R they just tests or just hints?

I've been feeling mentally tired recently. So much has been going on between Dearie and Me for a long time.

He's finally back, but together with it, were more problems. He's living with me, and the hospital accomodation department isn't pleased abt it. Had a ring from them today, and they're going to charge me simply because I have a guest in my room staying for more than a week. No doubt I'm upset about the charges, but the reasons were just unacceptable. Besides, the staff who spoke to me was rude. Her "You refused to let the cleaner into your room by putting up a Please Do Not Disturb sign just showed that you have something to hide" enraged me and therefore, gave me ample reason to lodge a major complaint. I will not let this matter rest, and according to my British colleague, the way that staff spoke to me was racial discriminating, because why am I accused of having something to hide and have to be watched by domestic staff instead of my other fellow housemates? And even she thinks it's rude and this should be reported.

Anyway, I don't really like to think of people being racist..too sensitive an issue, but nevertheless, racism issues aside, I still have a list of reasons to why I should make a big complaint.

I wanted to keep this matter from Dearie, but was so upset when I came home today that I blurted it out. I was intending to pay the few hundred pounds out of my own pocket, but Dearie said we'll split the cost.

Was taking a stroll last night with Dearie. And he said I've become quieter and smiling lesser ever since I've started work. Actually, it's not because I'm not happy at work. There are just numerous issues bogging me down, and my relationship with Dearie is a major reason.

I know I was feeling miserable when he wasn't around, but now that he's back, sometimes I wished I hadn't told him to come back. I have been selfish to put him through all the trouble of typing out CVs, job hunting, etc. I questioned myself endlessly about why did I even exist in his life to make his life difficult. I asked myself why am I not strong enough to be fully independent like how I used to be. I asked myself why am I forcing him to work abroad using a foreign language when he can be having it easy back home using his home language and securing a good position.

There's nothing which I can offer him, and like his Dad said, he isn't blessed with a good life because he's got a Singaporean as his first girlfriend and because of me, Dearie is unable to settle down comfortably in China and has to constantly worry about our future. Because of me, he has to leave his comfortable life in China to go to the UK, where he's got no family support, no proper food, no close friends...in short, to suffer.

His Dad's comments did hurt a lot when Dearie told me, and it has made me want to end our relationship even more.

I'm envious of friends whose other half is Singaporean. And sometimes, I do dread myself for commiting so much into this relationship. In fact, it's more than just a relationship now, and each time I thought of ending it, I hesitate because of the responsibilities I have towards him.

I cannot understand why things are never smooth for us, and even if we don't quarrel, things will happen to try and pull us apart.

I have been having doubts about marriage now. Sounds odd, but I'm starting to feel frightened when I think about it...maybe because I don't know if it'll work out afterall.

I'm not sure if all these problems I face with him are just tests to our relationship, or are they just hints from above that we're not meant to be.

But it's really mentally draining at the moment.

So much for planning

I dragged my annual leave application because I wanted to wait for his return so that I can spend it fully with him.

I spent months sourcing for places because I know by the time he returns, it'll be too late for real planning.

I was excited. I was so looking forward to it.

But now, I feel like a complete idiot. I have no idea why I bothered to make plans for us. I don't know why I chose to spend my annual leave with him, when I could just be utterly selfish and care only abt spending time with my family by going home.

This trip, to me, is a rare chance for us to spend quality time together and cast everything aside. It is an opportunity I treasure. To me, it's a trip to celebrate our belated 2nd anniversary and therefore, means a lot. But I think it's probably only me who is thinking that way, because I'm the only one feeling excited abt it all.

I'm disappointed and upset since I'm the person planning, sourcing and booking everything, while Dearie doesn't even care much. All he does everyday is just surfing for jobs and websites that interests him or to upgrade his computer. It hurts very badly to be left alone to do these things when it's supposed to be a 2-person thing...and what more..an anniversary trip..not a "Michelle wants a trip..so I'm tagging along" excursion.

Dearie said before that he knows how hurt I am abt numerous things, and will try very hard to make it up, but these few days just proved to me that they're all honeyed words.

I'm sick and tired of all this..and to be honest, I dont think I'll want to plan another trip with him. Maybe it's only right that I become selfish and care more abt myself and my family before him. It's just not worth it at all.

Brilliant Weekend

If only every weekend is like this...sigh...life would be great (apart frm being broke..hee)

Dearie's back! My long awaited wait is over :)

Had a wonderful weekend in Cardiff, living life all over again like my days as a student except living in a good quality hotel..the Marriott.

I was indulging in hugs and kisses from Dearie, and being pampered with numerous gifts like chocolates and souvenirs Dearie bought for me in Korea and America.

