sticky labels of patients details all over my top, it made me ponder about the appearance of a doctor, and I think if I was bang on looking pretty, fashionable, cool hairstyle and all make up, then doing medicine would be the greatest mistake I will make.

Why?

Take a peep at doctors in the hospital. When was the last time you see a very neat and good looking doctor, all dressed up fashionably and well groomed from head to toe? Probably never exist...unless it's some freaking rich ass who owns the private clinic for let's say....hmmm....plastic surgery.

I don't think doctors are any less fashionable than the babe dressed trendily on the streets. But we're made to be less fashionable, and so unfortunately, get used to out crappy dress sense that before we know it, we've aged so much and think that there's no point in dressing up anymore.

The fresh medical graduate, who sadly starts as a houseman, would probably start cheering that since she has joined the working society, maybe it's high time to put on some make up and look pretty (prime age for females, u see), only to realise that after the first 3 days at work (if it last 1 week, there's quite good), u completely give up dressing up anymore, and go back to the previous sloppy clothes, and nude complexion.

Simply because with the demand of the job, u'll find yourself running around the whole hospital like some insane woman, turning up at the wards panting (and sweating in hot Sg)...and with that hours of exercise, your hair probably doesn't look as neat anymore, your make up would have worn off, and your clothes will look fugly with dunno how many patient labels on. And then just when u think it's worth it to look pretty because maybe u can get things done easily because of good looks, u'll realise it's crap because nurses will still continue to bleep u and nag, the ah mas will ask u to siam to one side so that she can mop the floor, and your Consultant will still scold u if he/she is in a foul mood.

Let's make things simpler...analyse it slowly from top to toe..

The Hair..

Maybe u're head over heels in love with that pink afro hair some freak has got in the magazine, and think "Cool! I'll look like a perfectly cutie poodle with that hair", and be so tempted to look like the poodle, then u realise u're mostly gonna be invited for a coffee with your Consultant and Medical Director about that so-called poodle hairstyle of yours. So you keep to the natural brown dyed straight hair.

The Face

"Wow...I love Christina Aguilera's bright red lipstick! And oh..check out that long fake lashes. Oh...and I love that new make up look of the season...it's soooo IIIIINNNNN!!!!!" and u get tempted to head to the make up store and fill the basket with whatever make up that attracts u (and that red lipstick...hahahaha). Then just when u sit in front of the mirror and think u wanna look like Christina Aguilera...u change your mind because...yup...u'll probably receive another coffee invitation. Sigh..ok..mind changed..and there u go putting normal foundation and natural looking make up and head off for work. Hours of "exercise" will leave u panting and sweating and when u get home, u realise your make up's all gone..and because u're so fatigued after a hard day's work, u rather get more sleep than to specially wake up early to put on make up.

The Clothes

Mini Skirts...off shoulder tops...bare backs...halter necks...whatever the fashion fever is for the moment. Clothes which tempt u endlessly, and makes u green with envy when u see the babe in the MRT wearing the type of top u like. U are so tempted to be one of those fashion kittens, but unfortunately, docs are supposed to dress up like a professional, not like a runway model...and so what if u r one of those long legged beauties which stands a high chance of winning Miss Leg Universe..because u're a doc, u'll forget tight skirts because u can never run with those on without ending up tearing your skirt...u'll forget about skin tight jeans because jeans are forbidden. U'll also forget about mini skirts or shorts because...again...that's forbidden. And u end up going for normal flare skirts (bad for running) and comfortable long pants...depriving yourself of being envied by others for having a lovely pair of legs. Of course..not forgetting stick labels all over your clothes at the end of the day..

The Shoes

Being a junior doctor basically entails doing lots of nonsensical, routine and boring ward work, and of course...the daily marathon. So shoes are important. You can forget abt the pointy killer heels and the leggy boots because u're most likely gonna end up in Casualty with a fall or fracture. You can forget abt high heels because u won't end up walking properly or might even break your heel. You can also forget abt pointy fronts, because u'll end up limping after 3 hours. For comfort's sake, even if u hate flats..u'll still end up buying mediocre heels...and some might even wish they can wear track shoes to work. If u're short and hoping to be tall, drop that thought and console yourself that if the event of a fire...u'll get better air to breathe since cold air descends while hot air ascends..

