A "pleasant" surprise..
One should check my sianz look now. I'm not even the least excited over the surprise.
I know I'm horrible for saying this, but I have to. I never expect myself to feel soooooo sianz abt it either.
My family, cousin (yes..that one) and Granny might be coming over to UK. My bro, mum, cousin and Granny will be coming over first, and Dad will try to join us asap. I should be very excited since we're all going for a tour, but the truth is..I'm not..because Dad isn't coming together with them from the 1st day. I hope he'll settle his stuffs quick so that they all can come together instead of the 4 first.
Why am I so sianz abt the mighty 4? Because.....they're very dependent. Mum's gutless, and a direction idiot. Bro's gutless as well, but always wanna act strong. Cousin's always wanting to please the crowd, so rarely got preference abt anything(buay tahan). Granny's got a bad leg (not her fault), can't speak english (not her fault again), no preference also, and very shy. So if Dad's not ard to be the leader, who has to lead the crowd? Me! And Mum, thinking she's older, will definitely insist on calling the shots when she's...ya know. So definitely, we're bound to argue..and yes..I hate it!
Another reason why I'm sianz is becos instead of these 4 being of any use to me, they're more likely to be a burden than anything else. With the way they are, I can't possibly let them roam ard themselves, and even if I'm dead busy, I still have to make sure I get their things settled..and being so dependent, they're definitely gonna sit and wait (but grumble at the same time while doing so). To put things simply, they can't do ANYTHING themselves! Dad suggested we go on a tour first before I settle my Cardiff issues cos he'll most probably be ard to handle them by then, and I can put my heart at ease to settle my stuffs. I hope it won't be just me and Mighty 4 going on the tour...I seriously need Dad ard...or else I'm sure to lose my cool sooner or later.
3rd reason. I am trying to avoid my Mum and cousin together. And looks like it's IMPOSSIBLE if the plan's finalized. Yes, I admit I cannot tolerate anymore seeing the way my Mum's super protective over her, and with Granny ard, it's not gonna help either. Simply because my cousin's Granny's pearl. The last thing I ever want to do is to lose my temper, being extremely frank to Mum abt whatever I am not pleased abt, and then end up hurting my cousin and Granny. I realllllly don't want to ruin everyone's mood...so I'm not even excited at all...not a teeny weeny bit. Plus, getting scolded in public or slapped by Mum in front of others isn't wat I want either.
I am pretty down abt it, due to the things I just typed. I know my bro's dying to be out of Sg, and UK's like the only few places he can go. Even though he's not extremely keen, being his sis, I should welcome him. My mum hasn't been out of Sg for some time too, and since she's my mum, I shouldn't & can't say "Don't look for me PLEASE!". My cousin's not gonna end up going anywhere cos her mum's always feeling insecured abt who she's travelling with, so having her to travel with my family is a rare chance for her (I'm sure it was Mum who initiated this idea of her joining us...yes..I don't like it because...any idiot can guess the reason), plus she's nv been to UK..and I'm sure she'll be excited to check my Uni out. Granny has some issues with my relatives, so she deserves a break from it for a while.
With all the above reasons, why won't I feel guilty and down abt what I said even if it's truly how I feel? I know ppl will think I'm being cruel to my cousin who is an innocent party. Why am I so against a 19 yr old? Because I know my rship with Mum's strained..and hasn't got better as the weeks pass...till I dont even feel the excitement of calling home like how I used to. It'll always end up in a nasty quarrel. My cousin's just a niece, while I'm the daughter...why do I have to tolerate with split attention for no apparent reason? I don't need another "sister", and not willing to have another "sister" as well. My cousin will always be my cousin, nothing more and nothing less. If Mum hadn't been so biased and our rship didn't strain at all, I'm sure I won't be so pissed abt it.
Do I sound like I'm jealous? I probably am. I don't know if it's considered jealousy. I'm trying to be rational over the whole situation, but I can't. And because of my jealousy..I might end up being bias too. This is so difficult.
Why isit that even travelling with my family is becoming a chore for me? I love them very much...but why am I feeling this way? Why, even when I'm thinking abt going on a tour, I'll think abt going alone (or with friends) rather than with my family? Why, do I seem to want to be isolated from them? This is so unlike me...and I have no idea what's going on which is making me so. :(
I know I'm horrible for saying this, but I have to. I never expect myself to feel soooooo sianz abt it either.
