Feeling better

I'm touched. I managed to have ppl lending me a shoulder today when I needed it...in fact...4 did. Lemon, Bernard, Clayton and Kwong Chee.

I am finally managing to wear a smile and laugh now...and not feeling as depressed as how I was a few hours ago. And not only was I cheered up, but also learnt a few things.

I was talking to Lemon abt my identity crisis. And she told me about this theory she studied in NIE. It was really interesting, and I shall try to read more abt it later tonight if I feel like it. Looks like it's a stage in life which I'm going through at the moment. Unfortunately, she said that there'll be many stages where I'll be faced with this...gosh...

Then Bernard just popped out all of a sudden from MSN and telling me he's got a way to cheer ppl up. You bet I was touched, Bernard. Thanks :) He did a great job by talking some sense into me, and telling me a lame joke which got me giggling.

And it was fantastic talking to Kwong Chee. Poor guy's gotta wake up for work later (I bet he's gonna go on a double expresso dosage later in the morning all becos of me!)..but fortunately not extremely early since he did a 2 hr conference call earlier in the evening to America, or else I'll feel more guilty than I am now. When he received my email knowing what had happened, he offered to ring me. But since it would be cheaper if I called, I offered to ring him instead. And I am so pleased that I actually called. If not, I probably wouldn't be blogging right now...and would still be in a daze.

It started off with me whining and whining abt my exams, while he was empathising with me and actually listening and let me whine till I think I had enough. Without very much talking from him, I felt slightly better, and then we started more casual conversations abt other stuffs. It wasn't a crappy chat session. Quite thought-stimulating ones instead (so my type!), and because he's quite a few yrs older, I decided to consult him like how I would consult Kor. Told him abt my 'identity crisis' and I think I am much confident with the route I should take from here.

Over the past dunno how many weeks, maybe even mths, I have been trying hard to do self-reflection and see if I have gone wrong in anything which I have done, but not realising it yet. I'm impatient (famous fact), and therefore, it's difficult for me to put it aside. I like things done fast, and probably that's why I'm hurrying myself abt this 'crisis'.

A few ppl have admitted to me that I am very opinionated, and it's drastically hard to change my mind abt something, hence, some would think it's useless to even bother giving me any advice. It makes perfect sense, and although I don't think it's useless to giving me advice (be it whether I heed it or not), I do see their point. I was wondering if I should change this. I want to be a better person as the days go by, and if this will make me a better person, I'll try. But I realise that I don't change my mind easily isn't because I am not willing to accept criticisms, nor is it because I am not listening to anyone, but because I haven't been totally convinced abt the advice (not my friends' fault though). Yes, I have a very strong viewpoint abt almost everything, but it's me. I speak out because I am frank. I don't like faking, and pleasing every soul out there even if I hate it. I don't believe in hiding the truth as long as I have a reason to saying it. I say things without the intention of offending anyone. I'm just saying it so that the other party will know, and we'll try to reach a compromise if possible. And even if there's no compromise made at the end, at least the other person knows what I am thinking. I think it beats me keeping quiet and boiling within. It's gonna end up making the other person getting pissed trying to read my mind, while me getting pissed as to why he/she doesn't understand what I'm thinking.

Kwong Chee told me to think about my core values. It was definitely thought-stimulating and making very good sense. He said if being opinionated and not changing because I'm not totally convinced (he said being a science person, i'm sure to insist on wanting evidence to prove a statement..haha..how true..good guess), is my core value, then if I were to change, it won't be me anymore. It's abt making every person unique. He also said other stuffs to make me understand it...

KC: Michelle, you love ballet don't you?
Me: I do..
KC: If someone tells u that ballet is harmful, will u still dance?
Me: Yup..I love it..I can't give it up...
KC: Exactly. So Ballet is your 'core value'. If you give it up just because others said it's harmful or even if it's scientifically proven that it is, it's not you anymore.

KC: Is your family impt to you? Do you love them?
Me: I love them very much...
KC: Can you give them up?
Me: No..
KC: If you have to give them up because of something, will u?
Me: No..
KC: There..family is your 'core value' too. Nothing will make u forsake them, and if you do, it's not you.

So..I suppose...being opinionated and speaking my mind is me huh? And if it's my 'core value', then I should just be the way I am. Ok, I am convinced abt what he said, so I shall heed his advice and be myself, the way I've always been...the Michelle everyone knows me as from day 1.

Now, this sounds VERY bad, and I know a lot of friends my age or younger will probably wanna throw rotten eggs at me for saying this. But I think Kor's right. I do get along better with ppl much older than me (abt 5 yrs and above). Very odd right? They tend to be the ones who can get me thinking when I'm lost, or at a cross junction or feeling miserable. And things they say, tend to be very convincing and comforting at some stage. I wonder if it's because they're more mature, or is it me who's just young and not seeing it yet, or it's me being immature. Sometimes, I do wonder if I sound/behave like some little immature girl to them.