Finally got some luck to see the dentist today at the Emergency department of the Dental Hospital. My wisdom tooth is aching for the umpteenth time, and I thought I might as well take advantage of the free dental service in UK (the last time I paid $800 to get rid of 2!!!)

Had an xray and examination done and was told that I've got an infection. The dentists think my poor tooth isn't gonna grow out because it's obstructed by a molar, and hence, I'll probably go on to have uncountable more episodes of such toothache. Mind you, it hurts quite badly, and my neck is slightly swollen on one side. Didn't realise it until my boy commented. And now my neck is hurting plus I'm having a sore throat...all thanks to the tooth.

Will be awaiting an appointment to get the extraction done. And I'll be removing 2 again!!!! Argh...I'm wondering if they'll do a good job. I have heard people telling me how swollen one side of their face got after the surgery, and I definitely don't wanna end up swelling for a few days....not when it's so near to Xmas time when I'll probably have it done (why?!?!?!?! of all times!?!?!??!?!)

Do you know her? No!
Have you met her? No!

Then why are you siding her instead of me?!

Everyone thinks she's an angel, and of people, YOU are siding her too?!

Why do you say she's young and I should understand? Why is it that when I was her age, no one ever said I'm young and others should understand me?

Is it because I'm the eldest in the family, so I should be seen as being the most mature and understanding one?

I'm really hurt about the whole issue already, and now I feel worse because even YOU are on her side.

I shall blog before heading to the Humanities building to walk home with CG since he's gone to attend French class. Haha..he was still so excited over it for the past 2 weeks, and now that I'm back, he was kinda reluctant to go since he was comfortably lying on his bed chatting with me and it's raining today too..best weather to laze.

Have cooked his long-awaited fried rice, so he'll be able to have a nice meal when we come back.

He's been the sweetest ever since I came back, and it's really difficult not being beside him. I was so touched when he travelled all the way to Heathrow to meet me and help me with my luggage. Not that I am so weak that I needed help, but it was indeed nice to have my bf ard to chat with me while we waited for the coach back to Cardiff.

It was a long travel for him, and he didn't sleep the entire night. It's no wonder why he dozed off on the coach halfway through, and we just plunged into bed straight away after we got back to our room.

He was really sweet today too, walking me to the bus stop and watch me get on the bus before walking to university.

It wasn't long ago since we last had a big row, but nevertheless, I still feel blessed having him being by my side, and he has made my life in UK so much better. Definitely looking forward to our 1 yr anniversary next week. Hope it'll be a good one :)

It was touching to have Kelvin drive to my place last night for a catching up session. It came as a real surprise, and of all times...2am?! I thought he was probably drunk when he told me he's coming over.

It's been a very long time since we last met and the meet up was great. I haven't had a stroll around my place with someone for quite some time, and I was happy to have him chatting with me as we walked. It's been years since we last did that.

Went to our old time favourite hangout when we were together. Things were very much the same, except that we have both grown up. Shared our thoughts (and grievances..hahaha) about our relationship, and did a little comparison to how we were like together as a couple many years ago. It's amazing realising how common certain problems are in relationships. Sigh, would love to meet up with a few more times before I leave...but I doubt we can since time's really running out. I feel like I'm back to when I was 18 whenever I am out with him. Strange.

Had a real embarrassing moment when I went shopping in town today. Argh! Went to Biotherm and happily thought I can finally purchase a few products until the cashier told me my debit card is declined, and my credit card is expired. Piangz...I wanted so much to dig a hole and bury myself into it. I was so shy that I didn't even dare ask the salesgirl to touch up the make up she put on me. But anyway, I think I have found the RIGHT product, so if my bf doesn't mind (I doubt he will), I'll start to put make up when I go out with him in future.

Met up with Ruoz, Si'en and Shan this evening at Chinatown. Manz, that place is 2nd Geylang manz. I can't believe how many wolves were there, and how many hookers were around. ZAnd when we were about to catch a cab, we realised that quite a number of them had a sign "Geylang". Imagine if we were to board it, the wolves who were "scanning" us would have thought we had enuff of trying to hook anyone there, and have decided to head to Geylang to find more business. Sigh, since when did Singapore become a prostitute den?

This week has been pretty unpleasant...some of which I didn't blog about, and don't wish to either.

Typed a letter to my boy, and for unknown reasons, he got very angry with me. Till now, I don't know why despite reading it again n again. He said it's gotto do with the way I wrote it, and maybe the words I used. It wasn't meant to be offending, and definitely not my way to start an argument with him. Things got really nasty and I was really hurt about it. I just wanted to express my thoughts and feelings to him, but I guess it resulted in a huge misunderstanding. I have never thought of leaving him, even though I know our situation is a tricky one. I hope he knows this. There are so many things ahead of us, and the sad thing is I can't even foresee what's coming up. Everything is so unpredictable, and as a result, I can't plan my things properly, making myself really insecure on my side. The same goes for him, and I know..there are many things which he might find difficult to explain or might not even have an answer, and I started feeling insecure. He told me some of his plans, but I wasn't able to put my trust fully on the things he told me. It was very wrong on my part, yet at the same time, I had no idea how to overcome my insecurity. Maybe I need more time.

I don't know if what I told him mattered to him, or if he will ignore and forget abt it. But for now, I should be glad enough that we are alright and we're looking forward towards our 2nd "honeymoon" in London at the end of the month. Yup...London again, since I have got something important to attend there.

