What's wrong with me?

Not in the best mood today. Not sure why.

Perhaps too cooped up at home. I haven't been out since he left Sg,

Perhaps I'm feeling alone, despite him making time for me. Guess it's just me. Somehow, I still feel the "emotional gap". I'm still not able to bridge it completely.

Perhaps I'm stressed about exams. Not that it matters whether I pass or not, but it's more about peer pressure and the culture here that exams matter more than anything else.

Perhaps I'm tired. Afterall, I've already worked 14 days straight in a row.

CG came and left.

Mum came to my room in the morning to tell me he's coming. I was too unwell to get up from bed to wash up.

Later, I was woken by some noise from the rummaging. There he was searching for something. The moment he found it, he left..

Not a word to ask if I'm ok, when I'm sure my mum told him I'm ill.

The only thing he said to me when I woke up was "I'm leaving. Need to go back to work."


I guess that is enough to show how much someone cares, and what that 5 yr relationship meant. Perhaps like what my friends said, it's not the quantity, but the quality that mattered. It hurts knowing that going through so much for him, at the end of it, I didn't mean much.

Yet despite breaking up, somehow, I feel that it is only right that I be around if he needs help in any way here (not that he needs me since he either contacts my parents or his friends now).

I can tell that he doesn't feel anything for me now.

Maybe it's time I start letting go slowly of my obligation towards him...

Mission accomplished!

Haven't done something for anyone for a long time, and I finally did something for someone today.

Am glad that he's really happy when the food was delivered. Few blunders as I was planning it, but at least the food got there piping hot. :) It's definitely not the easiest having to surf to find a Chinese restaurant that delivers to that area, and making calls overseas just to get this plan carried out successfully.

Food standard wasn't the best of cos, since it's Australia. Nevertheless, knowing that it has warmed his heart a lot, and he won't be going hungry whilst being ill, made me feel that my efforts were all worthwhile.

It's been a long while since I felt appreciated.

Hope he'll get well soon.

"My parents told me to bring you home for dinner when I'm back." he said to me.

This came unexpectedly.

I went to the airport to send him off to Australia. Not because we are together. Not because I wanted to see who his colleagues and family, but because I wanted to see him before he leaves.

I met 2 familiar faces today - his parents. I've met them before when I was 22, when we were still together. It has been many years, and his parents wore a surprised look when they saw me, especially his mum. I couldn't quite tell what she was thinking. Did she recognise that I was the girl who went to her house for dinner and had nice chats with her? Was she wondering why I was there to see her son off? Was she wondering if both of us had reconciled?

I dare not go too close to them to talk. I felt awkard. I'm sure they will also feel awkward initiating a chat with me.

Met his little niece which he talks about. She's really cute. She was quite shy when she saw me, but still came over to address me. My heart melted when she came over to hand me a sweet. That's how kids make friends isn't it?

He introduced me to his bosses and some of his colleagues today. But I was very very quiet the whole evening. They were busy telling J some important stuffs and J was busy sorting some issues too. "Sorry ah, got to take J away from you for a while." his boss said. I was worried about being more than a hindrance.

I didn't get to talk much to him. We didnt stand as close as we normally did too. I dare not get too near him either. Our conversation couldn't get more normal. In fact, I was surprised that he held me close to him to give me a hug before he left.

I watched him go through the immigration, till he left my field of vision. I'm not sure if he noticed. Probably not. I was hoping that he'll turn back to see me for the last time before leaving. I was a tad disappointed that he didn't.

I felt a tinge of sadness. I didn't expect myself to feel this way. Afterall, he's just going to be there for 1 mth...

A message came very soon after.

"I love u. Wait for me."

This was the message from the guy I loved with all I had years ago.

All these years, I never thought I'll see him again. Never did I expect him to tell me this again.

I still cannot believe that this is happening.

To think I thought such things only happens on TV...

Jaded

Everything in my life is screwed at the moment.

Family. Relationship. Career.

None of which I have an idea to resolve.

After a mid-placement supervisor feedback, I came out of the office with thoughts of taking no pay leave. I don't see why my existence in the place is needed, if I was perceived by others to be such a person.

I don't think I deserved any of that, for the amount of effort/time I have spent on my patients, on my calls, and struggling with a messy system. Perhaps my ability to adapt to a messy environment is weaker than others, but I am trying.

It was the most demoralising feedback ever. Never did I walk out of a supervisor's office feeling so unappreciated, Fair enough that patients don't appreciate the things I've done or recognise how my life has been compromised for their care, but nothing hurts more than knowing that even your own superiors don't appreciate it.

I have no clue how the perception came about. And a lot of the things we talked about, gave me a strong feeling that everything is just about being political.

I'm feeling "lonely" in this place, and being relatively quiet as an attempt to avoid trouble which my other friends have warned me about before I started my placement in this place still brought me trouble. At the end of the day, I suppose if u have become a target, then there's just not going to be an end to it.

Like what a friend told me before I plunged myself into this..."If this place dislikes u from Day 1, they will dislike u for the rest of your days here."

I'm tired.

I really do regret to some extent for coming back...

And as much as I feel pathetic for feeling this way, Medicine in this place is gradually killing off my enthusiasm.

Thank you

Thank you for the memorable Saturday.

I know this sounds pathetic, but I really was extremely excited over this Saturday J's planned for me.

I never had a more relaxing day, even though it was spent rotting. It was a nice change of environment. Thank you for taking my troubles away from me for a while.

And I was touched enough that someone had bothered planning something for me.

If only..if only u hadn't left 6 yrs ago...