I have never hated my life as much as I do now.

I haven't got very much of a life to begin with, but now it's not even worth mentioning or even to think about.

I don't hate becoming a doctor. I only hate being one here.

Everyday, I'm rushing and panicking for reasons I don't even know. I can't even sleep in peace, fearing about what's going to happen over the next few days. Work is frustrating, with some fucked up people making it worse. Weekends are no longer weekends anymore to me. Pressure starts getting on you when u start worrying abt being unable to move on with the rest of the cohort. Going to work has never been such a huge nightmare, and what's worse, it's a never-ending one.

For this job, I have lost my social life, lost my personality/identity, and someday, I'm going to lose my relationship as well.

There's so much internal struggling within me, yet I have no idea where to let it out. I can't talk abt it to anyone and I haven't got a clue how many times my tears would just roll down my cheeks as I lay in bed at night.

I refuse to accept the thought that I am weak. I know I can deal with it if I'm given a space to let it out, but unfortunately, I haven't got what I want and need.

I'm feeling sorry abt numerous things, esp towards Dearie. He's right. My temper has worsened drastically since I've started work, and I am no longer happy. I know he wishes to help, but for some strange reason, I can't seem to connect my thoughts with anyone, even to him. And I end up losing my temper whilst trying to find a exit for my frustration. I don't mean it, but I can't help it.

I really wish to buy him a present for Xmas, but I haven't got the time to do so. I don't even have the time to think abt what to buy. In fact, my mind has been so occupied with endless stuffs that I've actually forgotten that my bday is just a few days away, until he reminded me.

I feel really terrible at the moment. If only there was a way to let it all out to let myself feel better...even if it's only for a short while...

Ill...

Working at least 60 hrs a week has affected my health.

I'm upset abt feeling tired every morning despite having sufficient hrs of sleep. I gotta admit that part of it is psychological, and I have been trying to overcome this. But it seems like it's not just psychological. I have indeed fallen ill without realising it.

Been feeling hot and cold since last Friday, and I had a feeling I was running a temperature, but didn't bother to do anything abt it, since that was all that I've been feeling plus malaise. Am having a cough too, but coughing has always been a longstanding problem for me (I've got weak lungs...!!!!).

My lethargy got the better of me today, and I decided that I'm gonna die die get rest today. Had enough. Went to the doc, and indeed, I was running a temperature without even realising it (I'm sure I felt "warmer" over the last few days compared to when I was at the clinic). Not a very low one too.

Free consultation and medication from the GP I went to since I'm also a doc. :)

I felt really bad to ask for more days of MC even though the GP asked me if I was sure if one day is sufficient for me. She told me to go back n get more days if I am still feeling unwell. Honestly, apart frm lethargy n that fever, I don't feel that bad. Still, it's not a good idea to be in contact with patients when I'm ill myself.

Am wanting to resume work tmr, yet quite fatigued still. And by right, I should get more rest since I'm working 7 days again this week. Plus...I gotta admit that I'm not happy at work for many reasons.