Insignificant self
Granduncle's demise has become major news to not just my huge family, but to the nation as well.
As I was helping out at the funeral, it gave me the opportunity to see many things, and as usual, whenever I'm at Grandaunt's place, I never fail to leave with thoughts and feel like an insignificant individual in this family.
Like all huge families, interpersonal relationships tend to be complicated, and because of this, I have been given treatment which made me feel that my existence was insignificant since I was very very young. I spent my childhood watching my cousins being favoured and praised by my elders for various reasons. My recollection of my younger days there was always getting commented about my average results, and hearing how well so-and-so did for exams. I never quite understood why I wasn't favoured/praised when there was nothing I did to upset anyone, nor did I behave badly to cause dislike. It was only when I grew much older than I understood why I will never be considered to be "one of them".
Naturally, I became upset, hurt and angry. And this stayed with me.
Mum claims it must be a mistake that I was born a female because of my character, and she couldn't quite understand why I had to inherit this from the family. I don't deny that I might have inherited it, but I believe that a lot had to do with how I felt as a child.
Although I clearly know that I will never be seen to be "one of them", and there was nothing to my benefit to be "one of them" as well, I didn't like the feeling of being insignificant. I tried, and worked hard to achieve something, hoping to be "seen" in some ways, and things did change to a tiny extent for a while. At least, I never had to hear anymore about how others did better.
But no matter how things changed, I was still insignificant. Many times, I even queried myself about why my existence was needed.
The funeral made a stronger impact on how I felt about myself and reinforced the truth I have already learnt about reality.
I recall this show I watched years ago, this lady mentioned "The world only sees the brightest and most shining star. The other stars in the sky are nothing but merely decorations."
At the funeral, I was just an individual...a very ordinary individual. The guests were high ranking officials, ministers or prominent figures in society. Although I'm holding a respectable career in the society, I still felt "small". The reporters and cameramen would be rushing in to video and shoot photos of these prominent figures, and I would have to try and move aside just to make way for them to do their jobs.
I must mention that I didn't quite like the feeling of having to move aside. It's not about wanting to be in the limelight, but it made me ask myself, "Am I so lowly that I shouldn't even be seen to be near these people?"
I spent my hours there feeling alone, observing the crowd, and in thoughts.
And quietly, I told myself that I should strive to put my insignificance and non-existence to an end someday.
As I was helping out at the funeral, it gave me the opportunity to see many things, and as usual, whenever I'm at Grandaunt's place, I never fail to leave with thoughts and feel like an insignificant individual in this family.
Like all huge families, interpersonal relationships tend to be complicated, and because of this, I have been given treatment which made me feel that my existence was insignificant since I was very very young. I spent my childhood watching my cousins being favoured and praised by my elders for various reasons. My recollection of my younger days there was always getting commented about my average results, and hearing how well so-and-so did for exams. I never quite understood why I wasn't favoured/praised when there was nothing I did to upset anyone, nor did I behave badly to cause dislike. It was only when I grew much older than I understood why I will never be considered to be "one of them".
Naturally, I became upset, hurt and angry. And this stayed with me.
Mum claims it must be a mistake that I was born a female because of my character, and she couldn't quite understand why I had to inherit this from the family. I don't deny that I might have inherited it, but I believe that a lot had to do with how I felt as a child.
Although I clearly know that I will never be seen to be "one of them", and there was nothing to my benefit to be "one of them" as well, I didn't like the feeling of being insignificant. I tried, and worked hard to achieve something, hoping to be "seen" in some ways, and things did change to a tiny extent for a while. At least, I never had to hear anymore about how others did better.
But no matter how things changed, I was still insignificant. Many times, I even queried myself about why my existence was needed.
The funeral made a stronger impact on how I felt about myself and reinforced the truth I have already learnt about reality.
I recall this show I watched years ago, this lady mentioned "The world only sees the brightest and most shining star. The other stars in the sky are nothing but merely decorations."
At the funeral, I was just an individual...a very ordinary individual. The guests were high ranking officials, ministers or prominent figures in society. Although I'm holding a respectable career in the society, I still felt "small". The reporters and cameramen would be rushing in to video and shoot photos of these prominent figures, and I would have to try and move aside just to make way for them to do their jobs.
I must mention that I didn't quite like the feeling of having to move aside. It's not about wanting to be in the limelight, but it made me ask myself, "Am I so lowly that I shouldn't even be seen to be near these people?"
I spent my hours there feeling alone, observing the crowd, and in thoughts.
And quietly, I told myself that I should strive to put my insignificance and non-existence to an end someday.