Which path?

Everyday, I'll be so exhausted after work that all I want to do is to go home and sleep. Going on dates with Dearie are lessening in frequency, and I haven't really spent quality time with him that I'm feeling pretty guilty about it.

It is no wonder why others are saying that it's difficult to be the other half of a doctor. Indeed, it takes a lot of understanding and the other party has to be very forgiving. Dearie hasn't grumbled abt me not spending time with him, even though I can tell that he's quite displeased and have gradually accepted that this is part of my job. But he has asked me before if this is the way I'm going to be for the rest of my life, and verbalised that he hopes for his kids to have a proper family life in future.

My trip to China this time wasn't the most enjoyable. Dearie and I were somehow disappointed because we were looking forward to this trip so much, thinking that we can finally spend some quiet moments and quality time together. But everyday, we're having family "reunion" dinners (I'm not grumbling abt it because it's expected...his family hasn't seen him for months). Out of the 2 weeks, we've only had a 2 person dinner twice. Although I didn't say anything, Dearie knew I was disappointed.

During the family gatherings, Dearie's parents brought up the topic of marriage. They wanted to find out abt when we plan to get married, where we're going to hold the dinner, housing etc. It was stressful enough a topic to discuss, and when Dearie's dad mentioned that he's waiting for Dearie to return to China to work for the government, it brought on more stress.

I didn't say anything, but my mind was whirling with thoughts. I couldn't help questioning why this was brought up again when we've already agreed on the decision that Dearie is staying in Sg. Dearie had a lot of private talks with his parents, which I was not allowed to join. He didn't breathe very much abt what was discussed, but something tells me that it's not very pleasant. And I was worried that my fears will come true.

Indeed, it somewhat did. Dearie started asking if I was willing to quit Medicine and be a housewife in China, if I was willing to go to UK/America to work, if I was willing to change my profession and move to China, how long will I take to be good enough to work in the foreign hospital in Beijing etc. We discussed abt my dilemmas, and thoughts regarding a break up was even mentioned! Perhaps he sensed that I was being pushed too much now, he ended the discussion with a "When u feel unhappy being at work, and think u've had enough, just tell me and we'll leave."

I've been thinking abt what he's said. Like Dearie said, I haven't been as happy now as how I was when he first knew me, and ever since I came back to Sg to work, I have become even unhappier. Discussed it with some of my colleagues, and obviously the females think it's a brilliant idea to not be a doctor and stay at home everyday. U bet they were trying hard to tell me why it's great being a "taitai".

I admit that working in Sg has made me lose some of my enthusiasm of being a doctor, but I have spent years studying like mad to come this far, and my ego isn't willing to let it go at this point. I'll be doing myself and my parents so much injustice if I were to quit Medicine and resign to being a housewife for the rest of my life. But because of my insistence and my ego, I am risking losing Dearie.

So here I am wondering what I should do. Mum is definitely against me quitting Medicine.

And I haven't made up my mind whether I want to do Medicine or A&E. I wanted to do A&E first before making my decision, and deciding on which exams I should take. But all my friends have taken or are taking exams already, and here I am still being undecided. I feel pressurised to take exams because of this, and I know it is not a good reason to be doing it. Like what JS told me, "Take the exams only when u know what u really want and when u feel prepared". I still have a few mths to prepare for it, and I think I can force myself to do it if I want to sit for the exam. But I am not sure if this is what I really want. Yet there are also colleagues who told me that it is no harm having more qualifications as many doctors take exams for fun and when they've made up their mind, they'll plunge into the specialty they want. The quicker I get my exams over n done, I can climb the ladder faster (and that means I won't keep Dearie waiting too long). What they've said is true too, having one more qualification doesn't harm me. I've still got a while to think abt it before I register though.

Really lost abt what I should do abt my life at the moment...sigh...