Not meant to be

I've worn a ring on my finger for close to 4 years. It started off being pretty uncomfortable but soon became part of me. It had a significance, and how I became its owner wasn't, unfortunately, accompanied by a romantic story. In fact, thinking back, it was quite disappointing and hurting, but I've gotten over it. Afterall, I knew why it was so, and it needn't be spoken out during then.

Putting on this ring wasn't easy. The ring has a reasonable weight, and along with it, came a similar reasonable weight laid upon me. The relationship never started off with a honeymoon, and a honeymoon never came either. It was filled with a whirlwind of events, mostly demoralising and extremely hurting. Of course, once in blue moon, there would come something sweet to ease it a little.

Removing it last night took the weight off my finger, and similarly, it will take away the weight laid upon me. Of course, doing this comes with a bucket of tears, but perhaps, it will be worth exchanging it for a new lease of freedom we've decided to give ourselves.

Like what he said, this relationship was a mistake from the beginning.

Our train of thoughts and opinions are usually conflicting. And to save myself from more disappointment, with time, I learnt to "adapt" to these conflicting views, against my own will of course. I was "trained" to feel that birthdays and anniversaries are just another day in a year, so much so that even though I know that deep down, it meant something to me, I have learnt to turn a blind eye towards them.

I love surprises and presents, and they do not need to be expensive. I still do enjoy buying small gifts for the one I love, but I was "trained" to think that inexpensive presents isn't worth anything, hence, not worth buying. If I do receive any gifts, they would always be expensive. I do like my presents, but something seems to be lacking whenever I receive them. And with time, I have lost my interest and excitement with presents.

I admit to having a materialistic side, and being at 27, most girls will be going on dates in cars. At least many of my friends are. I enjoy going on car rides with my bf being the one driving, but unfortunately, do not have the luxury of enjoying it on an almost daily basis. I want to settle down, like other girls, in a tiny nest together with the one I love. It doesn't have to be huge. It doesn't have to be filled with the most expensive furniture. My only unreasonable request is for it to be a condo (I like nice surroundings) or in the worst case, a HDB in a convenient area. A wedding is supposed to be a once-in-a-lifetime affair, and it does mean a lot to me. My dream wedding doesn't have to be a grand one with hundreds of guests whom I do not know, but one with a small number in a very cosy romantic setting.

It is hurting enough to know that none of this can be achieved, but it slices my heart even more to be told that there is no one to be blamed except for myself, all because I am selfish and refuse to migrate. Yes, I'll be able to sit in car everyday, have a condo of my own, and have my dream wedding with the bonus of having it grand, but that would mean giving up Medicine after my years of hardwork, living my whole life under control and obligations, and being a full-time housewife. This will be my definition of happiness in his context, but misery in mine, and no drive better towards severe depression for me.

Trust builds a relationship, and once lost, crumbles a relationship. I'm not stupid, but I am gullible in my own way. I like choosing to trust someone I love, simply because I saw no advantage in doubting. After being lied to by a few people whom I thought I could trust, I made this mistake again - not just once. And the lies always unfold with me finding them out for myself. The reasons given would be one of the usual "What's the point of telling u the truth?" or "I'm doing it for your own good.", followed by quarrelling, before being shouted at with the usual "What sacrifices have u made for me? I have made greater sacrifices for u. I am the one who is suffering all the while, not u. I don't see how u are suffering in any way."

Never was there once he thought of how I would feel after finding out the truths for myself. Never was there once he would calmly admit his mistake. In fact, the lies got bigger and bigger, so did the intensity of my disappointment and hurt. Not once, am I not blamed for his decision to lie to me, and it amazes me at how he can still gladly feel upset that I got upset and lectured him for lying, and feel that I should be taking most of the blame for all that has happened. I forgave him once, forgave him twice, but even after asking to be told the truth, he still chose to lie to me. And I still chose to forgave someone whom I have lost trust in, and choosing to believe that I must be the biggest idiot around.

I am not expecting him to salvage this relationship. I am not expecting him to say "Sorry", because he never thought he was wrong, or to be blamed for mistakes he had made. He probably even thinks that the biggest mistake made was to be in this relationship.

It has come to an end now. The ring has been taken off. I have said enough to him, most of which he chose to ignore. There is nothing more I have left to say to him. No longer is it important to know how much I meant to him so much so that he has chosen to hurt me time and time again, no longer important is it to know whether he know the mistakes he has made to ruin a relationship which has meant the world to me.

