I am feeling much better today. And I'm glad that my eyes aren't swollen from crying last night.

In a way, I have to thank him for being online at the right time and cheer me up. My eyes were burning by the time he came online, but at least, he managed to make me smile and laugh while chatting with me.

I have to thank Kelvin for bothering to reply my message when I needed someone to talk to. Even though I didn't end up telling him why I was upset, I was touched by the fact that he replied really quickly throughout our chat despite him doing his tutorials on the other end.

Anyway, I guess I should come with terms with the fact that my "home" has changed. Not for the better, but that I no longer belong to this place as much as I thought and wished. I have to come to terms with the character of my Mum which I so dread, and having her mention another girl's name whenever she wants to comment about something about me. My cousin's name is somewhat history for the time being and I really felt much better about the whole thing, but now she has found someone else to replace that name. And of people, my brother's gf! I know I'm far from perfect, and comments will just go on forever, but I don't need to be compared to another person, and again, have my mum angering me when I don't know (again) if she knows who her OWN daughter is.

Mum mentioned before that my bro's gf is deprived of motherly love, and I know Dad dotes her because his daughter is far away from his side and because he's always been kind-hearted, and my brother...I don't think I have to say more. I hate the fact that people being deprived of love comes to my family, when now that I feel that I am more deprived than anyone else around them, being far away from home most of the time, and keeping everything to myself. I feel sorry for these people, and I am willing to share with them the love my parents give to me, but not when it makes me feel threatened and not part of the family anymore. I hate feeling insecure.

I was crying last night when...

Me: Lao gong, can u take me away from here?
CG: Haha..u'll be back here soon. And I'll dote on u when u're back. Where do u want to go?
Me: I don't know..

I guess it doesn't take a genius to see how biased my Mum is. Even Kelvin knew it when we were together 6 years ago. And I have longed lived with this fact. Mum used to say she's fair, but I know any parent who says that is just telling a lie. It's utter bullshit that any parent can be fair.

I guess my Dad knows about this, and hence, have been trying to be nice to me by saying he'll bring my abroad, buy me what I want, etc. I know he feels guilty that I have been deprived compared to my brother, and tries to make up for me with material needs which I have rejected. I don't want any of those things. It doesn't make me very much happier. I can have things I want as long as I don't feel guilty about spending the money, and dare to ask for it. But all that will never make me happy from within.

CG thinks my Dad loves me more than my Mum, and he's right. I think it's pretty obvious when I was in a crucial situation 2 years ago. Although I spent more time on the phone with my mum, but she was the person who made me feel worse when I was already feeling bad enough. It was Dad who flew immediately to UK to see me. I know Mum was having sleepless nights over me, but most of the time, she was scolding me on the phone. And I know there was no way she will ever fly over to see me, on the claims that she is scared of catching a flight alone. When Dad brought me home for treatment, he was the one who brought me to see the doctor on every occasion. Mum, again, can claim that she doesn't drive, but I'm sure she'll leave me to go catch a taxi myself if I had to turn up for my appointment unless I mention things like going for lunch or shopping afterwards. Not wanting to sound nasty, but honestly, Mum did almost nothing much for me at all when I needed it...and that was the time which proved it.

I have always thought my family was perfect to me, but it wasn't until I went to China that I realised it is indeed not. Although my boy comes from a broken family, he had more parental love than most people.

I can't wait to go back to UK now. Am counting down everyday. Even though I still dislike UK, but at least it'll take me away from here for a while. Seriously, I had enuff...so much so that it worries me that if I might think twice about whether if "This place is Home" in future.