"We both love each other very much and think a lot for each other, but we still quarrel because we haven't understood each other that well yet. We express things differently" he said, when we woke up from our nap.

Apparently, we had a quarrel on the phone and I was wrong for saying those things to him when my anger got the better of me. Ok, I had those thoughts in my head for quite some time, and have got very sensitive whenever he mentions anything about China. I can't help thinking that he'll go back to China, and that spells the end of us.

And that has been our quarrels over the past few days too.

Yesterday, I was in the hospital, contemplating if I should wait 3 hours just to speak to a Consultant for 10 minutes, to "beg" for a job in the University Hospital. I know it's foolish of me to being so insistent when the Uni Hospital is well-known for a lack of staff support, lack of proper teaching and insane working hours. It only looks on the CV to be working in the biggest hospital in Wales. But that's not my reason for wanting to be there. I don't know if CG will be in UK next year, but I don't want to bang on the idea that he's definitely going back and hence, I am trying to make the best plans for us should he get to stay in UK. That would mean I'll have to try to stay in Cardiff so that I can travel to see him regularly.

I do know what combination I want, but because of transport issues and him, I made a compromise by limiting my scope. I know this is absolutely stupid, because why am I making a sacrifice for him when I'm just his gf? I should place my entire career before him, but I cannot do it. I know I need him, and it's extremely selfish of me to care only abt myself.

I did almost everything I could to try to get a place, but waiting 3 hrs without a clue abt whether it will make a difference to my fate seems kinda silly. CG thinks it's pointless since there's no guarantee, and that I should go home.

But I guess I called him at the wrong time. He was dealing with some programming problems, and was sounding quite frustrated. We spent more than half an hr quarreling over the phone because after hearing how he sounded when I told him that I am not sure about whether I should wait, I felt that he didn't care much at all. It suddenly felt like that all my effort for the past few weeks are all for nothing/just for myself.

And during our quarrel, I said, "You don't care because u are already mentally prepared to go back to China for good! You already know that u're going to leave me because you know your chances of doing your PhD and finding a job here is slim, and that's why u think it's pointless that I am doing all this for us!!!"

I've hurt him with these words, and when I got home, he completely ignored me. I dozed off while waiting for him to finish his conversation with his Mum. I wanted to say "Sorry".

It was great because we both dozed off after he ended his convo with his Mum, and have cooled down after the nap. I could see how hurt he was because his tears rolled when I apologised for saying those nasty things. He said he's trying very hard, and haven't been sleeping much because he wants to finish his dissertation asap and start finding a job so that he can stay with me here. He has been spending weeks with his PhD application because of me. And he's doing all that for us, but I just destroyed everything with those things I said.

Told him that I was sorry for my sensitivity over the past few days/weeks, and he said he understands fully about why I am feeling this way, how much the job mattered to me, and how much I have done for both of us.

"We both love each other very much and think a lot for each other, but we still quarrel because we haven't understood each other that well yet. We express things differently." he said, while hugging me.

That's indeed very true.

Anyway, we've made up again..and I will watch what I say next time. I am still feeling guilty over what I did to him.

Losing direction

I felt like I was placed in some pressurised cooker wanting to explode anytime yesterday. My mind was racing with the numerous problems I'm facing at the moment, and most importantly, struggling to find my direction because I fear I'm losing it.

It was instant relief when Dearie came to my room to ask me what I'll like to have for dinner. I just hugged him and refused to let go. My tears threatened to pour, but fortunately, it was only a few drops after much control.

"Let's go out for a walk" he said, and so we did.

On the way to the Indian restaurant, I was allowed to say out my thoughts. Told Dearie that I'm losing my direction, and I feel that everything is closing up on me, so much so that there is nothing that keeps me going, or make me feel like living another day in UK. I don't feel enthusiastic about anything because there is nothing I feel quite certain about, and as a result, I've been feeling more and more insecure these days. I'm tired of having to always find solutions which will only settle problems temporarily for everything. I'm tired of self-consoling. Basically, I just want to move on to a phase in life and settle down ASAP! This phase has been long enough.