The Nails

If u fancy having long nails and having Jolin Tsai's nail art, or even simple ones like SIA red..hmmm...maybe just keep it to the toes. Docs aren't allowed to have long nails..so if u're a nail art fan, I'm sorry..u just committed suicide by entering Medicine 5 years ago.

Oh yes...

Forgot to mention that work is busy, so normally, it'll save time if u carry torniquet, venflons, tape, gauze, needles, syringes, torch, patella hammer, measuring tape, the mini Oxford Handbook of Clinical Medicine etc etc all on you..which is impossible...so u have to carry a bag. But the fashionable ones are usually slung around the arm, and u won't want to clerk the patient with the bag around your arm, so preferably, one that slings around you would be nice, but honestly, how often do u find a nice sling bag?


With all that, can u tell me how is it ever possible for a junior doctor (maybe even senior doc) in the hospital to look attractive?

Salon phobia

I've been living life like a hermit for too long, and undergoing self-neglect, letting my bushy brows turn into a wild forest. But for strange reasons, I suddenly decided to do something about myself when I spent a weekend away from hospital....


I WENT TO TRIM MY EYEBROWS AND CUT MY HAIR!!!!!!

Ok, the eyebrows bit was rather drastic, because they looked "bare" for a moment...haha. It's not nicely shaped and makes my face look clearer (dunno abt the looking less tired part because till now there are ppl telling me at work that i look tired...sigh..)

But the hair...sigh....quite a disaster.

I've always had the phobia of going into salons until I had rebonding done, even though I still feel fugly on the day I did it. But haircuts from then on wasn't too bad, since the hair is quite straight and not frizzy, so haircuts can't turn into my "usual salon nightmares". But once the roots start growing out to a certain extent, showing off my curls which I can't wait to hide, things do have a chance to turn disastrous.

And things can never get worse when there's miscommunication added in.

Told the hairdresser that I want to do something about my fringe. I don't want it long, but neither do I want it extremely short, and being Chinese, she assumed that I wanted the current cutie pie fringe that little act-cute Taiwanese/Japanese girls are having, and after a few snips, I was given Yang Chen Ling's fringe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I almost banged the wall when she was even attempting to cut it further, and told her to stop on the spot, telling her that I wanted a fringe at least till my brow level or longer swept to the side, not one about 2cm above my brows looking like those cutie wanna bes, BECAUSE I hate being associated with them!

But no use making noise anyway.

Now I've gotta live with this short fringe (I swept it to the side of course, but because my hair is naturally thick and frizzy, it isn't that flowy and tend to frizz a little...argh) and pray hard that it'll grow quickly to at least my brow level.

Dearie and Samya thinks it looks nice even though it was a mistake (grave one to me!), but till now, I can't get used to it, and have been asking Dearie 3 times a day if I look fine (which he so patiently answered).

Grrrrr....

I'll make sure I'll never get another china doll fringe like this anymore.

"Let's have a date tonight...I'll take u out for dinner" he said.

"Why", I asked with a curious look. To me, it's odd. We've never been on a proper date ever since we got together, and although I did wish and crave for it to happen at some point, I have sort of given up hope and ceased having any expectations.

With a smile, he said we need to have dinner anyway, so we'll make it into a dinner date. I don't know why he is doing this, especially when we've agreed mutually to end our relationship last night.

He'll be returning home at the end of January, and he'll still be living with me till then. Just to prevent any awkwardness, I've told him that we'll still be like how we used to be. talking and all, until he leaves. And whatever that happens from then on, will be a different issue. But at least, it's a friendly end.

The ending of our relationship might do us some good, I guess. We've both been through a lot, and over the past few months, we haven't been happy together, and he thinks I've been suffering enough and totally worn out. He said it pains him to see me looking tired everyday, and in constant worry and that I need some rest for now.