I reckon I must have lost quite a bit of weight after having my nurses commenting, and Dearie was kinda shocked when he saw me, saying that I am so skinny now that I need to be fattened up immediately, accounting to why he went "Let's drop the bags and I'll take you for a nice dinner" after giving me a big hug. He, on the other hand, have put on so much weight that I advised him to go for a diet..ahaha. I've shrunk...he's grown..and we do agree that our sizes are compatible now that we've looked at ourselves in the mirror.

It was a lot of food indulgence over the weekend, and I think my food intake has gone down compared to before (not good obviously). But things were just perfect. Dearie was terribly sweet to me...food was great...the bed was so huge and comfy..the only thing we missed enjoying was the complimentary access to the leisure centre where we get to swim and enjoy the sauna and spa...bleah.

There'll be a next time, I'm sure as Dearie and I are looking forward again to go to Cardiff sometime.

And my annual leave is coming soon!!!!!! Woohoo!!! Can't wait!!!! I'm so looking forward to sleeping in in hotels....

In need of a lazy holiday..


13th Nov in Singapore now..a msg to a friend:

Happy Birthday :) I'm glad that everything is going well for u and that your students are bringing you joy. May many more happier things come your way soon..

He's back!

This is so last minute. Received a sms frm Dearie the day before yesterday, telling me that he's coming back on Friday (today).

It was madness trying to find a hotel in Cardiff when it's so last minute, and I ended up booking a costly one simply because I haven't got a choice. Sigh..sheesh...it's gonna be hell of a lot of money spent this weekend.....but I told Dearie I'll pay for it since I'm earning (honestly, my heart hurts forking that crazy amt of money...and it hurts even more to see my hp bill escalate from the usual 20 pounds to more than a 100 pounds every mth now since I was calling him everyday when he's in China)

Anyway, money issues aside. At least I know the hotel is of a good quality, and that gives me more reason to laze in the room on a weekend. HA! How can I not treasure my moments in Cardiff having Dearie next to me (yay...finally!!!!!)? I must make sure we spend quality time together, and not have all our friends coming to our room all the time to ruin our "mini honeymoon" (I'm damn scared lor..each time they come..they don't leave till like 3-4am...and by the time they leave, Dearie and I will just plunge straight into bed and sleep without even having our usual daily night chats)

My week has been so horrible, that I'm very keen for a good good rest and lazing around...and of cos..some shopping..I desperately need some clothes.

Now you know why...

Now I understand why doctors are always seen as being grumpy. And I don't deny that I do get very grumpy too, especially when I'm on call. There's only 4 medical doctors covering the entire hospital plus new admissions. How can we ever be free enough to attend to rubbish stuffs?

Clearly, medical attention is needed if the patient complains of sudden chest pain, shortness of breath, etc. But it gets on my nerves whenever I'm bleeped endless for rubbish such as venflons (it's one of those things that is put into the arm for drips), bloods, blood culture etc.

Why does it piss me? Because there are new patients who are ill and needs to be seen quickly, and things like venflons can be done by nurses, but NO! Nurses in the UK do NOT do venflons or take bloods. Apparently, I heard that they have to undergo courses to be qualified to take bloods and do venflons...bloody hell. I didn't go for any course, but just because I'm a doctor, rightfully, it's me who should do it all the time? And it pisses my ass off further whenever they tell me it's URGENT...when I don't even see how urgent it should it. Is the patient having a cardiac arrest? NO! Is the patient in acute cardiac failure that medications should go in immediately? NO!

Then if that's not enough, you get nurses bleeping you to do rubbish reviews...let me give you a few examples...(my thoughts in italics)

Example 1:

Nurse: Doctor, I got a patient here shouting, and lying half naked on the floor, refusing to get up..

Me: Ok. And what's that got to do with me?

Nurse: I don't know what to do. Nobody knows what to do. So bed manager said to bleep u and ask u to review

Me: ?!?!?!!??! (siao ah...what u want me to do if he doesn't want to get up? U want me to bring a cane and tell him to stop being a pain and get his ass off the floor before I wack him like a kid?)

Example 2

Nurse: Doctor, this patient is coughing and bringing up green sputum. Daughter (an anaesthetist) is extremely concerned and said her Dad needs doctor's review URGENTLY.

Me: Why is it urgent? Has he gone blue? How is he currently?

Nurse: Don't know. The patient is fine. Everything is stable.

Me: Ok, so if he's well in himself, then why does it have to be urgent.

Nurse: His daughter insists that it is urgent.

Me: Sorry, but I have other more impt things to do now. That has to wait. It's not urgent. (Siao...very urgent meh? If the daughter cannot wait, ask her to examine and manage the patient herself. If every patient in the hospital is bringing up green sputum and that needs urgent reviewing, then I wont get anywhere the entire day manz..)

Example 3

Nurse: Doctor, I got a patient here who is complaining of sweating last night for abt 10 mins. Needs reviewing.