Academic...

It's tough enough to pass every module at first go in med sch, and after 3rd year, there are no resits. It looks glam and prestigious when u tell others know u're doing Medicine, but no one ever thinks about how demoralised med students feel. 'A's got us in, and when our friends doing other courses are talking about Honours, all we dare hope for is a pass in med exams. How does it feel seeing 50-60% scores when u've always been a 70+% scorer before uni?

And just when med exams are tough enough to pass, u have intelligent classmates who make it worse for u. You might come back with 90% one day for a paper, but someone else will be back with 91%.

Then as time passes, u realise that all u can be happy abt is to get through all papers smoothly and not take any resits, cos resitting is just so common in med sch, and if u don't have to do any, u're good. But with the new MTAS (a new job application system for Medicine), it isn't just about passing anymore. U suddenly get plunged into the ranking system whereby results matter again.

Jobs....

I am desperate to stay in Cardiff, not because I love this place, but because I have huge problems with transport all the time, and my parents are still against me buying a car. Plus there are many more issues to think abt apart from just buying a car. This country taxes u like mad over EVERYTHING!

I've applied for places which I really have to go, and honestly, the place is even more important than my job combination at the moment. It shouldn't be this way, but I haven't got much of a choice.

And just when I'm feeling shit enuff abt the whole thing, MTAS makes it worse because the score matters again. I didn't do very well for the score, and I'm not surprised if I don't get any of my choices. I can't do much to fight for it either even if I have a valid reason, because only marriage certificates and family commitments are considered valid. I know this sounds funny, but when I brought this topic up to CG, he actually said if it will make things easier for us, we'll get registered straight away in UK. I was tempted to do so, but that would also mean our parents will be kept in the dark abt it, and I don't feel good not telling them. It's afterall, a lifelong decision.

I felt pissed abt the job application because I know where I want to be, and what I want to do. But various things just make it so difficult for me, yet there's nothing much I can do for myself about it. I have a simple ambition. I just want to be a doctor doing a specialty I like, and doing what I can for mankind, and teach medical students in future, but why is it so difficult to even make this simple ambition real?

A clinical teacher of mine told me that I should publish papers when I start working, if I want a good job. I was disappointed when I heard about that, because I realise I'm on the same path with them, but having a different aim. I'm happy to do something for my patients and make Medicine alive for students I hope to teach in future, but research has never been my interest. I don't want to spend my entire career years writing papers, trying to publish as much as can. I know having papers published is an achievement and it contributes to improving healthcare, and therefore, it's indirectly helping patients. But how many of those papers are written with the thought that it would make a difference to patients? How many of those papers being published have significant results? How many results of those published papers make a difference? Papers are just for people to prove their point, or to argue against another point, but there is no actual meaning to all this argument. So if there isn't any much significant meaning, why publish?

Also, how many of these people who publish papers do so because they want to help patients by doing such a research? Most are just doing it because they want to climb the ladder faster, boost their CV, and to earn lots of money as soon as they can. It's all for their own selfish reasons!!! Fame and wealth!!!

And just because I'm in the same line, I have to be dragged down into this rubbish regardless of whether I like it or not, just in order to keep myself living in the medical world. I can choose to ignore about publishing papers, but that will mean staying stagnant in the same position, and being stagnent means there is a limit to what I can do for patients, because those above me will be the ones instructing me to carry out what they say.

I can sense this self-hatred building up within me. I hate myself for joining the "publication league", doing things which are meaningless and for selfish reasons.

Friends...

I haven't got any whom I really regard as a friend despite being here for so many years. There isn't any whom I want to share my happiness and sadness with. Friends play a huge role in supporting u, but since I don't have any, what can I do abt it? There just isn't anyone here whom I feel that I can trust.

Boyfriend...

