Seriously wondering when I'll be able to go to sleep smiling and having nothing on my mind.

Being home so early and being alone in my room on a quiet night isn't making it any better. In a way, I feel alone, with a mind full of things.

It hasn't been a good year, and hopefully next year would be a better one.

One problem appears after another, and the number just increases like there's no end to it. The year's been mentally draining, and physically exhausting. There is only so much I can take (having difficulty expressing how I feel about things definitely doesn't help..), and I have lost count of the number of times I cried to sleep, the number of times I wish never to wake up, the number of times I wish to run away from it all..

And just when I thought things have got slightly better, Dad faced a major problem. Watching him being so stressed up abt the issue and being able to do nothing about it, makes me feel helpless and useless. I dont really want my parents to know how I feel about certain things, hence, I try to avoid being home or being "visible" at home. I don't fancy the idea of having them know my emotions.

I felt even more hurt abt the things Dad talked to me about during our lunch together on Sunday. I know my parents are disappointed with me in many, many ways...and I know that they're no longer proud of me as much as before. In fact, sometimes I would even query myself if my parents regrets my existence.

I don't talk much to them anymore. I don't feel as belonged to this family/home as I used to anymore. I still love my parents very much, and perhaps this is something my parents probably never knew. There's a lot of misunderstandings and things left unsaid between us..and I have given up talking about them.

In a way, it's pointless. Nobody at home ever asks me how I really feel abt anything anyway...

Finally, some light...

J and I are finally seeing some light with regards to our relationship.

I haven't been having an easy time managing both sides, many times of which I have, in fact, lost it. I've lost count of the number of times I've cried to sleep.

And my health succumbed.

Am now recovering from Pneumonia (yes, it's finally diagnosed after having taken a x-ray), and I've been pretty ill for the last few days.

J's been showing me a lot a lot of concern since my falling ill. He surprised me as well when he emailed Dad, asking for permission to visit me.

When my parents granted permission for him to enter the house (his name was not to even be mentioned in the house previously), I started crying. I felt a sense of relief, a sense of gratefulness, a sense of indescribable happiness. Although I was restricted to only seeing him in the living room, it was good enough.

"One day, when things are better, I'll be able to take you overseas for holidays" he said.

I hope that day will come soon..