Life alone again

He's left. I rather think of it as being for good.

I didn't send him off. Instead, I pretended to be asleep when he's doing his last minute packing. I have weeped enough over the past few days, and I don't like the idea of weeping this morning before going to work with my swollen eyes.

We spent some time talking before I dozed off, and I have made it clear that I don't think our "relationship" is going to get any better...I'll just let time wash away my remaining feelings for him. If our conflicts and problems have been solved in the beginning, it wouldn't end up being what it is today. I know I have lost my will to resolve anything, and have given up on us when I told him I see no point in talking anymore about our "relationship".

He said he regretted choosing to go home to celebrate CNY instead of being here with me, but sadly, I no longer trust what he says.

I was planning to go to China and celebrate CNY with him. I wanted to accompany him back to China, so that we can go to the airport and take a long flight together. But my fucked up surgical rota didn't allow me to take leave during that period, and I wasn't able to swop calls with others too. The reasons which hurt me the most was...
1. when he said it wouldn't be a good time to have me around when there's a lot of relatives going to his place, since he thinks it's not nice to ask to be excused halfway to bring me out
2. his insistence on having to be home on the eve to have reunion dinner when I tried to ask if it's ok to go back at the end of Feb because that's the only time I can take my leave

He said I didn't understand why he wanted to be home for reunion dinner, saying that he hasn't celebrated CNY for 2 years and said things are different for me even though I've not had CNY for 6 years because CNY in Sg isn't like in China. That hurts.

Yes, I don't like home visiting during CNY, and neither do I like guests in the house, but I have my family too..and I do miss having dinner with them. Does it matter if I'm from a country that's less traditional? Reunion dinner is still the same everywhere.

Honestly, his insistence of being back by CNY eve, leaving me alone here made me feel abandoned. He said he'll talk to me during CNY online, but I know that's not ever going to possible. I did cry a little when he was so adamant abt his decision, but said nothing more.

It was pointless to say anything because I knew where I stand in the first place, and now that our "relationship" has gone downhill drastically, it was useless to force things. His family is important, and I am not expecting to be on par with them...in fact....despite him telling me that he loves me...I have never felt part of being "his family".

I gave up 2 weeks of holiday to go to Scotland with him instead of going home. I stayed in the UK during my bday, thinking that I'll be able to celebrate it with him, but ended up with nothing except sobbing under my blanket.

I don't think CG and I have lost the "dating excitement" because we've been together for some time, but because there was nothing to begin with, and my heart died along the way.

I didn't even realise that Valentine's day was coming until I saw lovey dovey bears and chocolates in the hospital's little shop. Suddenly, V day doesn't seem to be an occasion for me to be excited about, and neither am I excited about it. I know what was coming, and it'll just be another day like any other.

For 2 years, it has been so for every single occasion u can think of.

Sadly, the only time I smiled and felt warmed was when a male colleague I often talk to bought me a box of chocolates and wrote me a happy bday note when he found out when he heard my female colleagues saying when my birthday was.