He's my trusted person here, and even though we quarrel quite a bit, I'm still thankful for having found him here. He's the reason I talk, the reason I smile. But after being reliant on him for 2 years, we're still going separate ways after my graduation. I don't know where he'll be, but I know for sure, we'll be separated. He said no matter where he is, we're still together. I know he's not lying, but how long will that be? If he's in UK, I can look for him, but if he goes back to China, I won't be able to see him again. Where will this relationship be heading then?

Being 25, girls who are attached can somehow foresee their future with their bf, while I can't. I can't think about marriage even though he has talking a lot abt it these few days. I can't think about having kids too.

I am just stuck, and I cannot move on to the next phase.


Be it studies, job, rship....I'm stuck in the same position. I can't feel myself moving, and even if I am, I'm moving without a direction because there doesn't seem to be any. It's even affecting my sleep now, and I seriously need to find a direction before I can get myself down to doing anything proper.

The baby that melts my heart..awwwww....

I melted the moment my darling showed me photos of his good buddy's daughter...and I'm so deeply in love with her. Was telling him that I have this compulsion of wanting to rush to Mothercare to buy her some pretty clothes...haha..

Don't you just think she's lovely? So chubby and happy...!!!!

*sheesh..I want a baby too...*

Can you, as a girl, not feel disappointed if u know this yr's V day is unplanned just like last yr's?

Ok. I kinda expected it, so I went to plan it instead. Honestly, I didn't feel that disappointed abt it until I told him, "Can we have a date tmr for dinner? By the way, do u have anything planned for us?" and then hearing "No, I didn't plan anything."

My heart sank. I know I shouldn't, since I had already planned something for us, but I'm still disappointed...because last yr's V day didn't even feel like V day. I thought perhaps this year would be different, but no.

It doesn't help to know that even our 1st anniversary celebration was planned by me. Why is it that I'm always the one doing this? Why is it only me that gets excited and bother doing something?

I understand that he's busy. So am I. He's pressed for time to finish his dissertation, but how is compared to me when I have to finish my drastically long case portfolio (i've done like 48 pages and it's still 3/4 done only) and a powerpoint presentation by this Thursday?

I didn't spend a lot of time planning for tmr, but at least I made an effort to think abt it, and try to do something. Despite having almost no time for myself (I'm farking tired!!!!!), I still bothered to treasure like 20 mins just to rush into a shop to buy a card and a present. I don't think it's that difficult to spare just some time to surprise someone...plus I'm not unreasonably hard to please on this....yet....

Totally ruined my mood for the day, and I still got piles of work to do and things to settle. My life is really miserable these few days..and it just isn't getting any better.

Right. So my wish for heavy snow did come true in a nasty way. I was definitely asking for too much, and I almost paid a price for it.

A blizzard occurred today. BLIZZARD...not just normal snowfall enough to cover the place in white!!!!

I had to walk 30 mins in the blizzard (and thank goodness I was asked to leave the clinic early when the doc realised I don't have a car) from clinic to the main bus station because this kind woman I met at the bus stop specially came to tell me that the bus isn't operating due to bad weather.

Thank goodness I wore a sweater beneath my thick jacket, instead of my usual underdressed attire for winter (I was still underdressed though..), but I was freezing like mad. Couldn't even talk, and my feet were so cold that I couldn't feel my toes anymore. The ground was slippery and it was a nightmare having to make sure I don't slip and fall, plus enduring the tormenting cold while my feets immersed into the thick white snow.

I promised my bf that I'll be back when the snow falls and I told myself that I MUST make it back no matter how tough it is. That kept me going in the cold. My feet were hurting so badly that I could hardly walk at one point, but it was the thought of him that kept me moving.

Finally, I made it to the bus station, covered in snow. I knew I must have looked like a snowman and had to shake off all the snow that has accumulated over my bag and head, just so that others won't be laughing at me.

I caught a glimpse of the coach, and I thought I'm saved, but the driver said bus services are all terminated, and because the weather is so bad, the motorway is jammed, accidents have occurred, and if we leave the station, we might end up getting stuck on the road for hours. Plus it is extremely dangerous as the coach drivers were saying that it's too slippery to drive safely.