Gastritis

I'm really not in the perfect shape for night shift at the moment. And it's 3 more hrs more to go before I can grab my bag and get back home to hunt for my meds.

There's no way I can get my hands on Omeprazole since there's no one to sign my prescription here, and it'll be ridiculous if I have to go to a ward to get it.

Been grabbing whatever I can get here in the Emergency Department...MMT, Famotidine, Maxalon, but as expected, those aren't gonna work for me. The discomfort is still there, I'm still burping and regurgitating sourish liquid and wrenching like mad.

Damn it. It's just a matter of time before I get another stomach ulcer.

Must definitely try and find someone to prescribe me the meds before I go off shift later.

Letter of Thanks

Was clearing my pigeon hole at work today, and to my surprise, I received a hand-written letter from a patient I managed in Resuscitation.

It was the best gift to cheer me up after another fast-going and tiring shift. The "Thank you" letter meant a lot to me, but knowing that he had gone to the extent of trying to get the florist at the hospital to send me flowers, going to A&E in attempt to present me with an iPhone as a token of appreciation (obviously, the security guards wouldn't let him through A&E), and inviting me for dinner, was far way beyond what I deserve.

I am still happy, nevertheless. It isn't easy to find patients who appreciate you these days, especially in A&E where many patients and their relatives take out their frustrations on you, sending in complaint letters...and nothing you do is never good enough to satisfy them.

I'll definitely go to sleep smiling tonight.

Incoordination

This has been a problem for years, but something tells me that there is more to it.

Years ago, when I went to an optometrist for specs/lenses fitting, I was told that I can never get a sharp focus on things. Reason being my right eye muscles are weak. I never knew what he meant. Years later, I went to an opthalmologist, and mentioned this to him. The ophthalmologist never told me if this was true..and I thought perhaps there was no such thing.

However, as time went by, I'm beginning to wonder if what the optometrist said is true. I've been living with blurred vision (despite specs/lenses) for a long time, but recently, my vision has deteriorated to a level whereby it has been rather disturbing. And it's not just my vision getting more blur, but now it feels that my eyes aren't coordinating. Many times, I realise that I'm having to use only my left eye to be able to see something clearly. Movement of my right eye doesn't feel right either, and I tend to either tear or feel some pain in my right eye when I look towards the left.

I thought perhaps it's the lenses, but the same problem occurs when I'm wearing my specs as well. And I didn't realise that my vision has been deteriorating until I realise that I'm not even able to read road signs now. Yes, not kidding on this.

Will be seeing an optometrist soon to check my vision, but at the back of my mind, I'm seriously wondering if there is a bigger problem than just my vision. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. Perhaps I should seek an opthalmologist's opinion on this, but then again, I'm quite scared to do so.

你还好吗？

很久没有上网写东西了。生活也没什么非常有趣的。每天不是在家里，就是在医院里上班，几乎很少和外面的世界接触。

我真得不要命了。多几个小时，我又得起床去上课， 而且还得考试，可是书本都还没读完，而且读过的也没怎么记得太好， 真不知道我明天怎么去考试。咳。。

最近我爱上了一首歌，也开始学者唱。每当听到这首歌，就会想起他，想起我们是怎么认识的，我们一起上学的日子，我们怎么开始交往等等。一转眼，我们也已经分手大概有4-5年了。刚开始，即使分手了，我还能感受到他在默默的守着我，可是慢慢的，他也就离开了。

我相信他一定是花了很多时间鼓起勇气来选择默默地离开。我也相信这或许是唯独让他解脱痛苦的唯一办法。

今天在回家的途中，我正在对外发呆时，我的第六敢告诉我，车外有个人正在看我。我不是很喜欢烟队眼看着一个我不认识的人，所以我一直没转头看他。不久后，他就不看了。这时，我就偷偷看了一眼。这一看，真吓到我了。从旁边看，这位男生长得和他一样。车子在堵车的情况下，让我多看了几秒。我心里忽然变得激动。就在这时候，他就开着摩托车走了。

不知道我希望看到的这个人现在还好吗。不知道他已经找到自己的幸福了吗。不知道他现在睡了吗，还是和以前一样，每晚都很晚才睡。

我很想他。。