I'm back! Back from my 2nd admission into hospital.

Was taking my meds for the back pain after being discharged the first time, and 3 days later, my stomach started hurting intensely. Again, it woke me up in the middle of the night. I've been having bouts of the tummy pain quite often ever since I've taken the meds, and I knew it must be because of the diclofenac.

Brought myself into the hospital where I'm working, and in A&E, it wasn't the best experience. Now I know why people rather AOR to go to a private hospital and why the disatisfaction rate is so high. Enough said. And I was glad to discharge myself and get myself properly admitted into Mt E instead.

I was seen by 2 surgeons, one for the tummy and another for my back. Had some scans done and I was told that I tore my back muscle. Had scans done as well for my tummy as well as a scope, and there we've got the answer - a big ulcer in the stomach.

Now that accounts to why I required Pethidine to relieve my pain and put me to sleep, despite me having a high pain threshold.

All likely due to the meds, but will have to wait for the biopsy results to decide if a repeat scope is required.

Oh, by the way, now that I've had a scope done myself. I've now experienced what my patients have experienced, and I must gladly say it's brilliantly done under sedation. The last thing I remembered while being conscious in the scope room was being given the sedation, and the next moment, the nurses patted me to tell me it's all over as I was being wheeled back to the wards.

Had Physio as well. The Physio assessed me, and she commented that my long term back problems (not the acute one) was due to me doing ballet in the past. That came as quite a shock actually because I have always thought that ballet would have strengthened my muscles a lot, and I thought everything's gone haywire because I've stopped doing ballet! She commented that my entire bodyweight has been placed on my toes when I walk, despite the heel being on the ground. That has caused a lot of pressure on my lumbar spine. And I was standing, walking and sitting in too straight a position, and I should learn to slouch a bit more. It felt weird when she was correcting my posture, because it felt as if I was hunching, when I'm actually not. It's gonna take a long while for me to get used to change, but I'll try. :)

Honestly, I'm really pleased to be admitted into Mt E this time. Although there was a few trivial issues which was below my expectations of a private hospital, I was impressed by the service and the doctors had bothered to make sure differentials were properly ruled out. Being a doc myself, I knew what was going on with myself, and I must have got a good reason for getting myself admitted in the first place. I needed someone to truly believe that there is something going on with me, especially when I was already needing Pethidine, rather than thinking at the back of their minds if I was exaggerating the amount of pain by displaying some acting skills to convince people around me that I'm an oscar winner in disguise. Not to mention, that I've stated time and time again that my pain threshold is high. Bah!

Anyway, this experience has really showed me quite a few number of things which will benefit me in my learning as a young doctor, and hopefully, the experience of my patients in future.

Which path?

Everyday, I'll be so exhausted after work that all I want to do is to go home and sleep. Going on dates with Dearie are lessening in frequency, and I haven't really spent quality time with him that I'm feeling pretty guilty about it.

It is no wonder why others are saying that it's difficult to be the other half of a doctor. Indeed, it takes a lot of understanding and the other party has to be very forgiving. Dearie hasn't grumbled abt me not spending time with him, even though I can tell that he's quite displeased and have gradually accepted that this is part of my job. But he has asked me before if this is the way I'm going to be for the rest of my life, and verbalised that he hopes for his kids to have a proper family life in future.

My trip to China this time wasn't the most enjoyable. Dearie and I were somehow disappointed because we were looking forward to this trip so much, thinking that we can finally spend some quiet moments and quality time together. But everyday, we're having family "reunion" dinners (I'm not grumbling abt it because it's expected...his family hasn't seen him for months). Out of the 2 weeks, we've only had a 2 person dinner twice. Although I didn't say anything, Dearie knew I was disappointed.

During the family gatherings, Dearie's parents brought up the topic of marriage. They wanted to find out abt when we plan to get married, where we're going to hold the dinner, housing etc. It was stressful enough a topic to discuss, and when Dearie's dad mentioned that he's waiting for Dearie to return to China to work for the government, it brought on more stress.

I didn't say anything, but my mind was whirling with thoughts. I couldn't help questioning why this was brought up again when we've already agreed on the decision that Dearie is staying in Sg. Dearie had a lot of private talks with his parents, which I was not allowed to join. He didn't breathe very much abt what was discussed, but something tells me that it's not very pleasant. And I was worried that my fears will come true.

