A plate of fried rice with my favourite Xiao Long Bao brought back memories of my days with J.

I haven't had these in Crystal Jade for a very long time, partly because it brought back memories.

And 6 yrs later, served on the table were the fried rice and XLB, with him to enjoy them again with me.

Although the fried rice didn't taste as nice as before, it still brought back fond memories.

He asked to hold my hands during the bus trip back. And I obliged.

It was a familiar feeling. It has been a long time since I last felt it. I felt secure, but it had to end when we got off the bus.

I don't really know what I'm doing anymore....

Maybe I should move on.

I don't know if I have made the right decision. And I'm worried about making this decision, for I know that once it's made, it's a no turning back anymore.

CG has moved out. I've visited it, and it pains me seeing him moving to such a place to live. I hid my tears away when I was there. I wanted him to move back, but maybe he's happier being there than having to come back to see me everyday.

I tried asking for a patch up to no avail. I could tell that he was determined to give me up completely...and instead of trying further to clear the air, perhaps it's better for me to move on too.

J has been making advances, and it doesn't help knowing that I still feel for him after all these years. I was especially touched when he brought dinner/supper to my workplace, just so that I won't skip my meal during my call.

He has made his feelings clear to me. And I can tell that he is trying hard. I appreciate the fact that he's not forcing me to make a decision. But I think that ideally, I should be making my own stand, so that we can all get on with our lives if nothing is going to come out from it.

I've drawn a line between the both of us. Part of me wants to cross it, and give him the one chance he asks for. But the thought of CG just makes me take a further step back. I know I'm not ready when I pulled my hand away.

J's going to Aus soon for a few mths for training. "Maybe when I'm back, u'll have an answer for me.." he told me a few days ago.

I know I'll miss him. But I don't know how long is it going to take me to muster enough courage to overcome my fear (I don't want him to disappear on me again), and guilt. It'll be difficult to accept a person if I'm not able to do so, no?

I'm single again

Have I changed?

Lemon reminded me that I used to tell her that it's ok if I don't get married, and it's definitely a no to having kids. But now, here I am telling her that I'm getting worried now that I'm hitting the magical "3" soon.

I am back to being single, after close to 5 years. Long story.

It has come to a point where it's difficult to turn back.

Like Lemon said, time will tell. I don't have to make a choice now.

Perhaps staying single for a while will be good. My mind needs a rest. It's been a while.