The driver did try to get back to Cardiff, but it was just impossible. The bus was sliding off the road even when we weren't even 5 minutes into the journey. The traffic wasn't moving one bit at all and he had to tell us to find an alternative way back.

I was very scared that I can't make it back. I didn't want to break my promise. And most importantly, I forgot to bring my debit card!!! All I had was 5 pounds, and if I can't get back to Cardiff, I knew I'll have to sleep in the streets. And I had no food with me too.

I was freezing as I made my way to the train station. I didn't know if the trains have stopped operating. The buses and taxis have all stopped operating, and all I could think of was to put my last bet on the train.

I was touched that my bf cared lots for me because he rang me so many times to see if I managed to get onto a mode of transport safely. When he heard that I am stuck with only 5 pounds, he told me to stay put while he'll rush to catch a train to go and find me. My heart warmed instantly..I didn't expect him to wanna do this for me. But I knew I wasn't going to let him come over. It's simply too dangerous and the last thing I want is for him to endanger himself for me, and risk getting stuck in the middle of nowhere.

It was a mad rush up the train. I managed to pay for a ticket with no guarantee that it'll depart. It felt like as if people were running from some war..rushing up the train as quickly as possible to grab a seat.

I was lucky. I managed to get a seat..not very comfy..but I'm not grumbling. It was the last train to leave for Cardiff. The train operator said there are visual problems, so the train might not be leaving, but they'll try..which they did.

It was loud cheers and claps when the train started moving. I wasn't sure if I was ever gonna make it back, but at least, I'm a step closer.

My bf was extremely happy when he knew I got onto the train safely, and said he'll bring an extra sweater and wait for me at the train station because he heard me shivering like mad on the phone. Yup, my teeth were chattering endlessly.

Fortunately, the blizzard ended and I managed to get back to Cardiff safely. Didn't want my poor boy to get out in the cold to meet me, so I just told him to stay in the flat and wait for me to get home.

The moment he opened the door, I felt a great sense of relief. He gave me a very very big hug, and I felt totally like a baby. I couldn't talk at all...I was still shivering.

My toes and fingers were so painful and I couldn't do much with them. But my boy was really kind, helping me remove my shoes and socks, and getting me my set of dry warm clothes so that I can change into them before tucking me under his blanket. I felt so comfy that I dozed off, and got woken up by him to have a bowl of hot noodles which he cooked for me. He was guessing that I must be hungry, which I really was.

Sweetest conversation while I was tucked warmly....

Me: I was so scared that I'll not make it back to see you. What will u do? Will u really go and find me like u said?
CG: Yeah. I was already planning to catch a train to find u. I can't let u be alone out there.
Me: But what if the train isn't working?
CG: I can walk...it is extremely far I know. But as long as I can get to find u, I'll try every way to do so.
Me: Thanks. I'm really touched...and I know u will. But it's alright. I'm home now. By the way, even if u wanna walk...u can't. They sealed the motorway.
CG: Oh no..then there's no way..
Me: U can swim there and find me.
CG: Huh? I don't know how to swim there.
Me: If u don't, just ask the fishes, the Sea King or the mermaids for directions. They can help u. No, wait! I won't allow u near the mermaids. I'm afraid u'll be attracted to their beauty...hahaha.
CG: Full of rubbish...hahhhaha

I'm a lucky girl. Really lucky :)

I missed the first snow fall this year again and woke up feeling disappointed.

This year's snowfall is important to me, and despite feeling extremely exhausted, I wanted to stay up to wait for it, but because my cramps were so bad, I had to rest.

And when my darling woke up and looked out of the window this morning, he was amazed to see everywhere covered in white snow. He woke me up, and I felt really sad when I saw it. I missed it again this year.

The snowfall wasn't very heavy, so despite me taking the day off from school partly because of my bad cramps, we still couldn't go to the park to throw snowballs at each other. I want so badly to build a snowman with someone I love.

Hopefully it will snow very heavily during the weekend...