Our relationship isn't getting anywhere either by trying to stick together, yet quarrelling everyday. Hence, the decision to end it.

Although we've both agreed calmly without any arguments, I guess part of him fears losing this relationship forever, because he kept reminding me that it's a decision agreed upon not because he doesn't love me anymore. He kept reminding me that even though we're aware that we're not in a relationship together, mentally and emotionally, he has never left me....and I'll always be his gf...and therefore, if I should decide to visit him in China soon, I'm more than welcome to and stay at his place since he'll not break the news of our break up to his parents. He also told me that he'll return to the UK to see me again soon, and he'll find a way to make it to Singapore (get a job, study, whatever) if I were to go back home one day. And if he ever makes it there and I'm still not attached, he hopes to get a 2nd chance.

I trust that he meant what he said, but my mind is in a complete blank now to think about anything.

I think I will just need some time to give myself some rest and start life anew to any extent I can for now.

Getting lost

I have been in an adventure mood these few days, doing things on impulse for the thrill. For example, I just came back from work on Friday, booked a hotel and off I went to catch a train to spend a night in Cardiff.

And I wanted to do the same thing today, except that I was tempted to book a hotel with facilities like a jaccuzzi, pool and beauty treatments. I do have a strong crave of being pampered, and was dying to book a room in Marriott Hotel, because I didn't sleep very well last night, and ever since Dearie's return, I have been craving for that wonderful sleep I had in that hotel. The bed is the most comfy out of all the hotels I have stayed in, and I reckon Marriott must be really proud of their beds, because they actually sell the mattress and pillows online (Can someone buy me their pillows please...?).

The price did wake me up from my senses though, and I was hoping that Dearie would be sweet enough to say "Ok. I'll pay for it. Let's go there tonight." But no. He said we'll spend a night there when he gets a job (and even though he means it, I know it'll never happen...).

I continued searching for cheaper hotels similar to Marriott, but unfortunately, the prices were either too steep or fully booked. And so, I had to make do with the miserable plan of having a dinner out.

It's really sad that I've never really been on a real date with Dearie. Like days like this, there is a good reason to put on make up, and wear a nice dress with heels, holding Dearie's hand and go to a restaurant for dinner. But no, we're always in jeans and dirty track shoes.

We were talking abt this on the train (will talk abt the train trip later). And I was quite sad when Dearie said that he really wish that he'll be able to have a proper date with me (setting a date and time, reminding me to dress up, drive his car to pick me up and take me to a fancy restaurant), and said he's had such an experience, but it was with a girl he didn't like. I was disappointed because..why isn't it me?

Anyway, I had a rather different new year's eve. I got lost on a train. I wouldn't panic at all if I had gotten onto the wrong MRT in Sg, but it does panic me when I get onto the wrong train in Wales, especially when it's not very early and on NYE. There was a high chance that I'll end up sleeping on the road for the rest of the night and the whole of tomorrow since there won't be any buses/trains running on NYD. I was actually supposed to catch a train that goes towards the eastern direction, but ended up boarded the train that came on to same track which was going west.

Because of this, I missed my miserable little hope of having dinner in another town (after I failed to embark on my exciting hotel trip), and ended up spending more than 2 hours in the train sleeping. Sigh...

That's how I spent my NYE.

Wanted to spend some lovey dovey time with Dearie, but it became a major turn off when he said my hair smells of food and then dozing off a while later. Grrr....

Haven't blogged anything abt Xmas and my bday because it was spent in the most miserable way u can ever think of.

And I do notice that I haven't been blogging for a while. I did blog, but halfway through, I tend to delete everything away, accounts to why there hasn't been any entry.

Ok. I'm gonna go shower now. Forget abt the lovey dovey time. Not in the mood for it already after the nasty comment.

Happy New Year 2008 everyone. I'm sure it's not gonna be a good yr for me, and I'm not looking forward to it...but aiyah..hopefully it'll be a good one for u.