Me: Huh? That was last night's issue. So why u bleep me for?

Nurse: Because she sweat last night.

Me: Yes, I know. But why r u bleeping me abt her sweating? Is it happening again? Is she feeling unwell? What's her obs chart like?

Nurse: She's fine doctor. No complaints. No sweats today. Everything is stable.

Me: (Piangz...it's just sweating. I'm also sweating now. Shall I ask my seniors to come review me too?)

Example 4
(My senior was bleeped for this..)

Nurse: Doctor, I got a patient who is aggressive. Nobody dares to go near him. He needs reviewing.

Doctor: He needs sedation then.

Nurse: But no one dares to go near him.

Doctor: Then what u want me to do?

Nurse: U can help prescribe something..

Doctor: That's no problem. But even if I prescribe it, how are u going to give it when no nurse is willing to go near him? You mean u want me to go all the way there to help u give him the medicine?

Example 5:

Nurse: Doctor, my patient got a swollen testicle. Needs reviewing.

Me: Is it new?

Nurse: No..it's been there for months..

Me: Then why does it need reviewing since it's been there for such a long time?

Nurse: It's red..

*Me streaming to the ward and looks into the notes*

Me: The testicle has been swollen and red since ages ago. What's new abt it?

Nurse: I think it needs to be seen because it's still red.

Me: (Since u so free to sit in the room and drink ur coffee, why not u review it yourself? I am more than happy to give u this stupid task)

Example 6:

Nurse: Doctor, the MEWS score (it's a score given for a patient's observation chart which includes things like heart rate, respiratory rate, blood pressure, temperature) is 4. Patient needs to be reviewed.

Me: What is it before?

Nurse: It has always been 4 for weeks.

Me: It's nothing new then. Why did you bleep me for?

Nurse: Hospital policy to bleep Doctors when MEWS hit 4.

Me: How's the patient?

Nurse: She's ok. Comfortable.

And if all that hasn't pissed u enough...

Wait till u get called to Emergency department to see a patient who has taken an overdose (not the 1st time) and saying she doesn't want to live. It did get my nerves, because to me, if the patient is keen on dying, why bother to get admitted?!

And then u get patients who is admitted into hospital telling u that she doesn't see a point in seeing a doctor if she is ill because she's already old. The first thought that struck me was... "What the hell u're doing here wasting your and my time? U can go home NOW if u want."

I thought I'm the only mean person thinking that way. I was sharing my frustration over such people to some of my nurses, and telling them that sometimes, I feel guilty of my horrible thought (I can't help it..) and I bet I'll be a very very blunt Consultant if I should ever be one one day. I was surprised when one of the nurses told me that one of the Consultants who used to work in my current hospital is the most blunt doctor ever. She found it hard to close up her jaws when she heard what he said to the patient. Apparently, he was doing his post admission ward round, and was seeing this patient who was admitted with repeated overdose attempts (the hospital staff were so used to seeing this patient...well known..) and was not keen on living. And the Consultant said, "Then why are u in here wasting my time? Why didn't u just finish yourself off at home once and for all? Why even bother to call the ambulance? Since u want so much to die, you can go home now and do it one more time." That patient never returned ever again.

And u get patients who gets themself admitted into hospital because they fell down, got no pain or bruise and feels perfectly well. Stupid isn't it?

If that's not bad enough...we even got patients getting admitted into hospital because "Doctor, my Dad hasn't been well for many years and I am stressed out with having to take care of him. I think he needs help in being looked after." (Ay Auntie..u think the hospital is a place like a childcare centre isit?)

Some patients stay in the hospital for months because the family isn't willing to take the patient home.

And some patients love being in hospital so much because they're lonely at home, so they get themselves admitted for every small damn thing just so that they can stay in and make new friends and get attention from the hospital staff.

Was telling my seniors that these rubbish only happens because healthcare is free here. The people get admitted into hospital for no good reason, and they stay longer than they should for no good reason too. I dare say some of them rather live in the hospital than to go home. I personally think that it's fine if patients are given treatment and investigations for free since the national insurance is so high here (I pay SGD $700+ EVERY MONTH for national insurance when I don't even see the doctor), but I think patients should be charged a fee whenever they want to admit themselves into hospital. I dare guarantee that the admission rate will drop drastically and rubbish admissions will come to an end because patients will think more than twice before they see a doctor.

我该怎么走？

船到了桥头，自然就会直吗？只要努力，就会得到成果吗？

我很困惑。我知道自己要的是什么，也清楚我想到哪里去。可是我不知道应该怎么才能让这些实现，什么时候我才能安心地睡个好觉。

你说只要努力就可以了，可是我看不到前面的路，我看不到我所要的结局。我又怎么能专心地继续努力前进呢？

我只希望上天会开个路让我们走。