Indeed, it somewhat did. Dearie started asking if I was willing to quit Medicine and be a housewife in China, if I was willing to go to UK/America to work, if I was willing to change my profession and move to China, how long will I take to be good enough to work in the foreign hospital in Beijing etc. We discussed abt my dilemmas, and thoughts regarding a break up was even mentioned! Perhaps he sensed that I was being pushed too much now, he ended the discussion with a "When u feel unhappy being at work, and think u've had enough, just tell me and we'll leave."

I've been thinking abt what he's said. Like Dearie said, I haven't been as happy now as how I was when he first knew me, and ever since I came back to Sg to work, I have become even unhappier. Discussed it with some of my colleagues, and obviously the females think it's a brilliant idea to not be a doctor and stay at home everyday. U bet they were trying hard to tell me why it's great being a "taitai".

I admit that working in Sg has made me lose some of my enthusiasm of being a doctor, but I have spent years studying like mad to come this far, and my ego isn't willing to let it go at this point. I'll be doing myself and my parents so much injustice if I were to quit Medicine and resign to being a housewife for the rest of my life. But because of my insistence and my ego, I am risking losing Dearie.

So here I am wondering what I should do. Mum is definitely against me quitting Medicine.

And I haven't made up my mind whether I want to do Medicine or A&E. I wanted to do A&E first before making my decision, and deciding on which exams I should take. But all my friends have taken or are taking exams already, and here I am still being undecided. I feel pressurised to take exams because of this, and I know it is not a good reason to be doing it. Like what JS told me, "Take the exams only when u know what u really want and when u feel prepared". I still have a few mths to prepare for it, and I think I can force myself to do it if I want to sit for the exam. But I am not sure if this is what I really want. Yet there are also colleagues who told me that it is no harm having more qualifications as many doctors take exams for fun and when they've made up their mind, they'll plunge into the specialty they want. The quicker I get my exams over n done, I can climb the ladder faster (and that means I won't keep Dearie waiting too long). What they've said is true too, having one more qualification doesn't harm me. I've still got a while to think abt it before I register though.

Really lost abt what I should do abt my life at the moment...sigh...

Ever since I've started working in the local hospital, things doesn't seem to go very smooth for me. I've been falling ill more often than ever, and the number of MCs I've taken is beginning to scare me.

I've only just recovered from a cough which lasted a month, and now I'm hospitalised for something else. Yup, I'm actually blogging whilst lying in bed in the hospital at the moment. It feels weird that I'm all alone in the room. I've gotten so used to having Dearie around me every night, and now that I'm alone in this hospital room, it's too quiet.

Anyway, I'm glad that at least my cough has gotten well. It was haunting me for a month, and I coughed so badly that I actually lost my voice for 3 weeks. Am still coughing now, but at least it's occasional.

And just when I thought I'm all strong and ready for the battle at work after my annual leave, I sustained quite a severe back injury. Have no idea how I injured myself because I was still sleeping happily on Saturday before waking up with a very bad backache on Sunday. It got a little better on Monday, so I was able to go to work, but in the wee hrs of the morning today, the pain was so excruciating that it woke me up from my sleep in tears. I couldn't move without assistance, and couldn't stand properly as well. Dearie had to help me change positions every few minutes because I just couldn't get comfortable in any position possible. The pain was there constantly, and I felt that I was being "stabbed" for every tiny movement I made.

Went to A&E, was given a jab which didn't help, so that's how I ended up being warded. Kinda regret being warded in CGH though, because I don't have my buddies here, or else they can help kill my boredom by having lunch with me or come to my room to rot during their daily MO gathering. I miss crapping with them, and I felt like shit when I can't join my friends for lunch when Mark msged me this afternoon. I miss them.

Will be having physio assessment tmr, and hopefully, my pain will start improving with the meds. At least now I'm able to find a more comfortable position to sit, although I still can't move much without assistance and not able to stand up straight. The pain is still there though, not that much relief. I'm fine as long as I don't move.

Now my concern is...how am I gonna sleep tonight in this position.....looks like it's not going to be a night of proper rest. Not forgetting that I'm troubled abt work problems as well..have no idea how I'm going to do my 30hr shift on Friday...