Dad, my role model. Will I be like him one day?
Dad chatted with me online this morning. I felt myself being sooo weak as a person.
Dad told me many many things, and at the end of it all...
Me: Dad, I've always admired your strength. Why am I not like you in terms of this?
Dad: One day, you will be. You're my daughter, so you'll be like me. It'll just take time.
I resemble Dad in so many ways. If there's ever a parent-child contest, anyone can guess that I'm his daughter. Not just looks, but character too. But of all things, I haven't got his ability to manage every storm faced in the sea.
I realised how minor my worries were in terms of his, and no matter how big the obstacles I had, they were nothing compared to his when he was my age. I thought I was grown up enough compared to many of my cousins, but when I compare how I am now with how he was then, I feel like a miserable 8 yr old.
When I was in primary school, I was still playing Barbie dolls, crying if I didn't have my way, refusing to study, having no responsibility on my shoulders, having anything I ask for, living my life blindly. But when Dad wasn't that fortunate. Being adopted in a family whose parents didn't give a damn abt the children, Dad being eldest, had to play the role of a father & a mother. Being only in pri sch, he already started caning my aunts and uncles if they did badly in school (which unfortunately they always did). Dad didn't experience any bit of family love, and I'm sure when he younger, he must have asked himself numerous times why Grandpa adopted him when they weren't even wanting to shower him with parental care and concern. In fact, because he was adopted, ppl in the family didn't like him, and even till this very day, they still see Dad as an outsider. It must hurt Dad lots, because even me being his daughter, can I sense how painful it is to be seen that way.
When I was 17, I was still happily going to a whole new environment to pursue A Levels. But what was it like for Dad? At 17, he was already working for Grandpa as a chaffeur even before he got a driving licence. Pay was miserable, and sometimes Dad didn't even get paid if Grandpa gets into shit loads of gambling debts. Grandpa wasn't a responsible person, so Dad was the only one having to bring back money to support the rest of the family and mind you, it's a VERY big family since Grandpa got either 2 or 3 wives during then (yes, I have 3 Grandmothers just on Dad's side).
At 20, I was going through uni, without a great deal of worry. But Dad was struggling. He was dating my Mum tt time, and Mum used to tell me how sorry she felt for Dad. Grandpa's business was going bankrupt, and he didn't care about it. Got into lots of gambling debts and it couldn't have got worse after some irresponsible doings of my Granduncle. If the business collapsed, that would be it for everyone in the family. Dad, knowing that he can't let his siblings all sleep in the streets, he had to try to put the company back into shape. He had to find money to pay ALL the debts too. Mum recalled how late he will go to her place after work, how tired he was till all he could do was to doze off in her house and not being able to get up to go home and sleep, and his worried expression whenever he gets up in a shock every morning when the song 'Majulah Singapura' goes off. It meant another day of struggle. Everyday for don't know how long, Dad had to go door-to-door on his feet to get business so that he'll have enough money to save the company (and to think we youngsters are complaining abt going to get business in A CAR). Dad told me when he was going through all that, he wished he didn't have to wake up from his sleep. But he had to carry on because if he didn't, loads more will have to suffer.
And finally, his efforts paid off. Although the company isn't an extremely big one now, it was still presentable enough. Yet, after going through the hurdle of saving a dying company, Dad's worries weren't over. Having dunno how many employees under him, having to support my aunt's medical education, having to support everyone in the family (and my expensive education), he had to push himself to keep going. I used to say this whenever I see Dad coming home all worn out...
Me: Dad, if it's too tough. Why won't you just give up the business and we'll all migrate somewhere else? There isn't anything which is worth holding us back in Singapore isn't it? Besides, you've always wanted to migrate elsewhere too.
Dad: Girl, you can't say that. Giving up a business isn't just giving up because you like it. There are many other things you have to consider. If you wind things up, it'll mean your employees will be jobless..and if they do, their family's gonna suffer. I can't be so selfish to let others suffer because of me.
Till today, I am still very touched each time Dad tells me that. Sometimes, I wish....if only his employees knew that that's one of the reasons why he's working so hard. Not for only personal gains and luxury.
Dad's experiences in life were so much worse than mine, and I'm sure there are loads more who were in a worse situation compared to him. And here I am, weeping over an exam. Shame on me, I know. I was wondering why Dad didn't lecture me at all. Why didn't he scold me for being weak? I think I do deserve to be lectured even though I'm very sad about it all. In fact, Dad's soft talk with me made me feel really small. I felt like I'm just a little whiney baby who has never grown up one bit. How ashamed am I to even let anyone know I'm turning 23 this year.
Will it be so, like Dad said, that I'll be like him one day? Will I be able to be as tough as him with time? And when I'm his age, will I say the same thing to the little ones..telling them "you'll be strong too...it'll just take time"? Is this.....all about growing up?
