Friends have been telling me how much weight I have lost. I wouldn't say I have lost much, but I definitely look more sallow, with worsened dark eye rings and eye bags. A far cry from how one would expect a 29 year old working class female should look.

It's almost midnight and by right, I should be grabbing hold of every single minute I have left to catch some sleep. Then again, I guess it's more worthwhile spending some time to blog to try and maintain the limited sanity I have remaining.

I'm jaded at work. I really am. Sleep deprived. Mentally exhausted. Physically exhausted. Lonely. Unappreciated. Unsupported. There is no sense of satisfaction. I curse and swear when the morning alarm goes off, and wishing it was the end of a work day when I haven't even gone to the toilet to wash up. Fine, I admit I do grumble a lot whenever the morning alarm rings, but how I'm feeling now isn't normal. I need a break. A long one. I need a change.

I'm tired of having to work towards passing exams all the time (something is so darn wrong abt our local culture), tired of the endless admin which I have to do which doesn't make me a better doctor in any way. I'm tired of the doctor-nurses rivalry. I'm tired of treating patients who thinks I owe them a living.

Recently, I've been having more and more thoughts of quitting the system and go private instead. Like what I told Dear today, I might as well get paid a lot better to be unappreciated, since it's gonna be the same anywhere. But never once did I get down to drafting out my resignation letter. There r too many factors holding me back - dad's expectations of me, my deficiency in certain subspecialties, the insecurity of my future.

I wish I could pour all these out to someone who understand and can give me some serious advice and counseling. I know I'm slowly sinking into depression again, and I even had thoughts of seeking professional help, but I hesitated because I'm embarrassed abt having to see someone who is in the same profession as myself. Sometimes, I wish dad is in the medical field too, so at least I can share with him how I feel and seek some help. I feel like I'm at war alone and with myself on a daily basis. Even my sleep is disturbed.

I have ambitions; great ones in fact. Unfortunately, I am not unsure if I will ever achieve them at the rate I go, and as age catches up with me.

I'm going to get married in a few mths' time. And hitting 30 in about 2 mths is ringing bells for me. Ambitions and ideals I may have, but at the end of the day, I have duties of a female which I have to carry out. I have wishes of a female too. I wish to have a family of my own, to be able to see my husband and kid at the end of each day, spend my weekends with them and fulfill my duties of a wife. However, I'm not sure if all that is going to be possible with my current lifestyle.

Maybe I should talk to Dear and seek his opinion about me visiting a psychologist since I'm desperate for help (and I don't really want to see a psychiatrist...probably end up being stuffed with drugs and each follow up being a routine check of whether the drug effects are working). I need someone to listen and give me advice on how I should manage my problems, and how I should change my perceptions/expectations to make myself feel better.