Is this how my life is gonna continue to be...?
When I was still a student, determined to enter medical school, I was told that I will come to realise that idealism will always remain so. I was told to accept realism.
I fought. I struggled. Even after graduating, I continued to fight the battle. Against reality.
Then when I was at the brink of falling apart, someone told me to stop fighting, to accept reality, to accept my destiny, go with the flow and see what else life has in store for me.
I took that advice. I stopped fighting.
I wanted to lead a peaceful life. No more fights. No more politics. I wanted it all to end.
I thought I can finally be at peace with myself, but some things are hard to break away from. I still want to be a doctor...a doctor who does her best for her patients....a doctor who is doing good....a doctor I feel proud of.
But the last 1 year has showed me the power of money, the power of greed. Money buys friendship, buys conscience, buys one's dignity. Greed buys one's sight.
Having accepted the job offer by someone I had regarded as a friend was the start of losing this friendship. I couldn't understand why she had changed to a person I no longer recognise. Being already born to a filthy rich family with a fortune she could live off her entire life, I couldn't understand why money is above all to her, to the point where ethics no longer exist, where everything else can be sacrificed.
I grew to accept that our paths are different, and told myself that greed has got her blind. Maybe it's just her. I wanted to believe it to be that way.
However, I'm wrong. I seem to be in a different league from them all.
No longer do I feel like I'm working with doctors. Ethics, professionalism and respect doesn't seem to exist in them anymore. Every move taken is due to greed. When things are clearly wrong, one can still degrade himself/herself further to sing praises just to suck up to management. Yet have an ego too big to accept direct criticism from another who disagrees.
I am a doctor. And I want to be respected as an individual, as a professional, totally disconnected with the wrongs of the clinic I'm in. I have my dignity. I see no need for any insult.
Hence, I've been out of sync with the rest, and am seen as an outcast, and more so when I declined investing in the clinic. My voice can be done without, which is why I don't talk anymore. My presence at work is a monetary exchange for generating more revenue for the clinic. My skills are no longer guided, but left for me to learn on my own. I have a huge thirst for knowledge, but whenever I want to learn, I get turned down. Even if a reply is given, my questions are never answered, or the answer given is doubtful. As a result, I have to find my own way to learning, finding the answers to my questions myself, piecing them together and then realising that many things I was told are not right. Sad fact that I can't even trust others around me to teach me.
Yet, despite the difficulties and unhappiness I face, I still continued dragging myself to work, and hope to find at least a little bit of joy and comfort from patients who are nice. I asked myself why do I bother to stay, and sadly, it boils down to money.
I'm not expecting myself to be rich. But I do want to earn as much as I can now to build a strong foundation for myself, and my current job fulfils that. I don't wish to spend the rest of my life the way it is now, and the only way to get out of this is to quickly get my foundation laid, so that I can have the freedom to do what I think is needed of me as a doctor. I hate going to work, and every morning, I have to remind myself that I'm gonna be one step closer to my exit, just so that I can make myself turn up. Sigh.
It's another long ranting post of mine again, since I needed an outlet and I can't find someone suitable to pour my sorrows to. Crying it out as I type this has indeed made me feel a bit better. Hopefully I'll be able to go to bed now.
Gonna be another dreaded day seeing my most dreaded colleague later. Will try my best to brave through this...
I really hope all the nonsense can come to an end soon. Please let the light be in sight soon.
I fought. I struggled. Even after graduating, I continued to fight the battle. Against reality.
Then when I was at the brink of falling apart, someone told me to stop fighting, to accept reality, to accept my destiny, go with the flow and see what else life has in store for me.
I took that advice. I stopped fighting.
I wanted to lead a peaceful life. No more fights. No more politics. I wanted it all to end.
I thought I can finally be at peace with myself, but some things are hard to break away from. I still want to be a doctor...a doctor who does her best for her patients....a doctor who is doing good....a doctor I feel proud of.
But the last 1 year has showed me the power of money, the power of greed. Money buys friendship, buys conscience, buys one's dignity. Greed buys one's sight.
Having accepted the job offer by someone I had regarded as a friend was the start of losing this friendship. I couldn't understand why she had changed to a person I no longer recognise. Being already born to a filthy rich family with a fortune she could live off her entire life, I couldn't understand why money is above all to her, to the point where ethics no longer exist, where everything else can be sacrificed.
I grew to accept that our paths are different, and told myself that greed has got her blind. Maybe it's just her. I wanted to believe it to be that way.
However, I'm wrong. I seem to be in a different league from them all.
No longer do I feel like I'm working with doctors. Ethics, professionalism and respect doesn't seem to exist in them anymore. Every move taken is due to greed. When things are clearly wrong, one can still degrade himself/herself further to sing praises just to suck up to management. Yet have an ego too big to accept direct criticism from another who disagrees.
I am a doctor. And I want to be respected as an individual, as a professional, totally disconnected with the wrongs of the clinic I'm in. I have my dignity. I see no need for any insult.
Hence, I've been out of sync with the rest, and am seen as an outcast, and more so when I declined investing in the clinic. My voice can be done without, which is why I don't talk anymore. My presence at work is a monetary exchange for generating more revenue for the clinic. My skills are no longer guided, but left for me to learn on my own. I have a huge thirst for knowledge, but whenever I want to learn, I get turned down. Even if a reply is given, my questions are never answered, or the answer given is doubtful. As a result, I have to find my own way to learning, finding the answers to my questions myself, piecing them together and then realising that many things I was told are not right. Sad fact that I can't even trust others around me to teach me.
Yet, despite the difficulties and unhappiness I face, I still continued dragging myself to work, and hope to find at least a little bit of joy and comfort from patients who are nice. I asked myself why do I bother to stay, and sadly, it boils down to money.
I'm not expecting myself to be rich. But I do want to earn as much as I can now to build a strong foundation for myself, and my current job fulfils that. I don't wish to spend the rest of my life the way it is now, and the only way to get out of this is to quickly get my foundation laid, so that I can have the freedom to do what I think is needed of me as a doctor. I hate going to work, and every morning, I have to remind myself that I'm gonna be one step closer to my exit, just so that I can make myself turn up. Sigh.
It's another long ranting post of mine again, since I needed an outlet and I can't find someone suitable to pour my sorrows to. Crying it out as I type this has indeed made me feel a bit better. Hopefully I'll be able to go to bed now.
Gonna be another dreaded day seeing my most dreaded colleague later. Will try my best to brave through this...
I really hope all the nonsense can come to an end soon. Please let the light be in sight soon.