Dad told me many many things, and at the end of it all...
Me: Dad, I've always admired your strength. Why am I not like you in terms of this?
Dad: One day, you will be. You're my daughter, so you'll be like me. It'll just take time.
I resemble Dad in so many ways. If there's ever a parent-child contest, anyone can guess that I'm his daughter. Not just looks, but character too. But of all things, I haven't got his ability to manage every storm faced in the sea.
I realised how minor my worries were in terms of his, and no matter how big the obstacles I had, they were nothing compared to his when he was my age. I thought I was grown up enough compared to many of my cousins, but when I compare how I am now with how he was then, I feel like a miserable 8 yr old.
When I was in primary school, I was still playing Barbie dolls, crying if I didn't have my way, refusing to study, having no responsibility on my shoulders, having anything I ask for, living my life blindly. But when Dad wasn't that fortunate. Being adopted in a family whose parents didn't give a damn abt the children, Dad being eldest, had to play the role of a father & a mother. Being only in pri sch, he already started caning my aunts and uncles if they did badly in school (which unfortunately they always did). Dad didn't experience any bit of family love, and I'm sure when he younger, he must have asked himself numerous times why Grandpa adopted him when they weren't even wanting to shower him with parental care and concern. In fact, because he was adopted, ppl in the family didn't like him, and even till this very day, they still see Dad as an outsider. It must hurt Dad lots, because even me being his daughter, can I sense how painful it is to be seen that way.
When I was 17, I was still happily going to a whole new environment to pursue A Levels. But what was it like for Dad? At 17, he was already working for Grandpa as a chaffeur even before he got a driving licence. Pay was miserable, and sometimes Dad didn't even get paid if Grandpa gets into shit loads of gambling debts. Grandpa wasn't a responsible person, so Dad was the only one having to bring back money to support the rest of the family and mind you, it's a VERY big family since Grandpa got either 2 or 3 wives during then (yes, I have 3 Grandmothers just on Dad's side).
At 20, I was going through uni, without a great deal of worry. But Dad was struggling. He was dating my Mum tt time, and Mum used to tell me how sorry she felt for Dad. Grandpa's business was going bankrupt, and he didn't care about it. Got into lots of gambling debts and it couldn't have got worse after some irresponsible doings of my Granduncle. If the business collapsed, that would be it for everyone in the family. Dad, knowing that he can't let his siblings all sleep in the streets, he had to try to put the company back into shape. He had to find money to pay ALL the debts too. Mum recalled how late he will go to her place after work, how tired he was till all he could do was to doze off in her house and not being able to get up to go home and sleep, and his worried expression whenever he gets up in a shock every morning when the song 'Majulah Singapura' goes off. It meant another day of struggle. Everyday for don't know how long, Dad had to go door-to-door on his feet to get business so that he'll have enough money to save the company (and to think we youngsters are complaining abt going to get business in A CAR). Dad told me when he was going through all that, he wished he didn't have to wake up from his sleep. But he had to carry on because if he didn't, loads more will have to suffer.
And finally, his efforts paid off. Although the company isn't an extremely big one now, it was still presentable enough. Yet, after going through the hurdle of saving a dying company, Dad's worries weren't over. Having dunno how many employees under him, having to support my aunt's medical education, having to support everyone in the family (and my expensive education), he had to push himself to keep going. I used to say this whenever I see Dad coming home all worn out...
Me: Dad, if it's too tough. Why won't you just give up the business and we'll all migrate somewhere else? There isn't anything which is worth holding us back in Singapore isn't it? Besides, you've always wanted to migrate elsewhere too.
Dad: Girl, you can't say that. Giving up a business isn't just giving up because you like it. There are many other things you have to consider. If you wind things up, it'll mean your employees will be jobless..and if they do, their family's gonna suffer. I can't be so selfish to let others suffer because of me.
Till today, I am still very touched each time Dad tells me that. Sometimes, I wish....if only his employees knew that that's one of the reasons why he's working so hard. Not for only personal gains and luxury.
Dad's experiences in life were so much worse than mine, and I'm sure there are loads more who were in a worse situation compared to him. And here I am, weeping over an exam. Shame on me, I know. I was wondering why Dad didn't lecture me at all. Why didn't he scold me for being weak? I think I do deserve to be lectured even though I'm very sad about it all. In fact, Dad's soft talk with me made me feel really small. I felt like I'm just a little whiney baby who has never grown up one bit. How ashamed am I to even let anyone know I'm turning 23 this year.
Will it be so, like Dad said, that I'll be like him one day? Will I be able to be as tough as him with time? And when I'm his age, will I say the same thing to the little ones..telling them "you'll be strong too...it'll just take time"? Is this.....all about growing up?
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