My family, cousin (yes..that one) and Granny might be coming over to UK. My bro, mum, cousin and Granny will be coming over first, and Dad will try to join us asap. I should be very excited since we're all going for a tour, but the truth is..I'm not..because Dad isn't coming together with them from the 1st day. I hope he'll settle his stuffs quick so that they all can come together instead of the 4 first.
Why am I so sianz abt the mighty 4? Because.....they're very dependent. Mum's gutless, and a direction idiot. Bro's gutless as well, but always wanna act strong. Cousin's always wanting to please the crowd, so rarely got preference abt anything(buay tahan). Granny's got a bad leg (not her fault), can't speak english (not her fault again), no preference also, and very shy. So if Dad's not ard to be the leader, who has to lead the crowd? Me! And Mum, thinking she's older, will definitely insist on calling the shots when she's...ya know. So definitely, we're bound to argue..and yes..I hate it!
Another reason why I'm sianz is becos instead of these 4 being of any use to me, they're more likely to be a burden than anything else. With the way they are, I can't possibly let them roam ard themselves, and even if I'm dead busy, I still have to make sure I get their things settled..and being so dependent, they're definitely gonna sit and wait (but grumble at the same time while doing so). To put things simply, they can't do ANYTHING themselves! Dad suggested we go on a tour first before I settle my Cardiff issues cos he'll most probably be ard to handle them by then, and I can put my heart at ease to settle my stuffs. I hope it won't be just me and Mighty 4 going on the tour...I seriously need Dad ard...or else I'm sure to lose my cool sooner or later.
3rd reason. I am trying to avoid my Mum and cousin together. And looks like it's IMPOSSIBLE if the plan's finalized. Yes, I admit I cannot tolerate anymore seeing the way my Mum's super protective over her, and with Granny ard, it's not gonna help either. Simply because my cousin's Granny's pearl. The last thing I ever want to do is to lose my temper, being extremely frank to Mum abt whatever I am not pleased abt, and then end up hurting my cousin and Granny. I realllllly don't want to ruin everyone's mood...so I'm not even excited at all...not a teeny weeny bit. Plus, getting scolded in public or slapped by Mum in front of others isn't wat I want either.
I am pretty down abt it, due to the things I just typed. I know my bro's dying to be out of Sg, and UK's like the only few places he can go. Even though he's not extremely keen, being his sis, I should welcome him. My mum hasn't been out of Sg for some time too, and since she's my mum, I shouldn't & can't say "Don't look for me PLEASE!". My cousin's not gonna end up going anywhere cos her mum's always feeling insecured abt who she's travelling with, so having her to travel with my family is a rare chance for her (I'm sure it was Mum who initiated this idea of her joining us...yes..I don't like it because...any idiot can guess the reason), plus she's nv been to UK..and I'm sure she'll be excited to check my Uni out. Granny has some issues with my relatives, so she deserves a break from it for a while.
With all the above reasons, why won't I feel guilty and down abt what I said even if it's truly how I feel? I know ppl will think I'm being cruel to my cousin who is an innocent party. Why am I so against a 19 yr old? Because I know my rship with Mum's strained..and hasn't got better as the weeks pass...till I dont even feel the excitement of calling home like how I used to. It'll always end up in a nasty quarrel. My cousin's just a niece, while I'm the daughter...why do I have to tolerate with split attention for no apparent reason? I don't need another "sister", and not willing to have another "sister" as well. My cousin will always be my cousin, nothing more and nothing less. If Mum hadn't been so biased and our rship didn't strain at all, I'm sure I won't be so pissed abt it.
Do I sound like I'm jealous? I probably am. I don't know if it's considered jealousy. I'm trying to be rational over the whole situation, but I can't. And because of my jealousy..I might end up being bias too. This is so difficult.
Why isit that even travelling with my family is becoming a chore for me? I love them very much...but why am I feeling this way? Why, even when I'm thinking abt going on a tour, I'll think abt going alone (or with friends) rather than with my family? Why, do I seem to want to be isolated from them? This is so unlike me...and I have no idea what's going on which is making me so. :(
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