R they just tests or just hints?

I've been feeling mentally tired recently. So much has been going on between Dearie and Me for a long time.

He's finally back, but together with it, were more problems. He's living with me, and the hospital accomodation department isn't pleased abt it. Had a ring from them today, and they're going to charge me simply because I have a guest in my room staying for more than a week. No doubt I'm upset about the charges, but the reasons were just unacceptable. Besides, the staff who spoke to me was rude. Her "You refused to let the cleaner into your room by putting up a Please Do Not Disturb sign just showed that you have something to hide" enraged me and therefore, gave me ample reason to lodge a major complaint. I will not let this matter rest, and according to my British colleague, the way that staff spoke to me was racial discriminating, because why am I accused of having something to hide and have to be watched by domestic staff instead of my other fellow housemates? And even she thinks it's rude and this should be reported.

Anyway, I don't really like to think of people being racist..too sensitive an issue, but nevertheless, racism issues aside, I still have a list of reasons to why I should make a big complaint.

I wanted to keep this matter from Dearie, but was so upset when I came home today that I blurted it out. I was intending to pay the few hundred pounds out of my own pocket, but Dearie said we'll split the cost.

Was taking a stroll last night with Dearie. And he said I've become quieter and smiling lesser ever since I've started work. Actually, it's not because I'm not happy at work. There are just numerous issues bogging me down, and my relationship with Dearie is a major reason.

I know I was feeling miserable when he wasn't around, but now that he's back, sometimes I wished I hadn't told him to come back. I have been selfish to put him through all the trouble of typing out CVs, job hunting, etc. I questioned myself endlessly about why did I even exist in his life to make his life difficult. I asked myself why am I not strong enough to be fully independent like how I used to be. I asked myself why am I forcing him to work abroad using a foreign language when he can be having it easy back home using his home language and securing a good position.

There's nothing which I can offer him, and like his Dad said, he isn't blessed with a good life because he's got a Singaporean as his first girlfriend and because of me, Dearie is unable to settle down comfortably in China and has to constantly worry about our future. Because of me, he has to leave his comfortable life in China to go to the UK, where he's got no family support, no proper food, no close friends...in short, to suffer.

His Dad's comments did hurt a lot when Dearie told me, and it has made me want to end our relationship even more.

I'm envious of friends whose other half is Singaporean. And sometimes, I do dread myself for commiting so much into this relationship. In fact, it's more than just a relationship now, and each time I thought of ending it, I hesitate because of the responsibilities I have towards him.

I cannot understand why things are never smooth for us, and even if we don't quarrel, things will happen to try and pull us apart.

I have been having doubts about marriage now. Sounds odd, but I'm starting to feel frightened when I think about it...maybe because I don't know if it'll work out afterall.

I'm not sure if all these problems I face with him are just tests to our relationship, or are they just hints from above that we're not meant to be.

But it's really mentally draining at the moment.