And he mentioned to me about going to Paris at the end of November. Both of us. I didn't think he was serious about it anymore when we had to cancel the plan during summer. I hope I'll be able to go this time. He said he wants to buy me a bag, since I've always wanted a good bag which I can use for everything. And I am touched abt the fact that he went surfing on the Net to see if there's any nice ones.

He showed me one of which he fancied...

It's gorgeous right? I loved it the moment I saw it, but because it's white, it'll get dirty in no time. The gold might tarnish with time too. Takes too much time and energy to maintain this bag. And also, I'll have to take note of my dressing each time I use it, which is not something I do much (no time and money to do so). So we decided to forget abt this one.

Honestly, I would really hope to have something else in exchange for a very expensive bag, even though I have to admit that I drool over these things and have been dreaming of owning a few. But the thing I want very much...can't be replaced by these.

Few more days before I am leaving, and sadly, I haven't met up with many people. Not sure if I'll be back in December. Am thinking of not coming home, and spend my xmas and bday with him, since it might be the first and last in next few years to come, but if he finally decides to visit Singapore at the end of the year, then I'm sure to be back.

More headaches when I go back to UK this time. The thought abt job application irks me. I'm starting to get worried about my grades because it has been dropping compared to the cohort despite the grades still being ok. Am so lost about what I should do abt it since I have really been working hard throughout the years. My grades might have an effect on which hospital I'll be working in, and even though it doesn't matter much as to where I'm working, I am hoping to stay in Cardiff so that it'll be easier to travel around to visit him if he stays in UK. I don't mind earning lesser and working harder just as long I get to see him regularly. My boy thinks it's time for us to go to the temple to pray for a good job posting when I return. I guess I'll really have to make more time to do so, and hope for a miracle to happen...and of course, for his miracle cum wish to come true too.

I am feeling much better today. And I'm glad that my eyes aren't swollen from crying last night.

In a way, I have to thank him for being online at the right time and cheer me up. My eyes were burning by the time he came online, but at least, he managed to make me smile and laugh while chatting with me.

I have to thank Kelvin for bothering to reply my message when I needed someone to talk to. Even though I didn't end up telling him why I was upset, I was touched by the fact that he replied really quickly throughout our chat despite him doing his tutorials on the other end.

Anyway, I guess I should come with terms with the fact that my "home" has changed. Not for the better, but that I no longer belong to this place as much as I thought and wished. I have to come to terms with the character of my Mum which I so dread, and having her mention another girl's name whenever she wants to comment about something about me. My cousin's name is somewhat history for the time being and I really felt much better about the whole thing, but now she has found someone else to replace that name. And of people, my brother's gf! I know I'm far from perfect, and comments will just go on forever, but I don't need to be compared to another person, and again, have my mum angering me when I don't know (again) if she knows who her OWN daughter is.

Mum mentioned before that my bro's gf is deprived of motherly love, and I know Dad dotes her because his daughter is far away from his side and because he's always been kind-hearted, and my brother...I don't think I have to say more. I hate the fact that people being deprived of love comes to my family, when now that I feel that I am more deprived than anyone else around them, being far away from home most of the time, and keeping everything to myself. I feel sorry for these people, and I am willing to share with them the love my parents give to me, but not when it makes me feel threatened and not part of the family anymore. I hate feeling insecure.

I was crying last night when...

Me: Lao gong, can u take me away from here?
CG: Haha..u'll be back here soon. And I'll dote on u when u're back. Where do u want to go?
Me: I don't know..

I guess it doesn't take a genius to see how biased my Mum is. Even Kelvin knew it when we were together 6 years ago. And I have longed lived with this fact. Mum used to say she's fair, but I know any parent who says that is just telling a lie. It's utter bullshit that any parent can be fair.

I guess my Dad knows about this, and hence, have been trying to be nice to me by saying he'll bring my abroad, buy me what I want, etc. I know he feels guilty that I have been deprived compared to my brother, and tries to make up for me with material needs which I have rejected. I don't want any of those things. It doesn't make me very much happier. I can have things I want as long as I don't feel guilty about spending the money, and dare to ask for it. But all that will never make me happy from within.

CG thinks my Dad loves me more than my Mum, and he's right. I think it's pretty obvious when I was in a crucial situation 2 years ago. Although I spent more time on the phone with my mum, but she was the person who made me feel worse when I was already feeling bad enough. It was Dad who flew immediately to UK to see me. I know Mum was having sleepless nights over me, but most of the time, she was scolding me on the phone. And I know there was no way she will ever fly over to see me, on the claims that she is scared of catching a flight alone. When Dad brought me home for treatment, he was the one who brought me to see the doctor on every occasion. Mum, again, can claim that she doesn't drive, but I'm sure she'll leave me to go catch a taxi myself if I had to turn up for my appointment unless I mention things like going for lunch or shopping afterwards. Not wanting to sound nasty, but honestly, Mum did almost nothing much for me at all when I needed it...and that was the time which proved it.

I have always thought my family was perfect to me, but it wasn't until I went to China that I realised it is indeed not. Although my boy comes from a broken family, he had more parental love than most people.

I can't wait to go back to UK now. Am counting down everyday. Even though I still dislike UK, but at least it'll take me away from here for a while. Seriously, I had enuff...so much so that it worries me that if I might think twice about whether if "This place is Home" in future.